Access to children when 'co-parented'

[ApricotVert]

My husband's daughter lives with her Mum. Despite the fact that children can move between houses, he chose not to take the risk and she stayed with her Mum throughout lockdown. He is in a high risk job and sure enough we both got Covid, and were floored by it for weeks, so his decision was justified. He's made the same decision during this lockdown but now not even his phonecalls to his daughter, she's 10 so via her Mum, get answered as her Mum disagrees with his decision (usually she will do anything to stop him seeing his daughter) She bubbled with her Mum for childcare and they are going round multiple people's houses during lockdown. We do not mix with anyone and have no desire to make a chain of however many houses mixing. Has anyone got any advice of what he can do to keep a relationship with his daughter?

I think he needs to see her and she needs to be his priority.

If she'd been coming round our house when we had it and took it home to her Mum and clinically vulnerable Nan I'm sure that would have gone down a storm!!

What’s his excuse for not seeing her this lockdown if you’ve both had it already?

The phone calls while he's not seeing her at all could be quite distressing after all this time. Why can't he go see her and maintain social distancing, at 10 she is probably old enough to understand.

By "excuse" I assume you mean "reasons for his decision"? He has fought for years to see his daughter and hates not seeing her.

He is in constant contact with patients and there is no conclusive evidence to say what impact having had Covid has on your chances of getting it again or being a carrier of it.

He saw her socially distanced a couple of times during the last lockdown but in her Mum's garden. During the summer when lockdown was relaxed he saw her quite a lot, it was much easier then as the weather was good and she did stay over before the latest lockdown came in. If he goes and sees her after school now it's going to be dark which makes seeing each other outdoors far more difficult and far more weather dependant.

He is in constant contact with patients and there is no conclusive evidence to say what impact having had Covid has on your chances of getting it again or being a carrier of it.

Tens of thousands of other parents are also in a huge amount of contact with patients and still maintain their parental role and responsibilities. It is an excuse. His daughter is old enough to know it’s an excuse.

Her Mum could have chosen to have a discussion with him about being a bubble, but instead chose to bubble with her clinically vulnerable Mum. That's fine, I get that, but it puts him in a horrible position.

I posted on here looking for advice about how a Dad can try to maintain his relationship with his daughter - not for a slating about him trying to keep everyone safe. If you've got an ex who doesn't give a damn about your kids then I'm sorry about that, but this is a Dad who is desperate for a relationship with his daughter.

He needs to see his daughter like the millions of other separated parents that have just had to get on with it. It's not ideal no but neither is losing a relationship with his 10 year old.

During the summer when lockdown was relaxed he saw her quite a lot, it was much easier then as the weather was good and she did stay over before the latest lockdown came in. If he goes and sees her after school now it's going to be dark which makes seeing each other outdoors far more difficult and far more weather dependant.

I don’t get the difference, he saw her once restrictions eased but covid was still around then, And assuming his job didn’t change and now it’s lockdown he won’t see her .

Must be very confusing for the daughter.

I think you're DH is being unfairly treated on here, OP. There have been quite a lot of personal stories published in the media about parents moving out of their home and away from their children because they work on COVID wards I recall the response to those being sympathetic, not accusing them of not wanting to see their kids.
I personally know of two people who did this.

I’m a single parent I couldn’t just sack off being one so I could work as a nurse and do my job. Yes you need to be that bit more careful and if I thought I’d caught it I would isolate and they’d need to stay with their dad, not getting why if you’ve both had it she can’t come now? Many many of my colleagues have still worked and seen their kids if you had your own child or she was your joint kid you couldn’t just magic them off to another home,

I work in frontline healthcare. My ex is furloughed. He said at the start of the last lockdown he wasn't seeing the children until the pandemic was over. He was told in no uncertain terms he continued contact throughout or he wouldn't be picking it up at his choosing months later (I think it was fairly obvious even in the spring this shit was going to go on for a long time).
I have a childcare bubble with my parents and a support bubble with another single parent family (children are in the same class at school).
They see their Dad as well (now I've given him zero wriggle room). I don't see how your husbands situation is anymore special than the rest of us dealing at close quarters with patients every day.
I wear my PPE, I am fastidious with hand washing and I am sensible when I'm shopping etc.
He needs to see his daughter regularly, he needs regular phone contact and the adults ie her mum and clinically vulnerable grandparent need to take appropriate precautions.
The daughters emotional well being shouldn't be the casualty of adults not putting her needs first.

He saw her outside all summer, they went for walks, sat outside and did drawing, went birdwatching and she didn't stay over. Lockdown has come in because the rates are so much higher now, when she did stay over the rates were much, much lower.

He has explained to her about why they were staying outside and why the risk is much higher now but I know it must be unsettling for her...that's why I came on here to ask for advice...I don't know if she gets told that he tries to phone her or not.

@bringbackCabanas

I think you're DH is being unfairly treated on here, OP. There have been quite a lot of personal stories published in the media about parents moving out of their home and away from their children because they work on COVID wards I recall the response to those being sympathetic, not accusing them of not wanting to see their kids. I personally know of two people who did this.

They aren’t doing it in this lockdown though. We know a lot more about covid, we have better PPE and experience of what we are dealing with.

Why doesn’t he set up a regular fixed date and time that he Facetimes eg every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm (obviously fit around his work) and sticks to those no matter what. But seriously, he can’t just keep not seeing her because of his job.

@frontlegsofacow

I work in frontline healthcare. My ex is furloughed. He said at the start of the last lockdown he wasn't seeing the children until the pandemic was over. He was told in no uncertain terms he continued contact throughout or he wouldn't be picking it up at his choosing months later (I think it was fairly obvious even in the spring this shit was going to go on for a long time). I have a childcare bubble with my parents and a support bubble with another single parent family (children are in the same class at school). They see their Dad as well (now I've given him zero wriggle room). I don't see how your husbands situation is anymore special than the rest of us dealing at close quarters with patients every day. I wear my PPE, I am fastidious with hand washing and I am sensible when I'm shopping etc. He needs to see his daughter regularly, he needs regular phone contact and the adults ie her mum and clinically vulnerable grandparent need to take appropriate precautions. The daughters emotional well being shouldn't be the casualty of adults not putting her needs first.

I do get your point but if she had been coming round our house during the first lockdown and took it home to her clinically vulnerable Nan, I can guarantee he would not have been allowed to see his daughter ever again.

Fo they have a legal agreement? If not and the mother is blocking him he needs to get one.

@Crappyfridays7

I’m a single parent I couldn’t just sack off being one so I could work as a nurse and do my job. Yes you need to be that bit more careful and if I thought I’d caught it I would isolate and they’d need to stay with their dad, not getting why if you’ve both had it she can’t come now? Many many of my colleagues have still worked and seen their kids if you had your own child or she was your joint kid you couldn’t just magic them off to another home,

No but we certainly wouldn't be mixing with someone who is clinically vulnerable.

I think people are harsh and I think your DH is being very sensible. It,s about thinking about family and people at work. Perhaps write if you get no response via phone, alos text, can you do a zoom meeting.

What does your OH do for a job? In my line of work in the height of the first pandemic my ward became a Covid ward and I am no longer together with DS dad. I would of been really annoyed if he was to decline to have him whilst I went to work. There’s risks everywhere.

@TheStripes

Why doesn’t he set up a regular fixed date and time that he Facetimes eg every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm (obviously fit around his work) and sticks to those no matter what. But seriously, he can’t just keep not seeing her because of his job.

He has set times to call, but the phone doesn't get answered. He said he could walk her home from school one day but that offer hasn't been taken up.

@ApricotVert

Her Mum could have chosen to have a discussion with him about being a bubble, but instead chose to bubble with her clinically vulnerable Mum. That's fine, I get that, but it puts him in a horrible position.

I posted on here looking for advice about how a Dad can try to maintain his relationship with his daughter - not for a slating about him trying to keep everyone safe. If you've got an ex who doesn't give a damn about your kids then I'm sorry about that, but this is a Dad who is desperate for a relationship with his daughter.

Her mum can have a support bubble with her own mum AND your partner can see his daughter. In England anyway. It's specified in the guidance I think. So she doesn't have a support bubble "instead". She could have both.

He needs to see his daughter.

@ApricotVert that would suggest that husband was the only possible source of an infection to the clinically vulnerable nan. If she's that much at risk the mum is being careless forming a support bubble with her when COVID could be brought into that bubble from a multitude of sources by mum and daughter including the supermarket, school and any other place they visit.
It sound like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. The mum is not being reasonable but your husband isn't seeing the bigger picture and should be ensuring he sees his daughter and dismisses the theoretical risk the mum wants to attribute to him