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Original poster

Access to children when 'co-parented'

139 replies

ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 17:25

My husband's daughter lives with her Mum. Despite the fact that children can move between houses, he chose not to take the risk and she stayed with her Mum throughout lockdown. He is in a high risk job and sure enough we both got Covid, and were floored by it for weeks, so his decision was justified. He's made the same decision during this lockdown but now not even his phonecalls to his daughter, she's 10 so via her Mum, get answered as her Mum disagrees with his decision (usually she will do anything to stop him seeing his daughter) She bubbled with her Mum for childcare and they are going round multiple people's houses during lockdown. We do not mix with anyone and have no desire to make a chain of however many houses mixing. Has anyone got any advice of what he can do to keep a relationship with his daughter?

OP posts:
PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 19:06

[quote ApricotVert]@PabloHoneyBee you know what, if her Mum wanted him to see her then I'm sure that low risk park visits after school etc on dry days (not necessarily his court-set day) could be arranged. But when he has had the door slammed in his face when he drops his daughter back for 6 years, there's clearly no willingness from her Mum to help in what is a difficult situation. That's why I want peoples ideas of what he can do whilst still trying his best to protect everyone.[/quote]
So nothing that would involve him actually looking after his child. Just little fun trips out. Have you heard the expression Disney Dad?

LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 19:08

@TeapotCollection

Yet another stepmum bashing thread
How is this bashing the stepmum?
PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 19:09

And btw, in the interest of being supportive of stepmoms, why are you the one sorting this out op? Are you another one of these poor women who gets roped in to sort all the child related stuff because the man can't do it? Even when the child is no relative of yours and is someone you appear to have only seen sporadically? What are you getting out of this set up?

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:09

@frontlegsofacow yep, you guessed who he works for. And when he's not the resident parent, flexibility is very low. Any time when he's due to have her and he can't, his parents have her. So (aside from covid) he doesn't push any childcare back to her Mum.

I am going to look into this variation to a court order though.

OP posts:
VHB88 · 19/11/2020 19:13

My 10 year olds dad also cancelled contact over lockdown, his dad would phone and my son would refuse to speak to him or hardly talk when he did answer. His dad had explained to him that he was worried about giving him covid (10year old asthmatic). Regardless of his dad thinking he was doing the right thing, my son still felt rejected by him x

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:16

@PabloHoneyBee Because I hate seeing my husband torn apart? Every time he tries to talk to his ex, he has the past thrown at him. Every time he calls at the set time and it doesn't get answered it affects him. Every time he takes her back and gets the door slammed in his face or shouted at in front of his daughter its bad for both of them.
I would like him to be able to have a relationship with his daughter that isn't surrounded in hate.

OP posts:
FranklyADick · 19/11/2020 19:18

Does his daughter play any online games? Perhaps Roblox or Minecraft? If so perhaps he could join her in playing & maintain a relationship that way.

TeapotCollection · 19/11/2020 19:18

I’d feel bashed if I was the OP

Not that I’m a stepmum, or a mum

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:19

@VHB88 do you think there's anything his Dad could have done to stop that feeling of rejection? (Apart from going back to normal)

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/11/2020 19:20

I am going to look into this variation to a court order though.

You'd think Dad would do that if he was so concerned. Wouldn't you?

You'd also think he'd do what the majority of Mums do, and ensure his work hours enable regular contact with his child - even if this results in lower pay. Which is what Mums accept in order order to parent their kids. Priorities. Even big important hospital doctor ladies find a way to retain custody of their kids. They make a way.

Take a harder look at him OP. You're bothered, but he's not. He's happy just as things are - and that includes you focusing on the far...rather than the near.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:21

@TeapotCollection I do, but you know what, even if there's only 1 suggestion that comes out of this thread that might help then I'll take it!

OP posts:
frontlegsofacow · 19/11/2020 19:21

[quote ApricotVert]@frontlegsofacow yep, you guessed who he works for. And when he's not the resident parent, flexibility is very low. Any time when he's due to have her and he can't, his parents have her. So (aside from covid) he doesn't push any childcare back to her Mum.

I am going to look into this variation to a court order though.[/quote]
If he's ambulance service the unions are strong there and he could get support from them for more flexibility with his shifts as he still has responsibilities to a child - resident or non resident. That plus a revised court order will sort this out and ensure his daughter isn't lost in parental conflict.
As ambo he is also no more high risk than I am. I look after my children and my parents provide childcare. My mum would almost certainly be very ill if she got COVID due to her BMI. We are careful and if I've been in contact with a knob COVID positive patient I strip off in the porch, quarantine my shoes, immediately wash my clothes and get a shower. It can be done if people want to make it work.

Lazypuppy · 19/11/2020 19:22

OP he made a bad decision. And oy a decision he could make because he doesnt live with his daughter.

How do you think parents have been coping? You can't just opt out of parenting for 6 months.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:25

@PicsInRed

I am going to look into this variation to a court order though.

You'd think Dad would do that if he was so concerned. Wouldn't you?

You'd also think he'd do what the majority of Mums do, and ensure his work hours enable regular contact with his child - even if this results in lower pay. Which is what Mums accept in order order to parent their kids. Priorities. Even big important hospital doctor ladies find a way to retain custody of their kids. They make a way.

Take a harder look at him OP. You're bothered, but he's not. He's happy just as things are - and that includes you focusing on the far...rather than the near.

He had but thought he had to go back to court fully, and given that he's still paying off his debt from going to court to get access the first time he thinks it's something that he can't afford to do again.

Resident parents seem to get a lot more flexibility at work (not just mums as there are single dads too). He could possibly drop hours at work but if they still clashed he'd be in no better position access wise than before!!

OP posts:
OpheliasCrayon · 19/11/2020 19:26

Oh OP how horrible is this thread. People really have been very unkind.

I very often get the feeling on MN like to just jump in and tear people to shreds because they don't agree with something or want to belittle someone or just plain want to have a dig because they can. I think there's a general lack of consideration that there's real people behind every message, with real feekings.

So I'm sorry you've had a battering it feels very unfair to me .

I'm afraid I have no advice I'm afraid. Whilst my parents are very much separated I don't know what would be best in this situation.

Can I ask though - do you know what his daughter' feelings are about this? Aside from her mum, what would she want ?

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 19:26

@TeapotCollection

I’d feel bashed if I was the OP

Not that I’m a stepmum, or a mum

Look at this objectively though. You don't have to be a mom or stepmom to realise how shit this DAD is being. Not the op, who I genuinely feel a bit sorry for. He's got her running around sorting out the parenting he barely does. But if you want to act as if I'm being a big meanie poo who just has it in for the op for whatever reason, (I don't- again it's the DAD I take issue with), then you know, go ahead. But you're mistaken.
OpheliasCrayon · 19/11/2020 19:27

*feelings.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:28

@FranklyADick

Does his daughter play any online games? Perhaps Roblox or Minecraft? If so perhaps he could join her in playing & maintain a relationship that way.
@FranklyADick Thank you that is a good suggestion. I know she has a console of some sort so maybe they could get into a game together. I shall suggest that to him, thanks.
OP posts:
PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 19:29

Good luck op. Genuinely Flowers.

HavelockVetinari · 19/11/2020 19:35

@PicsInRed

he chose not to take the risk

Aww did he, aye 😂

This!

He sounds like he's good at talking the talk "oh I miss her so much, I love spending every second i can with her!" yet he barely sees her anyway and, amazingly, in 6 years hasn't gone back to court to get a variation order due to shift work?

His mouth is writing cheques his actions aren't cashing.

Metallicalover · 19/11/2020 19:38

He needs to see his daughter to keep the relationship going. Me and my husband both frontline NHS staff, we wear PPE getting tested weekly (soon to be 3-4 times weekly for covid). For childcare 1-2 days per week our daughter is looked after by grandparents.
My dad also cares for my grandparents. In and outside of work we do our best to have low contact with people. I don't know any of my colleagues that gave up their rights as a parent just because they are nurses.

I'm assuming the 10 year old is at school, the mother goes out (to the shops/work etc). These are other risks for her grandmother.
There is no excuse for him not seeing his daughter.
I don't agree this is a step mam bashing thread. I just don't agree that by what your saying that your husband is doing everything he can to see his child.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 19/11/2020 19:39

Your husband is good at making excuses and not much else!
Not your job to find a solution for him, please tell us all what makes your husband different to any other parent out there?

bathsh3ba · 19/11/2020 19:41

Taking the ex out of the equation, and ignoring whether or not your husband made the right choice, at the moment your stepdaughter is almost certainly feeling rejected. Her dad explaining to her why will sound like sermonising and excuses. She is 10 and she doesn't see things like an adult does.

If on top of that her mum is being negative about her dad, that will make reaching her that much harder.

My daughters' dad has never been bothered about seeing them much and they are now very negative about him, but recently things have started to improve.

What they wanted and needed at an earlier stage was to know their dad cared. Kids don't have the same love language as adults. For kids, time and attention is how you show love. If phone isn't working, try other ways to share time.

Watch a favourite film together at the same time over WhatsApp or Facetime or Skype.

Play an online game together.

Just turn up at the door to drop off a gift - 'I saw these and thought of you'.

What changed for my daughters was he started baking for them and dropping things off.

But he definitely shouldn't try to justify his reasons to her and I think he should reconsider the no proper contact.

Original poster
ApricotVert · 19/11/2020 19:41

@OpheliasCrayon I genuinely don't know, she's a very closed book. She tends to give the answer she thinks you want to hear. So after the first lockdown her Mum said she didn't want to stay at ours, when my H asked her she said she did want to. Maybe because she's been stuck in the middle of such a horrible situation for so long, she's a bright cookie!

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 19:43

I'm not wanting to bash the OP. She sounds like someone who cares about her DH and her DSS. But, I stand by my view that the best thing he can do to protect the relationship is to move heaven and earth to see her. If that means going back to court, that's what he should do. It is so hard with the mum being uncooperative but, one day, his daughter will know what he did for her.