So I've had to lie to the school

[WankPuffins]

My dad is 86 and isn't coping.

He's in our support bubble but lives two hours away (which I know some people don't agree with and I've been jumped on on her about it before, but I am his only family so what can we do).

Dh has had to go and get him just now. He called us saying he can't take this anymore, he's worried about my baby in all this with her having two older siblings at school/college, he can't sleep and he can't eat. He's scared to leave his house and he's got no food in. He said he was considering taking all his sleeping pills but he couldn't when he thought of my children.

We then FaceTimed him so we could actually see him after he called and he's visibly lost weight. It's clear he's not been eating. We can't leave him alone. I honestly think he'll end his life if we do. So he's coming here.

Dd is supposed to go back to school tomorrow. I've just posted on another thread that they sent a heavy handed email basically pre emting people making excuses.

I don't want her going to school while my dad is here. We've not left the house apart from one click and collect since Dh took him home on Boxing Day. So we are as safe as can be.

Our area is now in T4 and cases are rising.

I've emailed to say a family member in our support bubble showed symptoms today after seeing us on Friday.

They have emailed back asking for proof of the relatives positive or negative test so they can say when Dd returns to school.

Obviously there is no test. But we couldn't be honest and risk a fine.

Flame away at me lying. But I feel like I'm inbetween a rock and a hard place with Dd and my dad.

And now I feel like I'll be under scrutiny from the school.

@ClaireP20 snap. My 4 month old was born when I was 40. And she's my third. There was outrage, I tell you!

@DumplingsAndStew

OP you are doing the right thing. Maybe not the lie, but the sentiment behind it.

I'm really just here to see if @StatisticalSense comes back 😆

Me too but I suspect they’ve run off to name change 🤣🤣🤣

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP. I can't believe some people flamed you for being in a support bubble with your dad - the rules make perfectly clear that this is permitted regardless of the difference and regardless of whatever tiers you are in!
I'm also sorry your school is being so unsupportive, I don't think this is typical. Our neighbours have been shielding throughout the pandemic as the dad is ECV . They've had their girls in and out of school (in for 3 weeks, then out for 2 weeks before half term so they could spend half term with their dad - they are trying to live separately in the house the rest of the time). The school has been understanding, no pressure, sent them work, no fining. Just do what feels right for your family, it's clear that you care for them all. I would email the school a couple of times with a v brief summary of what school work your kids have done (even if you only manage a minimal amount), just to show that you are keeping the education going. Best of luck.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

What a mess OP. Your Dad is being incredibly selfish tbh affecting your children’s education in this way. Yes I know he’s 86 but let’s be honest, it’s unfair of him to threaten to take all of his sleeping pills as a way to get you to do what he wants. Has he always been emotionally manipulative? I apologise in advance if I’m barking up the wrong tree and this is a new thing for him, either way what a stressful situation for you and your family. If he really cannot cope alone (or claims he can’t), how long is he going to end up staying at yours and thus preventing you all from living a normal life?

She is looking after her elderly dad who isn’t in great shape by the sound of it?? If they have a good relationship, why on earth wouldn’t she want to care for him? Maybe he is feeling incredibly desperate rather than manipulative? He is 86 so yes, it’s more than possible he can’t look after himself!

@StatisticalSense

You have potentially destroyed the education of hundreds of other children so that you can transport in a relative from hundreds of miles away?

Did you read the post ?

Thanks all again.

Even the people who have been harsh - I need to learn not to panic and be less impulsive. It's a massive issue of mine.

I'm hoping I will talk him into staying at Dh grandmothers while she is staying with his parents.

I need him close by because I can't keep putting myself or him through this and lord knows when this will end.

Well I really sympathise with your situation (I think I’d do the same if it were my dm - however I don’t believe she would ever act that way) I do agree with the pp about how selfish your DF sounds.

There is a family at my ds’s school who’s 2 dcs never returned to school in September due to the fact they have an elderly gran living with them. The younger child is constantly begging on the class whattsapp for the other kid to FaceTime him etc. The elder one never started high school (yr 7) and has missed out so much. I don’t know what the answer is but kids missing out a large chunk of their education along with the (even more important imo) social aspect is not good at all.

I have only read your posts. I'm not sure what to suggest. I'm a teacher and certain schools' obsession with getting kids in is absolutely bonkers! FWIW, we have pupils on roll whose parents have openly declared to the school that they won't be coming back until COVID is over (absent since September). I doubt they've been fined. I'm really not sure the school can actually ask for a test result anyway, let alone from a relative. How would you feel about calling the school's pastoral team and explaining the actual situation and asking for advice?

Your Dad is eligible for vaccine. How is he going to get it when he's hours away from home? Are you planning on registering him with a GP local to you? Much of your stress about school would be reduced if he had the vaccine and some level of protection from covid.

Personally I think its fine to take him to yours if he's in need of support, but please think logically about how to get out of this situation and start planning rather than just reacting.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Lots of people are doing the same to keep children off. Teenagers are doing a roaring trade in photoshopped results. They can't demand to see someone else's medical notes, as others have pointed out, so let them be heavy handed and someone will come along and put them right back in their place.

You have created some breathing space to work out how to manage your dad, and also see the direction of schools closing and shifting online. Your daughter can surely join one of the online Y2 classes for the next 10 days, unless the school are unwilling to make appropriate arrangements and thus lose any and all moral high ground? Get yourself some tea, and relax - you're all good.

OP, you have done the right and only thing with regards to your Dad.

I don’t blame you for what you’ve said to the school, I do think it would perhaps have been easier to explain the truth. I don’t know how likely it is that hon would be fined however, and I totally understand your situation.

I would now just say that your Dad has decided it to test and you are all isolating as a precaution. Buy yourself some time. Things are changing so quickly that who knows where we will be ina few days or a week and you can reassess even.

Good luck, I really feel for you.

@WankPuffins

Thank you.

I do feel shit.

I should have waited rather than panicking and firing off an email.

Frustratingly, I've just received another email which look a like it's an automated one (the other one was for the dedicated covid address the school has) which says:

It has been identified that your child, or a member of their household/support bubble has COVID-19 symptoms. Please follow the attached guidance of what to do next.

The return date for your child will be: 12/1/21 as the last day of contact was 1/1/20

or unless you can provide us with a negative test result and the child is not displaying symptoms.

The attached guidance was for what to do if the child displays symptoms

Nothing to worry about then, as far as the school is concerned.

There's plenty of space in the period identified for at least three government changes in policy.

As of the 11th, depending upon what changes have been made, how your DF feels and everything else, you can decide what to do next (and there were plenty of kids absent from school for almost identical situations before Christmas).

OP, no flaming from me. Email the school and tell them your elderly father is refusing a test, but has symptoms. Keep your DD off school, and give your dad a hug. Your family has to come first.

Firstly, ignore all the sanctimonious idiots on here. You have done nothing wrong. Imagine how you would feel if he died alone and broken. That guilt would far eclipse anything you might be feeling now.

Family always comes first. Regardless of peoples views on COVID-19, Bubbles, Distancing etc. there cannot be a reasonable person in the UK who thinks that leaving an elderly relative to waste away is acceptable.

I don't have advice on what you should tell the school...but I can only say that honesty is usually the best policy. Your child is young, spending time with her grandfather (if she doesn't go to school) will not kill her and she will likely thank you for it in the coming years.

Speak to your dad. Ask him if he is okay with your daughter going to school whilst he stays. If he's not, you can look to other options...if he is then he is knowingly taking a risk and it is his choice.

Finally, I know many elderly people (our area is full of retirees) who spent most of October/November complaining in our local coffee shop to their friends about their relatives who refused to see them all year citing 'risks' and actually felt like they were unloved and their relatives didn't care about them. I can only imagine what your dad must be going through. You've done the right thing

Sorry to hear you have been put in this position, it must be really difficult. I would have done exactly the same as you. Hopefully soon enough your dad can have the vaccine and his and your minds will be at ease xx

@sheepisheep

Your Dad is eligible for vaccine. How is he going to get it when he's hours away from home? Are you planning on registering him with a GP local to you? Much of your stress about school would be reduced if he had the vaccine and some level of protection from covid.

Personally I think its fine to take him to yours if he's in need of support, but please think logically about how to get out of this situation and start planning rather than just reacting.

I'm hoping he can either stay here for a few days and I can get him on an even keel and put things in place for him at home, or he will staying term (at Dh grandmothers empty house) and he can access medical care here.

@StatisticalSense

You have potentially destroyed the education of hundreds of other children so that you can transport in a relative from hundreds of miles away?

@StatisticalSense how about a bit of honesty here? You got in early on this thread, and you decided to try and start a bit of a fucking pile-on. On an OP who is clearly distressed and dealing with a vulnerable, suicidal loved one. And now it's backfired, and you don't even have the decency to own it and apologise.

Anyone else updating their mental 'Cunts on MN' spreadsheet tonight?

Not read the full thread but surely they can’t ask to see a test result unless it’s a student at the school? It’s private medical info surely??

I’m a teacher. You’ve done the right thing.

Years ago I had huge money problems and found myself crying on a woman from the bank. She said “Don’t cry about money, some things are far more important” and I was baffled because she worked for the bank and I assumed she’d really judge me, and my point here is that some things are far more important than a few days of school.

@ PotteringAlong Your eally think she should tell the truth? Seriously?
OP look after family first. Sorry you are having a difficult time.
Iddo the same if I was in your shoes

StatisticalSense how about a bit of honesty here? You got in early on this thread, and you decided to try and start a bit of a fucking pile-on. On an OP who is clearly distressed and dealing with a vulnerable, suicidal loved one. And now it's backfired, and you don't even have the decency to own it and apologise

Spot on

Kids stay off for less. Do it. Nobody else's business.

OP. Please get in touch with your own GP reception and let them know your dad is staying with you at the moment. He then becomes a temporary resident and if your own GP surgery is vaccinating any time soon he could have his jab there instead of having to go home for it. It’s important to register him anyway just incase of any ongoing MH issues

@Regularsizedrudy government guidance is that no school can even require to see a student’s result.

Not helpful when parents are claiming negatives when their kid is asymptomatic positive, but helpful in the OP’s case because her white lie here (and I agree with her actions under the circumstances) cannot be called out.

@WankPuffins
If that was my Dad I would do exactly the same
Schools cannot request private documents so don't worry about that - they'll have so much on they'll probably forget anyway

I think everyone has to do what they think is best - there is not one solution for every family as everyone circumstances are different

Just remember - we are all in the same boat however, we all ride a different storm

Be kind to yourself and your family xxx