There is nothing in my children’s lives

[Howdydooo]

It’s all been taken away again.

I know it’s a pandemic. I know it’s temporary (but don’t know how temporary).

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time.

Its not judging. Its a fact. We all know it's not the 1960s where mother's kicked their kids out the house in the morning and expected them home for tea and the streets were filled with kids playing

Its not a fact. You said kids don't play out now, but they do. Nobody said they are kicked out for the day, but they do play outside. So not a fact, and you were wrong.

My DD, only child, age 10, has become so resilient and stoic over the last 10 months, I couldnt be prouder of her. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t fed up, she really is, misses her friends and family and her chosen hobbies. There have been a lot of tears along the way. However, think I have worried far more than I needed to and became aware that I was projecting my anxiety, especially over schooling, on to her.

We have put together a loose timetable today, a mix of school set work and then I asked her to pick a period of history to read about, a geography project ( she picked volcanoes). Might pick a language too, although using it in set pieces, when doing the garden or cooking, rather than learning all the verbs etc!

We will start planting veg seeds in a month or so. She bakes with me but we have started to advance onto other kitchen skills including food hygiene and using knives correctly. There will still be our daily walk.

It’s a completely shit time for everyone, some more than others, and I have so much sympathy for anyone struggling. loneliness, anxiety and stress are very personal, it’s not a competition, and everyone had their own personal breaking point.

But there will be an end eventually, and if we can bring our kids out the other side healthy, with a resilience and a calm and pragmatic view of life, then I think that’s the best we can hope for, surely that will be more useful in the long run than any sats scores?

@treedragon

I quite like lockdown and limited company for a year. But I value and enjoy my own company. Maybe that’s a lesson children need to be taught. How to enjoy and value your own company and make your own entertainment.

Yes, kids need to be social and interact I get that but they do also need to develop the skills that allow them to be ok alone. Too many kids today need to be entertained from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep.

@Apollo3

Its not judging. Its a fact. We all know it's not the 1960s where mother's kicked their kids out the house in the morning and expected them home for tea and the streets were filled with kids playing

Its not a fact. You said kids don't play out now, but they do. Nobody said they are kicked out for the day, but they do play outside. So not a fact, and you were wrong.

Well yes kids play outside... usually taken by their parents for an hour or so to the park. Hardly playing out like yesteryear.

@Calmandmeasured1

There is nothing in my children's lives.

It’s all been taken away again.

Screens are no substitute for friends.

They will not be fooled again by home structure and schooling. They have nowhere to go, no one to see and nowhere to go. And they know how long it went on for last time

They have nothing to do.

It will no longer be possible to motivate them to exercise or study.

What an utterly negative post. We are all living through challenging times but you need to try and be more positive so that your children will feel more positive. Children are like sponges and will soak up that negativity and it won't help them to develop into resilient individuals.

Your children have you, they have friends they can see on zoom/video calls, they have a home, food and drink and can go out to walk and exercise. Do they have books and games and toys? They have on-line schooling, I assume?
They actually have everything except, temporarily, they cannot mix in person with friends and other family.

This sounds as if it is about you and your inability to motivate them to do their on-line schooling. What are their schools doing?

I would instil a routine very similar to going to school as usual. Same hours. Stop for breaks at the same time as at school.

Maybe by putting our negative thoughts here it is an outlet for them which enables us to be positive when in front of our children rather than letting ours worries fester?

I was relentlessly positive for my DC last night but in reality I was scared to open his bedroom door in case I found him hanging, that's how upset he was last night. He's never had mental health difficulties but last night really threw him.

@Fluffypockets

My DD, only child, age 10, has become so resilient and stoic over the last 10 months, I couldnt be prouder of her. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t fed up, she really is, misses her friends and family and her chosen hobbies. There have been a lot of tears along the way. However, think I have worried far more than I needed to and became aware that I was projecting my anxiety, especially over schooling, on to her.

We have put together a loose timetable today, a mix of school set work and then I asked her to pick a period of history to read about, a geography project ( she picked volcanoes). Might pick a language too, although using it in set pieces, when doing the garden or cooking, rather than learning all the verbs etc!

We will start planting veg seeds in a month or so. She bakes with me but we have started to advance onto other kitchen skills including food hygiene and using knives correctly. There will still be our daily walk.

It’s a completely shit time for everyone, some more than others, and I have so much sympathy for anyone struggling. loneliness, anxiety and stress are very personal, it’s not a competition, and everyone had their own personal breaking point.

But there will be an end eventually, and if we can bring our kids out the other side healthy, with a resilience and a calm and pragmatic view of life, then I think that’s the best we can hope for, surely that will be more useful in the long run than any sats scores?

I totally think how bad this hits is age dependant but me and DH disagree...

He was desperated to get older DS back to school to 'socialise' but at his age I was out of school for 2 years and barely left the house (health issues), didnt suffer at all... I actually LOVED it, what teenager actually wants to go to school? if we didnt force him I dont think DS would ever emerge from his bedroom so certainly not bothered by it.

Our youngest however is a toddler, most his life now has been in lockdown and its so sad. He is missing so many early experiances, hasnt been around any kids his own age his entire life so socialiation hasnt happened and he just seems desperate to constantly get out the house, hes like a dog begging to go for walks - its definately taking more of a toll on him.

Wow that picture has put things into perspective.

I'll get flamed for this probably but my DS goes on his playstation every day and talks to his friends on there. Sometimes playing a game together and other times they just have a voice chat open while they are doing different things.

Its honestly been amazing for him to be able to keep in touch. He is 8 so no social media etc.

Well yes kids play outside... usually taken by their parents for an hour or so to the park. Hardly playing out like yesteryear

No. Do try to keep up. Children play outside, in the street, in the parks, alone, with other kids. Not with adults. I know you may find this hard to believe, there is a whole world outside of London. Imagine! Children climb trees and build dens and play in fields. Not in the 1950's, but NOW.
Wow, I know, your mind is blown, right?

I havent even told my ds yet , hes 6. Hes coped really well until recently where hes started to realise how long its been since hes had a play date / swimming lessons/ beavers . For 2 nights hes cried at bedtime because the next day holds nothing for him except more of the same .
I absolutely cannot bear telling him hes not going back to school on 18th Jan
I'm a single parent and hes an only child and I know there are millions like me out there
But having another parent to share the mental load with ( not to mention the schooling) and a sibling to play with would be invaluable right now . And somehow I have to wfh as well . I work on commission only so my earnings will hit the floor. I'll manage , of course I have to but I hate seeing people comment about "selfish " parents only wanting childcare - it's so, so much more than that .

Think about other areas of the world. My daughter was not allowed to leave the house during the first lockdown, while children in the U.K. were allowed to go out and play and exercise. She's been wearing a mask at all times, including for PE for months and months now. People here in Spain with kids were not getting paid anything after losing their jobs due to Covid and families were left literally destitute. Many people work cash in hand, so also got no furlough. I'm sure there are many countries where people have had it much worse than we have in Spain. Keep a bit of perspective as your kids haven't been left with nothing and they will get through this and be ok. It's a fucking shit situation all round and we haven't seen our family for a year and a half now and we have no family here, but it is what it is and it will be over at some point.

Sorry I don't live in a 1950s style village.

I think it's a reasonably uncontroversial fact that children in general nowadays have less freedom and independence than previous generations.

Sorry I don't live in a 1950s style village
Sorry you can't comprehend that other people have different lives than you. Must make empathy impossible for you.

I have not RTFT but I refuse to believe there is "nothing in our children's lives" right now. Children throughout history (and still in many places in the world) have grown up with formal institutional/precscribed education as the be-all and end-all of their lives. I say this as someone who prizes education enormously and who spent well over 20 years in formal education (and whose older children are still, in their late twenties, in formal education).

My kids (15,12,12) are doing great. Maybe it's because I am quite enjoying it too. They chat to friends on the phone/ over games. They meet friends 1:1 outside socially distanced for a bike ride or walk. We spend more family time. They get more tech time due to activities being cancelled (which they are happy about). It's definitely not as good as normal life, but it's not that awful either. I know we are privileged to have enough technology and desks (using birthday and Christmas/ ebay to get them quite cheaply). But it's really not that awful.

I have a 17 and 18 yr old. Yr 12 and first yr Uni. It is really, really difficult to get them motivated to do anything or be interested in anything. Some of the teens I know are doing a bit better, some are doing a lot worse. But there is no denying that is is really hard for them. And pointing out that at leas they aren't hiding from bombs is not helpful! I think it is hard for teens and young adults than younger children actually. At this point they want to be out spreading their wings. It is not all about mum and dad and home anymore. And it is such a pivotal time of their life. I do worry.

No one is saying it's easy, but it is also 'character building' in a way that very little has been in my children's lives. It's teaching them flexibility, how to live differently if required, how to be more self motivated, how to manage 'boredom' etc. etc. We have 2 options:

• moan and make our kids miserable too
• take the best from it and help motivate them to do things they maybe would not do otherwise

It is hard right now - but it will one day be over.

All we can do is work to give our children the tools to manage adversity - it will mentally hold them in good stead in the future.

Memory is a funny and plastic thing, if you can create even a few things that were different and fun - then hopefully that is what they will remember (over rather daily grind).

So we (as adults) have to take control of the narrative, because that shapes our children's experiences right now.

Work with what you have. Have dinner somewhere different in the house just because. Do things that are outside the norms of your routines. Dance around the kitchen to a silly song, have a tournament of some kind with a big chart on the wall (make it snap if you have to)

It doesn't have to be 'big stuff that takes loads of planning - it just needs to be different and happy or fun - so it gets fixed in their minds as something postive in a sea of negativity. This is how to help build resilience and create positivity when things seem the opposite.

Read most of the thread now. Remarkable lack of empathy from some posters. Telling people just to "cheer up, it could be worse, it's your own fault for being unhappy, just get on with it" is the most tone deaf response!!

When restrictions were lighter I went round my Neice and Nephews house on a Saturday and they were bored. So we did something different.....

Origami and tried to make different things.....

They didn't want me to go home and stay "10 minutes more".

Try thinking out of the XBox.

Ohh I think we started at about 2pm and before we knew it, it was dark outside and 6pm and time for a late tea!

I think we are under-estimating or at the very least not being conscious of the potential impact these measures have on young people and agree with the essence of the OP.

To fully develop a healthy psyche, humans need to integrate both collective and personal elements. Our children are being forced to live a very blinkered life, a life where 'safety' is the mantra.

Young people by design should not be pre-occupied with safety. That is not how they develop, they need to be taking risks and challenging the world.

Despite what pp are claiming, all the evidence tells us that the more you mollycoddle children and prevent them from taking risks, the worse off they will be long-term. It does not build resilience, it does the opposite, it prevents resilience from building.

So currently, they are unable to have the usual social interactions that come along with growing up. They aren't having to negotiate tricky conversations, conflict in relationships, they aren't even having to negotiate with their teachers that 'the dog ate their homework'. They are living very unchallenging lives.

This is not how people develop. I personally think the consequences of preventing children natural development and challenge could be pretty dire in the long-run, especially as childhood is where these patterns of thought and behaviour are cemented and you can't necessarily 'catch up'.

It’s effectively torturing young kids who are the least able to cope with the torture

I feel sorry for children and agreed with you until I read this. How can you compare this to "torturing" them? We are in a national (global!) emergency and unfortunately, lockdowns are necessary. Children have and do live through much worse - wars and destruction - which are much intentional and the fault of humanity than this pandemic. The truth is that whatever the government did, however they dealt with this, it would be having a huge impact on us all, children included.

The lockdowns will, sadly, undoubtedly have wide ranging mental health impacts on both adults and children, which will need to be dealt with. However, it is not "torture". Torture is defined as "the action or practice of inflicting severe pain or suffering on someone as a punishment or in order to force them to do or say something".

Lockdown is not torture. You are not being punished. It is there to try and keep you, and all of us, safe. And it's only going to be a few more months - you can get through it.

One method of torture is solitary confinement

Why do you think that is an effective method of torture?

I was once lucky enough to be at a conference where a talk was given by Debra Searle (was Veal) who with very little experience rowed across the Atlantic solo after her husband had to be rescued. She said what kept her going was a sign her sister sent her saying “Choose Your Attitude”.

I told this to my mum who has been through a whole load of crap. When she feels down she says to herself “Choose Your Attitude”.

I know that the situation at the moment is awful, but I really think we could help ourselves if we try as hard as we can to look on the bright side. I’m not trying to minimalist what anyone is going through, or say that this is a cure-all, or say we should forget about the awful things that have happened, but I think we can instil in our children that this is temporary, it’s something we have to get through and things will get better. And take joy in the small things - go for a walk, play in the snow, take photos, watch TV, play games, FaceTime friends. There’s lots to do, you just have to make yourself do it. And choose your attitude!