Is anyone else going to find things going back to normal difficult?

[Makinganewthinghappen]

I know that most people are hating lockdown and have struggled and I don’t want this thread to come across as being insensitive to that - so I apologise if it does.

I have 2 children who are autistic. My children have been home educated for years so that’s not been an issue for us. Over the last year demands on us as a family have disappeared. There has been no pressure to take the children to groups and activities to help the socialize, nobody has randomly popped in disrupting the routine, appointments that can over the phone have been. We have been going out places but very limited places - the beach or the park for example.

The anxiety level in my house has plummeted.
I KNOW we can’t hide away forever, the children have to go places, we have to see people. I realised when reading threads on here that when people are talking joyfully about a return to normality and wave of dread sweeps over me.

I am starting to come up with a plan to gradually get them used to things again. Short meet ups in familiar places, and little trips to more crowded places.

I was just wondering if anyone else was going to have to do this sort of thing? I actually feeling quite worried about it.

I can’t wait. 10 bloody months of never, ever being alone. Dh and 3 teenagers in the house the whole time, always at least one loud Zoom meeting happening. You can’t even go for a quiet walk in the woods without bumping into 30 other people.

When they finally go back to the office and school I plan to lie in the middle of my living room floor and breathe in the silence for about a week. Then I might go out for a coffee with a friend. One friend.

@thepeopleversuswork I love being with other people. But I like being one-to-one, in a quietish environment so I can hear them talk. And then I like a good long time alone before the next one. You’d know if I secretly didn’t enjoy your company because you'd never see me ...

I did think to myself it’s been ages since I have had that creeping unease about an upcoming social event that I really didn’t want to go to

Is it so difficult to get out of going to a social event? If I didn't want to go to something I found it quite easy to say "sorry, it isn't really my thing".

I think people much prefer this kind of honesty rather than a weedy excuse of a sudden stomach upset or migraine.

I've got an adult autistic son and his life has barely changed. He never really went out except to buy food, and spends most of his time on his gaming PC or following his own interests. He's had a lot of pressure over the years to do volunteering or training but he's genuinely not interested and I'm relieved that the pressure is off for now (the pressure was always on me and not him though). Life is just a bit busier and noisier at home (now DH is wfh and I'm at home more due to everything else being closed) though which does affect him.

I'm autistic and introvert as well, but my social circle has already been small for a few years due to having a toddler. I enjoyed taking my toddler out to places of interest (museums, galleries, toddler groups) and I miss doing that with her. I actually quite enjoyed the summer/autumn of last year when quite a few places were open and toddler groups were running (at least in my area) but there were much smaller numbers and no socialising between the parents. Many people say that baby/toddler activities exist so that the mums can meet up but that wasn't the case for me, I just wanted to take my DD to a different place to play. But we're able to go to playgrounds at the moment and that feels normal right now.

Having DH wfh is brilliant. He loves taking a few minutes out in the day to look after DD or put on the laundry, so life is much easier for me. I'll miss having him around when he returns to the office (hopefully it won't be a full 5 days in future).

I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to being repeatedly woken into the early hours by drunk people going home! When we came to live here nearly 40 years ago there were far fewer bars and restaurants nearby, and they closed earlier.

@Makinganewthinghappen
I do have to take them to some groups. When you home educated the local authority ask for a report of what you do once a year and one of the big ones is socialisation. This year we could say everything’s shut! But most years they expect you to attend a few “social” things a week. If they don’t see that they can force you to send your children back to school
I home educate and you really don’t need to take your children to groups. Yes the LA like to see that children are socialising but you can word the report in such a way so it covers that without groups and without lying. Not all of my children attend home ed groups it’s not an issue at all. Just talk about online gaming if they do that, parks where they have opportunities to play with our children , cousins , that you are a member of your local home ed group ( join on Facebook if you haven’t already) that offers numerous activities such as X YZ which the child can attend on an addiction basis when they choose to ( no need to mention that they never choose to).

It will be very difficult. I have loved not having to see people or go anywhere, it has suited me down to the ground.

I daresay I will gradually adjust but I love the solitary life.

Makinganewithin: Over the last year demands on us as a family have disappeared. There has been no pressure to take the children to groups and activities to help the socialize, nobody has randomly popped in disrupting the routine, appointments that can over the phone have been. We have been going out places but very limited places - the beach or the park for example.
...
I understand how you feel, it sounds idyllic and I bet your children are better for having no outside interference. They are able to develop at their own pace and will probably grow up fine.

You are probably not the only one who feels that way, I wish more notice was taken of sensible parents like yourself rather than professionals who pluck theories out of books and try to fit square pegs into round holes.

I have absolutely had enough, have 1 DC 12 who has been okay, but I think many people will struggle to go back however much we want it. Humans as much as we struggle do adapt as we have but I loved a packed bar and I cant imagine it now, I will.go back but I think for some like yourself there could be positive changes, do what makes you and yir kids happy. Yes you will have to accommodate others at times thats life but maybe not what you was doing before.

Many hated xmas but others loved it as meant they finally had xmas at home doing what they wanted. Many lessons can be learnt whether its slowing down or saying yes to everything. Whatever suits people!

Yes. I absolutely don’t want to go back to being based in an office with the wretched daily commute which is a drain on my time and resources. At this point I’m not sure what I want the balance to be.

My mental health is much better for it. I’m glad lots on here feel the same. Please let’s all stick together and stay strong. If enough of us make our intentions known across a wide range of sectors, managers will have to accept there’s been a seismic shift in people’s thinking and expectations. We want a new way of living and working.

@LizFlowers

rather than professionals who pluck theories out of books and try to fit square pegs into round holes

Exactly

Interesting post @thepeopleversuswork

But I do think we need to think we need to examine what it is as a society we have done that has made so many people feel actively frightened and upset at the prospect of having to socialise with other people

Yes, I think society in the last 15-20 years has changed a lot and that may have magnified some of the uneasiness and pressures some people have always felt about socialising.

This is an unscientific feeling but I've noticed that there are a lot of autistic posters on mumsnet, and probably many more who (like me until a few years ago) wouldn't necessarily know that they were, would just cluster more easily to online channels for communication and feel more at ease socialising here.

It also makes total sense to me that the noisier, busier and faster society has become, the more people like us struggle to adapt in all the bustle and speed, and the more "anxiety" was going to become a thing on our nervous systems. (I mean, relatively speaking, humans have only just discovered electricity allowing 24/7 lights everywhere, sound systems with deep pulsing bass, phones, mobiles, TV, Internet, etc etc etc...)

So some of us were always going to struggle a bit, and we're probably more likely to post on Mumsnet and threads like these than others.

It doesn't mean that every person you've ever known has been stressed out meeting you.

For me it’s not that I fear or dislike socialising, I just don’t “need” it. The only person I’ve genuinely missed during all this is my sister, as she lives in another part of the country. (My adult DC are living with me at the moment anyway). Other than that I’ve been perfectly happy.

It had made me rethink who I am doing it for when I accept social invitations. Pre covid I’d go out for the evening, come home and one of the DC would ask “did you have fun” and usually my response would be ”it was ok”. So I guess I am thinking more about whether I want to get back out there once we can.

I’m in my 50s and have been to countless gigs/pubs/restaurants etc over the years. It’s not something I need to keep doing. Other people in their 50s might still enjoy it, and good for them, but I am happier at home now.

zzizzer

It's not so much about how people think about me... I'm very much of the school of thought that people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind etc. I find it slightly troubling that people seem to have such a polarised approach to the way they relate to other people, ranging from a desperate need to connect ("I am desperate for a hug and prepared to break lockdown to get one") to "thank the Lord I never have to go to another works party".

I think a lot of commercial businesses put a great emphasis on extroversion (possibly because of sales culture and the need to "get out") and that's probably filtered through to the ordinary culture of life. Hence a lot of emphasis on "team building" in workplaces and educational settings: there's a place for these and they can be quite constructive in some environments but they clearly are not appropriate for everyone. I can see how this culture of enforced extroversion must seem a bit coercive if you're someone who struggles with social anxiety or is very introverted.

On the other hand though there's sometimes a tone of schadenfreude in the way that introverts and those with social anxiety have talked about the way sociable people have struggled with lack of contact. Along the lines of "now you know how we feel having to force ourselves to go to the words do". It sometimes borders on nastiness.

I can totally understand how an event like this would make people rationalise their social circle a bit and be less willing to push themselves to attend things that are a bit of a pain in the arse.

But the reality is that all of us even very introverted people need some degree of social contact, partly for reasons of emotional wellbeing and partly just due to the realities of life. Even if you're very secure in your immediate network its not great for this network to be the sum total of your social life forever: I've seen multiple posts on here from people saying they only need their DH and DCs -- that may work well for now but its a high risk and unhealthy way to spend the rest of your life. What happens to you if you've relied on the same one adult and two children if, say, that adult dies or leaves you? Having some exterior network is important, even if its minimal. You need to replenish your contact in order to keep things fresh and stimulating and to protect yourself in case your existing network stops working for you.

We need to get to a place where people are able to "socialise" in a way which is appropriate for them and is not terrifying or incredibly tedious to them. Some sort of happy medium between these wild extremes.

Well said @zzizzer.
DH is 7 years older than me and has had to deal with cancer. DD is making her own way in life now.

I would hate to feel that there was no-one else in my life.

@thepeopleversuswork

Some sort of happy medium between these wild extremes

Yes, the views on these 'introvert vs. extrovert' threads seem a bit radical, but I think most long for a balance that's suitable for them