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Original poster

Cancelling mum coming for Christmas

157 replies

DonkeyMcFluff · 21/12/2020 12:09

Tier 3 here. We’ve been very careful to stay safe so we don’t get ill over Christmas. We booked holidays in order to have a week off work before the 25th. DC finished school at the same time. Pre-ordered most of the food weeks ago and froze it. Pre-booked a fresh food delivery which arrived today. Wrapped gifts early and dropped them off. We literally don’t need to go out again for the rest of the year. So we can be safe and healthy over Christmas, enjoying films and walks and games with DC.

My mother (our bubble, retired, never goes out) has announced that she’s off to the hairdresser on Wednesday 23rd. We’ve had a huge argument because it’s an unnecessary risk. If she catches Covid at the last minute it’ll ruin Christmas for all of us. So I’ve said if she goes to the hairdresser she needs to isolate away from us and not risk our Christmas bubble.

AIBU? It’s just a stupid hairdo and it’s not like she’s going out anywhere or seeing anyone except us. I’m not having my hair done, it looks awful and I’m just putting up with it because the world has gone to shit and I have to prioritise safety over looking pretty. I’ve gone to huge effort to make sure DC have a lovely safe Christmas that’s not spoiled by getting ill and I’m not willing to risk that for her fucking hair.

OP posts:
year5teacher · 22/12/2020 10:37

Unless you are vulnerable YABU. Overreaction.

PerveenMistry · 22/12/2020 10:38

@TheKeatingFive

I wonder if you will regard it as a good innings when you get to that age?

I’m not sure that’s the point. Will she want to make her own decisions around risks/benefits at that age? I expect so.

But risk-takers are not just making their own decisions. What they do has repercussions for others, especially if they become symptomless transmitters or end up needing health care.

PerveenMistry · 22/12/2020 10:42

@XiCi

So I’ve said if she goes to the hairdresser she needs to isolate away from us and not risk our Christmas bubble Absolutely fucking awful behaviour. So she's in your bubble , never goes out, and it's ok for her to be at risk from you usually going to work and your kids from school but when she wants to make 1 visit to the hairdresser you ban her from joining you at Xmas?. I think you should be ashamed of yourself. Feel so sorry for your mum, I think I'd tell you to fuck off actually.

It only takes one exposure.

Mom was given an invitation under certain conditions. If she chooses to flout those decisions she can suffer the consequences.

No one ever died from skipping the hairdresser. Let her wear a scarf or hat if she wants to spruce up.

Original poster
DonkeyMcFluff · 22/12/2020 11:07

It’s the difference between essential and non essential risk. Going to work for example is an unavoidable risk. But trips to the hairdresser, Christmas shopping, garden centre, nail salon, etc are all avoidable. Cumulatively that’s a lot of avoidable risk.

Personally I don’t find it acceptable to watch my mother die a terrible death from Covid, alone and unable to even hold hands with her family, and just sit there and say “oh well, she’s had a good innings”. I’m sure her littlest grandson would like to have his granny for another five years so he’s old enough to remember her. Can’t believe that anyone can justify an avoidable death like that.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 11:09

But risk-takers are not just making their own decisions. What they do has repercussions for others, especially if they become symptomless transmitters or end up needing health care.

The health of the entire nation should not be placed on the shoulders of a 70 something year old woman doing something that’s perfectly allowed. Hmm

I’m aware from your multiple posts on the topic that you think we should be sealing ourselves in plexiglass pods for the foreseeable, but it should hardly come as a shock to you that others aren’t prepared to live that way.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/12/2020 11:13

What a massive over reaction. Hairdressers are very safe. My 80yo DM is still getting her hair cut and I had mine done yesterday and it's not stopping my DM coming on Christmas Day.

XiCi · 22/12/2020 11:16

Personally I don’t find it acceptable to watch my mother die a terrible death from Covid, alone and unable to even hold hands with her family
You need to stop the melodrama. In the unlikely event she was infected by the hairdresser its just as likely, if the worst came to the worst, that she would have symptoms similar to a mild cold. This is what happened to my mil and fil, both late 70s with underlying conditions. Its not an instant death sentence

TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 11:17

Personally I don’t find it acceptable to watch my mother die a terrible death from Covid, alone and unable to even hold hands with her family

It’s her decision what risks she’s willing to take. Not yours.

It’s pretty clear from your replies that you didn’t clarify your expectations with her beforehand, so yes, YABU and I feel bad for her that you’ve handled it like this.

Original poster
DonkeyMcFluff · 22/12/2020 11:19

It’s her decision what risks she’s willing to take. Not yours.
Yes it is up to her. But if she chooses to take that risk I’m within my rights to say I don’t want to be exposed to her.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 11:21

I’m within my rights to say I don’t want to be exposed to her

Agreed.

But you owed it to her to set out your isolation ‘conditions’ clearly when she accepted your invite.

wannadisc0 · 22/12/2020 11:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

baublesbaubleseverywhere · 22/12/2020 11:30

@DonkeyMcFluff

It’s her decision what risks she’s willing to take. Not yours. Yes it is up to her. But if she chooses to take that risk I’m within my rights to say I don’t want to be exposed to her.
But if you and your DCs only finished school/work on Friday, you're a much bigger risk to her.
XiCi · 22/12/2020 11:32

But if you and your DCs only finished school/work on Friday, you're a much bigger risk to her
Yes this is what I dont understand. I think a lot of people are happy to use covid to get out of hosting family tbh. Difficult to understand if you are from a close family

PerveenMistry · 22/12/2020 11:33

@TheKeatingFive

But risk-takers are not just making their own decisions. What they do has repercussions for others, especially if they become symptomless transmitters or end up needing health care.

The health of the entire nation should not be placed on the shoulders of a 70 something year old woman doing something that’s perfectly allowed. Hmm

I’m aware from your multiple posts on the topic that you think we should be sealing ourselves in plexiglass pods for the foreseeable, but it should hardly come as a shock to you that others aren’t prepared to live that way.

Multiply that woman by millions of others creating non-essential exposure. That's why we're in a deadly surge now, with worse to come.

Everyone thinks they and their wants are the special exception.

TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 11:35

Multiply that woman by millions of others creating non-essential exposure. That's why we're in a deadly surge now, with worse to come.

Just get one of those pods for yourself, job done.

Tierrasfuente · 22/12/2020 11:36

Personally I don’t find it acceptable to watch my mother die a terrible death from Covid, alone and unable to even hold hands with her family

I thought your objection to her going to the hairdressers was Christmas week specific? Surely she has been in shops, the odd hairdresser trip up to now? Are you worried about her or yourselves OP?

You seem very sure that making your DM spend Christmas alone because of a minscule risk is not unreasonable so I am not sure why you are asking tbh.

littlepeas · 22/12/2020 11:45

Fucking bonkers.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/12/2020 18:52

What I read into your post is someone who is at the end of their tether, to which I can relate but I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. You had a plan and she's not going along with it but because you are so strung out you can't see that you are clearly more of a risk to her 7 days after your kids finish school, but you don't want to hear that.

Unsure33 · 22/12/2020 19:11

Before we knew about the new variant I would have said you were being harsh. But as 4 members of my family all have it , I have changed my mind .

The daughter was asymptomatic and visited her grandma for a very short time . Wore a mask , cleaned her hands and socially distanced , and now her Nan has it as well.

We are all hoping that they will be ok .

Mischance · 22/12/2020 22:51

I can understand how hard it is for you to know what to do. I know my DDs really want me to be with them at Christmas but I am not happy about it and they are not happy to risk my catching Covid - they have watched their Dad die this year and could not bear to think of possibly doing it all over again with another parent - they would feel very guilty if I caught anything from them.

3littlewords · 22/12/2020 23:18

she went on an illegal car ride with her friend

Please elaborate on this OP, was there drink drugs and high speeds involved?

YAB completely U! BTW

PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 00:03

@Unsure33

Before we knew about the new variant I would have said you were being harsh. But as 4 members of my family all have it , I have changed my mind .

The daughter was asymptomatic and visited her grandma for a very short time . Wore a mask , cleaned her hands and socially distanced , and now her Nan has it as well.

We are all hoping that they will be ok .

So many people are in denial about how serious this situation is.
Jejazz · 23/12/2020 07:47

Everything about this post makes me sad...
I understand your viewpoint OP, I do, and obvs, your house, your rules, but it sounds like you and your Mum are both going at this in a very confrontational manner. Ultimatums never work out well, can't you just explain to her how you are feeling? Maybe ask why does the haircut seem so important, is it that she doesn't think it's a risk, is it that she's really fed up and lonely and really just wants to look nice for Xmas? Maybe offer to take her out for some pampering together as a thank you once all of this terribleness is over?
I am living in a tier 4 area and so we now can't see any family at Christmas, will just be DH, myself and DS, who's only 2 and this is the first Christmas that he's really excited about. All our family and us are gutted. I used to think Christmas was just a day but being able to see family again was actually really keeping me DH husband going, these moments really are precious. Hopefully all our family will still be there next year and we will do it in 2021, but I have other friends also in tier 4 with very ill parents, it will probably be their last Christmas and they will not be able to spend it with their grandchildren.

I work in the NHS (no handclaps please) and have had to see patients this week, some of whom are Covid positive, so perhaps it's for the best for our families that we can't meet (although while it was still allowed they were adamant they were still coming regardless of the risk).
Frankly, the idea that you would be allowed to see your Mum and willingly exclude her, like I said, that just makes me sad. Maybe because she's in your support bubble and you see her quite often so it feels less of an issue?
Whatever you decide, please just do it with some kindness. She's your Mum, there's a global pandemic going on, none of us know how many Christmases we and our family have left....

Jrobhatch29 · 23/12/2020 07:55

@DonkeyMcFluff

It’s the difference between essential and non essential risk. Going to work for example is an unavoidable risk. But trips to the hairdresser, Christmas shopping, garden centre, nail salon, etc are all avoidable. Cumulatively that’s a lot of avoidable risk.

Personally I don’t find it acceptable to watch my mother die a terrible death from Covid, alone and unable to even hold hands with her family, and just sit there and say “oh well, she’s had a good innings”. I’m sure her littlest grandson would like to have his granny for another five years so he’s old enough to remember her. Can’t believe that anyone can justify an avoidable death like that.

Do you still see her when youve been to work etc? Surely not if you are so worried about her untimely death. So she can see you when its an "unavoidable risk" but when the poor woman wants a hair cut its just too much risk? I would tell you to fuck off as well
userxx · 23/12/2020 08:01

@3littlewords

she went on an illegal car ride with her friend

Please elaborate on this OP, was there drink drugs and high speeds involved?

YAB completely U! BTW

🤣 brilliant