Access to children when 'co-parented'

[ApricotVert]

My husband's daughter lives with her Mum. Despite the fact that children can move between houses, he chose not to take the risk and she stayed with her Mum throughout lockdown. He is in a high risk job and sure enough we both got Covid, and were floored by it for weeks, so his decision was justified. He's made the same decision during this lockdown but now not even his phonecalls to his daughter, she's 10 so via her Mum, get answered as her Mum disagrees with his decision (usually she will do anything to stop him seeing his daughter) She bubbled with her Mum for childcare and they are going round multiple people's houses during lockdown. We do not mix with anyone and have no desire to make a chain of however many houses mixing. Has anyone got any advice of what he can do to keep a relationship with his daughter?

@LaceyBetty yes of course, but I guess there's a relationship between the 2 adults and conversation!

@ApricotVert

The shifts are a set pattern for the team so there is no moving of them. His profession will always involve shifts. Even with a set pattern his ex wont move from the days set in the court order to allow him to see his daughter. What's he meant to do?

Go back to court/mediation to renegotiate a more workable solution

Sorry but I think he’s being ridiculous, particularly since you’ve already had it. The parent child relationship needs to come first here, the mum and grandma need to accept that and make their own decisions based on their perceived risk. As a pp said it is not up to your dh to manage that situation, his priority should be seeing his daughter.

@justchecking1 yes pretty much. 2m outside from everyone. He (we) do the necesities like food shopping but apart from a hug with my parents after 6 months apart that's been it. He was genuinely scared by having it and I suppose that because he doesn't have to have her over, he sees that he doesn't have to take the risk of mixing with people and potentially passing it on. I feel sorry for him, he wants to see her outdoors rather than having her over but as her mum isn't cooperative he ends up not seeing her at all.

Why hasn’t he sought to vary the court order? He can self rep.

Sorry but she's his child. Actually yes he does HAVE to have her. I can't believe you can't see this?!

@Sleazeyjet yeh we're going to look into this. He thought he would have to pay thousands like last time to go back to court again so it wasn't an option. I wasn't on the scene back then so don't know much about it but from what people have said on here today it looks like there are options.

@seashellseashell123 he needs to have contact with her, I agree. They could phone, text, video call, play games, go for walks - all things he wants to do with her. But I'm guessing you haven't had bad covid, seen people dying of covid? Because if you had you wouldn't be wanting to pass it on to anyone at all if you could help it.

My children's father did this too. His contact is minimal anyway but he went weeks without seeing them in lockdown & the excuses sound very similar.

Same here. Its caused further irreparable damage to their already shaky relationship. Their Dad has used every excuse under the sun for why he can't see them. As teens, who have seen the news and googled the rules and regs they know he's a lying shit.

Honestly OP he needs to see his DD. I don't see how there can be any other way to let her know how important she is to him.

So many excuses! That poor child, they don't deserve such a selfish father and step mother! Continue making excuses as being delusional! You are in the wrong and actually seem quite heartless!

Well, you know what thought did.

If he was that bothered he would be driving this process. He’s not. Says it all.

[quote ApricotVert]@seashellseashell123 he needs to have contact with her, I agree. They could phone, text, video call, play games, go for walks - all things he wants to do with her. But I'm guessing you haven't had bad covid, seen people dying of covid? Because if you had you wouldn't be wanting to pass it on to anyone at all if you could help it.[/quote]
As I said previously my DH and I are also emergency services workers and have had plenty of exposure to people dying of Covid unfortunately. At no point did this mean his children should suffer and not be able to see him though. It really is no wonder his ex clearly thinks he's an arse and his daughter doesn't want to know.

Another one here who's 10yo DD saw nothing of her dad during first lockdown because excuse after excuse after excuse. They're not daft at this age, they know when they're not being prioritised. It's future damaged their already flimsy relationship. Half the time when he calls or messages her now she's just not interested. You reap what you sow.

yes pretty much. 2m outside from everyone. He (we) do the necesities like food shopping but apart from a hug with my parents after 6 months apart that's been it. He was genuinely scared by having it and I suppose that because he doesn't have to have her over, he sees that he doesn't have to take the risk of mixing with people and potentially passing it on. I feel sorry for him, he wants to see her outdoors rather than having her over but as her mum isn't cooperative he ends up not seeing her at all.

Then I think if he makes the choice that he doesn't have to see her, then he needs to accept that this absolutely will damage his relationship with her. He cannot have it both ways. There is no strategy that he can adopt that will leave the relationship unscathed if he chooses to avoid seeing her when he didn't have to. She will always know that she takes second place to whatever excuse he uses as his reason not to see her, and she will never quite get over this, even if she understands his reasoning

In a nutshell then, you're asking the impossible. "How can DH avoid seeing his daughter, when it's perfectly legal and acceptable for him to see her, without her thinking he doesn't really want to see her?"

There is no answer

I cannot even imagine what it would have felt like if my dad had only wanted to see me outdoors, in the dark, at a park. Also, do not deem her apparent nonchalant attitude as evidence that she doesn't care. She's probably desperately trying to please everyone. You're not at fault, but think twice about him as a potential father to your children.

After 6 years of total abuse that he puts up with solely because of his daughter he's pretty worn down by it. He has tried to protect people and he has tried to maintain a relationship with his daughter.

You know what, maybe he's made mistakes, but he's always there to pick up her when he says he will be. He goes to the door knowing it will get slammed in his face and he'll get shouted at infront of her. He always phones at his allotted time even though he knows it won't get answered. Week after week. He's a face in the crowd at school assemblies. And I have NEVER heard him bad-mouth his ex infront of his daughter.

So I'm glad you lot are so bloody perfect and have perfect partners or ex's and never need support from anyone else.

How many of us are exposed to Covid and work in that environment daily? If this goes on another year will his plan be to just see his daughter for two years out doors here and there when it's suits him. At the age of ten she will always remember how in the middle of a pandemic what a let down her father and you were and she had to go to different people for childcare as her father didn't want her, disgusting! Let's hope karma doesn't bite you in the arse when you have children!

This thread is hilarious and awful in equal measure.
OP: My DH is refusing to see his child. What can he do to maintain a relationship with her?
Everyone: He should see his child.
OP: Not an option as DH is so 'moral' and amazing he can't possibly actually see his own child, you're all bitter and jealous of my amazing DH.

I think this is one of the most shocking threads I've come across regarding gaining access to a child, when it's the father who is refusing to have the child in the first place 🤷‍♀️

@ApricotVert

After 6 years of total abuse that he puts up with solely because of his daughter he's pretty worn down by it. He has tried to protect people and he has tried to maintain a relationship with his daughter.

You know what, maybe he's made mistakes, but he's always there to pick up her when he says he will be. He goes to the door knowing it will get slammed in his face and he'll get shouted at infront of her. He always phones at his allotted time even though he knows it won't get answered. Week after week. He's a face in the crowd at school assemblies. And I have NEVER heard him bad-mouth his ex infront of his daughter.

So I'm glad you lot are so bloody perfect and have perfect partners or ex's and never need support from anyone else.

In my previous post it was clear my ex is not perfect. He's a total twat. He is furloughed and won't see the children extra, wanted to stop seeing them till the pandemic was over, cancelled seeing them one weekend because he was 'self isolating' when he actually didn't need to, try's to trivialise my work etc etc, I could go on. I don't tolerate any of his excuses and I don't let my children be brought into the adult disputes. I let him FaceTime at a mutually agreeable time, he is not allowed to try any of his nonsense at the door step and he is under no illusion I will take any steps necessary to protect my children from all forms of harm. My children are oblivious. Your H's child isn't. She's displaying confusion, divided loyalties and likely has emotions she can't quite manage to make sense of. So those not running with your narrative don't have blissfully oblivious lives but many of us are working incredibly hard to put our children's overall welfare first despite not because of a non resident parent not up to scratch.

You know what, maybe he's made mistakes, but he's always there to pick up her when he says he will be. He goes to the door knowing it will get slammed in his face and he'll get shouted at infront of her. He always phones at his allotted time even though he knows it won't get answered. Week after week. He's a face in the crowd at school assemblies. And I have NEVER heard him bad-mouth his ex infront of his daughter.

What does he want, a medal? That's what being a parent is.

And trust me I am far from perfect. I've missed assemblies. I've been late picking my dc up and I've vented about what a waste of space their Father is in front of them.
But not once have I ever decided to just stop seeing them for weeks on end. Even when I was suicidal and on my knees with depression I didn't stop seeing them.

@misskick @MeadowHay. Or a dad who wants to be able to see his child safely, talk to his child, video call his child and a mum who won't even talk to him. There is nowhere open to be able to take her after school, she kisses him goodbye then her vulnerable Nan hello at the door, whilst he stands there knowing he's in a high risk job. She doesn't get passed around for childcare, she's with her mum or Nan. And I said to maintain a relationship - clearly it's far from ideal.
But hey, read what you want to read.

You can try and stick up for him all you want OP but I think it would probably be more beneficial for both your DH and his daughter if you opened your eyes to just how much he has got this wrong and tried to help him realise he needs to step up and start having her overnight and seeing her properly rather than trying to find ways to keep the relationship going by FaceTime or whatever other lousy excuses you've come up with. This pandemic could go on for another year and by then your DH is going to have no hope at a relationship with his daughter possibly every again

I think he is over reacting. The chances of him getting it again are super super slim. Of the 750m people worldwide who have had it there are only a handful (if that) who have caught it twice. And even those are not conclusive. Those odds are not worth damaging the relationship with your child over.