My 5 year olds future

[JuneMoonstone]

I'm really worried about what the future might be for my 5 Yr old daughter due to coronavirus. Is she ever going to be able to go to dance classes with more than 6 pupils allowed per class, each standing on a circle that they can't move from? Will she ever be able to go swimming without me having to book weeks on advance and without strict, complex rules? Will she be able to complete a whole year of school without school closures? Will she ever be able to go on a school trip? Will she ever be able to go to the theatre or to see a pantomime at Christmas? I'm seriously worried about what her future will be like. Life has changed beyond recognition. Is life going to be this shit from now on, or maybe not this bad but nowhere near like it was pre covid?

I think the biggest risk for children right now is probably parents who are catastrophising and who lack proper coping strategies. The current situation is difficult, yes, but if you choose to highlight the negatives, your kids will suffer much more than they otherwise would. If, on the other hand, you choose to see the current situation as an opportunity to teach good coping strategies and develop their resilience, they are much more likely to get through it without lasting damage.

What makes you think that just because people are expressing their concern on here, that they're passing on their worries to their dc? So patronising.

Recognising the damage lockdowns are doing to children doing mean that parents are catastrophising or that they aren't doing the best things for their children. We are allowed to be worried and yet still do an excellent job under the circumstances.

But anyone pretending that this situation is all fine and dandy for most children is kidding themselves.

@Wingingthis

I understand- I have a 3 yo and a baby born in April 2020. I feel awful for both. And this is all my baby has ever known :( she’s never even met most of her extended family

It’s ok to feel sad for yourself....And for your family members who are missing your kids..but neither of your children will ever remember....and the baby certainly won’t Care who she has or hasn’t met....she just needs you

I think the biggest risk for children right now is probably parents who are catastrophising and who lack proper coping strategies. The current situation is difficult, yes, but if you choose to highlight the negatives, your kids will suffer much more than they otherwise would

I’m certainly not catastrophising about anything. From the outset I’ve been very pragmatic about the virus itself. My own DD (3) has been absolutely fine, mainly because I’ve done absolutely everything I can to mitigate this situation for her - including, it has to be said, bending the rules on a couple of occasions. She’s an only child but thankfully still at nursery and developing well.

I’m coming at this from a professional perspective (former teacher with Early Years experience and a Master’s in a subject allied to child development/psychology), and because I have empathy and recognise that many children will not be as lucky as DD.

Januaryissodull, if they genuinely aren't passing on their concerns to their dc, that's great. However, having grown up with a mother who had a tendency to catastrophise, I know how incredibly damaging that can be, and I also know that parents generally aren't as good at hiding their anxiety as they might think they are. If you focus heavily on the negatives of the situation yourself, then I think it's highly likely that some of your angst and negativity will transfer to your children, whether you are aware of it or not.

I am certainly not pretending that the current situation is fine and dandy for anyone. My dd is in year 11 and was supposed to be doing GCSEs this year. She has missed out on some amazing extracurricular opportunities, and as an extrovert, she desperately misses her friends, her grandparents etc. She's also old enough to understand that me (as the main breadwinner) losing my job is a serious concern. It's a crap situation, but dwelling on everything that she's lost won't make things any better, so we are trying to look for positives in the situation.

It might not be a popular opinion, but I honestly think that the best thing we as parents can do for our kids right now is to work on our own mental health and help our kids to build their resilience/develop their coping strategies.

I’m coming at this from a professional perspective (former teacher with Early Years experience and a Master’s in a subject allied to child development/psychology), and because I have empathy and recognise that many children will not be as lucky as DD.

And I guess I am coming at this from the professional perspective of having worked extensively with children who have experienced major trauma, which leads me to conclude that, tough as things are at the moment, they really aren't the end of the world.

I worry for my 9 year old. She is missing the music and dance education my older dc had. We're trying our best, but it isn't the same. I also worry she is missing important social interactions. Will she get to enjoy her final years at primary school?

I worry for my young teen who is missing social development to push boundaries and become more independent.

I worry for my older teen who is doing A levels and has hopes and dreams for university next year. I want dc to have an amazing experience like I did.

Oh and these worries are totally private and pushed to the back of my mind. Day to day I stay positive and encouraging and the dc are coping pretty well.

I feel a little the same but my kids are teenagers and early twenties so slightly different worries. Worried about study, job prospects, them being at an age where they would meet and form relationships etc. However i am optimistic it will end within a year.

You can feel sad/disappointed like we all do but you have to make the best of any situation as like could be a lot worse.

I always presume on threads like this that it's an outlet for people. In real life I certainly am making the best of it all. I don't think 3 year old DS is too aware of what's going on, beyond a vague understanding. I'm doing some home learning with him and that's fun. I'm not letting him be aware of my worries. This is where I come to talk with other worried people. I think a lot of the angry posts that may seem over the top to some posters are people just having their moment to let it out before getting on with doing their best!

I do agree with those posters who say that children these days are extremely fortunate and we don't need all the activities and things. I'd love to take DS to soft play but I also know that I never went as a child and obviously haven't suffered as a result. But it's not about that is it? These activities are where children play together, learn together, socialise together. If they were getting that elsewhere then it wouldn't be so much of an issue. I can cope with my DS missing out on clubs for a couple of years but he's not able to meet other children at all. That's the problem.

I’m coming at this from a professional perspective (former teacher with Early Years experience and a Master’s in a subject allied to child development/psychology), and because I have empathy and recognise that many children will not be as lucky as DD.

I agree, I work with 5 year olds and many of those dc's lives are not great but OP cares enough to know the importance of doing activities outside the home and cared enough to write this so I'm going to assume she's not one of the unlucky ones. The reality is a lot of these kids never went to swimming lessons or dance classes in the first place. That's not what's being discussed here

Excessive screen time is a poor substitute for face-to-face real-life interactions for children. Hopefully hard lockdown will be over by Easter and we can go back to a normal way of life (with some restrictions) allowing young people to see each other.

I didn't mention anything about excessive screen time, my dc have never spent less time on screens. I get for toddlers in England (children under 12 in Scotland are allowed to mix freely outdoors) but in the op's example of a primary age dc swapping organised classes for 2-3 terms for something less structured and more family orientated isn't the worst thing that could happen

@TheOtherMaryBerry exactly right, it's absolutely not about soft play and dance class. It's about being isolated for so long.

It doesn't matter whether children in other countries don't start school until 7 or whether people of mumsnet went to dance lessons in the 70s.

My point is children in other parts of the world (and we can take Scandinavia as an example since it's been mentioned) are not in formal education until the age of 6/7 and before that they spend a lot of time outdoors, trips to the forest, free play etc.

There are no rules against children do any of those things in the current situation. I take my 5 year old to a nearby forest a coupe of days a week, other days the local park if it is not too busy. He rides his bike outside with our neighbours child. Yes, I allow him to play with another child - shoot me. A year from now I am certain he will barely remember he was off school. I am bewildered bu the number of people who say their very young children ( I am referring to pre-schoolers and those my DS's age) are at risk of MH problems, are distraught and facing a ruined future because of they are not at school.

I completely understand the anxiety of a parent who has DC facing GCSEs or A levels. I am worried about young children in abusive homes. But an otherwise healthy, adjusted 5 year old? Come on now. These early years are important but not being in the classroom or going to Beavers for a few months is not going to impact their lives long term.

but he's not able to meet other children at all

This isn't true for little kids. Nurseries are open, people are allowed to form childcare bubbles, kids under 5 don't count in the 'only meet another person outside' rule. So two adults can take all their preschooler / reception aged children with them when they go for a walk.

I think it's the older primary and secondary children who are missing out more - although they can better cope with socialising via zoom meetings etc I suppose.

There are no rules against children do any of those things in the current situation.

But there are, we aren't supposed to be allowing children to play together. I also do all of those things with my DS, except for the playing with other children. I would be very happy for him to, but we don't know anyone and those families we do encounter in our park are reluctant to let their children mix and play. That's the issue. That's the massive problem.

So two adults can take all their preschooler / reception aged children with them when they go for a walk.

It is something, yes. But school tends to be where people make those connections and lots of people haven't had that opportunity this year. Some nurseries are open too, not all, and around here all school attached preschools are closed.

@TheOtherMaryBerry by playing with our neighbours child, I mean both children cycle around our cul de sac together and play chasing games (they are both 5). That's it. He doesn't play with any other child and there is no indoor mixing. We don't go to to forest with other families. Fortunately I have a 7 year old DS is happy enough playing with his sibling there.

I realise we are breaking the rules but their school is currently around 40% full with key worker children who are presumably all playing together. Nurseries are still open. I'm not disagreeing with you btw, just find that the current rules do not make a great deal of sense given that so many children are in fact mixing within schools.

I’m thankful that my 11 year old has some friends whose parents are not hysterical, who can balance and consider risk carefully. She’s been out for a walk with another child today, they then sat on deckchairs on my driveway freezing their arses off but drinking hot chocolate and interacting at a level appropriate to their age.

She has several other friends who are not allowed to do this. One of them in particular whose mother tells me she ‘is constantly crying.’ There’s no way I’m allowing my children’s MH to decline to that level, not a chance.

What I meant to say was, it’s very worrying that younger children who aren’t yet able to go out independently can’t do this, or kids whose parents won’t allow it, or kids who live rurally.

@CountessFrog

What I meant to say was, it’s very worrying that younger children who aren’t yet able to go out independently can’t do this, or kids whose parents won’t allow it, or kids who live rurally.

Totally agree. My younger son is 5 and apparently is not allowed to socialise with anyone his own age at all. How is they fair?

DS2 (7) hasn't got any friends that I could discuss happening to be in the park at a certain time with. The two-tier education has seen to that. The children that he formed friendshipships with have had access to school and he's dropped out of the loop, and 5.5 months of only having an autistic sibling to play with has meant that his social skills have atrophied and he didn't re-establish his friendships Sept-Dec. So now his experience of "school" is his teacher talking two-dimensionally at them while he insists of turning his camera off and puts his head in my lap.

It's easy to sniff at extra-curriculars and experiences, but they often fill a social hole. We have a classmate next door and they rarely get to play together because the classmate is in childcare much of the time. 30 years ago, the green around the corner would have been filled with children playing and I wouldn't have to book DS into sports club in the holidays for him to be able to play sport.

My 10 yo says that he can't remember what normal is anymore. This is about 10% of his life. A year is so much to children. I've been around the sun 40 times, this is 2.25% of my life.

The challenges of childhood have changed. The education system is pressured and target driven. Many children are remote from family. Social interactions are often formal. Will my 10 yo get let off in his SATs in 2022 because he's had a disrupted year of schooling and his SENs weren't bad enough to be allowed into school so he has to fall further behind at home.

All age groups u25 are facing their own challenges. Development is often time sensitive. You can not pause childhood/ youth consequence free.

Better months will come. Restrictions will ease. Eventually they will go completely. Better memories will form, but this phase will not pass consequence-free for all and it is sensible for parents to be concerned.

That’s a very insightful post abd I agree with you 100% but then I work in the arena of developmental paediatrics/psychology.

Somebody will come along shortly to tell you how selfish you are. It’s not selfish to be intelligent, informed and considered. I feel sorry for those who are not, and I worry far more for their children than for children like yours, who I’ve no doubt benefits from your concern and thought.

I sympathise hugely, having experienced this with my second child. When she was born, they’d scrapped antenatal classes, so she had no peers as a toddler apart from at nursery part time.

We then moved to a beautiful house on a road full of elderly people and she went to a primary school where the vast majority of children were over scheduled at weekends and seldom available for the type of free, unstructured and unsupervised play that is so crucial to human development, and without which children don’t properly learn to anticipate and manage real life risk.

We are storing up lots of problems and not the academic that worries me, it’s the social and cognitive. I’m sure you’re doing an excellent job of raising your child and mitigating this as far as you can.

I feel for the older ones and their future.
This time next year hopefully it will be over. The younger they are the more chance there is to catch up, to get on before exams. But for those on the cusp of adulthood it’s going to be very very hard to get over this.

It's worth having a google about previous pandemics such as spanish flu, plague, black death and even HIV. it let's you see how they ebb and flow and eventually reduce to almost nothing even with limited intervention. This will be a history topic being studied in year 5 within a short time. In the blink of an eye parents worrying today will be asked 'granny, what did you do in the covid pandemic? '

There was a historian on the last leg last week talking about the reason twenties were called the roaring twenties being to do with people enjoying themselves after the Spanish flu. That syphilis was rampant and they built a lot of cinemas and dance halls so that people could be in places together again.

@EvilPea that was Dr Hannah Fry. She's a mathematician rather than a historian