Emotionally 'lost'

[TheMildManneredMilitant]

Anyone else just feel a bit emotionally untethered at the moment?

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over. When I've coped with death and other trauma before I could draw from guidance and other experiences to help me name my emotions and recognise triggers but it's like there's just no reference point to draw on.

Yesterday I saw my dad for the first time in months. Instead of just being happy it was almost like it triggered some kind of grief- even though he is very much alive and there is no reason I couldn't see him every week if I wanted.

I also wonder whether there are many of us who just gritted our teeth and got on with it but who will fall apart once we start to return to normal.

Not sure what I'm after posting here but thought I may not be the only one who is a bit emotionally lost at sea.

Does anyone else find that they're now exhausted after social contact?

Had a couple of friends round in the garden last weekend ( is allowed in Scotland) and DH and I were both exhausted for the rest of the weekend, goodness knows how we're going to manage a meal out or the family holiday coming up. Talked to a friend and she feels the same - don't remember feeling like this after the first lockdown.

I've been taking St Johns Wort since January and its helped massively with the discombobulation, although it does take a bit of time before it kicks in.

to you all

Thanks for posting those links BensonStabler - although I understand what PP mean about not pathologising I personally find it immensely helpful to read what research says about typical behavior and patterns because then I feel more normal.

I don't know if I ride this out, if I force myself to socialise and it will get easier, if I 'give in' to feeling rubbish for a bit. I know I'm afraid to let my emotional guard down though because I don't know if the crisis has passed. I can't reflect and deal with something while it's still ongoing.

@TheMildManneredMilitant yes to not knowing what emotions to feel as we don't know what stage we're at.

I've booked some holidays, modest cancellable affairs, but after Christmas I no longer allow myself to look forward to anything much, so the sense of anticipation which actually used to be more enjoyable sometimes than the holiday itself is no longer there. Trying to get a ladies weekend organised for September but nobody has much appetite for it although we all had a great time last year with what we managed to do.

It only feels safe to think about modest achievable things like going to a garden centre today, or having a takeaway tonight for my birthday. Some people see this as a good thing, but for me at 51 it feels like I'm already a pensioner.

Me too OP.

I’ve started suffering with ‘derealisation’ which is an anxiety response. It makes you feel like you’re dreaming/on the verge of passing out almost constantly. I go everywhere in a daze. I can’t get out of my own head. I don’t feel excited about anything. My marriage is suffering. I’m a terrible mum at the moment. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Derealisation/ depersonalisation I think is what a lot of people on this thread have described. The sense of being cut off, numb, life being on the other side of the glass.

So not PTSD in most cases but some kind of psychological reaction to all this

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911

I understand the feelings you are describing. It’s rather like being a hostage held in solitary confinement for a year - you can’t just pick up your normal life when released, you have been traumatised and changed by the experience, and you need to come to terms with the numbness, the long anxiety, the isolation from family etc.
I think it was unrealistic to assume we would all just leap joyfully out of lockdown and resume business as usual.
But humans are very adaptable and resilient, and gradually normal life and feelings will reassert themselves. I think by this time next year we will be arguing over trivialities, looking forward to our holidays, going out for meals/concerts/sports events, bitching about relatives, joking with each other, and just as engrossed in all the rich tapestry of our lives as we used to be.
But I think we will never again take it for granted. The pandemic has made us value so many things simply by making them unavailable for a year. They are now so much more precious. Let’s treasure them when we get them back.

Thank you so much for starting this thread OP, I've been feeling exactly the same and thought I was going mad. I met up with my parents last week, and like a pp, I didn't really have anything to say, I felt very detached

Same here too. I feel
Very strange and I'm avoiding people now too.

Also re conversations with others, it is perhaps difficult because we've all talked Covid and lockdown restrictions 24/7 and most people have little more going on other than daily life. Previously there would have been tales of plans and holidays and restaurants visited etc now it's just work, home and walking in circles.

Psychologists are going to have years of material after this is over.

My story... I've been happily married for 15 years. This year I had a crush on someone else. It hit me like a truck out of nowhere, and had it been reciprocated I think my marriage, family and entire life would have been on thin ice. And I say this as someone who's normally been very judgy of adultery. Later on I found myself realising that I had been mad. It was all emotional instability and limerance resulting from the current crap. It was horrible while it lasted.

Like other people, I saw family for the first time since Christmas last weekend, and felt flat and bored. There was nothing to say. Problem is that this has all been so divisive, worse than Brexit, that noone really wants to talk about it except with their very closest confidants. Everyone's trauma feels somehow shameful. Trust that others will 'get it' has been lost.

Time Rhubarb sorry you feel the same.

I don't want to turn the thread political, but if we went back to normal that would be fine for me. Perhaps the death thing is that I don't want to live in the future that lies ahead but it's morphed into a sense of death approaching.

It has been divisive. If you dare to talk about how the pandemic has affected you then you'll be told that others have it worse or that you've had it easy.

Strangely dh and I are different to others in that when everyone else was enjoying the first lockdown, we found it absolutely hellish. By the most recent one I think we'd adjusted. Certainly I'd almost grieved for the way of life that was no longer.

I found the first one hellish too. I think in a sense I’ve never quite recovered from the impact it had and the surreal feeling of being so mentally as well as physically far apart from all the people I knew who were having a good lockdown.

So maybe for me it’s the after-effects of that, but now I feel so flat and numb and muted all the time.It feels as if the world getting smaller has shrunk me with it, and now I’m watching the world like I’m a goldfish in a tank watching life on the other side of the glass, vaguely interested but totally detached.

But humans are very adaptable and resilient, and gradually normal life and feelings will reassert themselves.

I agree with this and think the important word here is gradually - I am confident I will feel better but having been through some stressful times I don't expect to feel better tomorrow.

The word to ban really is should. I should feel this, I should do that. Don't bully yourself.

I’m really struggling too. In my case it’s because both my partner and I are suffering from long covid and the reopening is starting to throw into sharp relief all the things that are hard going for us now. I can’t look forward to a night out with friends as I’m in bed by 9pm most nights. I can’t plan a day trip as we don’t have the energy to do it.

I'm feeling very similar. The first lockdown was so busy that I didn't have chance to stop and think. I was frontline Police and DH frontline NHS, with no childcare and working shifts. Our DS3 nursery closed completely and permanently and our DS7 has chronic lung disease so we chose not to take our key worker place. We worked our shifts around each other, which meant me averaging 3 hours sleep a night and then homeschooling. I was so tearful all the time and scared about getting something wrong, which in my line of work could literally mean life or death. The crunch point came when I got 3 speeding tickets in 3 days, trying to rush to work when dh was slightly late home and was terrified I would lose my licence. I applied for, and got a new role, which meant working days at home. It was difficult juggling that with childcare and home school but we managed it. DS7 started with anxiety and we sent him back to school in June before he became a school refused and DS3 started a new nursery which he loves. It looked like things were looking up.

This lockdown has hit us like a brick. dh is suffering from depression following losing both parents over last 2 years and Im struggling to support him while feeling resentful. He does little around the house. I am juggling childcare, wfh full time, trying to sort the garden after years of neglect so I can send the kids out while I work. Whenever I challenge him on anything, he becomes tearful and defensive. He threatened suicide and left the house one day, and I had to cancel a days worth of meetings to sort it. He's studying for a degree alongside working and I'm studying for promotion exams, so most evenings are spent doing that. It just all feels like so much pressure. He worked all Easter weekends and I just sat at home with the kids, as everyone else seemed to have plans.

I've piled on weight and just keep boredom eating. I know I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, but just cannot find the motivation to change it.

My work should be very fulfilling and exciting as I work in the organised crime world, but it's just not the same sat reading the logs at home and not being in the office to experience them as they're ongoing. I should be doing a report now but just can't get going.

Flat is definitely how I feel.

I feel so flat and numb and muted all the time.It feels as if the world getting smaller has shrunk me with it, and now I’m watching the world like I’m a goldfish in a tank watching life on the other side of the glass, vaguely interested but totally detached.

This is so well put - I 100% relate but could never have described it so clearly.

@10storeylovesong That all sounds incredibly difficult. I hope things improve for you and your lovely family. Supporting a partner with depression must be SO hard.

I also feel dead inside. Looking forward to normal life resuming with DP but do feel very down and just drained by it all.

I feel more lost now than during the lockdown where I accepted the challenge.
Nervous about returning to my old life as I worked too hard and was considering leaving and not excited by reopening things as I have social anxiety.i am happy for others though.This bit is like no man's land.Weird.

Sending love to everyone who has posted so far - you’re all doing amazingly to get through each day towards better times even if it doesn’t feel like it!

I feel very flat too. My main concern is my friendships and how well they will survive post-pandemic. In the first two lockdowns I think I did very well at staying in touch with people and checking in on how everyone was doing, but this lockdown has just drained me. I feel myself becoming more and more insular and withdrawing from my friends because I don’t have the energy or interest to check in, I don’t have the ability to buoy them up if they’re having a bad day, I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been said a million times before... and I think they are the same as they aren’t getting in touch with me either. I used to be a very sociable person and I am worried that I have lost some friendships for good as we’ve just got used to not seeing/ talking to each other. It all feels too much effort to think about getting it back...

for everyone who is feeling this way.

I do think there is very much going to be an element of everything "emotionally hitting" after this. There's the assumption that everyone is going to be excited and happy once things open up again, but I think for a lot of us things are going to feel worse for a short time. Realisation of what has been lost, coming to terms with the fact we're not the same people. It's that thing where you can cope with trauma whilst you're going through it, but then when the crisis is over the emotional effects hit.

Time Rhubarb sorry you feel the same. I don't want to turn the thread political, but if we went back to normal that would be fine for me. Perhaps the death thing is that I don't want to live in the future that lies ahead but it's morphed into a sense of death approaching

@LunaHeather. Thank you. Actually, I think you could be right in the above analysis. And also, because we have all been very aware of the great numbers of daily deaths, it's bound to put death into the forefront of all our minds, I think. Let's hope that our sense of doom eases off as the situation improves.

Also feeling very flat here. I don’t quite feel like I know how to function in the world as it is right now. I was already struggling with health anxiety before Covid but this last year has really taken its toll on me. I feel like I’ve lost my identity this last year as a stay at home mum who has literally been at home all year with two young children. I’ve always thrived on going out and doing things and spending time with friends and family and doing fun things with the children and without all the things that fill my cup I just feel drained, exhausted and flat. I still feel apprehensive about meeting other people even though I know I need to start doing this and I feel like this is starting to impact on some of my friendships too. I met with some of my close friends at the weekend and expected to leave feeling a million times better but instead I just felt a bit lost after seeing them and I can’t quite put my finger on why. There’s still so much uncertainty and I feel like I’m forever turning down social invites due to different levels of comfort. I just feel lost and worried about what the future holds. A while ago it felt like there was lots of hope but now it seems like there are seeds of hope but that normality and being care free are still a long way away. Sending to all of you who are struggling and to those of you who have dealt with huge losses this last year.