There is nothing in my children’s lives

[Howdydooo]

It’s all been taken away again.

I know it’s a pandemic. I know it’s temporary (but don’t know how temporary).

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time.

Jesus, how hysterical is this kind of attitude?

To be honest, I think your children are going to have more problems later in life from having such a melodramatic drama-queen mother than they are from the impact of the pandemic.

OP, this is a horrible time, but it will not be true that there is nothing in their lives. This is where you can truly make a difference!

Many of us have parented children who have been unable to attend school for long stretches at a time and who have also often been in pain and frightened they would grow up unable to ever engage in ordinary life. We have still given them some kind of childhood, we have still given them hope. It can be done!

Your dc do have many advantages here:

they are not (I assume) in physical pain

they can still do a lot of things at home

their friends are all in the same boat and will be eager to engage: they won't have the option to just swan off with more entertaining friends

they are still allowed a certain amount of mobility outside the home

they know that this will have an end- you can plan things for when that happens

These are things I learnt from parenting a child under perhaps rather tougher conditions:

be sympathetic but upbeat: "yes, I know it's tough but you'll manage"

accept that they do need to rant and moan at times, just keep modelling a calm and controlled approach yourself

there will be times when you feel absolutely despondent but you never let them know

distract, distract, distract

make jokes!!!

a schedule seems good here

try to arrange something fun that you wouldn't normally have thought of, but don't go to town on expensive compensations

allow yourself a set time in the day when you acknowledge your pain and despondency and then tell yourself "that's it for today, I'm not thinking more about this until tomorrow, I have a job to do keeping everybody's spirits up"

Also- please get this "paying for the rest of their lives" out of your head! Children have enough stress in their lives without this wretched idea that everything that doesn't work out perfectly is somehow irretrievable!!!

The country is full of people who haven't had the benefit of a full British education, people who have grown up in refugee camps, or simply grown up abroad speaking a different language and following a totally different education system, people who have gone through a period of childhood illness or been in an accident. Often these people do very well in life, because they don't believe that one period of their lives defines them. They're not a specially brave, different kind of person- they're just ordinary people who don't believe it's too late. And they're right!

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

They will be absolutely fine. Instead of thinking of them as poor victims, maybe take on board some of the above suggestions. As others say, there are kids who are home schooled their entire education, there are kids who grow up in rural Australia on cattle ranches with not a soul for hundreds of miles around....your kids will be absolutely fine, just as they are. Take this as precious time to spend with your kids. There are many abused and neglected kids who use school as somewhere to escape to. It's them I feel for.

Exactly, those kids must have already felt ‘othered’ and now completely trapped.

@corythatwas

OP, this is a horrible time, but it will not be true that there is nothing in their lives. This is where you can truly make a difference!

Many of us have parented children who have been unable to attend school for long stretches at a time and who have also often been in pain and frightened they would grow up unable to ever engage in ordinary life. We have still given them some kind of childhood, we have still given them hope. It can be done!

Your dc do have many advantages here:

they are not (I assume) in physical pain

they can still do a lot of things at home

their friends are all in the same boat and will be eager to engage: they won't have the option to just swan off with more entertaining friends

they are still allowed a certain amount of mobility outside the home

they know that this will have an end- you can plan things for when that happens

These are things I learnt from parenting a child under perhaps rather tougher conditions:

be sympathetic but upbeat: "yes, I know it's tough but you'll manage"

accept that they do need to rant and moan at times, just keep modelling a calm and controlled approach yourself

there will be times when you feel absolutely despondent but you never let them know

distract, distract, distract

make jokes!!!

a schedule seems good here

try to arrange something fun that you wouldn't normally have thought of, but don't go to town on expensive compensations

allow yourself a set time in the day when you acknowledge your pain and despondency and then tell yourself "that's it for today, I'm not thinking more about this until tomorrow, I have a job to do keeping everybody's spirits up"

Also- please get this "paying for the rest of their lives" out of your head! Children have enough stress in their lives without this wretched idea that everything that doesn't work out perfectly is somehow irretrievable!!!

The country is full of people who haven't had the benefit of a full British education, people who have grown up in refugee camps, or simply grown up abroad speaking a different language and following a totally different education system, people who have gone through a period of childhood illness or been in an accident. Often these people do very well in life, because they don't believe that one period of their lives defines them. They're not a specially brave, different kind of person- they're just ordinary people who don't believe it's too late. And they're right!

Lots of v helpful advice here OP ☺️

Sorry but I'm not going to patronise my children or insult their intelligence with more jingoistic, clapping, 'all in it together', stuff upper lip nonsense. That is so last year.
They are allowed to feel sad and I'm allowed to feel utterly defeated.

My 17 year old has had her driving test cancelled 3 times and now alevels cancelled doesn’t see the point of doing anything for school now, isolated completely as she can’t socialise with her friends. - she is feeling like there is no point, she started self harming in the November lock down and was very depressed in the first lockdown.

For my younger daughter there is time on her side and this will all be a distance memory.

For the older one and other older teenagers I think there is a risk to their mental health long term. Within a wider friendship group- one has sadly committed suicide (which has affected the whole community as she was very well known, lovely and seemingly happy) and two have attempted it. It’s scares me :(

I think they will become the most resilient and thoughtful generation we have ever seen.
I was just thinking this may help with building resilience which can only be a good thing.

My daughter is in her final year of a vocational, skills based diploma. It's not just about cancelling exams. She needs those skills in order to be able to get work.

My son is autistic. He was finally happy at college with friends and a girlfriend doing a practical course. I'm going to be allowing him to still see his girlfriend. She isn't local. We will facilitate it. I will pay multiple fines if necessary. I'm not going back to the suicidal kid I used to have.

OP, I have two DCs aged 14.

This is going to be a tough slog because even before we start this new period, my children haven't had the benefit of a full term in school, not even half a term, so we are starting from a point where they've already been glued to screens and confined to the house for the equivalent of more than two months (excluding original lockdown).

One has already spent a whopping 40 days not in school since September due to six isolations, 10 weeks of not being outside, along with a dose of Covid. The other, half of that.

They are feeling demoralised, as am I. But I have to put on my game face and try to motivate all, as well as working myself.

We go for walks (used to be runs, but one is still struggling after Covid) have a cross training machine (£10 second hand) , play chess at lunch. They have each other, which also helps.

I hear you, OP. It's shit for them and while we are incredibly lucky, doesn't mean we can't feel for them.

I feel sad for my kids too (they are tween/teen) In a lot of ways it feels safer them being away from school (I am fortunate to be pt furloughed so able to be here with them with them and not concentrating on a ft job, albeit our household income is significantly down) but they are so much happier being at school, seeing their friends etc.
My DD met her friend for a walk the other day (the only friend she has seen over the holidays) when I met her , to go home, they were shrieking with laughter and I realised how much I have missed hearing that.
2 years ago there was so many studies on how children were reliant on screens and smaller children were missing milestones from being on screens rather than interacting. Now our children (and us!) all need screens to communicate with anyone outside their house.
Ive been impressed with both my DC school and the work provided but it did depress me when I read the guidelines for homelearning for DD. Log on to teams at 8,30. Have all lessons on teams (apart from PE etc) ....and then they need to log in to show my homework to do homework. She is in year 10 so obviously a lot to cover for GCSE (im hoping they take this into account for next years gcses) but it just depressed me that she would be logged onto a screen 8,30 -3,30 and then log in again for homework.

Calmandmeasured the resilience tool thing has been thrown around since last March. In reality we've been plunged into a mental health crisis with no help available as services were already overstretched (and that's an understatement). Kids are dying. Then you have people online saying they should stop being hysterical because others are refugees/our great grandparents lived during the war/insert other unrelatable scenario

@PinkyU

Honestly I think you’re massively catastrophising. Your kids aren’t in danger, they’re not being shot at, smuggled for labour or paedophile gangs. They’re not suffering from a terminal illness or watching their sibling or parent die.

They’re in an uncomfortable and difficult situation that’s different to what they’re used to. They can safely access emotional or mental health support should they require it.

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but surely some proportion is required here.

Having worked in a children’s hospice and seen actual childhoods be damaged.

Totally agree. At Christmas I read my dad's diary from when he was 16 in WWII. He came home from work to find his whole street had been flattened by bombs and he had no idea whether his family had survived it. That happened twice before he was 18. Now that is stressful.

This virus has been awful but all we're asking people to do is to stay indoors. They can still communicate with friends and family.

It's so hard. All my ds had left was football but guessing that will be cancelled now.

My dds extra curricular activities were cancelled and never restarted. It's so sad, she has sn and was just starting to gain confidence, socialise more and blossom a bit. Then covid hit.

I'm devastated

Sorry but I'm not going to patronise my children or insult their intelligence with more jingoistic, clapping, 'all in it together', stuff upper lip nonsense. That is so last year.

I don't think one person on here has suggested that. No clapping, no denying of reality (it is a pile of shit!) and no need to patronize older teens. At the same time, I am proud of my family's ability to find a nugget of enjoyment in that pile of shit, even if it is just family takeaway night, and I think that will serve them well.

Also, the way I see it now, they may go on to get jobs which are work from home. Learning to work from home, structure your day, or even finding out you hate it and need a job with a lot more human contact, isn't a useless thing to learn at this stage. Same for my students- they need to learn to present themselves now on Zoom/Teams, speak online, participate in learning remotely- this is going to be like their new workplaces.

I don't see the choice between being overly depressed and fatalistic, or being ridiculously Pollyanna-ish, why not go with 'this is shit everyone, how can we live through it and make it better?'

Jesus Christ, how do you think kids managed through WW2?

Our kids are not living under threat of the fucking blitz or being sent away to live with strangers in the countryside!!!

Sorry to sound harsh, OP but it's time to go get that feckin' GRIP!

You're going to have to do what ALL OF US are having to do and get creative with time management, exercise & bloody zoom play dates again. Yes, all hellish but let's not wallow in it, shall we?

Defeatist attitudes just make everything worse, not better. Kids are resilient. Whiney but resilient!

Pull your big girl pants up, OP. They'll be OK, and there's still Netflix and wine once they're in bed.x.

Having said all that, I don't actually blame anyone (although I do blame BJ for making the call so late...multiple times) as this is a completely new and immensley difficult situation. Whilst I am of course jealous of countries that seem to have managed better and are now in more "normal" mode, we don't have much choice but to get on with the situation at hand, as best we can.
In some ways I feel me and my DD have grown closer...but I know I am a poor substitute for friends her own age.

Good gracious me. You need to instil some resilience in both yourself and your children. You would think you were being told to live like this for the rest of your lives.

If you wallow and display a completely despairing attitude then what can you expect of your children. It's a period of time that society simply has to live through. There is no other choice. So best to make the best of it and just get through it.

I'm not buying the resilient shit.

Humans can withstand a lot but one of the most damaging things to our mental health is loneliness and isolation.

I feel the same OP. My ds is 18 and in Y13, he's had three weeks away from college already and not seen any friends during that time, although he was at least joining his athletics group three times a week. Now there's nothing for at least this half term, although I have encouraged him to meet his local friends one at a time for a walk. We really are throwing our young people under a bus with Brexit and this. Nobody seems to give a toss about you if you are under 25.

I’m not worried about here and now. I’m worried about the future. Will my toddler be able to go to school when he’s a teenager? Will he be able to date in his 20s? Because I can’t see this situation going away. I’m considering emigrating as soon as it becomes possible, to a country where the government actually protects its citizens.

They can safely access emotional or mental health support should they require it

No they can't, NHS mental health services were rubbish before the pandemic. They certainly can't cope now, and that's if they're running at all.

@Lindtballsrock

All you can do is keep trying to focus on the positives. No one can argue this is good for children...it just isn’t. But the children aren’t hiding in bunkers/basements from bombs and having their food rationed..as children did in this country a few generations ago, and as children still are in some other countries. If your children are safe, warm, loved and well fed then they are still doing pretty well comparatively and their life chances are still going to be better than many others despite the pandemic and school closures. There is no dressing this up as being a great time...it is not a great time and it’s just not possible to keep everything normal for children at the moment. But all you can do is try to role model positivity and resilience for them, and access as much support/help as feasibly possible to get through this. It will come to an end in a few months, we just have to get through it day by day until then.

this, a thousand times this. Thank you Lindtballsrock, for saying this much better than I, an ancient retired Primary teacher, ever could. I am sending love to you all.

@formerbabe

I'm not buying the resilient shit.

Humans can withstand a lot but one of the most damaging things to our mental health is loneliness and isolation.

They have you ❤️

And I would happily ban the word "resilience". Bog off with it, along with "selfish" and "safe" (and all the WW2 analogies). Come with something original.

Wish people would stop going on about the fecking blitz it is in no way helpful. This is crap for kids. Of course there are much worse situations they could be in but why not just allow them to be fed up and mope and grieve for what they're missing. Those feelings are valid ans most kids will pick themselves up over time. Being constantly told to count your blessings is actually quite cruel.