I need to make a decision about school, please help!

[Beebityboo]

I've posted here a few times about my particular situation but now I have been in contact with all of my DC's schools I really need to make a decision in the next few days and I really need some help.

I have a disability that makes me prone to blood clots and that has also contributed to me having a high BMI (currently 37 after losing two stone during lockdown). I never got a shielding letter but I believe that both these things make me more vulnerable to Coronavirus. Though after getting hold of a support worker (finally!) apparently their official line is my disability doesn't make me any more likely to die of Coronavirus than the general population. However this guidance hasn't been updated since all of the scary evidence about blood clots began to circulate and when they thought it was mostly a respiratory disease.
My youngest DD (5) also has a terribly bad immune system and was in hospital a few times during reception with viral illnesses, including one really traumatic one, so this is where we stand with our health.

My eldest DD will be going in to year 8. She has Aspergers and is struggling with the idea of all the new precautions as well as not being able to deal with wearing a face mask 45 minutes each way on the bus every day. Her head teacher has agreed to let us keep her home for the time being and for various reasons we are happy to keep her at home for a while longer. She is happy to be at home and I don't see any major issues arising with this for the time being. She was previously home schooled anyway.

However, my two youngest (10 and 5) are also due back at their small village primary in two weeks.Their head is also supportive and I could probably have them at home for a little while longer too. The issue is my 10 yo is starting to become depressed and unmotivated and yesterday started sobbing his little heart out about wanting to go back. I'm ashamed to say I didn't really see how much he had been struggling as I was too consumed with my own bloody anxiety. I was leaning towards de-registering but it seems I've been a big ignorant on the subtle ways the last few months have taken their toll on him in particular.

So what do I do? Do I take advantage of the offer to keep them home a while longer and see what happens when schools go back, or do I send the younger two to school first day and accept the possibility I may get Covid and may succumb? What is the real risk now? We do live near Birmingham and cases are going up nearby.

Please help with any advice or reassurance, I have no one else to ask and it feels like such a big decision.

Thank you and sorry for the long post!

From your previous threads I seem to remember it was the high school situation with the eldest that was causing you most anxiety due to the public transport and larger bubbles etc.
Only you can decide if the changes made in the younger ones primary are efficient enough, of course its not going to be risk free, it never was, but from a personal point of view based on my own dc primary school I think the risk will be less to them than the older ones in high school.

Me personally if my dc wanted to go back to school that badly they were breaking down crying about it I would let them despite my own fears. Of course I'm just saying what I would do, I'm not saying you should feel the same. No one knows your child better than you do.

I think before you make any decisions you might be wise to take an antibody test that may help you make these decisions 80% of people who get C19 are a symptomatic

I've had a look and no where near me has any appointments for the test until the end of September.

My asc ds was back in school for the last 2 months of term as he wasn’t coping at home. It benefitted his mental health hugely.

He had to wear clean clothes in every day, and we were encouraged to get them to wash hands, face and get changed first thing when they got home. I’m going to carry that on as much as I can with both kids in sept, they can leave bags, blazers and coats in the porch then go and get changed. I’ll just have to wash uniform more often. It helps that both kid’s schools are asking them to wear pe kits i to school on pe days.

I have to write to the Head tomorrow and still have no idea at all what I'm going to say.
School closures in Scotland/Berlin and the rising case numbers just make me feel that I'd be irresponsible to send them if I gave an option!
On the other hand they both desperately want to go back.
I'm so scared. We've kept safe and well until now, been so cautious, now it seems I just have to leave it up to chance. I can't cope with this worry anymore .

@Beebityboo

I can see your concerns but I think part of the problem is you're overthinking it. You're worrying about Berlin and you live in rural England. Look at the situation in your locale. Imagine if for the next term there are a handful of cases per 100,000 per week in your immediate area (which is the case in lots of the UK at the moment). How would you feel if you get to Christmas and this is the case and your children have missed out on a whole term of schooling because you were worrying about cases in another part of Europe. Viruses spread locally so we all need to think locally. If you start to hear of increased figures in your area or local cases you could pull your children out as someone upthread suggested. Be proactive and check the data regularly. But just to not even attempt to send them back when you have a 10 year old crying out for normality doesn't strike me as the right approach. We need a way to live with this carefully, cautiously and sensibly but without undue fear which could impact our children longterm. Parenting is a worry from the moment they are born and unfortunately this is a new worry but one we have to live with along with all the other illnesses and accidents which we always have.

@Mummabeary thank you, that's very good advice. I tend to catastrophise and have definitely watched too much news recently.
I'm so risk averse generally and gave difficulty assessing risk too due to anxiety.

OP I really feel for you, what a difficult situation. It sounds like you have no choice but to send them back especially as you say you can't home school long term (I understand, I couldn't either!).

I don't know if there is anything you can to make you as healthy as absolutely possible? Drinking plenty of water. Half an hour brisk walk daily while they are at school, eat as healthily as possible? I am well aware this won't improve your medical condition, but will help your overall health and may help reduce your over all risk of a DVT.

Is there anything that can be done to help your medical condition? If it is the condition that I am thinking of, then I think not, but it is worth looking for quality advice online about it.

Also as others suggested, have the DC strip at the door and straight into the shower. Don't let them wear their shoes into the house (testing shows it often is found on floors so shoe soles may be 'contaminated'.) Obviously have them wash their hands before touching anything in the house. These measures may seem OTT but if it makes you feel more confident in sending them back, I would do it.

Be gentle with yourself OP, you haven't had an easy time

Sorry to ask but is your risk to blook clots a genetic blood condition. Just wondering, because I've wondered about this too.

No not a genetic condition, I got it indirectly as a result of birth trauma.

Can definitely relate to what you’re going through. I have a heart condition so high risk and we’ve been SO careful since March to be honest. Seems crazy that in a few weeks my daughter will potentially be in a class of 30 with no SD. Think we’ve decided to go ahead and send her though (primary age) as she needs the social interaction more than anything. Going to be changing clothes/ hand washing/ leaving shoes in the porch etc once she’s home. We live in a rural area and it’s a small village school so sounds similar to you. I’ve been following local outbreaks which has reassured me as I think we’ve had 1 reported case in the last 7 weeks! I’d recommend looking up local data rather than national / European. Might consider taking vitamin D supplements too!

@Beebityboo have you checked the number of cases in your area? This map shows cases by ward for the past week, there's a good chance that you will find it reassuring.

phe.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=47574f7a6e454dc6a42c5f6912ed7076

I would send the younger two back with appropriate precautions, such as hand sanitizer at the door and an immediate change of clothes.

This is probably the lowest our case incidence will be, before we get a vaccine. It's worth doing, for the sake of your kids mental health. You can always keep an eye on the cases in your area and isolate again, if necessary.

YOur eldest definitely keep off.

If you live near the school anyway I think you have to send them back - maybe see if something like a half day approach so they avoid lunch and drill into them that they should SD etc if they can

Speak to the Head and see what can be done to help get them back - this isnt going anywhere I dont think anytime soon so I do think you need to figure something out.

Good luck

So again, leaning in to my nightly panic attack, I have googled the amount of cases in the nearest town (fifteen minutes, we aren't super rural but rural-ish) and its 15 per 100,000 people, when the average is 8. That seems like a lot?

I think if I were you I would send the younger 2 back. A little village school is a tiny risk, and the benefits to your children will be huge. I think every decision we make at the moment needs to be risk vs benefit. That’s the best we can do.

Realistically- the chances of a case in your childrens’ school is tiny- in the event there is a case- the risk of them being one of the ones to catch it first before the school realises and isolates or closes etc, are tiny.
The chance of them transmitting to you if they catch it is still not guaranteed. And even if you caught it, even with your risk factors, as a young woman (I’m making assumptions here of course..?!) you are still at low risk of being seriously ill or worse. (Age is by far the most dominant risk factor)
The benefits to your children however, are clearly huge. And will be evident from day one. And if things do change and cases do rise in your area, you can always reassess.

I think the hardest step in returning to some sort of normality is the very first time you do it. It won’t be easy, but I suggest you try it and see how you all feel.

Thank you @TeaInTheGarden that was really helpful. After months of a very cautious and isolated life it seems just hugely overwhelming .

I know they'd be happier back in school.

I think that’s totally understandable.
If you’re not already doing so- some play dates with school friends before school starts to ease you and the kids back into seeing people may help?

This is terribly difficult. I enjoyed home schooling and my kids would be OK not going back, but if your youngest want to and you can see how much they’d benefit? I’d look at your options:

• All go back - doesn’t seem in everyone’s interests
• Youngest go back as normal - good for them, bit worrying for you, so take extra precautions, insist you know what safety is in place for them, pick them up and drop them - sort out oldest don’t let them get too isolated or fall back too much
• None go back - definite negative wellbeing and education costs but weigh that up with health concerns
• Youngest go back but on a reduced timetable that is safer, either not a full week, or shorter days, negotiated with the school

And on all of the above, look at your local rates, are they very low? Much safer than in an area where Covid rates are going up.

I was starting to feel a little better about the idea of them going back to school but the horrible outbreak in Dundee has thrown me again and there is so much online right now saying it won't be safe.
I am trying desperately hard to be positive about them going back in front of the DC's but I am struggling with it hugely in private. I have had a serious anxiety disorder for many years and I don't feel cut out to deal with the increased level of risk to life that will come when they are back in school .

There is no risk free decision. It's hard and it's ongoing. I feel for you, because this is not just your anxiety talking. But it sounds like you know that you need to let them go to school. Remember that serious illness even though you are vulnerable is not inevitable even if you get the virus.

I know it's not easy to rationalise when you're struggling so much but try to remember that:

1. Dundee is a city and you're talking about a rural Primary school.
2. The outbreak is in a special needs school so the children will be coming from a much wider catchment area which could have increased the risk.
3. It's only 1 school out of 1000s (I know there have been cases in others but no other full closures afaik).

I just can't help but feel that I should keep them out for a while longer, would it do any real harm just to keep them home a few more weeks? I know not much will change but it just feels too soon.
Thank you all for being so nice, I know I must sound pathetic.

You don't sound pathetic! You're struggling with anxiety which is hard to combat at the best of times. We have spent months is lockdown with the media screaming at us that we risk killing ourselves and certainly our 80 year old grannies if we take 2 steps out the front door. The psychological toll of that is going to be very real and long lasting for a lot of people, whatever the actual, objective risk right now is.

Educationally, no, I don't think it would do any lasting damage to spend a few more weeks at home. But where would it end? If you tell yourself October, you'll be worrying about the new date and, when you reach it, will you be able to act any differently to now?

I wonder if it would make more sense to do the opposite - send them now but tell yourself it's only for 2 weeks. Allow yourself to reassess at the end of 2 weeks and see if there is any difference in the risk or how you feel. Most likely there won't be a single case in the school or near it at that point and you may well start to relax and feel totally happy about the next two weeks. And so on. Small steps. And, with monitoring of the cases in your area, you will have good warning on when to pull them out if the risk does actually get significant.

If you know not much will change in a few weeks are you not just delaying the decision? I suppose you need to decide on a timescale and stick to it. We could be in this position for a long time yet so you need to think of what's best long term as well as short term.
In relation to the Dundee school yes is its not great and fingers crossed no one is adversely affected long term but that's 1 school out of hundreds that have returned and so far been ok. Dont let something happening miles away from you impact on your decision, base it on the figures in your local community nothing else.
Did you email school ? Have you had any response from them?