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Original poster

Proving you need to shop in pairs

137 replies

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 08:22

Was just wondered by if there was anything father in law could print out or carry to say that he needs to go to the supermarket with mother in law.

Just to save him the distress of having to explain each time. Plus mil gets very aggressive if she hears him talking about her as she is in complete denial of her condition (Alzheimer’s)

Don’t really want to ask the dr as it’s hard enough to get an appointment as it is.

OP posts:

ShanghaiDiva · 13/01/2021 09:42

@Mackerelpizza

Today I am shopping with my wife who cannot be left alone due to her medical condition. I do not have any other support options at this time.

If you take this suggestion, end the text here. The apologetic final line is not necessary, and reduces the clarity of the message. These two lines are simple, clear, can be read and digested quickly, and contain all anyone needs to know.

Agree with this approach.

TonMoulin · 13/01/2021 09:44

That’s true @charliespie. That’s also the case with people with other disabilities who need support. Aren’t allowed out of the house ever you know....

Just shows the lack of compassion some people have. As well as the fact they’ve clearly never been ill themselves or have been close/supporting someone with a disability or illness.

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 09:46

Thanks for the sensible suggestions. Their daughter does help with the shopping but they do sometimes need to shop for themselves as she works long hours.

They live within walking distance of a large supermarket. She absolutely cannot be left alone, ever. we've had to put alarm sensors on they front door. She thinks her parents are still alive and she can go visit them a few streets away. She thinks she is allowed to drive (and we have stolen her car keys - we have!). She went into the kitchen for 10 minutes whist fil was upstairs and he found pans on the cooker boiling dry.

They also live in a tiny terrace house in poor condition with only a tiny back yard. For his own mental health fil does occasionally need to get out. To add to the issue dh (their son) cannot drive due to his own medical condition so he can give limited help. Since they allowed support bubbles for someone looking after a person needing continuous care they do come and visit us at the weekend.

OP posts:

81Byerley · 13/01/2021 09:47

@minnie465

I can't believe you even have to think about this :( what is wrong with people. I'd never dream of approaching an elderly couple and chastising them for going out together

I was just at the cashpoint at Waitrose, and saw a security guard challenging an elderly couple. They were discussing how they would split their shopping. The man told the security guard they didn't want to touch trolleys or baskets, so he needed to help by buying their 4 packets of cereal. As I walked away I heard the man tell his wife he'd wait in the car, then get the cereal once she'd finished....

Witchend · 13/01/2021 09:49

My mil has a card from the Alzheimer's Society to show people.

But I would try and encourage him to think about shopping online, for his safety as well as for hers. If he's caring for her, if he gets covid, then he's not going to be able to look after her.

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 09:50

And for those saying they wouldn't be challenged. You'd like to think so but you should see our local newspaper facebook page at the moment after three local supermarkets have announced their one shopper only policies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 09:51

@Witchend

My mil has a card from the Alzheimer's Society to show people.

But I would try and encourage him to think about shopping online, for his safety as well as for hers. If he's caring for her, if he gets covid, then he's not going to be able to look after her.

He was hospitalised last year with another, very serious condition that had partly flared up due to the stress of being cooped up inside a tiny house with her 24/7.

OP posts:

Meredithgrey1 · 13/01/2021 09:56

Could you call the supermarket to ask?
I doubt they’ll be stopped, but it might your FIL a bit more confidence to know that (for example) the shop will see the sunflower lanyard and not question him?

smileyplant · 13/01/2021 10:02

My mum rang up the supermarket and explained she would accompanying my grandmother as she has dementia (but she is also in denial about it) and could they let the security know they'd be the two ladies in dark purple coats. This has worked so far and the manager was very understanding. My grandma just doesn't understand why she can't pop out all the time like she used to so her weekly supermarket trip is the only thing keeping her on an even keel at the moment! They do try and go early at as 8am or later in the evening as that seems to be reasonably quiet so less questions from grandma as to why there are queue.

SomeFucker · 13/01/2021 10:04

This is so a sad to read. I would imagine your in laws look quite vulnerable when out shopping so it’s awful to think that they are being challenged. I think I’d get something written and printed out explaining your MILs condition that he can hopefully discreetly show people so she doesn’t get upset.
Is it possible for one of you to do shopping online for them? Maybe to get out of the house they could go for a short walk instead?

Sunshineandflipflops · 13/01/2021 10:06

That's so sad. I haven't heard of or seen anyone being approached for shopping in larger numbers than 1. In fact I was in my local co-op yesterday on my own and stood in front of a young-ish couple with their 2 children with them. Why one adult and the kids could't have waited outside it if was part of their walk I have no idea. They only had a handful of items.

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 13/01/2021 10:08

"Jesus Christ."

It's a perfectly sensible suggestion. If he can go shopping while their family stay with her or she may be able to stay alone - many many people including 2 of my relatives with dementia do so.

It might be the case that this is somehow impossible but as they have help at the weekends a temporary "lockdown" solution would be for him to shop at the weekend

Mrsjayy · 13/01/2021 10:08

I'd get him a hidden disabilities lanyard for your mum he doesn't have to wear it just keep it in his pocket. What a disgrace that he is worrying about this poor man, my parents shop together the supermarket they use has no sign up saying only 1 shopper is it a "thing"

Mrsjayy · 13/01/2021 10:10

Where do they shop ? I know Morrisons had the sunflower lanyards

PuzzledObserver · 13/01/2021 10:12

all it takes is one power hungry jobsworth on the door

I think that’s unduly harsh to store staff, who are following the instructions of their managers. Sainsbury’s has had “please shop alone” signs up all the way through. We were once challenged on shopping together, so I went alone for ages after that. Till I noticed nobody else was bothering.

But now - not even going to try, because it’s company policy, and the poor minimum-wage person on the door is going to have to enforce it.

OP - may be worth ringing ahead to your usual supermarket, asking to speak to a manager and explain? They might be able to confirm you will be exempt, and suggest the best way to ensure you are not hassled.

ohtheholidays · 13/01/2021 10:15

My DH is my Carer so we go shopping together and so far(touch wood)we haven't had anybody have a go at us about shopping together and I'm in my 40's and my DH is in his 30's.

I'd really hope that no one has ago at your poor FIL or MIL bless them,they all ready have enough going on with alzheimer's(bloody evil disease I helped look after my ex MIL who had early onset alzheimers years ago and I helped look after 2 people that had dementia as well and it is so so hard,I don't know how your poor FIL is coping with that ontop of all the crap that covid has sodding caused.

The one thing that might help your FIL is what I have, a sunflower lanyard and a card that states hidden disabilities and my DH has a lanyard with a carers card on it.

Try and buy them for them off of the official site if you can(it took us a couple of weeks to get them)because other places are selling them but for about 10 times the usual price.

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 10:15

@SomeFucker

This is so a sad to read. I would imagine your in laws look quite vulnerable when out shopping so it’s awful to think that they are being challenged. I think I’d get something written and printed out explaining your MILs condition that he can hopefully discreetly show people so she doesn’t get upset. Is it possible for one of you to do shopping online for them? Maybe to get out of the house they could go for a short walk instead?

You really wouldn't want to be walking round their area but their entry does back onto the retails park.

OP posts:

Xenia · 13/01/2021 10:20

Our Waitrose is like God's waiting room at times - masses of old people out here - one reason we are and have been since March one of the worst London boroughs for covid. However it is currently not too full actually as may be they are staying at home. Yesterday there were a few people in twos but it was so empty no one seemed bothered. My son went to a different shop but walked into Waitrose about a metre from me and then when I thought he had gone appeared and dropped some tins in my basket and then went so I suppose for about 30 seconds we were in "together" but again there were no problems with that.

No one knows anyone else's problems so best everyone just cuts each other some slack at present.

SomeFucker · 13/01/2021 10:21

You really wouldn't want to be walking round their area but their entry does back onto the retails park.

That’s a shame. Then I would try printing out something for him to explain discreetly or get one of the lanyards as others have suggested.
Hopefully things improve soon and they will no longer be questioned. It must be very difficult for you all. 💐

GingerNorthernLass · 13/01/2021 10:22

A little card from the Alzheimer's Society is a good idea.

Could you ring the store and see what they suggest in terms of shopping together and a good time? I've actually found that 6pm-ish is a good time as there are very few people on their way home from work, older people have been out earlier in the day and people with kids are having their dinner.

It's the Mum and Dad with four kids that make me raise my eyebrows not the little doddery couple out together (who obviously need to shop together).

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 10:23

Before lockdown they used to shop at smaller, more personal places where she was known. It was aa nice little routine the kept her grounded. She's spend an hour at the hairdressers, then they'd visit the butcher (who is now sadly closed) then walk across to the fruit and veg and bread/cake stalls at the local indoor market. They would invariably see someone they knew and have a drink at the little cafe in there.

Since lockdown that's been taken away and the decline in her has been frightening.

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 13/01/2021 10:24

Try printing this out for him - if you can't access a printer let me know, I could post it to you.

CuckooSings · 13/01/2021 10:25

Another vote for ring the supermarket and explain ahead. I have autism and don't wear a mask and sometimes need assistance. I always go shopping at the same time so its usually the same staff on duty and they all know me. Its much less stressful than worrying about questions- especially as I am selectively mute so can't answer

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 10:27

The little card from alzheimers society sounds exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. I doubt we would get her to wear a lanyard unless its silver or sparkly! It's bad enough getting a mask on her.

We are trying to get them into more suitable accommodation but they own their own home outright (though the condition is very poor) and are reluctant to take on rent. She might be too far gone for sheltered accommodation anyway. In normal times she'd be at the stage where full time residential care was needed but with visiting etc restrictions we are really, trying to avoid that if at all possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 10:28

@HavelockVetinari

Try printing this out for him - if you can't access a printer let me know, I could post it to you.

That's very kind but I'm at work at the moment where I do have access to a printer and the kids have one at home for their college work.

OP posts:

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