I need to make a decision about school, please help!

[Beebityboo]

I've posted here a few times about my particular situation but now I have been in contact with all of my DC's schools I really need to make a decision in the next few days and I really need some help.

I have a disability that makes me prone to blood clots and that has also contributed to me having a high BMI (currently 37 after losing two stone during lockdown). I never got a shielding letter but I believe that both these things make me more vulnerable to Coronavirus. Though after getting hold of a support worker (finally!) apparently their official line is my disability doesn't make me any more likely to die of Coronavirus than the general population. However this guidance hasn't been updated since all of the scary evidence about blood clots began to circulate and when they thought it was mostly a respiratory disease.
My youngest DD (5) also has a terribly bad immune system and was in hospital a few times during reception with viral illnesses, including one really traumatic one, so this is where we stand with our health.

My eldest DD will be going in to year 8. She has Aspergers and is struggling with the idea of all the new precautions as well as not being able to deal with wearing a face mask 45 minutes each way on the bus every day. Her head teacher has agreed to let us keep her home for the time being and for various reasons we are happy to keep her at home for a while longer. She is happy to be at home and I don't see any major issues arising with this for the time being. She was previously home schooled anyway.

However, my two youngest (10 and 5) are also due back at their small village primary in two weeks.Their head is also supportive and I could probably have them at home for a little while longer too. The issue is my 10 yo is starting to become depressed and unmotivated and yesterday started sobbing his little heart out about wanting to go back. I'm ashamed to say I didn't really see how much he had been struggling as I was too consumed with my own bloody anxiety. I was leaning towards de-registering but it seems I've been a big ignorant on the subtle ways the last few months have taken their toll on him in particular.

So what do I do? Do I take advantage of the offer to keep them home a while longer and see what happens when schools go back, or do I send the younger two to school first day and accept the possibility I may get Covid and may succumb? What is the real risk now? We do live near Birmingham and cases are going up nearby.

Please help with any advice or reassurance, I have no one else to ask and it feels like such a big decision.

Thank you and sorry for the long post!

OP I have a history of blood clots - I had a diagnosis but now they think it was a miss-diagnosis. I had a spate of them and now nothing for years. Although I did do the injections etc for pregnancies, was on warfarin for years, no long haul flights and injections for short haul flights etc.
And now I am old and fat ... but am not really worried about Covid. The chances of you getting it are low, they are better at treating it etc.
From the blood clot point of view - you will safer than most people. You know what the symptoms of a clot are, you know what to look out for and the doctors know you are at risk.

I probably had a PE in my 20s - an out of hours GP posted a prescription through my letter box, then when I called them out again later when I really couldn't breath I was treated like a hypochondriac and told to let the antibiotics work, a few days later I was diagnosed as having pneumonia (never hospitalised etc) . Only when I got a huge DVT a few months later - I'd ignored my slightly swollen leg for days and it nearly killed me - did someone realise my 'pneumonia' was likely to have been a PE. (And even then they didn't admit that to me for years!) Same with my 'pulled muscle' with a bit of swelling a few months before that was likely another DVT...

Since then I have eg a mild chest infection, ask GP for antibiotics and I end up in hospital for tests...etc etc

Basically you are likely to be safer than someone who doesn't know they are at risk...
Also I spent years worrying about getting another clot etc - then they thought I had one and it dawned on me that all the years I spent worrying about getting one was much much worse that actually getting one. (And as it turns out I probably didn't have one ...messed up veins from previous DVTs meant they miss read my ultrasound)

Unless you're going to home school properly for the coming year, the time to send them back is now. The start of the new school year is really important, especially for a 10 year old who's not had company for six months and is going into their last year of primary. A few more weeks will make no real difference to the Covid risks, but will damage your 10 year old educationally and socially as the new term starts without him.

Yes you're going to have to send them and find ways of dealing with your anxiety. Can your GP help?

Sorry you've had such a rough time of it @unlucky83 .

I know I'm being over the top about this deep down, as people far more unwell than me are happily sending their children to school and I know as a mum it's my job to make them feel secure and looked after and put them first, but I can't help thinking that if they go back I may lose one of them or I may be dead by Christmas. It's all I think about. I've spent the whole summer agonising over whether to send them back or not and now I'm out of time and am still so scared, because it doesn't seem like things are going to get better any time soon .

As dh is home. He could help with infection control...work out how to split the family into two zones. If you have a plan it helps.

"I can't help thinking that if they go back I may lose one of them or I may be dead by Christmas. It's all I think about."

Are you getting any professional support for your anxiety?

It is not rational or healthy and you need support.

Have had counselling in the past but not for a long time as had mostly recovered until all of this started .

Please talk to your GP and also try looking up IAPT in your area; in many places you can self-refer for CBT on the NHS (there will be a waiting list but it's worth getting on it!)

I'm sorry to say I've rather skimmed this thread, but I did pick up you saying 'a few more weeks.'

But would it help to ask yourself what you will do in the longer term? It seems fairly likely that we may be in the position we are in, with new-infection rates going up here and down there, for months, possibly more than a year. Are you happy to keep the DC off school for another year? For six months? 3 months? 18 months? 2 years? How do you think the situation will have changed in each of those time periods? What rate of infection will you accept? What effect do you think staying off school for each period will have on the DC? How well do you realistically think you can support their learning over each time period? What about their social skills? What about your condition, will it improve over those time scales or remain the same?

I understand how frightening it is to throw them into what some of the media seem to be portraying as a germ-infested pit, but what do the alternatives look like? And are schools really much more germ-infested than they were before? We do know that everyone involved is much more alert to infection than before. Could some other infection have laid you low a year ago, even if it is only Covid regarding which we have been told of the risk of blood clots?

FWIW, I would send them back as I think the whole-life damage risk is higher if they stay at home. But I'm not you.

Another thought: risk avoidance will feed your anxiety. If you keep them off school and everyone is OK, you will 'prove' that everyone is OK because you kept them off school. If you send them back at first you will be scared, but as each day passes and all is well you will see that things are OK.

And if something goes wrong? Can you guarantee that nothing would have gone wrong if you'd kept them at home?

No I know you're right. I won't feel better about this for a long time, and my health isn't good enough to home school them properly, they wouldn't have a good quality of life and I know they are best suited to being in school. Even my eldest will have to go back eventually.
But the thought of actually sending them makes me want to cry. We have been so careful, barely seen anyone, not seen my mum since March and now it feels like it was all pointless, like it was always inevitable we were going to catch it.
Everyone I know in real life is really excited to be going back to some kind of normality and I wish I could be too.

It seems that other parents aren't being given letters from their GP's either, which is odd as I didn't even want a letter asking for them to be kept off school, but just to confirm that I have the condition I have. The secretary just kept saying it was against government guidelines repeatedly and then practically hung up on me.
Leaves me in an awkward position if I do want to keep them home a bit longer as I can't provide the proof the school needs!

You’ve effectively kept your kids under house arrest and haven’t even seen your mum since March? Op this is heartbreaking.

Can you find a medical professional who could talk you through the treatment plan if you were to catch covid? The drugs they’d give you and the likely outcome? You may be surprised (in a good way) about how much they know about blood clots and covid now and what they’d do. So even in your worst case scenario and you caught it you have a different mental image about the outcome than the one that is spooling through your head. Change what you’re visualising by getting updated medical advice?

Otherwise I think a suggestion by pp was a really good one. Send them back by saying you’ll revise it in two weeks. You can keep moving those two week goalposts. If it was me I would definitely send mine back, you know deep down you need to.

If you had been given a risk of 15 in 100,000 when you had trisomy screening in pregnancy (If you had it) would you have thought that was high or low?

(It’s minuscule as pp said).

I haven't kept them under house arrest, we've spent lots of time outside as we have a lot of lovely nature walks and stuff around. We just haven't seen other people really or been anywhere crowded, I don't think I'm the only one that has lived like that.

@Beebityboo I really feel for you, very hard when you have anxieties mixed in with genuine legitimate concerns. I would speak to your GP definitely about anxiety issues, but I would also consider joining the boycott return to unsafe schools group on Facebook. We are in the middle of a pandemic. It is normal to have concerns. I have taught exponential growth more times than I remember, I have lots of teacher friends with legitimate concerns and I think expecting children and teachers to attend an environment that is with fewer safeguards than any other is unfair.
But equally I see why people need to send. The risks will be lower for a while. Protect your mental health as you know best, seek help but don’t be bullied into thinking you’re just being anxious.

I’m not anxious but I am concerned and I’m acting on my concerns to provide the happiest year possible for my children in these thoroughly horrible times. We will get through this however we decide to and 2021 will be better. You’re going to be ok x

I'm in Scotland and DH has a condition which makes him vulnerable. I think I might be vulnerable based on common sense. We didn't know what to do.

We've decided to send ours back to school because cases are low. The media seems to be instantly on cases in school anywhere. Some think this generates fear, but it's actually reassuring because I feel, if it does come up near us, I'll know and can react.

Also, the reports are outlining how the cases occurred - again reassuring (I.e. family gatherings etc). Cases have occurred in our region, and I follow our council on Facebook and got an alert. Again, all the details provided. I was able to see it was far from us.

My DC have both been told we could whip them out of school at a moments notice. There was a sickness bug at the school and I noticed a number if parents didn't send their kids in - us included. We weren't contacted by track and trace, nor were we told COVID was in the school, so they're back at school.

This is pretty much how most of my friends are operating. I'd suggest, if you send them in, sign up to get any info you can and take it day by day.

It's not 100% risk free, and it is scary for people like us. Oh - also, don't hesitate to contact the head if you see parents behaving like morons. I honestly think they and their attitudes are the biggest risk.

Yes send them back and seek help for your anxiety. I'm sure you know this, but your weight is much more of a health risk to you than COVID. Well done on the weight loss so far.

@Beebityboo you might not be the only one living in such an isolated way but that doesn’t make it right. People on this thread are being kind and giving you good advice, and I think you owe it to your children to take it.

I have agreed to send them back. Feel very sad and very scared but I know they'll be so happy and excited and it's the best thing for them.

Well done, the right decision albeit a difficult one for you. Now make sure you take care of yourself as much as possible

Well done for making such a difficult decision. And remember the first day will be the hardest, it should get easier after that.

Well done op, you should be proud of yourself. Wishing you all the very best!

Thank you for being so kind.

I don't feel proud though. I feel like a terrible parent sending my DC's into a minefield where they could potentially get ill or make me very ill,. I feel terribly sad and defeated but have just tried to pick the least bad option when all we have is bad options.

They go back tomorrow. I'm so so worried. Can barely eat, not been sleeping and it's been exhausting trying to be positive and make them feel secure about going back.
Please someone reassure me I'm doing the right thing? .

You're doing the right thing. You're prioritising what's right for them over your own anxiety. Take care of yourself tomorrow when they're out.

You're doing the right thing.
I'm in Scotland, ours have been back since mid August. One to primary and two to a large secondary. No cases in our schools so far, parents being responsible and keeping kids off when they've got a cold, kids remarkably unphased by the new sanitising and other hygiene rules.
My youngest is 8 and the difference in him now he's back at school is massive. He is so happy. It is so nice to sit at the dinner table and hear their stories again.
I hope it works out for you. This is the lowest the risk is going to be. Enjoy the next few weeks, have some normality for all of you, recharge your emotion banks. You can always change your mind and take them out over the winter if cases rise, but if they are keen to be in school they will benefit so much from being there.
Good luck to you all, hope the kids have a great day.