Fridays announcement

[Kitmerow]

What are you expecting from this weeks announcement?

You must wear a face covering in your own home. If you live with others you must live in separate rooms. If you don't have enough bedrooms to sleep separately someone must sleep in the shed. You are not allowed to share a bathroom. You must not have sex with your partner. These rules will be enforced by the mask police.

1. If you live in are with a Y in it you must not leave your house, except on Tuesdays, if it is raining.
2. You can meet with 10 people outside, if there is an easterly wind and only if they all have blond hair.
3. If you dont know anyone with blond hair you can apply to a local scheme to find someone to meet with.

4.You can meet up with anyone with brown hair and blue eyes inside at all times.

1. None of the above restrictions apply to pubs where basically you can do what you want.

6.If you work in the NHS we will have a whole set of new rules for you, but wont tell you till about 6pm on the day before they have to be implemeneted. These rules will undoubtedly totally contradict the latest guidance introduced only a week ago. 7.We will very obviously NOT mention schools or anything to do with them because that may look like forward planning and taking proactive action and we wouldnt want to be accused of that.

1. continue working from home if you can, making sure you get back to the office wherever possible, preferrably stopping at a restaurant on your way, but dont forget to loose weight whilst staying at home at all times eating donuts.

Housing associations will be told they must build annexes that hang in thin air by the power of prayer so those that live in flats can socially distance.

If I were Carrie and Mrs Witty & Vallance there'd be some sort of What's App plot going on to gang up over the lack of close contact beauty.

Whatever it is, it’ll almost certainly be world-beating wank.

You likely have seen my little poem already but this thread seems a natural place for it to sit

Masks are a real drag
But its all about the price tag
Now you need to do your duty.
And shop for clothes and beauty.
Dont forget about shoes.
And stuff you possibly wont use.
And you can go to the pub
Eat lots of lovely grub.
With not a mask in sight.
You can party all night.
Drinkers getting a free pass
So they can drink and fall on their arse.
Had enough of this crap
Sick of being in this trap
Up to me if i dont shop
It doesnt mean you can have a pop.
Now i play the waiting game.
But you wont make me feel shame.
I DO wear a mask
But being happy "bout it. Too big an ask.

ECT treatment to "correct the wrongthink" of people who dont like masks but ARE wearing them???!!!

Tuesday cannot be cunninglingus day, that tits day.

Monday is the only day you are allowed to moan about something.
Tuesday flash your tits to support the government
Wednesday - whatever, don't care it's hump day do what you want.
Thursday thread your eye brows
Friday get your facials
Saturday go for a swim
Sunday stay the fuck at home

Left handed people in Norwich will still be able to eat boiled eggs, but only with their right hand, and only after the insertion of two spring onions up either nostrils.

More nonsense but with a lot of persuasive language being used.

As long as Boris bangs the desk a couple of times to show he really means it then I’m in! If there are a couple of union jacks in the background then so much the better.

Let’s all remember this about Boris - if you vote for a clown don’t be upset when you get a circus

I still cannot get over he's gone on holiday in the middle of this crisis and the day it was announced we are in a recession.

Funny, schools have been told to stay open at all costs. We have a moral duty blah blah blah. Funny that, I thought he had a moral duty to do the best for the all the country. And wasn't this the guy that wanted those working with children to give up their holidays for childcare?

A two week holiday no less which takes us right up to schools opening up. Makes my blood boil.

Wasn't Cameron almost ripped a new one for being on holiday during a major crisis? Think he might have already been on holiday when the crisis started.

I'm convinced some people only voted the clown to deliberately spite London. Londoners were pleading don't vote for him, we had him as mayor.

Politician absent in a time of crisis to take a 2 week holiday....

Given the state of this year, it's one of the few things that I can believe has happened.

He was on holiday during the London riots, finally came back after being shamed.
When he got back he spent a load of our money on water cannons which are not legal to use in England.
Once a useless lazy bastard, always a useless lay bastard

@Ickabog

Politician absent in a time of crisis to take a 2 week holiday....

Given the state of this year, it's one of the few things that I can believe has happened.

Not just the two week holiday either. There was the Mustique holiday over the New Year period (when China was reporting on the coronavirus), the Chevenings two week holiday not long afterwards, the long break at Chequers when he was convalescing, and all those Cobra meetings he skived out of. To say nothing of a few more restful long weekends at Chequers. But then, I suppose it makes relatively little difference anyway, even when he's not on holiday he leaves it all to Cummings anyway.

I'd forgotten about him skiving the cobra meetings. Wonder if he will use out of office as an excuse for the dodgy mates deals that were made at the time.

Go to work, don’t go to work, work from home, wash your hands probably.

No, it's "Hands, face, space, get a test!" Remember it couldn't be more clear. BJ's exact words.

Is there definitely going to be one tomorrow? What time? Special press conference at the podium or just sneakily inserted into the news?

Or another tweet

Coronavirus: Lockdown to ease further in England from Saturday www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-53772735

Thus seems to be it or at least part of it.

Genuinely beyond excited about my eyebrow appointment on Saturday! 😊

The last one was slotted into the news at either 11 or 12 o'clock, it wasn't a special programme like they used to be, is he on holiday yet as I'm sure I saw him on the telly yesterday and it wasn't from a tent

is it Friday?

What did they announce?

It wasn't France, was it?