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Original poster

Access to children when 'co-parented'

139 replies

ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 17:25

My husband's daughter lives with her Mum. Despite the fact that children can move between houses, he chose not to take the risk and she stayed with her Mum throughout lockdown. He is in a high risk job and sure enough we both got Covid, and were floored by it for weeks, so his decision was justified. He's made the same decision during this lockdown but now not even his phonecalls to his daughter, she's 10 so via her Mum, get answered as her Mum disagrees with his decision (usually she will do anything to stop him seeing his daughter) She bubbled with her Mum for childcare and they are going round multiple people's houses during lockdown. We do not mix with anyone and have no desire to make a chain of however many houses mixing. Has anyone got any advice of what he can do to keep a relationship with his daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:20

@bringbackCabanas I know, yet a Dad who has never shirked his responsibilities gets slated for doing the same thing!

OP posts:
Sleazeyjet · 19/11/2020 18:22

Well, he has shirked, because he hasn’t seen his daughter. When he could have.

PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 18:25

Massively shirked. Sorry. If I was his 10yo dd I'd feel as if he couldn't be arsed.

I'm not a covidiot by any stretch and most of my family are HCPs. Not one of them has had a weeks long break from parenting. Not one.

RosesandPumpkins · 19/11/2020 18:26

The guidance says separated parents can still see their kids because kids need to see their separated parents. I can’t imagine not seeing my kids for such a long time.
There’s protecting them but then there’s over protecting them. He needs to see his kid.

LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 18:32

Another one of these. My parents divorced when I was young and if my DF had decided not to see me during the pandemic, for any reason, I'd have been devastated. Ridiculous. How it's it different to him living with her? Even the government knows how important it is for children to see both parents, especially at these scary times.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:34

@RosesandPumpkins He's missing out on 1 evening and 1 weekend day during this lockdown due to his work shifts (and her Mum's 'no swapping' rule). I think it would be very different if she was used to seeing him a lot, but she's quite used to a couple of weeks of not seeing him.

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PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 18:35

[quote ApricotVert]@RosesandPumpkins He's missing out on 1 evening and 1 weekend day during this lockdown due to his work shifts (and her Mum's 'no swapping' rule). I think it would be very different if she was used to seeing him a lot, but she's quite used to a couple of weeks of not seeing him.[/quote]
So he barely saw her anyway, because he couldn't commit to set days and now he doesn't see her at all...and you think this makes him sound BETTER? Sweet jesus. Please don't have kids with this prince charming.

LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 18:38

Yup, just got worse.

AnneElliott · 19/11/2020 18:39

I don't think the dad has done enough actually. I have lots of single parent friends where the dad has used the pandemic to sack off their parenting responsibilities- so that might be clouding my view.

But he was still allowed to see her, she could have caught the virus from school and he really hadn't acted like a parent has he?

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:42

@LaceyBetty if she lived with him then we wouldn't be non-socially distanced mixing with someone who's clinically vulnerable. Her Mum is clearly happy to take that risk, my husband isn't. He has talked to his daughter about the risk of his work and her Nan so she has had the reason explained to her from him.

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LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 18:42

I will freely admit that I'm coming at this with some baggage from my childhood but I haven seen any mothers saying they can't or won't see their kids because of Covid.

refusetobeasheep · 19/11/2020 18:43

I do agree that he needs to have her to stay regardless, or he may lose the opportunity. Parental alienation beckons, he now needs to prioritise her. And if there were issues before on how much he could see her, then he needs to start court proceeding now. In a few years time if the daughter decides she does not want to see him, that's it. He has a short window in which to get regular contact going and ensure he builds a relationship with her.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:44

@PabloHoneyBee Yes there are set days, agreed 6 years ago in court. He also has a work rota which he has zero control over. If the 2 clash then he can't see her as her Mum won't swap any days.

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Hayeahnobut · 19/11/2020 18:47

A court will take into account when someone works shifts and build that into the order. He's had six years to get the order varied. Just another excuse?

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:51

@Hayeahnobut Unfortunately not, I've read the court order because I thought that and it is black and white - set days of the week. Here's a question though - is there any way to get a court order varied without spending thousands (As clearly a court order for a 4year old starts to be unsuitable when she's 10..)

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trappedsincesundaymorn · 19/11/2020 18:53

Have people missed the bit where the OP mentions her H is in a high risk job and the child has a vulnerable elderly relative? So much for "keeping granny safe", nope let's risk the child catching it from her dad then passing it on. The mother should allow the dad facetime access to his child. You're a step mum OP you won't get any support on here.

PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 18:57

@trappedsincesundaymorn

Have people missed the bit where the OP mentions her H is in a high risk job and the child has a vulnerable elderly relative? So much for "keeping granny safe", nope let's risk the child catching it from her dad then passing it on. The mother should allow the dad facetime access to his child. You're a step mum OP you won't get any support on here.
Don't spout the whole "oh it's cos you're a stepmom" line. That is unfair.

As I've already said, most of my family are HCPs and they have children. They haven't had a little holiday from looking after their own children. I am guessing the 10yo goes to school, or to playgrounds or to the supermarket, as might old nan. Her dad refusing to see her is probably extremely hurtful and potentially damaging. Her nan is not his concern. I simply don't believe he feels so strongly about protecting granny that he can't be a parent.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 18:58

@trappedsincesundaymorn Thank you, I'm getting that impression! I guess there are a lot of ex's out there who move on and can't be bothered. My H is not one of them though, despite it being a constant fight.

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frontlegsofacow · 19/11/2020 18:58

@Hayeahnobut

A court will take into account when someone works shifts and build that into the order. He's had six years to get the order varied. Just another excuse?
Agreed with bells on! I have to wangle my shifts around childcare. I ask my boss for requests and they know that if they put me down when I can't work, well I can't work. So it's not in their best interests. If it really is such a rigid rota (and they are rare in healthcare now except perhaps the ambulance service but they also exercise flexibility in my experience) he needs to go to court for a variation in the order to accommodate the changes needed. The court will look favourably on this. My ex announced with a days notice he couldn't have our children one day as he had an 'important meeting'. He didn't arrange alternative care or change his 'important meeting' and dumped it on me to sort out. I was down to work a 24 hour shift. I sorted childcare for part of the day and changed my on call with my boss. That's what resident parents have to do all the time. Interesting how non resident parents often don't have to be so flexible. He needs to move heaven and earth to see her and get to court for a more sensible order.
TeapotCollection · 19/11/2020 18:58

Yet another stepmum bashing thread

Brunt0n · 19/11/2020 19:00

Does you husband not wear PPE at work?

PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 19:00

@TeapotCollection

Yet another stepmum bashing thread
No, if anything, it's a dad bashing thread (it really isn't - this dad is a specific case). I'm generally supportive of dads and stepmoms. I have no "baggage" in this regard, having never divorced and not having divorced parents. Objectively speaking and as someone who knows couples who work on the front line and also have to parent their dcs, this specific case is pretty shitty. Not stepmoms, not dads in general. Just this one. HTH.
frontlegsofacow · 19/11/2020 19:01

@trappedsincesundaymorn

Have people missed the bit where the OP mentions her H is in a high risk job and the child has a vulnerable elderly relative? So much for "keeping granny safe", nope let's risk the child catching it from her dad then passing it on. The mother should allow the dad facetime access to his child. You're a step mum OP you won't get any support on here.
Not missed it at all but unless daughter and mum never leave the house ever there is a risk to the elderly nan regardless. Anyone working face to face with patients is a risk. Working on COVID wards (which isn't what the OP has said) doesn't make you anymore high risk than healthcare staff with patients of unknown COVID status (like me) unless you don't follow the correct procedures. If the dad is in a high risk job he will likely be getting regular testing too.
PicsInRed · 19/11/2020 19:03

he chose not to take the risk

Aww did he, aye 😂

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:04

@PabloHoneyBee you know what, if her Mum wanted him to see her then I'm sure that low risk park visits after school etc on dry days (not necessarily his court-set day) could be arranged. But when he has had the door slammed in his face when he drops his daughter back for 6 years, there's clearly no willingness from her Mum to help in what is a difficult situation. That's why I want peoples ideas of what he can do whilst still trying his best to protect everyone.

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