There is nothing in my children’s lives

[Howdydooo]

It’s all been taken away again.

I know it’s a pandemic. I know it’s temporary (but don’t know how temporary).

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time.

Please not the at least it's not the war comparisons, some of us are dragging our kids along today while working while managing our own mental health and doing jobs that involve supporting people. I just assume the women saying this are childless or have twenty somethings. No empathy at all.

@Notnamechangeday that’s really upsetting to read.
How old is your daughter?

I hope you manage to get her the help she needs, no child should have to feel like they would rather die than live through this.
Don’t listen to anyone comparing. Mental health and resilience cannot be compared, we all deal with things differently.

the majority of people are just being extremely negative which isn’t helpful to the people that genuinely need support and help with their mental health at the moment.

I’m surprised by how many people are saying their child’s mental health is struggling when in reality they’re sad, and being sad is completely fine at the moment. The things you describe are not fine and hopefully you manage to get your daughter back to feeling fine.

[quote Onadifferentuniverse]@Mcmole my daughter is in year 1 but we’re managing to write letters etc to friends.

Just have to remind them that it’s temporary and give them a reason to love being at home.[/quote]
Yep we've done some letters/homemade jewellery etc before to her friends, now she's a wee bit more independent she might like to do some more of that, thanks!

I don't think anyone claiming they are the same @Fizbosshoes just that they are (a lot) better than nothing. As a pp says, its possible to be sad and fed up with the present situation without claiming your children have nothing more to live for.

yeh this is not tough for my kids, not by a long way, even if we literally watched netflix for the whole 6 weeks theyd be fine! We've lived in Africa they know they are fine here! its all about what you present to them, they will be dispairing if you are. Moan about Boris and then say some nice positives about how lovely itl be to have them at home and put in some fun for the weekend surely! Order a takeaway, make pasties, choose a movie you can watch together anything! Ive made a schedule, my daughter said there wasnt enough mamma mia disco on it so weve added more, weve ordered library books, theres a whole world of fun we can still do. We are just so lucky here and the parks are still open too! And its only for 6 weeks!

I don't know why people think screens are an adequate substitute for people/friends. I know we temporarily have to use them at the moment but they aren't the same as human contact and face to face friendship

Nobody has said they are, but they are better than nothing.

I'm sorry, but this refrain about other people having it worse just reduces to the point of absurdity.

It ends up where you can argue that someone cowering in a cellar while bombs rain overhead should stop complaining because the person down the road is also cowering in their cellar but their elderly grandmother is with them too. It's ludicrous.

Yes, someone in the world will always be suffering more than you in some form, but that doesn't negate the validity of your own suffering.

And it's an attitude that stinks of postwar working class culture where it was essentially used to police people's complaints about their lot in life, and it's a programmed perspective that I've been trying my hardest to eradicate in my mother for the last twenty years, where it had done extraordinary damage to her sense of self protection and self worth.

It is a response that says more about the responder than the complainer in my view. The op has a right to feel desperate for her children and to want to talk about it.

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@oakleaffy my friend is having chemo for cancer but if the hospitals get overwhelmed or they get too many off then the treatment will stop also . [/quote]
This. Children and others complaining this is all 'to protect old people' need constantly reminding that if hospitals are overwhelmed with Covid cases (who are not 'just' old people) then they will not be able to treat the regular cases and especially emergencies that will inevitably need treatment.

It was notable that Johnson returned to "Protect the NHS|" last night - because that is the whole point.

@allcorythatwas

I agree with you. The thing is that this pandemic is not the great leveller as many posters seem to imply - everyone is in the same boat. No, personal circumstances cannot be more different. A full time working single mother with primary aged children is in a very different position to a SAHM with a teenager, and, quite honestly, many posts about how great an opportunity it is for family bonding and blanket forts and baking memories are quite patronising.

I am probably too angry typing this as I had an u-turn this morning from a client on a new contract (agreed between Christmas and New Year), and they don't hide that it is because of my situation with childcare in this fresh lockdown - they won't take on someone for 3 months who is likely to be semi-absent for most of it. I was gently managed out from my previous permanent job due to childcare issues during the previous lockdown (got a disastrous performance review). But I guess at least we can do arts and crafts, right?

‘ I don't know why people think screens are an adequate substitute for people/friends. I know we temporarily have to use them at the moment but they aren't the same as human contact and face to face friendship’

Lots of people have purely online relationships. Even relationships through letters.
Some people prefer to be like this? And for people that are deaf/ disabled this type of interaction is better than face to face. It doesn’t exclude anyone.

You’re saying this on mumsnet, of all places.

@Notnamechangeday, your daughter clearly has serious mental health problems and I hope you both get the help you need.

Not many teenagers will get the perspective stuff: they are programmed to regard themselves as the centre of the universe and the unhappiest and most put-upon inhabitants of the earth. It's part of brain and psychological development. I was like that as a teenager — talked about killing myself, couldn't see any hope. That was in the late 70s and fortunately I had a mother who just said 'Yeah, yeah' because she knew what feeling hopeless was really like because she'd lived through really hard times.

As adults in this situation our job is to model a robust response. That means keeping thoughts about lives being ruined, careers ruined, education lost to ourselves and recognising them as damaging and melodramatic, and finding strategies to keep ourselves and the children afloat emotionally. It's very hard but there are loads of great suggestions on here.

If all this happened 30 years ago people wouldn’t even have had a computer let alone the internet. How would lessons have been delivered then? And a mobile phone 30 years ago? Forget it.

Yes, someone in the world will always be suffering more than you in some form, but that doesn't negate the validity of your own suffering

Actually, sometimes it does. When you are dramatically wailing that your children have nothing at all in their lives and their childhoods are being stolen from them, you do need a boot up the arse to remember that children around the world actually DO have nothing in their lives and their childhood stolen, while your relatively pampered little darlings actually have more than you can count and you need to count your blessings.

Yes, its hard to juggle working etc with homeschooling but for fucks sake get a hold of yourselves and stop with the catastrophising.

@unmarkedbythat

I imagine if your kid was actually in a bloody refugee camp what he valued and what he preferred would change somewhat

I'm well aware of that. I'm making the point that humans can deal with many privations.. however, one thing which helps them get through it is other people and a community.

Hypothetically, a child living in safety, in a mansion in utter luxury but who never sees another child would not be lucky imo. They'd probably be far more miserable than a child living in poverty with loads of friends and a supportive community.

Not saying either hypothetical situation is ideal but human contact and socialisation is not an optional extra in life, it's absolutely fundamental to our life.

and weren't they in school yesterday? You are all talking as if they have been locked in dungeons for a year with only a mouse for company.

Children have more in their lives now than children ever have had. Certainly I’ve seen it compared to when I was a child. And my mum when she was a child. Back then children didn’t even have shoes sometimes.

Look at children in the third world. They don’t have anything. I suspect the situation here even in lockdown is better than theirs.

@Onadifferentuniverse she is 17. Im just feeling a little emotional this morning and I get sad when I read the resilience stuff and the bake cakes will make it all better. Especially as they have lost a friend recently taking her own life. We’ve struggled this year but we are accessing all the support we can and she is amazing and wants to be well. This situation just isn’t helping her & has made it worse. We will get there as she is determined.
I know the schools need to close it’s the right thing but i worry for this age group.

My 11 year old will bounce back and she seems ok but the 17 year old :/

@scully29

yeh this is not tough for my kids, not by a long way, even if we literally watched netflix for the whole 6 weeks theyd be fine! We've lived in Africa they know they are fine here! its all about what you present to them, they will be dispairing if you are. Moan about Boris and then say some nice positives about how lovely itl be to have them at home and put in some fun for the weekend surely! Order a takeaway, make pasties, choose a movie you can watch together anything! Ive made a schedule, my daughter said there wasnt enough mamma mia disco on it so weve added more, weve ordered library books, theres a whole world of fun we can still do. We are just so lucky here and the parks are still open too! And its only for 6 weeks!

Spot on! It’s all about attitude. If you despair and give up - so will your kids.

I would imagine the children who cope the worst are the ones who have parents wringing their hands out and declaring its the end of their childhood and they are going to be damaged forever. Parents who try and bring perspective and a positive attitude to the shit situation we find ourselves in will have happier and more positive children.

Much better to be in the positive camp no matter how crap we feel.

When I was at school we’d have all loved getting to be off school. We all hoped for Teacher strikes!

@PinkyU

Honestly I think you’re massively catastrophising. Your kids aren’t in danger, they’re not being shot at, smuggled for labour or paedophile gangs. They’re not suffering from a terminal illness or watching their sibling or parent die.

They’re in an uncomfortable and difficult situation that’s different to what they’re used to. They can safely access emotional or mental health support should they require it.

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but surely some proportion is required here.

Having worked in a children’s hospice and seen actual childhoods be damaged.

I was talking about this the other day with grandchildren and I said that once things return to a normal, whenever that is, they will find that everyone has had the same experiences of lockdown, it will be seen as a part of their life in 2020/2021. I honestly think that a lot of parents look for things to be 'devastated' about, the children, with support, will survive this thing and in forty years time they'll be boring their grandchildren to death with it!

As adults in this situation our job is to model a robust response. That means keeping thoughts about lives being ruined, careers ruined, education lost to ourselves and recognising them as damaging and melodramatic, and finding strategies to keep ourselves and the children afloat emotionally. It's very hard but there are loads of great suggestions on here.

Spot on @Shedbuilder

@Notnamechangeday she’s been through a lot, if she’s determined she will get there. It’s not like she can help how she is feeling, it’s scary being 17. Never mind being 17 and having gone through all of that at the moment

@Apollo3

Yes, someone in the world will always be suffering more than you in some form, but that doesn't negate the validity of your own suffering

Actually, sometimes it does. When you are dramatically wailing that your children have nothing at all in their lives and their childhoods are being stolen from them, you do need a boot up the arse to remember that children around the world actually DO have nothing in their lives and their childhood stolen, while your relatively pampered little darlings actually have more than you can count and you need to count your blessings.

Yes, its hard to juggle working etc with homeschooling but for fucks sake get a hold of yourselves and stop with the catastrophising.

This.

Children have more in their lives now than children ever have had

If you mean material things then yes, that's true.

However, they have less freedom, independence and less of a sense of community. Children don't play out anymore. Even in the best of times, many sit inside on screens instead of socialising and playing.