Feeling sad about time passing and there still being in a pandemic

[SadAboutCovid]

I was going through the photographs on my phone earlier and I realised it has been six months since my birthday. I remember going out for a meal and discussing with friends the situation in China and we were talking about how if it spread to the UK maybe they would have increased hand sanitiser and move the tables in the restaurant further apart. It was a completely hypothetical conversation, we never really believed it would spread to the UK or if it did it would be easily contained. Even if it did spread, we never anticipated that restaurants would be forced to close along with schools, workplaces, shops etc.

I know it is silly but somehow realising that half of this year of my life has been wasted has just really upset me. It feels like life has been paused and yet time has still carried on passing. Soon Autumn will be on its way and it will be a painful reminder of the amount of time we have been under lockdown.

I have tried to embrace lockdown and at some points I did enjoy it. However gone is the sense of collective "national effort" and the Thursday night clapping with all of your neighbours in the street. Gone is the feeling of support from the government with their regular news conference briefings. Now it just feels sad, endless and hopeless. I have been more cautious than most due to an underlying health condition so I had not ventured out to the shops until last week. However just knowing that outside of my home there was a sense of normalcy with shops and restaurants back open I felt comforted. It wasn't until I stepped foot into a shop myself that I realise that whilst they are open it is in no way normal. What would have been a leisurely day spent looking around shops with a coffee afterwards has now turned into a mission of going into the shop and being as direct and quick as possible. No longer can you share a smile with the cashier or other strangers (or at least a visible smile), instead there is fear and frustration when someone gets too close when walking past. Other people aren't just people anymore, they are also potential hosts of a deadly virus.

I don't know, I am just really struggling with it. Yet I feel guilty for being worried about myself. I feel like I will be shamed for these thoughts and told to get over it, it's "over".

There's clearly a lot of people on this thread feel the same way. However I don't really. I'm pretty much living the life I was before. Working from home, catching up with friends here and there and doing up the house. When I went into town recently I could still sit down for a coffee. However I'm not sure this freedom will last as it looks like cases are rising again so a second inevitable lockdown. Will have to start diy project number 2.

I feel similar every now and then.
Autumn is my absolute favourite season which I look forward to. This year I’m not. Partly to do with the fact that it will mean this has been going on for half the year )with little true end in sight and the threat of future lockdowns etc).
When I do feel that I think of everyone in a more difficult position than me and of eg ww2 - how populations would have felt a similar feeling in much much more difficult circs. And how generally various populations who were able to rose to the challenge.
I also make an effort to arrange things (Social and personal - within what’s possible now) so that it’s not all just a ‘flat’ time.

A pp on a different thread described our reactions as grief. We are all in differing stages - both individually and as a society. I am stuck in denial and low grade depression. Some friends are in anger/bargaining. I don’t know many who are at acceptance yet. Thought it a good analogy.

Its the really vital stuff that we can't get back that bothers me, the lost chances.

I'm single and childless and it looks like my last hopes are gone in that area because it is time-limited. Made worse by not being able to make the most of things child-free, because everything's cancelled. All whilst friends with children make the most of their extra time with them. Was also close with two (single parent) friends' children, who I now see grow up through photos only.
I'd rather die than live like this.

Yes to all this
I feel worse now than I have for a long time.
We have been shielding ds until now and every effort to get back to any semblance of normality fills me with worry. Then I feel guilty over how worried and sad I feel. The thought of September fills me with dread.
Then I slap on a calm happy mum face and try and crack on.
I really am a wreck.

I can't help but feel really resentful at all the stuff my 2 year old is missing out on like our usual groups and classes, odd lunch out, going to friends houses, softplay and outings. I know we can still do outings but they sound crap with all the queuing and half of it being closed and having to book weeks in advance.

I spent her 2nd birthday nearly in tears sitting through all the well meant zoom parties that I couldn't be fucked with. Think I'll feign migraine or something to avoid doing the same on my own birthday.

@runrabbitrunrunrun

You’re complaining about not being able to get your usual coffee. Get a grip will you!!!!! There’s people who have had they’re cancer treatments postponed because of this! Have you lost a loved one? Did you get COVID and have long term side effects? Did you lose your job? Did you have to resort to a food bank? Did you shield the whole time for fear of death?

I'm a covid 'long hauler'. It's thoroughly horrible and sometimes depressing (and a shock). However I still get what OP is saying. What a waste of a year. I've wasted many weeks in bed. When I'm well enough to do (limited) normal things, its horrible. I look around and everyone in masks and hate it. There's no nipping to the bank or browsing the shops anymore. I'm also a teacher and mum of a primary aged child. Desperate to get back to school and normality. So I hear you OP. Horrible times.

feel like the last year of my 30’s has been wasted

I’m 34, very long term single and all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. Probably overdramatically I feel like all this has killed off the tiny shred of hope I had of finding someone. You can’t even hold hands with someone anymore.

In my 30s as well and feel like the virus has taken away whatever was left of my youth (bearing in mind it's not going away any time soon and it's already aged me).

It's quite existential really.

Was earlier zooming with friends one of whom said she was not looking forward to autumn winter because of the long dark nights if we are still in partial or even renewed lockdown.
We’ve so far had sunniest spring and now summer (not Cornwall obviously - 66 Misty/rainy there currently in parts) and even without garden many have been able to walk outside/parks/walks etc.
Not looking forward to being in so much in the dark. Need to lay in stocks of things to do inside like never before.

Conversely in one way I'm quite looking forward to winter, as it will be an excuse not to 'get out there' (plus I'm crap in hot weather!)

Someone earlier said something about all the collective, "we're all in it together" feeling has gone. I'm feeling this, but on a more personal level... I'm feeling slightly abandoned. I could cope with lockdown, I was busy, shiedling ds and dealing with his complex needs, sorting out the massive task of his EHCP and transition, arranging meeting, doing a bit of work from home, sorting schoolwork, being positive, talking to my mum (also shielding) twice a day, sorting her shopping and meds, keeping the cogs moving, getting the dds to do art, doing art myself for the first time in years, keeping in touch with friends... My mum died suddenly 2 months ago and it was awful, but again I was busy, had 2 weeks to clear her house on my own, organised and had funeral on my own, sent emails, talked to all her friends on the phone, put her stuff in storage....then lockdown eased, and we were still shielding, texts from friends have fallen away, haven't had a zoom chat in ages, dh is in a bubble of stress and exhaustion about work. Now shielding is paused, but I am so anxious every time we try and do anything which is a semblance of 'normal', and if I think about ds going back to school I just feel sick.
I've had to sit in the toilet to write this because I know I'll burst in to tears, which I have. I feel so so sad.

I was positive for a while when cases were going down and life opening up a bit again. Now I'm down again. You can go out - but who's to know if someone has covid near you and you get arbitrarily put into house arrest for 14 days. We think we've already had it, but can't get the test sent through even though we've paid for it.

DS 14 due to be going back to school. Should be relieved as the online provision from his private school was less than perfect and I nearly broke myself trying to make that right. But who knows how long he'll be in for and of course if the online provision is no good, I only have myself to blame for trying to get schools to reopen.

Two European trips booked for September- long before any of this started - to celebrate big birthday year. Unlikely to be able to go on either, flights unlikely to be cancelled and around insurance excess amount so no point in claiming.

I'm trying to stay positive, but finding it difficult.

I hear you OP. We are overall very fortunate - we haven't lost our jobs and none of our loved ones have had our health significantly impacted, either through covid or the knock-on impacts on health care. And there have been aspects of lockdown that have been positive for us, at least at the start. But now I am feeling increasingly sad about the situation. I am worried about my children and their education, and that what started as a recoverable 'blip' is turning into a significant gap that they won't easily recover from. I am conscious that they are growing up so fast and that their childhood is finite, and that there are opportunities being missed that will be gone forever.

As I said, these are trivial concerns compared to many, many people's struggles, I know this. But the sadness is real for me.

@Bupkis

Conversely in one way I'm quite looking forward to winter, as it will be an excuse not to 'get out there' (plus I'm crap in hot weather!)

Someone earlier said something about all the collective, "we're all in it together" feeling has gone. I'm feeling this, but on a more personal level... I'm feeling slightly abandoned. I could cope with lockdown, I was busy, shiedling ds and dealing with his complex needs, sorting out the massive task of his EHCP and transition, arranging meeting, doing a bit of work from home, sorting schoolwork, being positive, talking to my mum (also shielding) twice a day, sorting her shopping and meds, keeping the cogs moving, getting the dds to do art, doing art myself for the first time in years, keeping in touch with friends... My mum died suddenly 2 months ago and it was awful, but again I was busy, had 2 weeks to clear her house on my own, organised and had funeral on my own, sent emails, talked to all her friends on the phone, put her stuff in storage....then lockdown eased, and we were still shielding, texts from friends have fallen away, haven't had a zoom chat in ages, dh is in a bubble of stress and exhaustion about work. Now shielding is paused, but I am so anxious every time we try and do anything which is a semblance of 'normal', and if I think about ds going back to school I just feel sick.
I've had to sit in the toilet to write this because I know I'll burst in to tears, which I have. I feel so so sad.

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. I can relate to the texts from friends drying up, I was insanely bust during the first few months of lockdown and now things are calmer, friends are nowhere to be found. They are in their own little worlds of self sufficient contentment, or depression, or denial etc etc.

@HeronLanyon I'm in Cornwall too I've been doing the same, planning various DIY projects and inside things for the autumn and winter so I have stuff to do and focus on...

Yes. During actual lockdown I was in full 'on it' mode, surviving around home schooling x3 and doing my full time job. As lock down has eased and home schooling has finished I think my brain has finally caught up and realised that this doesn't finish anytime soon.

I feel sad for all my missed plans, worried about all my autumn plans and so, so worried about my kids childhood/education.

cheese - I agree, in many senses we have been 'lucky' but even from that position the worries that are, in relative terms, minor, are still worries I'd never even imagined having.

bupkis i am so sorry You’re in a difficult place right now. Hugely sorry about your mum. I lost my lovely old mum end of 2018 and can’t imagine what you have been through.
You know what though ? We know it will get better.
Call a friend and have a zoom. You won’t be the only one in your family/group finding this really tough. Ask for help.
Support. You’ll get through and it will be better.

rhubarb not in c or walk right now but close friend is. We’ve been swapping screenshots and photos of today’s weather and crying laughing. It’s not been great in parts for you !

@bupkis I'm so sorry for your loss and your situation.
I really hope people reach out to you and you get some texts or calls etc.

@Mummaofmytribe sorry to hear that, that does sound truly miserable ☹️

I like to think that being back in lockdown isn't necessarily back to square one, hopefully it just means they are acting faster this time and nipping things in the bud before it gets out of hand as before! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Hang on in there because even though we don't know when, there WILL be better days

I agree and am already sad thinking about what Christmas will be like eg no visits to santa/ office party etc.
I have shielding family members who I am worried about too.
I honestly hoped we would be back to normal by summer and now I feel like it will be next summer!

There are a lot of us, if that helps :)
Reslly, you are not alone.

@bupkis also looking forward to colder weather in the sense that itll feel less depressing to be indoors.

Thankyou everyone

It was good to come and have a bit of a self pity fest on here....I had a good cry.

Then I made a coffee, Whatsapped my sister (who lives abroad), posted a couple of messages on Facebook, and sat in the garden drawing with dd2....it was lovely.

Sometimes you do just have to moment, don't you.

I hope everyone is having an ok day (and not melting)

Try not to see it as a complete waste. You've lived through a historical event. One day, decades from now, this will hopefully all be a blip. One to tell the younger generation about.
Maybe there are things you gained during this period that you don't yet recognize. Something you've learned or even a series you got to catch up on. Maybe you didn't have to see that annoying colleague or became more resilient to change.
At least the whole world came to a standstill. If you had been in an accident and broken both of your legs, the world would have kept turning without you, and you would have missed out on opportunities being bedridden while everyone else lived their lives.
It's been a truly dreadful time. It's sad to see so much devastation, so suddenly and so widespread. It's been simply boring at the best of times. Kids are missing out on an education. People's mental health problems are exacerbated. Economic crisis will probably last for years. I agree, it's all so bleak.

But, what can we do? At least we are all sitting in this big pile of poop together.

Sorry, i realize upon reading back that my post was too breezy and positive.
The truth is, its really crap

Yep. Off the back of a diagnosis of ptsd, loads of therapy, losing my dad and both grandmothers etc, 2020 was meant to be my year. We had 3 holidays booked. I felt finally in a good place with a plan for the future.

Lockdown has ruined all of that. My mental health is screwed again and my hopes for my future seem pathetic and impossible. Right now I'm not sure I'll ever hold a job down again, certainly not in the field I wanted to work in.

Really struggling to see the point atm.