Access to children when 'co-parented'

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My husband's daughter lives with her Mum. Despite the fact that children can move between houses, he chose not to take the risk and she stayed with her Mum throughout lockdown. He is in a high risk job and sure enough we both got Covid, and were floored by it for weeks, so his decision was justified. He's made the same decision during this lockdown but now not even his phonecalls to his daughter, she's 10 so via her Mum, get answered as her Mum disagrees with his decision (usually she will do anything to stop him seeing his daughter) She bubbled with her Mum for childcare and they are going round multiple people's houses during lockdown. We do not mix with anyone and have no desire to make a chain of however many houses mixing. Has anyone got any advice of what he can do to keep a relationship with his daughter?

I'm a step parent and my DH and I are also both emergency services frontline workers who have worked through the whole of the pandemic so far. My DH has children who stay twice a week and it would never have occurred to either of us to decide the children couldn't come anymore because of the virus. The only exception being if anyone had symptoms or a positive test etc. Let's face it OP your DH has used it as an excuse and it's backfired and affected his DD in the process. It's all well and good saying you only posted for advice on how to keep the relationship going other than by going back to normal. But the honest answer is things need to go back to normal and he needs to step up for his daughter.

@bathsh3ba thanks, that's really helpful. All of it.

He was really ill with Covid which definitely has a bearing on his decision to not want to pass it on by hugging and kissing people.

They started FaceTiming and playing Fortnite together which helped a bit. Although I didn’t agree with his lack of physical contact, I did confirm to my son that his dad was worried about him and he meant well.
A bit of a difference to your husband though as his dad was working from home and lives alone, so the risk was minimal (apart from fortnightly contact with another one of his children). His dad continued contact with his other son throughout lockdown which didn’t help.

@seashellseashell123 it didn't backfire though did it. Because his daughter had been due to be with us the weekend before we came down with it. So there's a high chance she would have taken it home to her Mum and Nan.

I and he know full well it's affected their relationship, that's why I'm asking for suggestions.

So why isn't he willing to resume the normal contact schedule then?

If I was barely able to see my child due to a combination of shift work and a court order, I would do everything in my power to change that. Everything. I wouldn't be able to think about anything else, such would be my need to be with my baby. But in 6 years, it hasn't occurred to your husband to either challenge the court order or to get a job that allows him to see his child on the allocated days?
People aren't "stepmum bashing" or "dad bashing". We're saying that it really doesn't sound very much like this particular dad is very interested in being a parent. He seems to want just the nice bits (trips to the park etc) on his terms and expects his ex to pick up the slack whenever he decides to opt out for months on end. I'm really not surprised that she isn't falling over herself trying to jump to whenever your husband clicks his fingers because he's decided it would be convenient for him to see his child on a day that's not his contact day. From her POV he's just a Disney Dad.

I can’t quite fathom the bit where bad weather automatically means no outside activities and lessened contact. We’ve just come through a fairly wild n woolly Covid winter where I live (admittedly no snow), and everyone was outside most of the time, rain or shine.

I think it shows a lack of imagination. And grit.

I second the pp who suggested playing video games with the daughter (if she’ll let you!). And setting up at least 2 fixed video call appointments a week with the mum, or directly with the kid. At 10 herself, my DD has access to devices she can use, and the ability to fix her own appointments for sure. Her dad works away and also bought her a Spacetalk- a sort of cheaper watch phone thingo designed for kids that allows texts and calls to limited contacts (with settable restrictions for school hours, etc). It allows them to send little snippets about their days, which is an important thread of contact between them. Probably more important at that age than formal long catch-ups.

I think that with a little more care, your DH could use what parenting experience he has to find ways to make meaningful contact. What you’re seeing on this thread, OP, is reactions from parents who know with 100% certainty that they themselves would find ways to see their children under the same circumstances. The horror of the alternative would be very very motivating.

@IWantT0BreakFree he changed jobs a couple of years ago which turned out to be worse compared to the access schedule.
What else can he do after school but go to the park? He isn't ever scheduled to have her for long enough to bring her home. That's the court and mum's failing I'm afraid. If you want a dad to be a dad you have to give them the chance to be.
And during lockdown her Mum was furloughed whilst he was working full time so that's not a fair comment.

I feel sorry you are in a position where I can see both sides. Maintaining contact is important such as a regular phone call once a week. Even st her age of course everything should be monitored and arranged by her mum and dad. Maybe she could stay just one weekend per month instead of two just cut things down as he is a frontline worker so its sensible.

I’m shocked he has gone so long without seeing her, I agree with her mother. Unless his daughter is shielding and at risk if she gets covid then he should have continued seeing her. The fact you have both had covid just makes it less likely that you will get it again and pass it on to her, even if you did his daughter is very unlikely to become really unwell with it.

My dc have continued contact with their father during both lockdowns.

@Girlzroolz he would stand in the rain for hours with her but she wouldn't, and her mum would say no. She also doesn't have independent access to a phone so everything still goes through her mum, who chooses to ignore calls or requests for calls. When her Mum would be glad if my H fell off the planet and never saw them again it's very difficult.

@Lovemusic33 he has seen her, during the summer and up until this latest lockdown. If you read up it's about her mixing with her clinically vulnerable Nan. There is no evidence to say that just because you've had covid you can't be a carrier.

Why ever is your husband trying to manage his ex mother in law’s risk? It’s not up to him. He just needs to see his daughter. If his ex and her vulnerable mum choose to bubble nevertheless - knowing the risk - that’s up to them. Their choice! (And perfectly legal.) He should just say: I need to see my daughter, and I think if you choose to bubble with a vulnerable person that’s a risk. Then leave it to them.

Honestly, this little girl will just see this as rejection. If he wants a relationship with her he needs to be seeing her regularly, having her over to stay, etc. Not just occasionally meeting her outdoors.

And mum not wanting to swap is not unreasonable!

You’ve said he genuinely wants to see his daughter. This behaviour seems very odd if so. Is he maybe someone who feels he has to ‘manage’ other adults? Stop them making their own decisions if he disagrees with them?

@LaValliere because being round vulnerable people (and forming a link to them) is irresponsible. His ex might be happy to do that but he's not, whoever the person happens to be. It's called morals.
And his ex doing everything she can to make his relationship with his daughter difficult is unfair on the daughter. Because of his shifts which he can't change, he has her to stay once a month. The rest is after school and he usually ends up being a MacDonald's dad or taking her to the park as the period of time isn't long enough to bring her home. He could be unemployed with no shift clashes and that would still be the only option, just more regularly.

It doesn't sound like her needs are put first. I agree with pp that his responsibility is to his daughter, not his ex MIL. The contact you have with your child is non negotiable, full stop, no matter what job you do. Other folk in other bubbles are his ex's responsibility. It's an excuse and people here can see through it.

I'm presuming his ex is single or she wouldn't have a bubble. I think you are both being sensible. I know people who arent together and for different reasons the children did not see the other parent due to it not being necessary during a deadly time therefore facetime etc.

Because of his shifts which he can't change, he has her to stay once a month.

This is always the bit I don't get, the shifts which just can't be changed, and the contact that just can't possibly be any more.

@Timeforredwine funnily enough the vulnerable Nan told him she thought he was doing the right thing. There are relationships all over that will suffer, some children are closer to grandma than dad for example and won't be seeing them. Just have to find the best ways in the circumstances

Why is it you asking?

The shifts are a set pattern for the team so there is no moving of them. His profession will always involve shifts. Even with a set pattern his ex wont move from the days set in the court order to allow him to see his daughter. What's he meant to do?

@TwylaSands because after 6 years of pure hatred towards him from his ex, and now this situation, i would like to give him some ideas that might help him and his daughter.

Whats the cause of the pure hatred?

There are two parent families working shifts and they find a way.

it's about her mixing with her clinically vulnerable Nan

Honestly if I hear about 'clinically vulnerable Nan' again ... 🙄

PPs have explained why this isn't a runner. 'Nan' is exposed to risks from other environments & the other interactions her daughter & grand-daughter have.

Your DP could see his DD. He takes precautions, as does DD & Nan will be safe - as much as it's possible to be.

My children's father did this too. His contact is minimal anyway but he went weeks without seeing them in lockdown & the excuses sound very similar.

OP, stop going on about how great a dad he is because he hangs out in a park with her. We'd all love that version of parenting 🥺

The excuses you've come up with. God.

OP, the bottom line is he is using COVID as an excuse, for whatever reason.

I'm a hospital doctor, I haven't stopped seeing my family. There's a high chance I could pass it on to my children, who would then take it into school and pass it on, but what can I do? I certainly wouldn't consider not seeing my children to be a solution.

Look at his actions. Is your husband consistent in his approach to risk? If he's that concerned he would be going to work and coming home and doing absolutely nothing else, so to avoid the risk of spreading the virus. Not going out, going to the shops, getting petrol, using public transport, nothing.

Or is it just seeing his daughter that has him so concerned?