I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

I'll put this in very simple terms.

If I was OP, and I got on a bus with 50 people just like her....

1 of them would probably die of Covid within a month.
0 of them would die of heart disease within the next 10 years.

Not comparable.

If they caught covid on the bus, sorry!

Would you get on that bus? And would you be more worried about Covid or heart disease if you did?

Are you anxious about your children missing out on education and being socially deprived and awkward as adults? Assuming that you're planning on letting them out of the house when they are adults, that is.

You need to get it in writing from your head that you will not be prosecuted for non school attendance, and they are happy for you to drop and drop out as you please as a bare minimum. You then need to weigh up how much damage this is going to do to your children. A national lockdown is still possible, and so they could lose a great deal of education in totality - given the lost six months as a starting point already, it may be that they simply slip too far behind over a period of time.

I am not sure what nel is saying really something about the menopause, not really relevant unless highlighting the potential issues op might have with energy levels and patience

OP I would choose to homeschool in your position. You apparently have the knowledge ability and resources to do so plus, which is a big plus in my view, you have two DC to give each other company. Tell them why you make this decision in response to a pandemic and this, in my humble opinion, is an important lesson for life and you will be EDUCATING them. Before you know it it’d be Christmas then reassess. Best of luck. Nowadays it takes more strength to make this choice than sending children to school.

It's perfectly possible to suffer from anxiety and simultaneously to be in a situation where you face an avoidable risk and have to decide what to do. In that situation, automatically ignoring the risk on the basis that anxiety mustn't be given into on principle doesn't make sense. It's really not reasonable to expect someone medically vulnerable to do exposure and response prevention, with a new and poorly understood virus, in the middle of a pandemic.

The line between 'just enough' and 'too many' precautions against covid is naturally going to be in different places for different families with different circumstances and vulnerabilities. Which side of the line school falls will also be different for different children and families and that's OK.

OP, if you're still reading - one thing that you haven't mentioned is the possibility of sending back one child and not the other. True, you wouldn't reduce the risk as much, but you would reduce it a bit. Plenty of families home educate one or more children but not all. So if you feel you really can't just opt for home education for both right now, maybe consider that?

Agree withfriendsoftheearrth. My LA is prosecuting for non-attendance if you haven’t returned since September, and have no medical reason to be away from school. They allowed a gentle return in September but from October onwards it was attendance as normal or get referred for possible prosecution.

@Cam2020

Are you anxious about your children missing out on education and being socially deprived and awkward as adults? Assuming that you're planning on letting them out of the house when they are adults, that is.

I’m going to ask Mumsnet to delete this thread now. To be honest, it has made me cry all afternoon. Yes I am worried about it affecting my children socially hence why I posted on here, to give me a bit of food for thought on both sides of the argument. Surely people can do that and put forward their opinions without being downright unkind. I’ve been called a child abuser and someone who will never let my kids out of the house.

I’ve had 10 miscarriages. That takes a toll and yes I had counselling at the time. Luckily the lady I spoke to then was sympathetic and said that it was normal to feel anxious and to just take one step at a time. It took me 3 years to take my baby off the breathing monitor as I was scared that I would lose another baby. But I did it and things got better.

I’m not super anxious about my children these days. Well, I wasn’t before this. I occasionally have a flash of an anxious thought but I’d learnt how to control it and life was good. But this is a very difficult time for our family and it’s so hard to make the right choice. Of course the children come first but I have to consider everyone.

Mumsnet has been wonderful to me previously in my times of need. When I felt I couldn’t love my baby in case I lost them, when I had PND and trauma after a touch and go birth. Everyone was fantastic. They were supportive but gave me a kick up the backside when I needed it.

I never thought I would get some of the responses I have on this thread. Almost relishing putting the boot in to someone who is suffering. I have had some very dark thoughts today and I don’t want to feel like that again. Some of you should be completely ashamed and I hope that you are bringing up your children to be kinder.

And most of you will be pleased to know that I have decided to send my children to school. I am too worried about being a child abuser now not to. I am just going to hope and cross my fingers that my DH and I are OK. But, it seems that my children already have a crap mum, so losing me wouldn’t be the end of the world after all.

Gently here, I'm the child of a very anxious parent. It's a nightmare for me and for her, still and I am in my 40s. And even worse now she has GCs. For your sake and theirs, please get some support. I don't think you're abusive and it isn't your fault but it does need someone to help you with it. Sending love.

@Nellodee Feel free to demonstrate here. I'm all ears.

@Ijustcantcope I don’t have anxiety & I am anxious about schools. Frankly you sound a strong & loving mother who has dealt with a lot in your life. Trust your instincts. You know what’s right for your family, not some Internet randoms with a poor grasp of statistics & even less of an idea about virology.
It’s a raging pandemic & I suspect a lot of the people giving you a hard time are actually struggling with their own anxieties around what’s happening.
Take care & hold your head up high whatever you decide. You got this

@Pikachubaby

Your anxiety makes sense

There is nothing wrong with you, or with having this worry. It’s normal

Your stress is caused by this set of events, and for feeling helpless

You will have to figure out what’s best for you and your family. I’d send my kids to school, but I’m not you, and yes it feels scary if your health is already compromised or you care for elderly relatives. Bloody tough stuff to decide!

But please don’t believe the problem is with you, the problem is with the situation

This! What you’re feeling makes sense, I would suggest you need to be thinking about how you respond as opposed to treating circumstances and normal reactions. Follow your gut and do what you think is best for your family. You won’t regret doing that. We’ve not gone back, stresses with schools but happy, learning kids. Tricky if you have one that really wants to go. No easy choices / options, take care xx

[quote mac12]@Ijustcantcope I don’t have anxiety & I am anxious about schools. Frankly you sound a strong & loving mother who has dealt with a lot in your life. Trust your instincts. You know what’s right for your family, not some Internet randoms with a poor grasp of statistics & even less of an idea about virology.
It’s a raging pandemic & I suspect a lot of the people giving you a hard time are actually struggling with their own anxieties around what’s happening.
Take care & hold your head up high whatever you decide. You got this [/quote]
Snap here too. I’m lucky not to suffer from anxiety too, I am concerned about the situation we are facing though and am acting on those concerns in a rational way.
There is zoom and FaceTime.
I would do a paper list of pros and cons and then look at what is solvable / what is an acceptable level of risk etc for you.
You have so got this 💐

1. This is by no means uniform across schools, some are quite understanding towards vulnerable families' concerns.

1. You don't need to deregister immediately. There is a process to this and it usually is quite slow, I understand from other parents. Friends' point about clinging on till lockdown is a good one. I

f we can't keep the kids in school, because it has become ridiculously unsafe, we will drag out the absences and avoid deregistering, in the hope that everyone else will at some point also catch on that it's not safe (or the very sad situation that all the teachers get ill and the school can't cope, which the school was envisaging in August before going back).

Personally, I would be ok with getting fined, if it means we avoid getting the infection,

1. As of mid October, fines were not routinely being issued, in fact according to the supportive people at BRTUS they didn't know of any cases where parents had actually been fined (& they were actively looking for people in that situation to help them).

1. Going to court is a late stage in all of this. However, it's important to remember that the set up was not put in place with conscientious, clinically vulnerable parents wanting to avoid unsafe schools in a pandemic in mind.

If your kids have been in school up to now, there are likely to be a human rights test case or test cases going through long before it would impinge upon you. I suspect they'd have a good chance of winning.

1. Before half term between only 86 and 89% kids were in school. This is only going to increase. It gets to the point where action against parents would be impractical, by sheer force of numbers.

Do PM me anyone who wants to discuss further.

Personally we have been sending the kids to school despite being CEV (and despite the kids hitting all their targets and more etc in lock down). Our area till now has had low prevalence and the kids loved seeing their mates again.

I think we may be looking at a very extended Xmas break one way or another.

Sorry, that was in response to Friends. I;m really sorry that @Ijustcantcope you have felt so upset. I had the impression you were finding the to and fro of the discussion difficult. I did n't want to PM you in case that was in itself upsetting but I'm very happy to discuss further on a number of counts if you would like.

Take care, please don't feel bad about yourself and remember, you can always change your mind and also there is support. I'm just sorry that mumsnet is not very supportive about this right now, people have their own issues, clearly.

Stay strong xxx

Ok, I suggest you take a moment here.

You are informed-no vaccine yet, children’s cases are not as critical-we still don’t know everything about the virus.

I understand the anxiety but this is your problem and not your children’s, I suggest you make a massive attempt to take them to school, I understand you would struggle with that, but try your absolute to push through, you can’t hinder children because of your poor health.

Horrible situation with you not being able to get propeller help, it’s all a sorry state of affairs really-I think a hour at a time is best for you at the moment instead of day by day.

If you don’t send your kids they will miss out on more than just learning, your going to have to take one for the team and suck it up.

I couldn’t imagine what it’s like to have a child who has had medical problems but I feel sorry for you, not in a patronising way, it must be hard and I think parents with kids like that are so much more stronger than they imagine, as it must take a lot to carry on day by day with poorly children.

I haven't caught up with the whole thread yet but am so sorry it has gone like that OP, I think your fears are totally understandable. You sound like a lovely mum and I don't think being off school for a bit will do the dc any harm. They are still learning well and still have each other and their family for company, it's a short time really. Hope you are ok OP xx

@Brightdays2020

OP I would choose to homeschool in your position. You apparently have the knowledge ability and resources to do so plus, which is a big plus in my view, you have two DC to give each other company. Tell them why you make this decision in response to a pandemic and this, in my humble opinion, is an important lesson for life and you will be EDUCATING them. Before you know it it’d be Christmas then reassess. Best of luck. Nowadays it takes more strength to make this choice than sending children to school.

❤️

@Inkpaperstars

I haven't caught up with the whole thread yet but am so sorry it has gone like that OP, I think your fears are totally understandable. You sound like a lovely mum and I don't think being off school for a bit will do the dc any harm. They are still learning well and still have each other and their family for company, it's a short time really. Hope you are ok OP xx

Beautifully said.

@SheilaHammond

Agree withfriendsoftheearrth. My LA is prosecuting for non-attendance if you haven’t returned since September, and have no medical reason to be away from school. They allowed a gentle return in September but from October onwards it was attendance as normal or get referred for possible prosecution.

Really? My LA have gone very quiet. I suspect they find the fines as repugnant as a lot of us - if there’s no risk and we are all going to realise how safe schools are why the need??

I’m hoping common sense will prevail in the parliamentary debate on November 2nd.

Either way I’m not sending, I know what’s in my children’s best interests. I will fight it all for that reason alone. It’s a pandemic, this is avoidable harm. No brainier.

And I mean it’s a no brained for me - COMPLETELY get everyone is difficult. We all need to make the best choices for our families and should expect support either way.

Oh OP, you sound very much in the trenches.

I hope you find a brighter way out of this.

OP, you don't deserve the bashing you've been given here. Your fears are well founded - case numbers are rising and we are in for a tough winter. You sound like you are well placed to home educate your children and your fears for your own health and the health of your parents are totally understandable.

Many sources are indicating that a vaccine will roll out by the end of the year for the elderly/most vulnerable, with gradual roll out to the rest of the population in the spring. That is a reason to hope that by next summer things might look very different. From what you posted, there are many plus sides to home schooling your children for the next few months - your health will be better, you and your parents will be less at risk of your children carrying the virus home to them, they can hug their grandchildren, and you are a teacher and have previously improved your children's grades by home schooling. Against all this there is just one disadvantage - one of your children would be unhappy about missing out on the social aspects of school life. However, he could miss out on a lot more, if his mother or one of his grandparents dies. So, are his preferences strong enough to outweigh the pluses for the rest of the family, considering that by spring the vaccine may be available and he could return to school? I think not - his preferences don't outweigh everyone else's needs/health issues. Your DC will adapt, it's not forever. Speak to them.