I’ve written my notice. Someone tell me I’ve done the right thing...

[readyplayer2]

I’m due back to work in 4 weeks time after being on maternity leave for 14 months.

I work in a large office and my employer throughout the whole pandemic hasn’t sent anyone to work from home!

I’m 35 have a BMI of 40 and I’m asthmatic, I also have psoriasis for which I am unmedicated.

I’ve been extremely careful, limiting social contact, avoiding supermarkets etc since last year.

I’ve written to my employer as asked if I can wfh but today have received a written response to my request which states that due to business requirements, I will need to be back into the office.

I’m due to work 3 days a week and my son will go to nursery.

I’ve weighed up my risks and I feel like it’s too much of a risk me being in the office and my son being at nursery.

My husband wfh and has done since last March!

I feel like my son would benefit so much from nursery but I just don’t think it’s worth the risk to me, especially if it means I could leave him without a mother.

I was hoping I would be vaccinated by the time I go back to work but I haven’t heard a single thing, I had a Drs appointment last week and they confirmed I am group 6 and need to wait my turn.

I can’t extend my return to work date as I’ve already done this and used all of my annual leave allowance.

Hate what Covid has done to us all :(

If I were you I'd go back to work.

You seem interested in asking for medication for your anxiety - I hope you pursue that and it's helpful.

In the meantime, you can go to the supermarket, just once. And I think that's a good suggestion because it's a significant step back into normal life. You've said your DH doesn't take risks, but you've also said he goes to the supermarket now and then, so just do it exactly the same way your DH does. If you behave exactly as he does, you're not going to bring Covid home to him just like he hasn't brought it home to you.

As far as the nursery goes, keep reminding yourself there've been no cases for however long it was. Your thinking is muddled - that's the anxiety - so no major decisions and trust others' judgement of risks over your own (eg your DH's).

Could you try Propanolol? I think you can buy it without a prescription, from what I've been told it just makes.You feel calm but you are emotionless or groggy, you could try it to go the supermarket when it is quiet so you can see that it isn't that scary because like PP have said being so closeted for so long hasn't helped.

I really feel for you because you are in a shit situation but I definitely think quitting your job isn't the right thing to do so you need to overcome the anxiety about the office somehow

You seem very fixed in your thinking op
Not being allowed to work from home is something faced by millions of others and some with risk factors like you they are managing and not catching it.

Jacking in your flexible part time job over this is not reasonable millions of people are out of work, finding a new job is not going to be easy potentially which will be another source Of stress later down the line.

The vaccine isn’t a magic shield and covid isn’t going away Withdrawing from the world more then you are is only going to make this worse

Get some help for all of your sakes

OP, have you considered using a childminder?

Smaller bubbles, fewer children equals less risk (and loads if other benefits too!).

Just something for you to consider.

Haven't read all the thread but have read your posts up to the one where you mentioned that you have private health care.
I do think some focused CBT around anxiety might help you here. With your health anxiety and with your weight loss plan ( well done for starting that already and for your success do far).
Could you self refer to your occupational health, and arrange for some private CBT. OH might have some leverage with wah whilst treatment is ongoing. You'll wait an age if you're waiting for NHS. If you don't have occupational health then a letter from your GP saying that you have anxiety will be necessary for most private health providers.

I do think the returning to work is the best thing for you, your son and your marriage tbh. Covid is going nowhere. There may well be a different vaccine required next winter.
And if you want to work your son will need to be in childcare irrespective of whether you are working at home or in the office.

OP check the booking website again today. It seems to be updated on Sundays.
I think it would be a massive mistake to send that letter now. You will not get an option for three days a week easily again.
You are in the next priority group and will be booked in before you go back. Worst case if you need a week or so, you'll be in a better position to contact HR and ask for a week or two of unpaid leave. They are more likely to agree if you have an appointment and set date you can return.
I know you need to give four weeks notice and for some unfathomable reason you haven't had your jab, I think it would be highly unlikely they would bring back someone who hasn't been there for 14 months to work for a fortnight only. It would be more hassle than it is worth especially if you are willing to repay any overpayment.
Give it a few weeks before you make any decisions and use that time to focus on getting help with your mental health and getting a little fitter

Hi OP, just my take on anxiety- you are totally swamped with fear about everything. I hear you, I've been there. I am not a doctor but honestly i had severe generalised anxiety for literally years and no talking therapies worked. What works is anti depressants - I've found sertraline brilliant and have taken it throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding. It does NOT make you numb or emotionless, or unable to make good decisions- it just gives you perspective and helps to switch off the worries that are unhelpful and irrational. I urge you to speak to your doctor about it. If they won't prescribe, try a different doctor and don't be fobbed off by 'it's best not to when feeding' - it is not good to live like this and you can be free from it, I promise x

OP very few people on here think you should give up your job. If you are going to need to work in the next couple of years, and it sounds like you are, then you would be crazy to give up your job now. Especially as you have secured part time working. I'm currently job hunting, and it's not easy at the moment. Thousands of people are looking for work and it's going to get even tougher when furlough ends.

Working from home isn't a solution. It won't help your mental health long term and you will still need to put your child in nursery.

You need to get back out into the world, regardless of whether you decide to leave your job or not. I've suffered panic attacks for 35 years, and avoidance is the worst thing you can do in situations which make you feel anxious. Very quickly what seems difficult becomes impossible.

Go to a shop today. Any shop, maybe a small shop which isn't too busy. Buy a pint of milk, a bar of chocolate, anything. Then try going to a supermarket. If you don't feel able to go alone go with DH and baby. Just go in and buy one thing if it helps. Look at all the people around you, in the street or in the shop, going about their daily business. Try and focus on normality and the positives.

I know it's not easy, but I honestly think handing in your notice will make your situation worse, not better.

No, I can’t afford it.

if you cannot afford it, then how are you gonna cope? Loads of people are in 'at risk' groups and had to work frontline throughout the whole pandemic.

Chances are you are getting your jab very soon. I think handing in your notice esp when you cannot afford it and the jab is imminent is a bit of an overreaction.

I would not n

I haven’t been into the office so I’m not sure exactly what is in place, but the letter says it’s Covid secure.

have you not spoken to the office to find out exactly what is in place? may help with your anxiety and be actually reassuring?

@readyplayer2
Maybe I should just suck it up, send him and get back to the office.

Yes, finally, that is exactly what you should do. Keep repeating this to yourself! Speak to the doctor, get on some anti-anxiety meds, take the CBT when it becomes available and start living again. It will be hard, you will have to take a deep breath and fight the fear at the beginning but in six months time you will look back and be so proud of yourself. But the thing is - only you can do this, no-one else can do it for you. You have to decide if you want to live like this for the foreseeable future and if this is the mum you want your boy to see, anxious and unable to function normally and living on a tight budget or if you are going to take the steps to overcome it and let him grow up seeing how strong his mum is. Stop seeing obstacles and looking for the "but..." and start seeing steps forward, they are there if you want to take them.

[quote readyplayer2]@Kintsuji

I really really want to believe that.

I read the stats every single day. I know the numbers of deaths for my age group.
I see the amount, but I still cannot believe that I won’t die from Covid.

If I was fit and healthy maybe I’d feel better, but I’m not.

I have awful intrusive Images of being on a ventilator, struggling to breathe.😔

If there was a pill that would make this go away id take it.
But I’m scared about side effects, I’m worried I’ll get worse than I already am.
I’m worried other mums will judge me if they find out I’m on medication.

All I seem to do is worry.[/quote]
Not covid for me @readyplayer2, but I get the fear, the sheer way it takes over everything. How paralysing it is, how it spirals and spirals and takes your every thought over, feels like you can't get a proper breath. And I get the fear of meditation, of the side effects. But I got to a point where I was crying silently, involuntarily everytime I walked into an empty room. I could hold it together in front of DC, but the moment I was alone.... And I went to my GP and she prescribed an antidepressant, not one commonly used for anxiety because of my own chronic health issues and given the single side effect I've had not one I could recommend to you. It wasn't a cure, I'm waiting for much needed cbt too, but it has made an amazing difference.

I was wondering reading your post if you'd ever heard of Post Natal Anxiety? It's not as common as PND, but not uncommon either. It took me a long time to realise, I think it's what happened after my youngest was born, that mixed in with my own health anxiety because I got a lot sicker when pregnant with my youngest.

If I thought vaccination would help the anxiety I'd agree resign and wait. But ultimately when anxiety is this crippling it requires professional help and slow exposure to the underlying fear/s to recover. My eldest suffers from anxiety and I can see clearly with him how avoiding the fear make things worse. I'm not advocating trying to force yourself out into the world tomorrow. Steps must be small enough that they're only a 2-3 anxiety wise. Too much too quickly is counter productive. If going to the supermarket is paralysing then that's not the first step for you. Maybe the first step could be to walk down a street or through a park where there is a couple of people. Or maybe you need a first step before that.

If it was me Id start by posting in the MH section on here asking about people's experiences with medication for anxiety. Then see my GP. But I'd also try to think of a small step I could take to show myself that I could expand my world, my child's world a little and be ok.

OP, do you actually want to go back or are you looking for an excuse?

Many posters asked if you had checked with the office what 'covid secure' means. You did not reply once. You just focussed on the posts about how inflexible your employer and how high your anxiety is and the possibility to get signed off with stress.

You could contact your employer to find out what Covid secure means. Have you chased up where you are on the queue for the vaccine? And if you don't work, why would you have to rely on saving seeing that you have a DH who is a high earner. Maybe you have a DH problem more than anything else? just all very odd.

@fightingSmiths

Many posters asked if you had checked with the office what 'covid secure' means. You did not reply once.

Please read through the replies, you will see this question was answered.

found it. Sound very reasonable. What is your concern?

@fightingSmiths

Catching Covid. I’ve seen loads of people say they’ve caught it in the work place even when it
was “Covid secure”.

Does your GP know what your BMI is?
Contact them and check; it should put you in a higher covid vaccine group - even if they are aware, it may mean they add you to the list faster, or invite you in for vaccine at the surgery.

OP I used to have crippling anxiety over going to a certain place. It was completely ruling over me and all my thoughts were so illogical, but I couldn't see that. I had massive panic attacks, couldn't even get myself in the door of this place without breaking down. But I knew I needed to change this otherwise it would rule my life. So with my husband's help (and that was a massive thing, having someone to push me when I felt I 'couldn't do it') I took small steps.

1. Rang the GP - this was terrifying and I cried most of the time but I rang and booked an appointment to talk about my anxiety
2. Went to appointment - again, terrifying but I was completely honest with him and again cried most of the way through it but felt so much better afterwards
3. Started on antidepressants (sertraline) - we talked through all the pros and cons and I decided to try them and see if it helped. If I didn't see any improvement in a month then we would revisit it
4. Started CBT - you need to push for more urgent referrals if your anxiety is stopping daily life.
5. Gradually started spending more time at the place that terrified me, I had lots of bad days but also lots of good days and over time got my confidence back

I'm years on from this and look back proudly at that point in my life. It is possible to overcome this anxiety but as someone further up the thread has said, only you can make the choice to fight it. It's one of the hardest things to do, to fight your own brain but please please know that it is possible. Medication was a massive breath of fresh air and helped so much to calm me. Over time I've been able to come off them and now have very little anxiety and don't need any medication or therapy anymore. But I know where to go if I ever do in future. Good luck, start making the changes and don't look back. You can do this.

[quote readyplayer2]@fightingSmiths

Catching Covid. I’ve seen loads of people say they’ve caught it in the work place even when it
was “Covid secure”.[/quote]
In your work place?

It really comes across as of you are looking for excuses to leave. I don't blame you. Going back after mat leave is daunting. I cried when I returned (my child has very complex needs on top). It was hell initially but trust me, it will be fine. A lot of women go through these motions (even without covid).

If your DH is such a high earner, have you discussed becoming a Sahm? Seems like this is where your heart is and if childcare is so high, it doesn't sound as if it is financially absolutely needed esp with a high earning husband.

[quote readyplayer2]@fightingSmiths

Catching Covid. I’ve seen loads of people say they’ve caught it in the work place even when it
was “Covid secure”.[/quote]
"Lots of people" how many, where? Most infections are from mixing in the home or frontline workers where social distancing is difficult.

Are these 'lots of people' on the Covid boards on a Mumsnet by any chance?

Or people you actually know? Who work in a similar workplace to you?

I'm normally the type to say that no job is worth it if stress is extreme, however in this instance I think it would be silly to resign. In a few weeks you are likely to be vaccinated, cases are dropping and you are able to take measures to protect yourself. We all get in cars and cross roads every day without a second thought, just be sensible and I'm sure you'll be fine.

how would working from home sort the nursery issue anyways? You said that worries you more than the office. Where would the baby be whilst you work your 3 days?

Catching Covid.I’ve seen loads of people say they’ve caught it in the work place even when it was “Covid secure”

Loads of people? Really? People you know personally or threads on MN where people have quite frankly gone batshit over Covid?