Sick of DH working from home. . .

[CornflakeMum]

DH is self--employed. Was working from a shared office, but gave it up when lockdown started.
We have a 'posh shed' at the end of the garden (previously TV/sofa/ gym equipment - mine and teen sons' hangout, basically). DH announced he would make that his office and gym equipment was moved to tiny boxroom upstairs where there is hardly any light and not enough room for me to do stuff on a mat .
Basically teens no longer able to use it for friends/ gaming etc during day (and it's lost some of its evening appeal, as now has an 'officey feel').

DH positioned his desk in the shed looking back up the garden towards the house. I now feel constantly watched during the day, and I feel uncomfortable sitting out on the terrace or having friends over with DH staring up the garden. He's made the occasional comment about 'how nice to have the time to read during the day etc' .

Anyway, for the last couple of days he's started setting up his laptop in the KITCHEN - spreading himself and his paperwork over the breakfast bar (which is also the main prep surface for any meal), taking and making phone calls and commenting on everything and anything - what time the teens are getting up/ what people are eating/ suggesting tasks he thinks people should be doing.

Honestly, it's doing my head in! Surely he's being unreasonable -he can't take over the whole house?
WIBU to tell him to p*ss off back to the shed, or give us our gym/TV room back?

[P.S. I appreciate this is a first-world problem, and we're lucky not to be in a one-bed flat etc]

"I'm so glad you've finally moved back into the house, I've hated trying to squeeze into that boxroom! I'll get the teen to help me move the exercise kit back in this evening, please move your stuff back out of the exercise shed by 7"

I feel your pain. I've never noticed how much sounds travels around our house and my husband is SO loud and on the phone all fucking day I'm going out of my mind!!! 🤬

I would suggest to him that his home office needs to be in the shed. Otherwise, there is no distinction between home and work.

I sympathise with both of you though. I haven't enjoyed working from home during lockdown-keeping everything crossed that schools reopen as planned in September so I can go back to work!

He should be using the box room as an office. It is extremely selfish to make everyone else's life uncomfortable.

@ProbableScam

He should be using the box room as an office. It is extremely selfish to make everyone else's life uncomfortable.

Yes! Is the box room big enough for his desk etc?

My dh has just gone back to the office this week 🎉

Well, clearly YANBU to want him out.

Although the commenting and judgements would do my head in at any time. I'd be telling him to get stuffed pretty sharpish.

If this is going to be long term have a family meeting, explain the gym equipment dilemma, perhaps make box room or a corner in your bedroom "his space" or get a garden office, might be pricey but an investment.

@ProbableScam

He should be using the box room as an office. It is extremely selfish to make everyone else's life uncomfortable.

Ah, well therein lies the problem. When he had a shared (external) office the box room was his 'home office'. When he moved back home he claimed it would be too claustrophobic to spend all day in there (it's a loft room with an overhead Velux) hence the shed takeover. We even have another room downstairs which has a desk in (DS's from his A levels) but he won't go in there - he seems to want to plonk himself right in the way of everything.

I think a kitchen would be for cooking/ eating/ socialising in - I HATE having laptops and paperwork there, especially if there is an alternative.

Easy enough to discourage him from using the kitchen - insist that you have to be in there to do various chores, wash the floor round his feet, put stuff on top if his papers, move them out of the way because you need the space, accidentally spill things on his stuff, insist on having the radio on. He can hardly complain when he has the choice of at least two other rooms in the house plus the shed to work in.

I feel your pain. When dh was working from home he was disturbing us with homeschooling. I sent him packing back to his work office which he has to himself and he doesn’t see anyone.
Tell him in a firm voice ‘right, you’re in the kitchen working now, does that mean the outside shed is free as you’re getting on my nerves?!’

First you complained that he was working from the shed because you felt overlooked and now you want him back in the shed. I agree that he should be in one place but I suspect you probably annoying him too.

@avocuddl

I feel your pain. I've never noticed how much sounds travels around our house and my husband is SO loud and on the phone all fucking day I'm going out of my mind!!! 🤬

Oh god, I know this feeling so well. I've taken to wearing noise cancelling headphones. When I asked him why he has to shout so much, he said it wasn't shouting, just talking clearly so people could understand him. Most days he's on the phone almost continually. Last night he was still 'shouting' at 8pm

what time the teens are getting up/ what people are eating/ suggesting tasks he thinks people should be doing.

Heaven forbid your husband shows an interest in his family's lives and dares to go in his own kitchen.

I think it's always going to be stressful spending all day together when ordinarily you'd be apart and with clear work/home boundaries.

Is he lonely maybe? If he's a sociable person he maybe finds it hard to spend the day on his own, particularly if there are other people in the house doing their own thing, hence arranging his desk to be able to feel a bit more included, and now using the kitchen? Is there a compromise to be reached like "Give me/DC back the shed, work from the kitchen in the afternoons, but work upstairs in the box room the other half of the day."

As an anti-social person I have the opposite problem. We have a large, well appointed study from which DH and I both work but he drives me up the wall some days just by being there, both because he makes noise (not unreasonably, I mean he breathes, sighs, talks etc) or stops me being able to talk to myself. In the good old days I was always able to WFH occasionally and if I needed some quiet or to practice a presentation I could WFH and be totally alone all day. Now there's always someone else there!

Otherwise, there is no distinction between home and work.

I work from home, inside my house. There is no issue with the distinction between home and work. Drawing that line is a mindset, not a physical wall.

Hoover a lot. Loudly. Putting all the chairs on top of tables to do it. Like daily. Then do loud kitchen things like using the mixer, the blender and other appliances. Make your own phone calls in the same room. And maybe talk to yourself a lot too just for good measure....?

@Pelleas

what time the teens are getting up/ what people are eating/ suggesting tasks he thinks people should be doing.

Heaven forbid your husband shows an interest in his family's lives and dares to go in his own kitchen.

Yes, but this isn't friendly chat, this is all passive aggressive stuff:

"What time do you call this to be in your pyjamas? When I was 17 I was up at 6.30 to do XYZ"

" Why are you having 4 eggs? 3 is more than enough. And you can't have ham AND that many eggs..." (to DS, not me)

"I've noticed that the bin smells - can you take it out?" (Er... if you weren't sitting next to it, you wouldn't notice, and it only smells because you didn't get rid of the fish skin properly last night...)

It's not just HIS kitchen though, is it?

It IS his house aswell and he should have the right to do whatever he pleases in his house, this is only temporary, and he's right, it is very nice to have the free time to read while your husband is working, he's probably a little jealous, maybe he's spread around in the kitchen because he enjoys being around his family during the workday for once?

I'd be telling him it's office in the box room or he can piss off back to his shared office!

Box room. Send his passive aggressive, controlling arse to the box room if he won't go back to work. I'm sure it's claustrophobic for you having him around passing judgment all day, and it isn't fair on teens to lose their shed space especially now it's summer holidays.

Yes, but this isn't friendly chat, this is all passive aggressive stuff

If he has a habit of stating his opinions in a passive aggressive way, I'd say that's something you need to take up as a separate issue.

It's not unreasonable for him to express an opinion on his son lounging round in pyjamas all morning or eating unhealthy amounts of food.

Bin - he should take it out himself if it's bothering him.

It's not just HIS kitchen though, is it?

No, and it's not just yours either.

My DH has always worked from home. He has our 4th bedroom (the small box room as his office). He's arranged it to make it cosy for himself.

He just needs a desk really.

Perhaps your husband can move his things into the small room because he's taking up quality living space.

God I know!!! DH working from home is driving me mental. It's like living with Captain Von Trapp. He tries to manage us constantly. DS1 who's 15 gets it the worst, DH never gives him a second for chatting to friends etc. on top of that we are expecting to creep around the house like ghosts. He used to work away 3 days a week pre-Covid so it's a huge change.

Tell him there really is such a thing as too much time together, and he needs to pick a room: boxroom or downstairs room with desk.

He cannot plonk himself in the middle of the kitchen and then critique everyone else. Ditto for the garden 'shed' where the teenagers and you want their space back.

He is being unreasonable and making you view him in a more negative light. Surely he'll want to change that.