God id love a day off.

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

My children are driving me mad. I’m at the point where I really really wish I hadn’t had them. I’ve got a 4 year old and an 11 year old with SEN.
Dh is at work four days a week and now playing golf the remaining day and on a Saturday.
I am shattered. I have started to resent the dc. Ds has adhd as part of the Sen as he does not stop. He doesn’t sleep particularly well and then he’s on the go all day. Dd is easier but even she is driving me crazy. Clearly I’ve got no childcare so I’ve got no option and I know a lot of people are in similar situations but just a few hours to myself sounds like heaven.

Surely what OP actually needs @HTT10 is for something to change?
Moaning is a very understandable human reaction and probably all that is needed for incorrect toothpaste squeezing and the like.
But if you are a relationship with someone who refuses to co-parent on any level then something more may be needed.
Personally I'd try insisting on co parenting within the relationship first but I'd also understand if others felt it was a waste of time and energy.

Tell him that nex week on his day off, and on Saturday, you''ll be playing golf. Then go to the seaside for the day on your own.

((Big hug))

Please don't resent your children. Resent the selfish wanker who is abusing you.

He gets days off 'paid work' not parenting. If he won't change - will you consider leaving him?

In the short term, do you have any single family or friends that would consider being in your bubble? If not absolutely anyone that will have your kids for any time at all.

So sorry OP. Your DH sounds like the type of person who shouldn’t have had children. My DH goes cycling 3 times a week but always asks me if I mind & pulls his weight when he’s here ( we have DD11 who isn’t officially classed as SEN but has attachment disorder, sensory problems & is very likely on the spectrum although hasn’t been officially diagnosed). Your DH is behaving like a single man then making you feel bad when you try to change things! Has he always been like this?

I get feeling resentful towards your kids. My DH does 12 hour shifts and some days I resent the kids, him for working, strangers for not having kids... So I get that.
But. My DH comes home and takes the baby straight away. He plays with the older one, he makes me a drink and checks I've eaten. He comes off night shifts and asks if I want to go for an hour lie down before him.

Your DH needs to step up. Even if he's incapable of parenting alone,it should be split when you're together.

Dear God, your husband is selfish and controlling. And you have enabled it, so its time to do what YOU want and ignore his feelings as he's ignoring yours.

I am currently in the bedroom hiding from my kids and feel like you: walls closing in, never time alone, don't like the children.... the difference is that I'm alone with the kids at the weekend as my DH is working weekends so I can work (from home so still involved) my ridiculously stressful intense job during week whilst he looks after them. AND crucially, he know I need alone time and organises things so I can get it, whenever I want, no questions asked. AND he is planning a weekend away at a luxury hotel to give us a break for whenever this pandemic allows.

I was going to say is it possible for your DS to go to school?

Was your DH like this pre lockdown? What did he do before golf was allowed?

I assume he didn’t make dinner tonight but expected you to do it when you got back

He’d go mad if I just left and went out. Absolutely insanely cross

I would go absolutely insanely cross right back at him! He's knows you're struggling, he just doesn't give a shit about your feelings and wellbeing.

He's really worn you down hasn't he? But he's not going to change out the kindness of his heart - you need to take some control here. Or things will never change. He is a parent and a husband but he's behaving like a teenager!

Lay down new rules. He takes the kids on one of those days off and gives you a lie in. Every week. Or he can fuck off.

If you break up with him, childcare would be split. You've get every weekend to yourself - at least. Something to think about!

Split up and go for 50 / 50 childcare. You will get a break each week and he will have to look after them on his own.

I’d miss them desperately if I lost them 50% of the time, I just want a day here and there and when ds is at school and dd at preschool it’s ok. It’s just right now, it has been weeks and I’m shattered.

Dh always plays golf on a Saturday and usually two evenings a week in the summer. He has always done this. I make plans with my parents, and no long consider dh when making weekend arrangements as to what I’m doing with the children.

But golf was stopped initially on lockdown, so what did he do then?

When are you able to do a child free hobby? Have you asked him that?

Ok well maybe make plans for you alone to see parents and make some days your own such as other weekend day and evenings maybe go to a friends or something, join a book group?

Everyone needs something for themselves, or else you are pouring from an empty cup. Even more so with SN children.

He seems not to have any understanding of that. If you did split it might be something like alternate weekends and a night in the week perhaps

He seems very hypocritical with his family time, when he seems to spend most of his spare time away from the family.

What can sometimes work with these men, is basically and calmly to tell them if they don't like it, you are going. That can work

I feel so sorry for you, my DH plays golf, loves cycling, meeting his mates for a drink (pre Covid) in the pub etc etc but still managed to parent his own DC as they were growing up and give me plenty of time to myself (I was a SAHM) but needed DC free time & the opportunity to go out on my own, do my volunteering, meet friends ... just go and sit on a beach on my own.

I dint know what you will decide to do and it's obviously so much harder at the moment but your relationship seems very unbalanced.

he sounds terrible! you need time to yourself and the classic kids are so easy for you. if they're easy then he won't mind looking after them, take 11yo to play if they're hard work you deserve a break. he can't have it both ways.

how long would he hold it against you if once 4yo is in bed you announced you really need a quiet walk and just left.

Why do you think you would lose the children 50% of the time ? their father only sees them once a week now on a Sunday. Do you think he’s suddenly going to give up 3.5 days a week for them ?

How selfish of him, I’m so sorry 😐
I’d tell him family time on Sunday’s was on hold until things change.
My ex used to expect me to feel some kind of gratitude that he ‘babysat’ for me when I went to my second job (his dd!)
Honestly don’t know how some people can behave this way towards their own family x

I’m afraid you’ve married a cunt- pure and simple.

Ridiculous resending your children. He’s the problem. Get rid of him or lean to stand yo for yourself.

Jesus

What does him getting cross entail op? If he's just silly cross then tough shit. You NEED time out.

If it's abusive 'cross' then that's very different and you need to get yourself over to the leaving thread.

You're showing your kids that his behaviour is ok.

He is awful!!!

You wouldn't lose them 50% of the time, he does zero parenting now! I doubt he would even have them EOW if you split.

You are a family unit and both parents deserve equal leisure time without the DC!

He’d go mad if I just left and went out. Absolutely insanely cross

That's abusive and controlling.

What are his good points? Does he have any? Do you feel like a team? So far I can’t see any benefit to you in being in this relationship. He doesn’t value your input to the family and treats you like an employee. He sounds awful.

My DH has never been “cross” with me because I am not a child to be told off.

I would be seriously considering this relationship. I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Can your 11 year old return to school due to his SEN? It might be worth’s call to the school to find out if you haven’t tried up to now?

If looking after DC is your free time

Then it is his as well.

"Looking after DC is free time DH, enjoy your free time!"

And off you go for a day to yourself.

Idiotic bastard of a man