There is nothing in my children’s lives

[Howdydooo]

It’s all been taken away again.

I know it’s a pandemic. I know it’s temporary (but don’t know how temporary).

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time.

for you all: it's so tough.

FWIW, I've been homeschooling since March, as I'm CEV.

The biggest breakthrough for us was coming up with a reward system together. They went from grumbly buggers to (broadly) focussed and content.

They get three points a day, which can be taken away, but I always give them a chance to earn them back.

Three points is a small reward (like 20p or a sweet), thirty medium (like half hour extra lunch or me playing on the PS4 with them for half an hour: for some reason they love this),& ninety large (a day off chores, an afternoon off, a party).

Mine are primary & secondary.

HTH

I agree. Ok going all “yay team” and prancing around dancing isn’t going to help teens but as adults and parents it’s incumbent on us to manage this as positively as we can. Words like “devastated” and hand wringing about “ruined childhoods” are catastrophising unhelpful and potentially damaging.

My granny used to say “life wasn’t meant to be easy” which we used to eyeroll about but is probably right.

@Feministicon

Thank you x

The country is full of people who haven't had the benefit of a full British education, people who have grown up in refugee camps, or simply grown up abroad speaking a different language and following a totally different education system, people who have gone through a period of childhood illness or been in an accident.
Eh... Pretty much all of the above relates to me (apart from being a refugee, and then only because I had left my home country several years prior to things escalating to that level), and even with the horror of growing up speaking a different language I still find the current situation exceptionally hard.

Actually I find the historical analogies helpful those people were no different to us and they coped. It’s all cyclical. Read “how to stop time” by Matt Haig about a man who doesn’t die very thought provoking it’s all cycles of the same things that humans have to deal with every few generations.

I do know the feeling, Notnamechangeday. So hard, isn't it?

But your dd is still so young. She has time on her side.

My dd is 24. There hasn't been a year in her life when something similar hasn't happened. Except she has been ill herself. Took 2 years to get into HE because she was falling ill at crucial times (hospitalised on audition day). Had a reaction to a viral infection year before last which damaged her brain function: took her a year to learn to walk straight again. Did I mention she is studying physical theatre?

This year she's about to graduate but is now finding that her teaching is likely to be cancelled (performing arts not in the govt's list of institutions that can stay open) and that the end-of-year show, where they find agents and sell themselves to the profession will almost certainly be cancelled.

I'm not mentioning this in some kind of race-to-the-bottom exercise. I am mentioning it because I know what it is that helps her to keep going. Yes, a lot of it is her own courage and her own determination, but there is actually one other crucial factor- and arrogant as it may sound, that factor is ME!

Knowing that there is always someone there who she can rant to (even at 2 in the morning), who will always acknowledge her fears, but who will also laugh with her, and who will always, always in the bottom of their heart believe she can win through. I often get things wrong, but I never give up. And that makes a difference. Friends come and go, but a parent who hangs in there is worth a lot.

Hang in there, all of you. Our dc may not seem to appreciate it at the time- but they do! And they will! And you will make a difference!

Don't be so overdramatic. Millions of children are far worse off than yours, who have full stomachs, nice homes, parents, gadgets etc etc etc.
Get a grip.

It's rough for kids, really rough but it's no picnic for anyone at the moment, and with ICU's swamped, sadly there is no alternative

I still find the current situation exceptionally hard.

It is hard, I'm not denying it. What I was getting it as the idea that if you don't get a certain thing at a certain moment in time, it can never be rectified, never be picked up again. The idea that it all hangs on the moment.

Of course a pandemic is exceptionally hard.

But we need to hang on to the bits where we can still make a difference, to keep enough strength to deal with the bits where we can't.

Popping my children won't be finding any jobs as they are 15, 9 and 3.
I'm a single parent trying to work from home, educate the kids and try to prevent them from going fully feral and myself from having a breakdown. There is no 'enjoying the time off' as a PP put it, either. I'm losing my mind. And possibly my home.

@SpikySara

I’m not worried about here and now. I’m worried about the future. Will my toddler be able to go to school when he’s a teenager? Will he be able to date in his 20s? Because I can’t see this situation going away. I’m considering emigrating as soon as it becomes possible, to a country where the government actually protects its citizens.

Oh my goodness - you need to have a word with yourself. This won't continue for over a decade!

You'd be amazed at what children value.

Despite all the expensive days out, my ds still maintains the best day of his life was the day he went to the park with his friends by himself for the first time and got chips from the chip shop.

We were watching the news once and there was a report about a refugee camp...some boys were playing football. My ds said it looked really fun. I explained to him that they were in a desperately awful situation and had probably experienced some terrible things..his response, yeah but they get to play football with their mates.

He's currently safe in the kitchen of our nice house on his laptop with plenty to eat...he'd probably prefer to kick a tin can round some waste ground as long as he was with his mates.

There are lots of good suggestions here.
We HAVE to make the best of it. There will be kids who sat in front of a screen all year and end up unsocialised. There will be kids who fall behind in their education by an amount that cannot be regained. There will also be children whose parents/carers are determined that this WILL NOT happen. These kids will learn new games, instruments, skills, they will take long walks with their parents and will learn to be extra good at holding adult conversations and at being resilient, imaginative and creative. Many kids will develop wonderful imaginations because of the dens they have made and the adventures they had under a blanket/with Lego or other small world toys/with siblings etc etc. A choice has to be made by parents to teach resilience and spark action. You have toys/a garden/paper ... use it kids! and whatever you do limit screen time!

You say “children”.

Imagine how tough it is for only children.

They’re at home, with at least one loving member of their family. In the knowledge that they’re safe from this nasty virus.

Letters/ calls can be facilitated so they can keep contact with their friends?

I mean, it’s not ideal. But it could be worse, right?

And I would happily ban the word "resilience". Bog off with it, along with "selfish" and "safe" (and all the WW2 analogies). Come with something original

But it's the TRUTH and glaringly bloody obvious!

I’m trying to remain positive. This decision was for the best.
Sometimes life gives us challenges, my kids seeing me miserable about this won’t help anything.
It’s not forever, it’s just a blip and things will improve.

Your kids haven’t lost their friends forever or suddenly lost their life purpose because they’re temporarily not going to school.

@TitsOot4Xmas

You say “children”.

Imagine how tough it is for only children.

I have an only child and I am so worried about her, she's only six and is desperately missing friends. She was so, so happy to be back at school and this has made her so upset. Obviously I do what I can to spend time with her but it is so hard when I have to work as well - plus she gets a bit bored with just me! I am so stressed that this is going to have a long term effect.

This isn’t like ww2, it’s completely different and why people feel the need to even use that as a example is insulting to the children that lived during the war.

We are isolating our children from life - they not been sent away from family to a country side and yes they lucky they not hearing bombing or being bombed - but removing them from contact a hug from a friend laughing or making mistakes being with their peers - and with no idea when it will end.
We are not wallowing & I’m trying get a grip I’m trying my hardest whilst keeping food on the table and roof over our heads.
I have tried to install resilience in my wonderful loved daughter. We have paid both privately for therapy and used over stretched CAHMS - sorry that my child can’t see that at least she not a war child so should be grateful. In fact she thinks it would be easier to die than to feel the way she does. So I won’t let her know that at least she not a Syrian child and should be grateful. She already thinks it would be easier to end her life than fight her feelings.

@Mcmole my daughter is in year 1 but we’re managing to write letters etc to friends.

Just have to remind them that it’s temporary and give them a reason to love being at home.

A really good opportunity for young people to develop some resilience and independence, something sadly lacking from the school curriculum.

They have more time, be excited, learn together even if it just tiny, short bursts. What are they interested in? Do they even know? They have time to find out.
Use screen time to support them to learn a new skill, something practical. Can they do this with friends, arrange virtual meetings to share the new interest.
The only option is to be positive and model new resilient behaviours.

I really feel it must be so tough for only children right now. Mine argue like cat and dog but are deep down grateful to have each other...I think!

@goldielockdown2

Sorry but I'm not going to patronise my children or insult their intelligence with more jingoistic, clapping, 'all in it together', stuff upper lip nonsense. That is so last year. They are allowed to feel sad and I'm allowed to feel utterly defeated.

There is a middle ground between utter defeat and stiff upper lip nonsense.

@formerbabe

You'd be amazed at what children value.

Despite all the expensive days out, my ds still maintains the best day of his life was the day he went to the park with his friends by himself for the first time and got chips from the chip shop.

We were watching the news once and there was a report about a refugee camp...some boys were playing football. My ds said it looked really fun. I explained to him that they were in a desperately awful situation and had probably experienced some terrible things..his response, yeah but they get to play football with their mates.

He's currently safe in the kitchen of our nice house on his laptop with plenty to eat...he'd probably prefer to kick a tin can round some waste ground as long as he was with his mates.

I feel the same. Of course my children are lucky, they have a nice home, space to study, a garden to play in - they are way more fortunate than most but its not unreasonable for them to miss their friends, and activities, and sports...in real life. Yes they have zoom. Thats ok for adults who mostly chat. 10 and 11 year old boys want to be rushing about chasing each other, playing football, playing games, creeping up on each other.... (that said we did have a zoom treasure hunt the other day which involve rushing about the house at breakneck speed to be the first to bring the item back to the screen) Every year if I ask what my DC favourite thing about Christmas is, without fail they say seeing all our relatives (even the ones who are very boring demanding or have very little interaction with the DC) No matter how much I have loaded my credit card to buy a xbox or whatever they asked for, they will always say seeing family is the best thing. I don't know why people think screens are an adequate substitute for people/friends. I know we temporarily have to use them at the moment but they aren't the same as human contact and face to face friendship.

I imagine if your kid was actually in a bloody refugee camp what he valued and what he preferred would change somewhat