I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

[ItsReallyOnlyMe]

I really recommend you watch today's YouTube video from Dr John Campbell.

He's the only person I trust - he only uses information from reliable sources and explains it in layman's terms. In today's video (27/10/2020) - just called 'Update' - he goes through working out your own personal risk level, and also gives news about the vaccine. You can use the information he provides to make an informed decision on your circumstances.

He is apolitical and really cares about people. He produces a video most days - but I thought today's was particularly useful.

[Quarks69]

As parents one of the hardest things is realising we cannot protect children from everything in life. You have to think of them .. They need to be with theIt friends so they feel normal. If they get the virus they have a negligible chance of dying, but a higher risk of mental illness, especially if they pick up on your worries.

As a teacher I see how much the students enjoy being at school and how the most stressed ones have picked it up from their parents.

Slap a fake smile on your face, give them their masks and keep those extreme thoughts to yourself. This situation is not going to change for another six months, that’s too long to live with Such dark thoughts.

[Redolent]

@Quarks69

As parents one of the hardest things is realising we cannot protect children from everything in life. You have to think of them .. They need to be with theIt friends so they feel normal. If they get the virus they have a negligible chance of dying, but a higher risk of mental illness, especially if they pick up on your worries.

As a teacher I see how much the students enjoy being at school and how the most stressed ones have picked it up from their parents.

Slap a fake smile on your face, give them their masks and keep those extreme thoughts to yourself. This situation is not going to change for another six months, that’s too long to live with Such dark thoughts.

Where did OP say she was worried about her children getting the virus?

[2bazookas]

You have a problem, it's yours.
PLease don't give your problem to your children

[Quarks69]

@redolent opp said ‘
But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children’

[Redolent]

[quote Quarks69]@redolent opp said ‘
But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children’[/quote]
To be precise:

“I am terrified of leaving my children without a mother.”

[Redolent]

“Shield the vulnerable and let the rest of us crack on”

%Vulnerable person / household expresses anxieties^

“Stop this extreme thinking! You’ll be fine!”

[yorkshirecountrylass]

OP you're absolutely not alone. Have a chat with the Head at your DC's school and to your/your husband's GP. We did a similar thing and have agreed with the LA to home educate for now due to the extremely high risks. Have a chat with your DC too, you may be surprised by how they feel about it. Good luck 🤞

[FredaFrogspawn]

OP is at risk too. It really wouldn’t be the end of the world for these children to remain educated at home for a few months longer.

[AldiAisleofCrap]

@yarncakes Children need to have an education and covid cannot get in the way of that. the op’s children will be receiving an education from their mother.
Your comment is very naive, Covid-19 doesn’t stop dead it it’s tracks when it enters a school building.

[Quarks69]

@FredaFrogspawn

OP is at risk too. It really wouldn’t be the end of the world for these children to remain educated at home for a few months longer.

The problem is, it is not just a few months longer, we are already looking at things staying as they are until March as teachers, that’s a whole year with OP having sky high anxiety.

We are all at risk, but look at the figures 45,000 people out of 66 million. It is not as dangerous as the media portrays. The problem is, as humans in 2020 we are not really used to death anymore. We seem to be outraged at the thought of it and are going overboard avoiding a very low risk virus. Covid is the new normal for our kids, take a deep breath and get on with it best you can.

[doubleshotespresso]

OP I'm with you. I don't blame your feelings on the media or anxiety.

I blame this shitshow shambolic government for not permitting parents a choice. As far as I've read in threads like these MN is not awash with specialists on infectious diseases, therefore as parents all we can do is follow our gut with all the info and make decisions accordingly...

Only you can decide what's best for your family

I hope you get some rest whichever choices you make.

[Ijustcantcope]

Thank you for the John Campbell recommendation. I watched it and my Covid age came out as 52 even though I am only 44. My husband was similar. I guess we are medium risk then.

What got me was him at the end saying that if you have risk it’s only 1 winter to shield then the vaccine is likely and that he hoped that this advice protected just one person. I know our risk probably isn’t that great but it’s the catastrophic harm that would be cause me to our children if one of us died or was seriously ill. I have to weigh that against the missing friends for months. It’s so tough.

[Sb2012]

Hi OP. I would go with your gut instinct. They are your children and your family. The truth is rates are ridiculously high in schools. It’s highly likely that children will pick the virus up at school and if your children are of an age where they can’t social distance or wash their hands regularly at home then common sense says chances are they will pass it on to you and the rest of the family members. The fact is that the majority of cases are mild, but you know your situation best, if you think that you or a family member will suffer more than mild symptoms then don’t feel guilty keeping your children at home.
I know the chances of there being a poor outcome is very low even if you do catch the virus is low, but there is still a risk. For some parents even a minuscule sized risk is a risk they won’t take and no one should be judged for that.
I bet there are a lot of parents that would keep their kids at home especially at this time if their situation permitted it.
As for depriving the children of an education, well no one can predict what the future holds for schools this year and even possibly next. Children are already compromised in the education they are being delivered. If you think the quality of teaching and learning is the same as before it isn’t. Lessons are shorter, “cover” lessons are happening by teachers who are not even subject specialist. Some lessons are covered by TAs or unqualified teachers. Random and pointless work being set for kids to complete at home if they are required to self isolate. This is only going to get worse before it gets better.
If your children can receive home schooling until perhaps late January you never know the situation may be a lot more different then and you can reassess the situation then. No one knows what may happen in a few months time: vaccine, better drugs to treat symptoms, mini circuit breakers that lead to lower transmission rates in the community.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Ijustcantcope]

If there was a circuit breaker I would feel definitely few better about sending them back for a bit. I was so hoping they would do a 2 week half term thus closing the schools to bring it all down a bit but alas.

There has been no cases in their school yet but one of the dads got a positive just before we broke up so I feel it’s all a little bit nearer to us now, and we are moving up into Tier 2.

I am thinking of just keeping them off for a week or 2 (maybe pretend to have had an inconclusive test or something) so I can reassess then although I can’t believe things will be better then. I feel bad about lying but I feel absolutely stupid about probably being the first parent in the school to pull them out.

[Inkpaperstars]

On the one hand, you feel that you do have a problem with anxiety and I hope you do get help with that when possible. If talk therapy is delayed you could ask your GP about, I have always found that is what really helps anyway. When it comes to your anxiety, sending them back would probably be the best thing to do to avoid the disorder getting worse.

On the other hand this is not just 'your anxiety talking'. The main issue I can see is that you care for elderly parents. I have siblings with multiple kids in school, they are coping fine with that but are not seeing my vulnerable DM during this time, while they did in the holidays.

I think you have to weigh up the risks as dispassionately as possible, bearing in mind that keeping the children off might have to be for at least the rest of this school year. I think best case analysis you might get your parents vaccinated by spring.

[Inkpaperstars]

Sorry, I meant to say ask your GP about medication.

[Embra]

But let’s see at other causes. Say car accidents, it’s comparable to covid and not predictable. You might cross the road and someone run into you. Do you have an exited every time you cross the road? Maybe not but you do check there is green light etc.

[Ijustcantcope]

I understand that we could die in a car accident tomorrow. However surely our chance of dying in a car crash is less that 1-2%? That’s both my husband and mines chance of dying of Covid.

[Quarks69]

The chances of dying in a car crash are around 1 in a 100 too! Here’s some perspective....

Death Odds of Dying
Heart Disease and Cancer 1 in 7
Chronic Lower Respiratory Disease 1 in 28
Intentional Self-harm 1 in 95
Unintentional Poisoning by and Exposure to Noxious Substances 1 in 96
Motor Vehicle Crash 1 in 114
Fall 1 in 127
Assault by Firearm 1 in 370
Car Occupant 1 in 645
Pedestrian Incident 1 in 647
Motorcycle Rider Incident 1 in 985
Unintentional Drowning and Submersion 1 in 1,188
Exposure to Fire, Flames or Smoke 1 in 1,498
Choking from Inhalation and Ingestion of Food 1 in 3,461
Pedacyclist Incident 1 in 4,486
Firearms Discharge 1 in 6,905
Air and Space Transport Incidents 1 in 9,821
Exposure to Electric Current, Radiation, Temperature and Pressure 1 in 15,212
Exposure to Excessive Natural Heat 1 in 16,584
Contact with Sharp Objects 1 in 38,174
Contact with Heat and Hot Substances 1 in 56,992
Contact with Hornets, Wasps and Bees 1 in 63,225
Cataclysmic Storm 1 in 66,335

[Ijustcantcope]

I suppose that list does put it into perspective. It must be anxiety then, because of all the news and social media scaring me to death. And I am bloody terrified.

[Inkpaperstars]

That list is quite general though, surely age/health/lifestyle/location affect all those things. I agree with the point though, risk perception and the actual stats can be very different!

I find when anxiety is bad any activity or decision that you might not normally think about can become daunting and scary. DB used to joke that I wouldn't go down a flight of stairs without doing some kind of feasibility study.

I used to feel nauseous with fear on longer car journeys or on the motorway, yet at other times when the risk was the same I felt fine.

[Ploughingthrough]

You are being frightened by the media, and you are letting your anxieties about health impact your children's educational and social needs.
The amount of school that some children have missed could have implications well into their adulthood and on their job prospects - you should send your children to school. I am not dismissing your worries, but there is risk in everything that we do, as outlined by Quarks above. If you really need to keep them off longer, then you need to look into tutoring from qualified tutors as part of a decent home education package.

[PastMyBestBeforeDate]

many areas have self-referral to a CBT type service.
And the waiting time in my area was 9 months for that, 2 years ago. I don't imagine it will be better now.