Proving you need to shop in pairs

[Comefromaway]

Was just wondered by if there was anything father in law could print out or carry to say that he needs to go to the supermarket with mother in law.

Just to save him the distress of having to explain each time. Plus mil gets very aggressive if she hears him talking about her as she is in complete denial of her condition (Alzheimer’s)

Don’t really want to ask the dr as it’s hard enough to get an appointment as it is.

You do appreciate too @Comefromaway that your MIL is not in excellent health as diabetes is listed as a big risk factor for Covid.

Diabetes, heart conditions and being overweight.

Top of the risks.

Sorry but they ought to stay at home and your H ought to be dealing with their shopping.

@JinglingHellsBells

You do appreciate too *@Comefromaway* that your MIL is not in excellent health as diabetes is listed as a big risk factor for Covid.

Diabetes, heart conditions and being overweight.

Top of the risks.

Sorry but they ought to stay at home and your H ought to be dealing with their shopping.

IN which case I don't expect fil to live much longer as he was thinking of killing himself. Mil gets violent towards him when they are cooped up inside for too long.

My husband has a vestibular disorder which means he is not allowed to drive and he needs his own care when he is having a dizzy day, we also have two children with autism. You can't possibly know the hell we have been through these last few months.

Staying at home WILL kill them.

@Comefromaway and you know nothing about what I know.
My dad died from dementia and my mother nursed him alone for 3 years in her 90s.

Your H needs to get care sorted out for them and use POA which he ought to have along with any siblings.

He needs to involve their GP and SS to get care in place. Talk to Age UK and get support from them. They are used to dealing with people with dementia in denial and also support their spouses.

These are elderly , infirm people, and they ought not to be out shopping with the new variant being so rife and dangerous.

Sorry and I do sympathise but you are coming at this issue from the wrong angle. exposing them to the virus by shopping i s not the answer.

I cannot stress enough @Comefromaway how your FIL and MIL need outside support of some kind.

My DF died over 3 years, and was violent both physically and verbally. He was also doubly incontinent day and night and my DM in her 90s spent her time clearing up shit off the carpets and bathroom floor and doing laundry. He verbally and physically attacked me when I tried to help them.

So I know only too well what it's like, and how your FIL needs a support package in place. If he can't do this, your H needs to step up. And FGS get their food delivered.

We spent the entire summer battling with social services when fil went into hospital for a condition exacerbated by the fate he wasn't looking after himself because he was so depressed. He phones us at all hours to tell us about things she is doing, he gets frustrated with her she gets frustrated when she isn't allowed to go outside.

They have POA for medical and financial but that doesn't hep much. They offered for a carer to go in twice a week but mil won't co-operate and fil won't have anyone in the house as he cops for it when they have gone.

Mil is fit as a fiddle. My dad who works full time in the construction industry has more physical health problems in fact he got one of the original shielding texts before they changed the criteria.

send him two sunflower lanyards; then MIL won't know she's been discriminated.

@Jinglinghellsbells I know you mean well, but your insurance that, in your opinion, these people shouldn't be leaving the house at all is not helpful.

It sounds like the OP's family are balancing the risks as well as they can, including risk to FIL's life if he doesn't leave the house (OP mentioned he was a suicide risk). There is not a one size fits all answer and I imagine others passing judgement on OP's reasoned judgements is quite hurtful. OP has mentioned the need for extra support, but that (due to Covid) the options aren't palatable right now.

Insistence, not insurance.

I'm in the same situation as you op.

My mum doesn't accept she has anything wrong with her and would get very aggressive if my dad tried to explain the situation to a shop assistant. He would also be incapable of explaining discretely. I'm hoping that Sainsburys will have some compassion when they turn up. They are regulars in the shop and often need help from workers in the store. They will know that my parents are vulnerable because my mum took her guide dog in until a couple of years ago and I'm sure it's obvious to them how useless my dad is. Sorry dad.

Think I might need to contact my brother and give him a heads up. I live 2 hours away.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Comefromaway and you know nothing about what I know.
My dad died from dementia and my mother nursed him alone for 3 years in her 90s.

Your H needs to get care sorted out for them and use POA which he ought to have along with any siblings.

He needs to involve their GP and SS to get care in place. Talk to Age UK and get support from them. They are used to dealing with people with dementia in denial and also support their spouses.

These are elderly , infirm people, and they ought not to be out shopping with the new variant being so rife and dangerous.

Sorry and I do sympathise but you are coming at this issue from the wrong angle. exposing them to the virus by shopping i s not the answer.[/quote]
Oh lovely, a lecture. So helpful.

Actually, Comefromaway I'm starting to think that you're my sil. My mum has diabetes too.

When social services finally came to do an assessment fil lied to her and said it was a coming out of hospital check for him. But she still got angry and swore at the social worker and stormed into the next room.

Dh does have a sister but she doesn't live two hours away. She is local.

@JinglingHellsBells I'm sorry for the loss of your father, it sounds like it was a very difficult situation. I think you are a little out of order though, OPs relatives are entitled to make their choices as long as they are in compliance with the law. The "end result" of your viewpoint is essentially that people with disabilities should stay at home - either for their own good or the good of everyone else, either is not a pleasant attitude even under the current circumstances.

I am disabled and require someone with me to shop for various reasons - I normally show my epilepsy medical alert bracelet which is sufficient for shop staff, but sadly not people in the queue and I have had some comments similar to yours above and I find it upsetting tbh.

I also dislike the "they'll be taking up a hospital bed" rhetoric as though people with disabilities are less worthy of medical treatment, or are held to a higher standard than others. It's always been clear for example that shielding is guidance not law and there has been much more emphasis on our mental health in this lockdown. We also know realistically that we will be "triaged" (is that the term?) and especially when hospitals are full, would be at the back of the queue anyway, or ineligible for lots of treatment anyway eg ventilation. As an adult I assess that risk and make my (legal) choices - it's not for other people to decide, especially people on the internet.

@Comefromaway the Alzheimer's card sounds a good idea but tbh, common sense should apply - that anyone with a mobility aid like a walking stick might require assistance (although the irony is it's the person with an invisible disability that requires it!)

It's a dreadful, dreadful disease.

Mil watched her own mother suffer with dementia and in the early days when she probably did know what was happening I think that contributed to her sticking her head in the sand as it terrified her.

[quote Fuckmuppet]@JinglingHellsBells I'm sorry for the loss of your father, it sounds like it was a very difficult situation. I think you are a little out of order though, OPs relatives are entitled to make their choices as long as they are in compliance with the law. The "end result" of your viewpoint is essentially that people with disabilities should stay at home - either for their own good or the good of everyone else, either is not a pleasant attitude even under the current circumstances.

I am disabled and require someone with me to shop for various reasons - I normally show my epilepsy medical alert bracelet which is sufficient for shop staff, but sadly not people in the queue and I have had some comments similar to yours above and I find it upsetting tbh.

I also dislike the "they'll be taking up a hospital bed" rhetoric as though people with disabilities are less worthy of medical treatment, or are held to a higher standard than others. It's always been clear for example that shielding is guidance not law and there has been much more emphasis on our mental health in this lockdown. We also know realistically that we will be "triaged" (is that the term?) and especially when hospitals are full, would be at the back of the queue anyway, or ineligible for lots of treatment anyway eg ventilation. As an adult I assess that risk and make my (legal) choices - it's not for other people to decide, especially people on the internet.

@Comefromaway the Alzheimer's card sounds a good idea but tbh, common sense should apply - that anyone with a mobility aid like a walking stick might require assistance (although the irony is it's the person with an invisible disability that requires it!) [/quote]
Thank-you, your post really sums everything up. I'm sorry for your own poor health.

There are many more differences, so we definitely aren't related, but our situations are very similar. Just wanted to say that I know what you are dealing with and how hard it is. My dad is coping badly, but insisting on no help because his brother dealt so well with his own wife before she died. Sadly they aren't the same person and it's going to get worse before it gets better. Hope you find a solution.

to you too.

It is a balancing act and it must be so hard for a spouse. I have known many people with dementia who are really happy in their own little world with their memories but others, like mil just get frustrated and angry.

You know @Fuckmuppet, I've been thinking of getting a walking stick to try and make my invisible disability visible.
Because you are right, when your disability is invisible, like mine is (or the OP's mum), getting some respect from others seems to be getting quite hard.
I mean anyoine and everyine suddenly seems to think it's normal that you divulge your whole health history and them to make judgement ion wat you can and can't do. Even though they are not health professionals AND they are out and about themselves.

It's getting tiring tbh.

@Comefromaway

When social services finally came to do an assessment fil lied to her and said it was a coming out of hospital check for him. But she still got angry and swore at the social worker and stormed into the next room.

Oh dear. My mum has been embarrassingly rude to the community nurse before when she comes in to do her insulin injection. She has a somewhat aggressive personality anyway and the relationship between my mum and dad isn't great at the best of times. I expect her to get more aggressive in future. Unfortunately my dad is incapable of thinking on his feet and just tells her the truth, which isn't always helpful. At least your fil is trying his best.

@Fuckmuppet I am sorry for your own health issues BUT dementia is not classed as a disability per se in that sense, nor is diabetes. You are conflating two very different scenarios and that isn't fair.

If you want to read my post and advice as disability 'bashing' that it 100% incorrect and these elderly PIL are in no way like you.

They need support because the situation is not going to improve, is it?

Dementia gets worse, not better.

I am struggling to grasp why a woman in her 60s with dementia does not have a care plan sorted, so that either her H can go out alone and have some space, or they can be provided for by SS or some volunteers/ befrienders from Age UK.

Most areas now have local support groups- often via Facebook- for the elderly who will bring shopping or collect essential items.

I'm sorry that you feel my post was also aimed at you but it wasn't. These are older people, in ill health, with recognised risk conditions re Covid , and they ought not to shop if at all possible.

Wearing a sign of some sort to allow them to shop together, is not going to deter the virus, is it?

I'd just hope that the extended family of @Comefromaway PIL will sort something out to help the FIL's mental health as he is the one who needs support as well as his wife.

Help is out there- use it.

When social services finally came to do an assessment fil lied to her and said it was a coming out of hospital check for him. But she still got angry and swore at the social worker and stormed into the next room.

But they are used to all of that. It's par for the course.

I lived with my DF's illness for a long time. I know the anger and frustration and the threats of violence against their spouse.

I know what it's like but ultimately someone has to take control and create some care plan.

This isn't going to go away and you need to try to get support.

Sorry to jump on the thread but I was just wondering if you guys would think a blue badge would be adequate to show supermarkets? I can’t go shopping alone and all my local have announced this rule, I have a blue badge but don’t look disabled. Do you think they’d let a carer in with me if I show this?

Is this a new announcement? I've googled it and can only come up with stuff from late last year. My parents have definitely been shopping together since Christmas.

Last couple of days knitting.