I'm sick of running the 24hr "Corona Cafe" !

[Pebbles574]

DH and two young adult DSs at home and I am just TOTALLY fed up with all the food shopping (online), delivery & putting away, stocking, checking and constantly restocking the fridge, freezer and larder and the ENDLESS meals, snacks, cups of tea and coffee etc etc.

We take it in turns to cook dinner, but the mental load is still mine ("what shall I cook"/ "I don't know what to make"/ "how do a defrost XYZ" etc).

Also, I have a food intolerance which means that I can't eat a lot of ready meal type food (including soups and pasta sauces) so I tend to make stuff from scratch for me. But I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THIS!
So for example today I made a huge batch of bacon, tomato and lentil soup which I thought would see me well into next week for lunches.
I said there was a small bowl each for lunch today, but to leave the rest to cool.
Then I came downstairs to find them all having massive bowls and seconds, emptying the pan and finishing off the loaf of bread which only just arrived this morning!

And it’s a constant round of nagging to get people to load and empty the dishwasher, and anything that needs handwashing just gets left on the side.

I really am totally fed up!

Anyone else want to rant too?

It's got nothing to do with our sex or low standards. It has everything to do with the fact that somewhere along the line, my DH learned that in order to make a meal, you have to destroy everything within your line of vision in order to make a shit bacon butty. I blame the PILs and boarding school.
It’s got everything to do with low standards. My dh was taught nothing, except that mum does the work. So he turned up with me and tried ‘I’m doing my best’ as why he’d only cooked once in 6 weeks. No you’re fucking not. You’re a competent adult man and your ‘best’ is one single event in six weeks of turning the oven on and combining food into a meal? You didn’t have to hunt it down and skin it.
He cooked crap meals and I explained tossing it all in a pan is for people who have a clue, if he wants to be in a relationship he either follows a recipe so he can contribute decent food or finds someone happy to take on the sole responsibility of providing healthy food for a family despite him being a perfectly competent adult.
He wanted a list to go shopping and I said it’s not helping if you still expect me to do all the thinking. He forgets something on the list and says oh well, I say oh well no dinner unless you’re back with it by 5.
Obviously it took longer than that and plenty of setbacks, but you didn’t have to accept those standards. I now have a fabulous dh who does most of our meal planning and cooking to provide healthy home cooked meals for our family.

Since mine were little (8/9) they have cooked.
Now young adults, all chores are shared.
We have started a family messenger group, as we run out of things, it is added to the group chat.
The next person who goes shopping, buys what is on the list.

We have a debit card in the tin on the counter for whoever is doing the shopping.
We also have a roster as to who cooks, cleans up, feeds the dog etc.
DD1 works in a kitchen and the rest of us never clean up our kitchen to her standard!

Oh God!
Teen dd who has gone from eating a fairly balanced if slightly fussy diet, to no red meat, to no pasta or cheese, and snacks are now things like dried seaweed rather than a relatively simple fresh berries habit over the course of the year.

Work has gone from busy to absolutely bananas. And I have asthma so avoiding shops. (And Dh is also bananas). So I am back to online shopping (we have done it on and off for a few years now).

So I am trying to have hot meals to suit everyone but failing badly so cooking a second meal at the last minute and wasting so much food. I get the odd treat for me but Dh has no self control and grumbles about treats in the house but eats them within a couple of days. So I get none.

I've mostly given up and dinners are now chicken breast, jar of sauce and rice or pasta. Almost no veg.

I miss nice meals, hot meals, and proper cooking.

Although dd did make cornflake chicken Piri piri with HM potato wedges one night last week and Dh cooked a steak dinner tonight.

Both can cook when it suits them - it just never suits them.

Since having teens, I now realise why my own mother used to hide certain food on top of her wardrobe.

I am quite ashamed of how useless my two are domestically and yes it is all my fault. Now they are at home, I return from a long day at work to find seven million glasses all over, plates by the sink, crumbs all over the chopping boards, shoes by the door, coats on the back of the chairs rather than the 10 hooks!! When they do manage to put something in the dishwasher they don’t fully pull the racks out and just kind of lob it in. general laziness really.

I tell them off, take money off them, tell them it is not acceptable and make them clear it all away as soon as I get in. They then blame each other and start arguing whilst doing it. The next day we repeat the same performance. It’s honestly misery.

Speaking to my friends/colleagues it is a very similar picture from their teens. It grinds me down though.

For meal making - Gousto has taken the mental load/shopping misery away from the equation.

Yes! I have 5 teens and a husband. I have had to resort to cooking and playing all meals to keep to any sort of budget as left to their own devices some of mine with have 2 tins of tuna on a jacket potato with a multipack of crisps each ( how are they so skinny??). I’m make over a hundred meals a week! It’s relentless.

I hear you. It’s just me and teen dd in my house, and dd does make some of the meals, but I still feel like I am running a cafe!

I’m finding the opposite!
DC share the cooking between them and sort the washing up. I haven’t cooked or washed up for ages!!!
(We don’t have a dish washer)
Twice a week they organise making bread (£6 bread maker off fb marketplace and bread mix from tesco) and baking scones or flapjacks from recipes they get off the internet.
Today we ran out of butter, eldest popped to the corner shop to grab some.
They both text me anything they want added to the food shop by Sunday night and I buy the same stuff every week from the supermarket so it’s really easy.
Not gloating, but they know I am busy and if they want a happy house and nice food in the cupboard they need to help me out.

The constant cooking/ shopping/ clearing up after everyone is driving me mad and my eldest is only 6yo! I have a long time until mine can fend for themselves.

I've already started teaching them how to make their own lunches and snacks and pour their own drinks. I have been asking them to clear up plates/ clothes etc. I thought after a few months they might not need prompting anymore - how wrong I was.

If I had teens/adult DC I would hope I could make a meal plan/ Rota and even print step by step instructions if needed so everyone does their fair share.

You need to speak with all of them OP. Can someone else order the food shop instead of you? Down tools for a week just make your own dinner. Tell them your fed up.

Your right about your family eating out of boredom! We have all done it.

Op I’m slightly concerned my dh is secretly masquerading as your son (I feel fairly confident he isn’t as he couldn’t pass for 21 in a month of Sunday’s, but still!)

The volume of food
The need for all meals to be hot ones - we had to attend a funeral yesterday and I arranged a packed lunch of sandwiches for in the car (2 hour journey, wanted to avoid service stations) and he was delighted. If I presented him with a chicken sandwich on a regular Tuesday he would definitely look all forlorn and bemoan how hungry he would be come 2 o clock.

Or I’ll plan meals and get soups for lunch - not good enough. Must be eaten with half a loaf of bread that was supposed to last the week.
He’s also recently discovered omelettes. I’m considering buying 20 chickens to keep up with his egg eating requirements as a result.

There was a thread the other day about how on earth have people saved money in the pandemic - our issue is the volume of food being consumed!

OP

Tell them they are all doing two days cooking. That means, cook / prep lunch and dinner and clean up afterwards.

Make a 'family cook book', you cook a meal once, they write the recipe BUT the recipe is written as 'ingredients', utensils', 'method'

Cook one meal they want to learn and get them to take notes / photographs / film.

When they cook they have to measure out all ingredients and put the packets away so 100g flour - measure it out, put in a bowl (disposable plastic/paper cups for less washing up) and put the packet of flour away.

Once all the ingredients are ready they have to get out all the 'utensils', they need, from a teaspoon to a roasting tin. They need to write this down or photograph it,

You should then have a recipe everyone in the family can make without asking questions.

It's a bit like you see TV chefs cook, everything is measured out ready.

@timeisnotaline

It's got nothing to do with our sex or low standards. It has everything to do with the fact that somewhere along the line, my DH learned that in order to make a meal, you have to destroy everything within your line of vision in order to make a shit bacon butty. I blame the PILs and boarding school. It’s got everything to do with low standards. My dh was taught nothing, except that mum does the work. So he turned up with me and tried ‘I’m doing my best’ as why he’d only cooked once in 6 weeks. No you’re fucking not. You’re a competent adult man and your ‘best’ is one single event in six weeks of turning the oven on and combining food into a meal? You didn’t have to hunt it down and skin it. He cooked crap meals and I explained tossing it all in a pan is for people who have a clue, if he wants to be in a relationship he either follows a recipe so he can contribute decent food or finds someone happy to take on the sole responsibility of providing healthy food for a family despite him being a perfectly competent adult. He wanted a list to go shopping and I said it’s not helping if you still expect me to do all the thinking. He forgets something on the list and says oh well, I say oh well no dinner unless you’re back with it by 5. Obviously it took longer than that and plenty of setbacks, but you didn’t have to accept those standards. I now have a fabulous dh who does most of our meal planning and cooking to provide healthy home cooked meals for our family.

So basically, you met a bloke and then turned him into someone who you wanted him to be. You trained him up and now you think he's fabulous, but you didn't when you married him.

Odd, to take on a project husband. I liked my husband and thought he was fabulous before I married him. Still do. I'm just pissed off with the lack of proper assistance/shared load.

Have thought about a rota?

Delegate tasks
Share the cooking more

Breakfast and lunch can be every man for himself and then take in turns for dinner

Have you heard of simply cook? It's brilliant, made food and cooking easy for me.

It's a subscription service. You get spices and recipes and then you cook meat, veg, rice etc. It's like cooking from scratch but quicker and less ingredients

You can get sons cooking these meals

Reading things like this makes me grateful that I'm here just with ds 7!

Do they pay rent? I would have a sit down with them and say this isn't acceptable and lay some ground rules. And make sure they're paying enough rent to cover all this extra food they're eating!

I have a long term health thing that pushed us to be this organised while we’re in lockdown... but in principle it might give some ideas. we have four kids ranging from 5-18, DH works full time, I’m at home.
There is a white board for people to write food or meal requests. Next to it we have a two week rolling menu, and one night every two weeks is take away. There is a fruit bowl, a shelf in the fridge, and a tin for raiding, the rest needs asking about.
My DS18 cooks all the weekday lunches, and is in charge of kitchen tidying in evenings. My DS13 is in charge of one evening meal a week, and clears up after lunch. The two little ones help with dishwasher.
All the kids and us (except if your cooking) have tidy time for half an hour a day before dinner when laundry gets done and put away and they have a job each, ie tidy hall, hoover, do recycling etc. The little ones take it in turns to set the table, and get to put their show and tell thing for the day in the middle so we can admire it. (Makes it exciting for them). All of them are expected to keep rooms tidy and help change bed linen. The little ones have a lot of help. They are also in charge of our chickens (with help), and the 13 yr old is in charge of the dog.
Because of the rolling menu the online shop is just an update each time, so I can just adjust the amount or add treats etc.
My DH usually cooks three nights, or we cook together. I do what I can, and keep it all organised. My kids know I need help and all know how to give it, but I limit how much because I don’t want them caring for me, I just need to keep things organised so it’s all possible and I’ve enough energy to get to bedtime! The biggest help are the tidy time, it’s great knowing the house is neatish before the kids bedtime, and the rolling menu, which saves time, planning and money. It also means people know the meals they cook because they planned them, so no help needed.

"You didn’t have to hunt it down and skin it"
Hahaha!!!!
This made me laugh !

[quote DeRigueurMortis]@templetree

Hurrah!
Thats the spirit !
Do you think it carried on for so long because you saw yourself as the default cook?
If any of mine expected a full english or muffins and poached eggs I would just laugh !

It was my fault tbh.

As I said I (normally) enjoy cooking and DH is useless (but to be clear pulls his weight overall in domestic tasks).

Through lockdown the burden of cooking, or rather tbh shopping and meal planning got a lot bigger and I just had the mindset it was my job regardless.

As I posted, a few weeks ago I realised I'd had enough and a "re-evaluation" was needed. The balance of effort that had been equal pre-COVID was not so now.

The tipping point was very similar to the OP with her soup.

I'd cooked a large (massive) cottage pie that was enough for two meals to give me a day off cooking dinner the next day. Served with tender stem broccoli in addition.

All the family fed very healthy portions. I leave it to cool before putting in the fridge and get a shower. Come back to find everyone has microwaved seconds.

The killer being they weren't actually that hungry and if they were they could have put the apple crumble and custard I'd made (that was declined as they were full) in the oven/warmed on the hob and had that - just boredom/lazy eating because "it was really nice and it was easy to microwave".

No thought for me having cooked a pudding they didn't eat and having to re-cook another meal tomorrow because that wasn't fucking easy for me .

So yes, I lost my shit and said more than a few choice words and decided a change was in order.

Only regret - I should have done it sooner!

[/quote]
If mine did this they wouldnt be getting another meal cooked for them either!
Good for you !
I would just shrug and say no idea, you ate it all yesterday .

Odd, to take on a project husband. I liked my husband and thought he was fabulous before I married him. Still do. I'm just pissed off with the lack of proper assistance/shared load

Im sure she thought her DH was fabulous but she set her boundaries regarding his lack of competence and sharing the load.
Its not odd at all.
Stop telling other women they are odd for having boundaries .
We put up with that shit from men all the time!

Same OP. The cooking is tiresome but I don't mind. DH is great at kitchen clear up so it's fair enough. But then there's the endless laundry 🤬

Do we know the age of the young adults? Ours passed driving tests at age 17 so I never buy shopping for them unless I am going to the shop and they ask for a specific item. They do all their own food shopping although I pay.

Then they claim to better at cooking than I am so they do all their own cooking and I just cook for myself and we don't now eat together - we did during a fair bit of time since having first child in 1984 but I am over that now. What I do do once they wash up their pans etc is I put that away and if dishwasher not stacked I put it on and empty it once a day which is not too bad. i also clean the surfaces in the kitchen most of the time but even there they think they do that better with stronger sprays than I use so they occasionally use those.

I think it started well in the 1980s for us as my children's father had owned his own house for a few years and I was a student so he knew all kinds of things I didn't -= better at washing machines, using cookers and all sorts - I was more than happy that he could be domestic expert and I went off and qualified as London city lawyer - we both worked full time but we never had a phase where I did more at home (I took 2 weeks off to have babies in kind of thing).

The thing is you can train infant and primary aged children to cook and work as a team, that was easy. But my teens couldn't care less now. DS won't even mix up the cookie mix he loves, DD sneak eats things I've put aside. It's really hard.

Yes! Why is there endless amounts of washing up it never ends? I am the only one to make dinner and sometimes husband is fussier than the children and I have a jibe that I'm sorry it's not food his mother would give him, my 6 year old boy is a snack monster he eats like a teenager and because we are also in home the toilet roll is never lasting! It is hard trying to think of a dinner every night!

Well I laid in bed this morning reading this and was inspired so I've now told my tweens that their breakfast and lunch is down to them, that they need to hoover, take the recycling out and do the dishwasher. I have increasingly felt like a sodding waitress carrying plates in and out and being asked for glasses of water ffs.. The tap is that way >>>. They're tweens. Not the most capable but I don't care if its cereal and jam sandwiches today, I'm not doing it.