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Original poster

Cancelling mum coming for Christmas

157 replies

DonkeyMcFluff · 21/12/2020 12:09

Tier 3 here. We’ve been very careful to stay safe so we don’t get ill over Christmas. We booked holidays in order to have a week off work before the 25th. DC finished school at the same time. Pre-ordered most of the food weeks ago and froze it. Pre-booked a fresh food delivery which arrived today. Wrapped gifts early and dropped them off. We literally don’t need to go out again for the rest of the year. So we can be safe and healthy over Christmas, enjoying films and walks and games with DC.

My mother (our bubble, retired, never goes out) has announced that she’s off to the hairdresser on Wednesday 23rd. We’ve had a huge argument because it’s an unnecessary risk. If she catches Covid at the last minute it’ll ruin Christmas for all of us. So I’ve said if she goes to the hairdresser she needs to isolate away from us and not risk our Christmas bubble.

AIBU? It’s just a stupid hairdo and it’s not like she’s going out anywhere or seeing anyone except us. I’m not having my hair done, it looks awful and I’m just putting up with it because the world has gone to shit and I have to prioritise safety over looking pretty. I’ve gone to huge effort to make sure DC have a lovely safe Christmas that’s not spoiled by getting ill and I’m not willing to risk that for her fucking hair.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 21/12/2020 23:38

@DappledOliveGroves

Why are you so worried if you catch it? Odds are you'll be fine. And if she catches it then surely that's her prerogative - again, she'll likely be fine and if she isn't, then she's in her late 70s and presumably has had a good innings? YABU - she wants her hair to look nice, just let her get on with it.

This is one of the most ignorant opinions I've ever read on this site. Truly reprehensible.

No wonder the pandemic is raging.

TheClaws · 22/12/2020 04:22

@DappledOliveGroves

Why are you so worried if you catch it? Odds are you'll be fine. And if she catches it then surely that's her prerogative - again, she'll likely be fine and if she isn't, then she's in her late 70s and presumably has had a good innings? YABU - she wants her hair to look nice, just let her get on with it.

Some advice: before clicking 'Post', have a good think about whether the thought you're posting should be voiced to the world. This one, for example, would have been better off left in your head where no-one else could know about it. Thanks in advance.

augustusglupe · 22/12/2020 04:38

YABU Why haven't you gone to the hairdressers OP? They're open, all safety measures in place and it'll lift your spirits.
Your mum wants to feel her best for Christmas.
We're all dealing with this differently but you sound a bit OTT and borderline hysterical about it. Does it really suit you to not have her round atall I wonder..

WouldBeGood · 22/12/2020 04:49

YABU, this is ridiculous.

I cannot believe you would treat your mother like that for undertaking a perfectly legal, safe and normal hair appointment. Horrible.

GADDay · 22/12/2020 04:54

@ethelredhead

24% of infections are picked up in hospital (so avoid those like the plague). practically none in hairdressers, shops or hospitality. i fear that covid has triggered the neurotics into spasms of insecurity that will take mountains of prozac to cure.

i've lost three people this year in that generation: one from dementia, one from cancer and one fell off a ladder. none from covid, which is still only responsible for around 10% of deaths - much less if you discount the people who were dying anyway and picked it up in hospitals and care homes.

but your house your rules.

@ethelredhead

You are aware that prozac is prescribed for mental illness? Your post is at best inconscious bias. Being mentally unwell is NOT the same as being neurotic.

You would take the piss out of somebody taking insulin.

GADDay · 22/12/2020 04:55

UNconscious

NeverForgetYourDreams · 22/12/2020 04:55

If I were your mum I would get hair done and not see you. Hair dresser transmission rate is negligible. You are being melodramatic Unless you are clinically vulnerable of course in which case you shouldn't be mixing to protect yourself anyway.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2020 05:18

YABU
You haven’t isolated for long enough to be on your high horse and more likely by far to be the carriers. Your mum is in a support bubble with you. That means you think she needs contact with yet family. She never goes out and this is her one time only doing so. You otoh go to work, your dcs go to school and yet you think she is the riskier one. Very odd.

Lamentations · 22/12/2020 07:44

YABU and sound hysterical. I disagree with the posters saying you can 'be unreasonable' to your mum just because it's your house. The same shit gets peddled to justify people acting like arseholes to others just because it's their wedding day. You can but you shouldn't. Make sure you'll be happy when you have hurt feelings and irrevocably damaged your relationships.

WouldBeGood · 22/12/2020 07:50

And she will be getting her hair done to look nice for a visit. Perfectly normal.

This is a sad thread.

redcarbluecar · 22/12/2020 07:51

I’m spending Christmas with my elderly mum, who will be getting her hair done not long before my arrival. Getting her hair done is an important part of her general wellbeing. It hadn’t occurred to me to cancel our get together and tell her ‘it’s only a stupid hairdo’. I shall follow your lead, OP.

Fizbosshoes · 22/12/2020 07:54

I thought they said up to 70% more transmissable.

Fizbosshoes · 22/12/2020 07:55

I'm pretty sure PV or CW said that in saturdays briefing it was up to 70% more transmissable

Getoutofbed25 · 22/12/2020 07:58

I totally get it, we are in a similar position. My fed eill be in hospital this Christmas having major surgery and his disease due to come for Christmas. She is still coming but has been in another family members home with their grown up kids and partners, no masks etc. My mum is beside herself worrying as these are just the risks we know of.

User158340 · 22/12/2020 08:12

People really need to be isolating this week as much as possible if they're visiting other households on Friday.

The more they don't the worse things will be in January and the more they're putting their own families at risk.

merrymouse · 22/12/2020 08:56

@TheDinosaurTrain

It’s 70% more transmissible, not a transmission rate of 70%.

But any which way, you have to do what you are comfortable with. And you have to work with the person who is most risk-averse. For us this is my mum, who isn’t comfortable with seeing us inside so we are going to exchange presents in a park (we actually already have the presents but we’ll open them in front of each other in a park). You’ve said what you’re comfortable with and she now has to choose

Agree - nobody really knows what is happening at the moment and I think it’s unfair to force somebody to do something they feel is unsafe for the sake of a haircut.
INeedNewShoes · 22/12/2020 09:25

YANBU OP but I wonder whether you could have approached the issue with her in a slightly more gentle way.

DD and I have isolated so that we can see my parents without posing a risk to them. Like you, I am going to enjoy a week knowing that we're highly unlikely to have been exposed to Covid so I understand where you're coming from. I also think that a trip to the hairdresser's just isn't worth the risk. I have friends in their 30/40s who haven't had a haircut all year!

When we made the plans we had a call specifically to talk about what our expectations were for how thoroughly we would isolate. Following that, DM came to her own conclusion that she would cancel a non-essential appointment which was preferable to me saying 'you can't do that!'

movingonup20 · 22/12/2020 09:49

@GADDay

Prozac is prescribed for anxiety, ocd etc so not too far from the truth. My ex is on it - I wouldn't describe him as mentally ill, he's just overly anxious.

XiCi · 22/12/2020 10:01

So I’ve said if she goes to the hairdresser she needs to isolate away from us and not risk our Christmas bubble
Absolutely fucking awful behaviour. So she's in your bubble , never goes out, and it's ok for her to be at risk from you usually going to work and your kids from school but when she wants to make 1 visit to the hairdresser you ban her from joining you at Xmas?. I think you should be ashamed of yourself. Feel so sorry for your mum, I think I'd tell you to fuck off actually.

Mischance · 22/12/2020 10:11

she's in her late 70s and presumably has had a good innings?

I wonder if you will regard it as a good innings when you get to that age?

Glitterinthegrey · 22/12/2020 10:13

I've not seen anywhere on this thread that you or your household are ECV, op? I apologise if I've missed it. But on that basis, it's actually your mother who is at greatest risk here?

I get why you are being cautious, of course, but I think you are taking this too far. Let her come for Christmas. Take a few extra precautions, open a window, wrap up warm, sanitise hands etc. And have a lovely day.

merrymouse · 22/12/2020 10:16

I have friends in their 30/40s who haven't had a haircut all year!

To be completely fair, hair is not equal. The younger you are the more confident you will be that you can just let your hair grow and style it at home.

Having said that I still think it’s silly to get your hair done to see close family who are feeling anxious about transmission.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/12/2020 10:16

The chance of her getting infected at the hairdressers is very very small and strongly mitigated against.

Your children, in school daily, is much much larger, and is not.

I hear you in that you are saying you want a break from the mental stress. I get it, I totally do. I think what you are really saying is that you are at the end of your tether.

And she is not choosing a stupid haircut over her family. That is verging on melodrama.

Mischance · 22/12/2020 10:17

I live alone and am in a support bubble with my DD and family. I have not really availed myself of this much as mostly we meet out on walks or in garden; but during the summer I did spend 3 nights there as I was very depressed (recently widowed) and I judged the risk to my mental well-being to be greater than the physical - schools were not open at that point.

I am invited there for Christmas, but have decided to be at home by myself - a garden visit to exchange presents and acquire a lovely lunch to take home and eat; and lots of zooming. The vaccine is around the corner and it seems crazy to drop my guard now. And the children have been out and about gathering bugs all term.

To the OP - I think your mother is more in danger from all of you than you are from her, so I would be inclined to agree to her joining you for Christmas. Personally I would not go to a hairdressers, as that slightly increases her risk.

TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 10:21

I wonder if you will regard it as a good innings when you get to that age?

I’m not sure that’s the point. Will she want to make her own decisions around risks/benefits at that age? I expect so.