I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

[3littlewords]

Only advice I would give is to delay de registering as long as possible to keep their places, 2 dc in my youngest class (y1) have been deregistered and both them places have been filled already with other pupils who have been waiting to transfer. I couldn't comment on whether the parents just de registered straight away or it was pushed by school although I doubt it seen as we're only 6 weeks in. Speak to the headteacher first and foremost about your specific concerns for your family before deciding to send them back or keep them off either way.

[OpheliasCrayon]

@Ijustcantcope

And most of you will be pleased to know that I have decided to send my children to school. I am too worried about being a child abuser now not to. I am just going to hope and cross my fingers that my DH and I are OK. But, it seems that my children already have a crap mum, so losing me wouldn’t be the end of the world after all.

My god , I tried to find the post that suggested you were abusing your children. I couldn't find it and I was hoping I had read what someone had written alluding to it wrongly.

Whatever you decide to do, be that send you children to school or not, there is no way on earth your actions either way are abusive.

I work with children who have been abused and they do not come from parents who are trying to do the best thing for their family, no matter what.

Whilst I think your kids probably should go to school, I definitely do not think you are in any way anything but the best mother you can be.

Anyone who has suggested that you are abusive should be bloody ashamed of themselves for making someone even consider that that was the case. Appalling.

[Defenbaker]

Oops, sorry OP, I missed the post where you said it was your daughter who was desperate to return to school, not a son. That'll teach me to RTFT in full next time.

[SheilaHammond]

@wondersun My LA struggling for a number of reasons so need to be seen to follow the letter of the law, I think. Though if you actually ring them and speak to the Central team who deal with absence they are very nice and helpful. They’d rather not prosecute, if another way can be found, but making contact with them and having a discussion is the way forward, not just being absent long term. If you just stay away it might get dealt with more firmly.

[Anniemabel]

In your position I’d take them out of school. I keep hearing people cite mental health as a reason to keep kids in school but it’s not one size fits all. They may be better off having a chilled out year of homeschooling and hugging grandparents and roaming around the countryside than a year in school with a stressed out anxious mum and missing time with their grandparents.

Mine are in school and staying there because I’m not in a position to homeschool them as I’m working. I’m really worried about it so we’ve decided not to see my parents ( who used to do all our childcare and more and have a really close relationship with the kids) and this is really sad for the kids and logistically difficult for us but they are vulnerable and so we can’t take the risk. We’re making the best we can for our individual circumstances and you should do the same.

[HellooJackie]

Just seen your latest update. You need to do what's best for you. If that's taking them out. Take them out.
I have really bad anxiety too and health anxiety.
Regarding the vaccine. I always think of it being like a flu vaccine. Some of us have it, some of us don't. It protects against some strains but not all. And I think it will be the same for a COVID vaccine. That's what I have to tell myself anyway. It's probably wrong but keeps me a bit sane.

[Hersetta427]

If you don't ba end them to school will you lose your school places and have to reapply whenever you feel happy to send them back which obviously Namath mean they may not get a place at their current schools?

[Cam2020]

I haven't caught up with the whole thread yet but am so sorry it has gone like that OP, I think your fears are totally understandable. You sound like a lovely mum and I don't think being off school for a bit will do the dc any harm. They are still learning well and still have each other and their family for company, it's a short time really. Hope you are ok OP.

How do you qualntify a treebit though? What if the virus changes from year to year and a vaccine is unreliable (like the flu vaccine)?

[Cam2020]

a bit

[Dragongirl10]

Op please don't be put off by a few of the harsh responses here, many have exactly the same worries and yes they are valid.

Its easy for somone of low risk and with no elderly dependents to be more blase about the virus and its possible consequences than someone in your circumstances...

In fact if l were you l wouldn't hesitate to home school until Christmas and then reassess.
l assume they are primary aged children, and as you are a teacher there is nothing to lose... if one child really struggles then maybe send them back in Jan, if the loss of social contact outweighs all else.

I think you should now perhaps shut out everyones elses opinion, go somewhere quiet, take a few deep breaths and make a decision you feel is right.Please do not feel pressured by public opinion, this is your family and your choice. Sod everyone else.

[Scottishgirl85]

This is so sad to read. I hope you seek help for your anxiety
Covid is not the most dangerous thing that could happen to your children, there are many 'greater' dangers out there. And Covid will not be eliminated, it will continue to circulate just like other viruses every year. Vaccines will help control it and life will normalise, but there will always be risk. It's just another risk amongst many.

[wondersun]

@3littlewords

Only advice I would give is to delay de registering as long as possible to keep their places, 2 dc in my youngest class (y1) have been deregistered and both them places have been filled already with other pupils who have been waiting to transfer. I couldn't comment on whether the parents just de registered straight away or it was pushed by school although I doubt it seen as we're only 6 weeks in. Speak to the headteacher first and foremost about your specific concerns for your family before deciding to send them back or keep them off either way.

De-registering was suggested to me a week in so it could have been a lush sadly.

[wondersun]

Push!

[wondersun]

@Scottishgirl85

This is so sad to read. I hope you seek help for your anxiety
Covid is not the most dangerous thing that could happen to your children, there are many 'greater' dangers out there. And Covid will not be eliminated, it will continue to circulate just like other viruses every year. Vaccines will help control it and life will normalise, but there will always be risk. It's just another risk amongst many.

Yes but equally we are at a critical point, taking precautions now is normal, not a sign of anxiety. Especially if you’re acting in the best interests of your children.

[wondersun]

@Hersetta427

If you don't ba end them to school will you lose your school places and have to reapply whenever you feel happy to send them back which obviously Namath mean they may not get a place at their current schools?

Or you might get an understanding headteacher / LA. Might choose to fight it out (off-rolling is illegal). Or common sense might prevail in the debate in the Houses of Parliament on Nov 2nd.

[emxx20]

@Scottishgirl85 you can't say that "COVID is not the most dangerous thing that can happen to your children"............it affects everybody differently there are children who have caught it and died from it

[Scottishgirl85]

Yes I can, if you researched child fatalities in 2020, COVID does not feature as a cause of death. In fact the risk has been described as 'vanishingly small', and there have been no child deaths where the child was not already 'profoundly ill'.

[3littlewords]

@wondersun did that push to deregister come from the headteacher or the LEA? Its sad decisions like that are prompted so quickly

[wondersun]

[quote SheilaHammond]@wondersun My LA struggling for a number of reasons so need to be seen to follow the letter of the law, I think. Though if you actually ring them and speak to the Central team who deal with absence they are very nice and helpful. They’d rather not prosecute, if another way can be found, but making contact with them and having a discussion is the way forward, not just being absent long term. If you just stay away it might get dealt with more firmly.[/quote]
I agree and good advice. I am staying in close contact.

[Inkpaperstars]

@Cam2020 was genuinely at a loss as to how to quantify a treebit.

By a bit I was referring to the time they have already had off, even maybe continuing to Easter hols or to the end of this school year. Further ahead I am sure OP can assess as and when, we are all playing it by ear here.

[wondersun]

[quote 3littlewords]@wondersun did that push to deregister come from the headteacher or the LEA? Its sad decisions like that are prompted so quickly[/quote]
The head, I think he could tell my concerns weren’t going to go away based on his reassurances about one way systems and wiping surfaces.
He was kind and I think he believed it was one of the only options - return, face fines/prosecution or de-register. I would argue constructive dismissal based on that choice.
By the time I spoke to LA a bit of time had passed, she sounded more panicked by the thought of de-registering and tried to bully me into returning instead.
I’m not sure when the supportive approach was meant to kick in, they must have missed the memo. Although surely a supportive approach can’t exist with the ultimate end game of fines/prosecution if you don’t do exactly what they say?
I’ve heard some schools have made the rules fit the right outcome but that takes bravery and a bit of spine. Philosophically speaking I know it’s not people’s fault if they’re lacking in that. We all are what we are up to a point I guess.
However it doesn’t feel like the time to accept luck of the draw!

[Scottishgirl85]

Please kindly provide references to back up your argument...

[Scottishgirl85]

My reference is a BMJ study:

It covers two-thirds of all children's admissions in the UK due to Covid-19 between January and July and confirms what is already known about the minimal effects of the virus on children .

A "strikingly low" 1% of these 651 children and young people - six in total - had died in hospital with Covid-19 compared with 27% across all other age groups, the study found.

Eighteen per cent of the children needed intensive care.

And the six who had died had had "profound" underlying health conditions that had often been complex and themselves life-limiting.

Children with such conditions remained vulnerable to the virus and must take precautions, the researchers said.

But for others, the risk was extremely low.

[emxx20]

@Scottishgirl85 lol are you being serious google it yourself so your trying to tell me that you honestly believe no children have died from Covid get a grip give your head a shake and educate yourself and open your eyes to what's been going on in the world 🥴🥴 do you think children have super powers and are invincible. No many many many children have died Covid kills people it doesn't discriminate doesn't matter what colour what age what gender, all races all age groups all over the world have had deaths It doesn't matter how big or small the percentage fact is children have died so you saying it's not the worst thing that can happen is absolutely stupid and Ignorant