There is nothing in my children’s lives

[Howdydooo]

It’s all been taken away again.

I know it’s a pandemic. I know it’s temporary (but don’t know how temporary).

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time.

@bluebird3

The people who the going to do the best coping with this lockdown are going the ones who are able to alter their mindset.

Instead of - we can't go to restaurants, it's let's see what we can learn to make at home

Instead of - we can't go to the playground, it's let's see what physical challenges we can do at home

Instead of - my kids can't play with friends, it's let's see what my kids can play together or with me

Believe me, I know it's shit but in times like these attitude is 90% of the battle. This is your greatest moment to shine as a parent to teach your kid about resiliency in the face of adversity.

It's more damaging to teach them to whinge that it's the governments fault/ it's not fair/ that rules should be ,changed just for them.

@bluebird3 this, totally. Best comment I've seen anywhere

Humans are enormously resilient. I don't mean this in a trite sense but an evolutionary one. Some mammals are fragile - their very survival is dependent on a narrow temperature/food/climate range. We can survive hugely variant external conditions and situations. But only if we adapt. Ideological Resistance to adaptation is our main threat.

I agree that kids experience challenges differently but think this is because they are less resistant and wedded to a belief of how things should be. I loved the power cuts in the 1970s as a child but there are things you can do to prep as a responsible adult. Vulnerability is not fun when you have dependants. Prepping makes you feel more prepared - obvs.

If you know something is quite likely to happen you can either dread it or plan for it. Neither will make it more or less likely to happen in situations where you are not in control.

Don't want to sound preachy. Lessons learned from the experience of having SEND DCs - but only when I realised it wasn't temporary and how futile and counterproductive it was to stamp my feet because this wasn't how it was supposed to be.

I deferred response - I will cope with no school place for 1 month, 6 months etc but then I'm done. I see that same feeling expressed so many times - 'I coped with the last lockdown but I can't do it again - I just can't'. Strangely it helped when people who understood told me I would cope because there was no alternative.

This is the way it is now. You just have to deal with the day to day with mostly NT kids in a pandemic.

Me, and thousands of parents like me had to deal with the day to day in normal times with DC who would have 1:1 in school whilst dealing with EHCP/DLA/tribunal hearings/JR etc.

It's crap emotionally but it could be worse practically.

My son's theatre group have now just postponed the musical they were supposed to do last May to May 2022. They have cancelled the play they were supposed to do last November altogether.

Everything really has been taken from him (and as an autistic child theatre and music was pretty much all he ever had)

I hate hearing people say that children are resilient....people used to say it about me as a child when my mother died. I wasnt especially resilient, I was just reluctant and too shy to tell anyone how I felt and ask for help.

So sorry @Comefromaway. That must be so disappointing

They could use this time to learn an instrument, get lost in good books, draw, cook.... there's lots to keep them occupied.

@pucelleauxblanchesmains

If I read the word "resilience" one more time I will spontaneously combust. No, it's not as bad as being in the war but older teens especially aren't going to have their mental health problems solved with a family film night.

Quite. Or by doing a [expletive of choice] jigsaw puzzle.

And can we stop comparing with the war, it was 80 years ago, and as I said a few posts back, we might be in a better position if we didn't harp on about the war all the time.

@starray who is going to teach them an instrument? My dd has had a year of zoom violin lessons with her teacher but it's a sad replacement. I think a lot of kids are now over the good book and baking. My 13 year old is utterly, utterly miserable. We've just had a walk and she wants to go to bed because she just doesn't want to entertain herself while I work again.
I'm so worried about the impact of this on our young people. So many people want to downplay it, but honestly, my kid has had enough!

@MerryMarigold

My kids (15,12,12) are doing great. Maybe it's because I am quite enjoying it too. They chat to friends on the phone/ over games. They meet friends 1:1 outside socially distanced for a bike ride or walk. We spend more family time. They get more tech time due to activities being cancelled (which they are happy about). It's definitely not as good as normal life, but it's not that awful either. I know we are privileged to have enough technology and desks (using birthday and Christmas/ ebay to get them quite cheaply). But it's really not that awful.

I would love to be able to do that but as I am working OOH full time it's not happening here. You are very lucky.

[quote barbites]@starray who is going to teach them an instrument? My dd has had a year of zoom violin lessons with her teacher but it's a sad replacement. I think a lot of kids are now over the good book and baking. My 13 year old is utterly, utterly miserable. We've just had a walk and she wants to go to bed because she just doesn't want to entertain herself while I work again.
I'm so worried about the impact of this on our young people. So many people want to downplay it, but honestly, my kid has had enough![/quote]
Exactly. The two months of live piano lessons that ds managed to get between September and October were way more productive than all his zoom ones.

(If they have a single parent working in ICU, they must be going to some form of childcare so theres interaction there, isn't there?)

Teenagers do not, generally speaking, go to childcare.

My 16 year old is screwed because we live rurally so there is no option to meet a friend outside to exercise. He's stuck with us for the time being and has been stuck since 4 December when the school sent his year group home to self isolate. His sister then got Covid so he didn't get to go back before the end of term. It won't kill him, but he's tired all the time (low mood I suspect) and very meh

Have an 'if I won the lottery I'd buy that house' type walk around the 'posher' parts of your town or village.

@LondonJax do you really think that is a good idea?

@twistedsistersocks

Have an 'if I won the lottery I'd buy that house' type walk around the 'posher' parts of your town or village.

@LondonJax do you really think that is a good idea?

Yeah that will cheer you up... looking at things you can't afford

Totally agree with @Lindtballsrock
Also, this idea of 'there is nothing in my children's lives' is simply wrong on a thread where we are talking about hobbies, musical instruments and friends. This makes me assume that the children we are taking about are warm, housed, fed and generally looked after. The word resilient is used too much but so is 'and don't ever mention that my children need to be more resilient!' (seemingly a MN favourite) Yes, children do need to be resilient and we need to step up and help them.

@formerbabe

I hate hearing people say that children are resilient....people used to say it about me as a child when my mother died. I wasnt especially resilient, I was just reluctant and too shy to tell anyone how I felt and ask for help.

This. I think people constantly parrot that children are resilient because it’s convenient for it to be true, rather than because it actually is.

@TheSunIsStillShining

and yet, people have survived for many 1000s of years without these modern amenities. It's a shit time, yes. But as long as they have a place to live, loving parents and food they will be fine.

But not every child does.

“bluebird3

“The people who the going to do the best coping with this lockdown are going the ones who are able to alter their mindset.

Instead of - we can't go to restaurants, it's let's see what we can learn to make at home

Instead of - we can't go to the playground, it's let's see what physical challenges we can do at home

Instead of - my kids can't play with friends, it's let's see what my kids can play together or with me

Believe me, I know it's shit but in times like these attitude is 90% of the battle. This is your greatest moment to shine as a parent to teach your kid about resiliency in the face of adversity.

It's more damaging to teach them to whinge that it's the governments fault/ it's not fair/ that rules should be ,changed just for them.”

This, absolutely.

Our YR 13 has been distance learning since mid Feb to protect his ECV dad. Briefly got back part time in Sept., lasted 6 days over 3 weeks before infections rocketed and has been at home since. Hasn’t seen another soul of his own age other than those 6 days but he has been pretty remarkable, no real complaints. Christmas was very hard though, he couldn’t see his big sister or his nephew for his first Christmas.

He’s nearly 18, mum and dad shouldn’t be his best friends but we’ve had to become so. At times, we’ve both felt in the depths of despair but revealing the extent of that to him would do him no good at all. Positivity is infectious and that’s what you need to show your kids, OP. Be honest with them but try to give them some perspective. This is the beginning of the end, the vaccines work and by the summer this will be an ugly memory.

At last, our College is finally providing a full, online timetable with live lessons and that’s already lifting his spirits - until now provision has been sporadic.
How is your school’s provision? Focus and routine will really help your children.

You can exercise in a public outdoor place:
• by yourself
• with the people you live with
• with your support bubble (if you are legally permitted to form one)
• in a childcare bubble where providing childcare
• or, when on your own, with 1 person from another household

Older children/teens who can go out on their own can go for a walk/ bike ride etc with a friend if they live close enough.

'Focus and routine ' but not every child has that from their parents.
All those children without loving parents that can get them through this. Many, many households in lockdown with children that do not have that taught to them.
What about those children?

There are children in Yemen with nothing in their lives. Children with mothers who are posting on MN are likely to have plenty of support and opportunities. If their hobby club has closed, then can they practice at home or read up about it - I used to practice fencing moved on my own at home so this should be possible for any hobby with some imagination!
What would they normally be doing with their friends? Can you think up some way in which they could emulate it on Zoom if just calling isn’t enough? Eg playing a game together or watching something together, even eating the same thing together.

This is going to sound very trite, but I suffered from mental ill health as a teenager and the one lesson I would pass on from that is that happiness comes from within. Obviously this is assuming you have the basics of food, medicine and shelter (unlike the children in Yemen). I wish, when I was a depressed and anorexic 16 year old, that I had known that if I depended on other people (be it friends, family or a partner), physical objects, or anything else out of my control for my happiness then I would never be happy and that I had to develop my own inner contentedness. I have been there and I know how shit it is so please use this opportunity to teach your kids that.

@IceIceBebe

Sixth former - so technically allowed to go to school as key worker child but realistically how many sixth formers are going to be in school? I would be interested if any one knows any that are

So when you were talking about a child, you meant an almost adult? Disingenuous.

No, 2 years away from being an adult is not an adult, it is still a child. 16 and a quarter to be precise. Not an adult. Not disingenuous at all. An age before being adult that is often dismissed, but is not an adult and still requires extensive parenting, since they are not an adult, but in fact a child. Why are you so mean?

Please dont teach your children to look on the bright side of life because they will learn to bury their feelings.
Yes we can think positive and yes we can get past this with the right attitude but let them express it's shit right now. And then focus on the moving forward.

@PattyPan

There are children in Yemen with nothing in their lives. Children with mothers who are posting on MN are likely to have plenty of support and opportunities. If their hobby club has closed, then can they practice at home or read up about it - I used to practice fencing moved on my own at home so this should be possible for any hobby with some imagination! What would they normally be doing with their friends? Can you think up some way in which they could emulate it on Zoom if just calling isn’t enough? Eg playing a game together or watching something together, even eating the same thing together.

This is going to sound very trite, but I suffered from mental ill health as a teenager and the one lesson I would pass on from that is that happiness comes from within. Obviously this is assuming you have the basics of food, medicine and shelter (unlike the children in Yemen). I wish, when I was a depressed and anorexic 16 year old, that I had known that if I depended on other people (be it friends, family or a partner), physical objects, or anything else out of my control for my happiness then I would never be happy and that I had to develop my own inner contentedness. I have been there and I know how shit it is so please use this opportunity to teach your kids that.

Dont compare your life and experiences with others. Everyone is allowed their own experience.

@Silenceisgolden20

Please dont teach your children to look on the bright side of life because they will learn to bury their feelings. Yes we can think positive and yes we can get past this with the right attitude but let them express it's shit right now. And then focus on the moving forward.

I don't think anyone is saying that children can't express that they feel the situation is quite shit. I think the vast majority of people feel it isn't ideal. There is a difference between that and some of the hysterical 'my children have nothing in their lives' posts though. If your children genuinely have nothing in their lives then step the fuck up and give them something, you are their parent and that is your job.