I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

The majority of Covid deaths are 65 years + & the majority have underlying conditions. If you remove them from the figures and weight the figures properly the risks are not the same

Bloody hell some people are evil - the OP has already explained she has underlying conditions.

'Underlying conditions' is also drawn so widely it virtually means anyone with a hangnail - it's incredibly othering and disablist and just downright inhumane to exclude them. Many people with 'underlying conditions' have a normal life expectancy and are nurses, doctors, teachers (as is the OP). Society couldn't function without them.

@IloveJKRowling
I was just waiting for someone to trot along with that. Plus the extra disablist bit. Box checked.
This discussion is not about the ethics of figures but the risk. If you want a life/values based discussion do take a look on the other threads -there are loads that will light your fire there.
However if you do rationally read my post without all your emotional fires in full flow you will see the underlying conditions bit I mentioned was spercifically around 65 years +.

My daughter is vulnerable and I have not sent her back to school and I won’t for now.

@Jakey056

You're not posting on a data thread.

You're posting on a thread where someone has worries and has underlying conditions. I can't imagine how she must feel reading your post, I hope she's not bothering any more.

@IloveJKRowling
As someone with anxiety which presents me with very similar situations to the OP and an underlying health condition I fully understand her concerns. However worrying about risks and future scenarios will only send her into further difficulty. The only way to fix this is to look at the facts and make a decision based on those. The risks are still tiny, that has not changed since the thread began. As time goes on the risks get smaller. If she were to see a clinician they would help her understand thoughts vs feelings = outcomes. I think it would be a first call of action for me. I wish her well.

Government advice if you are ecv or clinically vulnerable i.e over 70 or have an underlying condition for which you’re eligible for a free flu jab

if someone in your house has Covid symptoms or a positive test result
“Where possible arrange for the ECV or CV person to move out for the duration.” If not possible take great care to stay at a safe distance, use separate towels, etc.

So if the government thinks the risk is enough that people should move out of their home to avoid catching it, then vulnerable people are not just over anxious because of media hype.

Dear OP @Ijustcantcope
You sound like you are uniquely well placed to have your children home with you in a loving multi-generational country setting & to cope with home schooling. Many Mumsnetters are obsessed with formal education but it is not the only way to educate your kids. This is a national crisis & it is perfectly normal to be worried & to want to take your foot off the educational accelerator for a few months & reassess the situation the other side of Christmas. It isn’t forever. Speak to the schools - don’t deregister & hopefully together you will find a way forward. It will not do your children any harm to miss some schooling in the middle of a raging pandemic in schools that have taken no effective mitigating measures to prevent transmission. Frankly, I am astonished how many parents are ok with it. You are not abnormal to feel like this.
Do not feel guilty for putting your family first - you are a key part of that family & you being mentally strong & calm will also be good for your kids.
I wish you peace with your decision

Sorry, paragraphs disappeared!

Agree with mac 12.it's going to be a hideous winter.

De register them.

I hope you know most schools will insist on de registration if you can not prove your child is clinically vulnerable, as they do not want to be responsible for children that are currently out of the system and many have waiting lists anyway.

Perhaps consider the following -

Will you get a place back if you choose to return to school/and if not where will your child go?
What works for homeschooling at a certain age may not work well in a few months/years from now. Do you have the relevant skills to teach all subjects up to GCSE and beyond?
Do you have the commitment and energy to deliver the curriculum single handed to a very good standard without a break for the foreseeable?
Having been taken out of the system your children may never wish to return, have you considered that?
Friendships made at school will be lost, perhaps indefinitely.
Support and school life is multi layered and offers more than just education, can you as a family deliver at every level?
Do you have fitness education, friendships, languages, creativity, coding and computer literacy covered? Schools do more than offer the basics.
Are your children likely to get bored and become unmotivated?
Do you have access to good support network of home schoolers?
Are your children like to regress/suffer from depression and eventually blame you if you remove their educational experience from them? I would have been furious as a child to be taken away from my friends and life at school.

Are you doing this for them or for yourself? Most important question.

Anyone reading this, please don't feel you have to de-register! (unless you really want to).

Have a look at BRTUS (Boycott Return to Unsafe Schools) on Facebook, there are literally thousands on there in this situation and BRTUS will offer you various kinds of support (especially if you feel pressurised to return your child to school).

There is a human rights legal action being considered also.

Most importantly, there is hope of a safe way through the next few months x

Yes the safest way through the next few months is to keep your anxiety in check, keep in touch with your dr about meds and be positive it is going to be just fine!

The school administration cannot demand that you deregister your child if you keep contact with the school. Deregistration can only happen if the school and LEA " have failed, after reasonable enquiry, to ascertain where the pupil is", among other conditions.

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2006/1751/regulation/8/made

Schools do not have to de register students
My daughter has not gone back, we are receiving work over seesaw. They are in absolutely no rush to have her back either.

[quote Jakey056]@Nellodee For sure. But the risk needs to be realistic.
Odds of dying from heart disease worldwide across all genders is 1 in 6.
By your reasoning thats huge.

Thats 16% - Huge eh? So what do you do every day to lower this huge massive risk from heart disease ? Very little probably like most people.
Why are we not freaking out about Heart disease?

It's still death.
It's still unpleasant.
Its relatively unavoidable

But its not all over the BBC or Social media. All relative. Stay inside and avoid covid but let the stress build up to affect your Mental or Heart health?[/quote]
This is bullshit reasoning.

If the probability of dying from heart disease was 16% this year, we would all be eating a lot more lettuce. It's not.

That probability is this: Given that you are doing to die, which is 100% going to happen, what is the chance of the cause of your death being heart disease?

Whereas the probability of a covid death is: If you catch Covid, which is totally preventable, what is the chance of you dying of it?

By the way, my school is not deregistering anyone who is not attending due to concerns about Covid. We aren't advertising the fact, because attendance is still important to us (god knows why, that ship has long sailed).

@Ijustcantcope

I recommend watching this video by Dr John Campbell. Towards the end of the video he talks about vaccines and how he is optimistic there will be one soon with vulnerable people being vaccinated from early next year. In his opinion it is therefore worth being as cautious as possible for this one winter.

Sorry to block post, just wanted to add a caveat - catching Covid is almost totally preventable in OPs case, not everyone's.

@nellodee

But its not bullshit reasoning. 16% of us will die from heart disease. Maybe not this year but those are the odds. Covid is much less of an issue because it will decline as the virus changes. Heart disease probably will not decline.

Why not answer your own question with a slight change? : Given that you are doing to die, which is 100% going to happen, what is the chance of the cause of your death being Covid?

And also:

You said covid is preventable - but Covid is not preventable - Covid will be here in 4 - 5 years - maybe longer, infecting lots of people as the virus probably diminishes. It is preventable if you live under your bed/ don't go out but who wants that?

OP - I have suffered from horrendous health anxiety since the birth of my second child (My mind goes into complete panic stations at the slightest sign of a mere sickness bug going around school) so although I'm very careful not to let my children pick up on this I empathise. Coronavirus has been without doubt the most difficult time of my parenting life so far in the sense that I never feel completely confident I'm making the right choice.

However I have a daughter who has risk factors (cerebral palsy) but also autism. She attends a sen school which is like a second home for her. Lockdown was hideous and I have had to weigh up her risks vs her quality of life and for her school is the right place to be. But my heart sinks every day I put her on her school transport. If you have a situation where you can home school and everyone involved will be happier then do it

@Jakey056

Covid is much less of an issue because it will decline as the virus changes

No one knows this.

@BlueBlancmange
But it is already in evidence.
Cases are rising but with much less death and infection. Its across the board. Do look at the stats as it is important. I am not saying the virus is not harmful but the outcomes are better now than March.
I hope this clarifies?

nel You have to be careful not to give out false information, if you continue to keep your child at home you will be taken to court for school non attendance. The rules haven't changed just because of covid. This does not apply to clinically vulnerable children or those that are considered extremely high risk.

The law still stands even during covid, so unless you are home schooling and you have de registered your child they will be expected to attend school, and you will be fined and/or taken to court. This offence does carry a prison sentence. So it is not a fluffy community order, you will have also then carry a criminal record.

So to everyone that is telling op schools aren't really caring about non attendance right now, that is false information! Maybe one or two schools are taking a more fluid approach, but not all by any means.

[quote Jakey056]@nellodee

But its not bullshit reasoning. 16% of us will die from heart disease. Maybe not this year but those are the odds. Covid is much less of an issue because it will decline as the virus changes. Heart disease probably will not decline.

Why not answer your own question with a slight change? : Given that you are doing to die, which is 100% going to happen, what is the chance of the cause of your death being Covid?

And also:

You said covid is preventable - but Covid is not preventable - Covid will be here in 4 - 5 years - maybe longer, infecting lots of people as the virus probably diminishes. It is preventable if you live under your bed/ don't go out but who wants that?[/quote]
Honestly, since you've just demonstrated your absolute lack of ability to work with probability, I can't be arsed with you.

If you want to pay me to teach you maths, my rates are £30 an hour.

Sorry, I have less and less time for the bullshit know it all know nothing wankers on here at the moment.

Patience is thin here. Call it the menopause.