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Original poster

Can’t face mum’s funeral

67 replies

ZuzusPetaIs · 07/06/2020 23:52

My mum has passed away from Covid-19 and her funeral is next week. It’ll be social distancing with only ten allowed in the crematorium and we’ll all be wearing masks. This is totally fine as those attending and the staff from the undertakers (who are taking risks to provide funeral services) need as much protection as possible.

I’ve been dreading the bit when the curtain closes and don’t know how I’m going to cope with it. I’m dreading it so much more then I was when it was my dad’s funeral a few years ago - I don’t know if it’s because of Covid-19 and all the rules around funerals just now. We haven’t even been able to provide something for her to wear! There are also two younger adult family members (her grandchildren) who’ve never been to a funeral before and I’m also really worried about how they’re going to get through it.

I feel sick with anxiety!

OP posts:
AtLastEarwax · 07/06/2020 23:59

I have no advice but just wanted to give you ((hugs)) for your loss xoxoxoxo

Littlemix1 · 08/06/2020 00:13

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your able to get through the day as best you can. I imagine with lockdown it will hit you harder but all you can do is your best. Can the funeral home not make some arrangements for you to drop off an outfit or any items you want to include? xxxxxxx

Cheesypea · 08/06/2020 00:20

Im so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away last month covid was listed on the death cert. The funeral did pass and you know it wasn't what I'd ever imagined but it was ok. It provided the closure I needed. You will get through this I promise Flowers

PerkingFaintly · 08/06/2020 00:22

Oh I'm so sorry. Have a handhold.Flowers

just1think2 · 08/06/2020 00:22

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this Thanks
If this helps you can change the part where the curtains close to remain open, when my mum passed away we had the curtains closed and it was very difficult, so when my gran passed we decided to leave them open.. Thanks

RedRec · 08/06/2020 00:23

Hi OP, sorry for your loss.
You can opt to have the curtains left open if you would prefer it that way (am assuming this is still the same in Covid times). Might make that one aspect of it a little easier for you?
All the very best to you Flowers

RedRec · 08/06/2020 00:24

... cross posted with just1think2 ...

123rd · 08/06/2020 00:25

I'm sorry op. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Is it the actually curtains closing that is part of the dread? Could they be left open and you all file past whilst they remain open?

Original poster
ZuzusPetaIs · 08/06/2020 00:26

@Littlemix1 Can the funeral home not make some arrangements for you to drop off an outfit or any items you want to include? No, because it was Covid, she has to wear a robe that they will provide. We’re not allowed to see her either.

OP posts:
Bridecilla · 08/06/2020 00:28

I'm so sorry for your loss. My aunt always hated the curtains closing so we had them left open. Same at my cousins.

Littlemix1 · 08/06/2020 00:31

Aw I'm sorry to hear that. Can't imagine how hard that must be

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 08/06/2020 00:32

I’m so very sorry about your mum Flowers

Like you, my mam couldn’t manage the closing of the curtains with my granda. I think it was too ‘final’ for her.

We left them open and had my granda’s favourite song playing as we left.

Contact the funeral home. I’m sure (if they can in these times) that they will be able to help with regards to your mum’s outfit.

Thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
ZuzusPetaIs · 08/06/2020 00:35

@just1think2 @RedRec @123rd I’d thought about that, but other family members would prefer them to close as it’s kinda symbolic of the point where she leaves (if you know what I mean). I probably need to see this as well so that I can reflect on it later. I’m just dreading the moment it happens.

I think part of my anxiety is that I don’t really know what to expect from a funeral in these times - stupid things like how the chairs will be organised and what we’re all going to do at the end. I think I’ll give the funeral director a call tomorrow with my list of “daft” questions.

OP posts:
schoolsoutforcovid · 08/06/2020 00:44

No question is daft OP

Sorry to hear about your mum

DamnYankee · 08/06/2020 00:51

I am so sorry.
My mother died pre-Covid.
Her death was sudden and due to shock, we missed our flight (out of state) and could not do the final viewing of her body. Grateful in hindsight.
Sorry so blunt, but I am not sure what the "curtains closing" means - do funeral homes allow you to see the body as it is passed into the fire?
All I remember about Mom's funeral was seeing the rosewood box that contained her ashes on the steps of the altar and wondering "Is that her? That's all there is?"
Planning a funeral right now...? So stressful. Positive waves to you and your family.

DamnYankee · 08/06/2020 00:53

I think I’ll give the funeral director a call tomorrow with my list of “daft” questions

^ Do this. Not remotely daft.

Wingedharpy · 08/06/2020 01:07

Condolences for your loss OP.

Do you "have" to go to it?

I went to my DM's funeral, though I really didn't want to, but I went because I knew my Dad just wouldn't understand if I hadn't.

When he died, 2 years after DM, I didn't go to his - and I haven't been to one since.

People talk about needing closure etc etc, but for me, I feel much better without the funeral ritual.

I can cope with my own grief, but not everyone else's.

We're all different though, so you should do what works for you.

Original poster
ZuzusPetaIs · 08/06/2020 09:42

Thanks for all your comments - they’re really helpful. @Wingedharpy it probably sounds strange, but I want to go. I feel like I want to be with her as we say goodbye.

OP posts:
SoftBlocks · 08/06/2020 09:44

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 08/06/2020 10:44

I am so sorry for your loss @ZuzusPetals. My heart goes out to you and to everyone going to a very different funeral in the current pandemic.

You probably are dreading the curtains closing precisely because you know it will be a final goodbye to your mum. It also represents that you no longer have any parents. It is awful, it's a day to get through as best as you can.

In terms of the grandchildren, if they are too young to fully understand then it shouldn't have a detrimental effect on them, and if they are old enough to fully understand then they are old enough to deal with it. Sadly, we can't shield children forever from the sadness of death. Age-appropriate talks and honestly will get them through.

So sorry for all you are going through. Flowers

salemcat · 08/06/2020 11:00

My mother died right at the start of covid restrictions, as we were isolating no one was allowed to go to her funeral, we couldnt get flowers, the director had to register her death etc as I have no more blood family left, so I dont really think it has sunk in properly yet.
Funeral director was amazing, they called loads & talked me through everything, no questions were too silly for them to answer.

Sending all my prayers x

Bloatstoat · 08/06/2020 11:01

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Flowers
It's never an easy thing to lose a loved one but these present times and the rules around funerals do seem to make it especially hard.
My grandmother died in April and we had her funeral early in May. I wasn't able to attend in person due to the limits on numbers, but I just wanted to let you know the service at the crematorium was (as much as these things can be!) really lovely - we were still able to chose music and a poem to read and have a short eulogy even with the time restrictions, the service didn't feel rushed at all and was a lovely tribute to her. The funeral directors and the crematorium staff were brilliant and helpful during the planning, so do ask yours any questions you have. Our service was in a small room with pews/benches as seating, households sat together in a pew leaving a row between them. Because I was on the video link, I saw in-between services the staff quickly and efficiently disinfecting all seating etc but my mum who attention person wasn't aware of this so it was all done very discreetly. Everyone wore a mask except the person leading the ceremony who was distanced at the front, and people reading/speaking, but distancing was maintained throughout. I hope this helps give you a sense of how the practicalities worked for us, feel free to ask anything else.

ShaniaPayne · 08/06/2020 11:13

There are no 'daft' questions about funerals - it's not something any of us have much experience in arranging until it's suddenly thrust upon us at the absolute worst time. I'm very sorry for your loss.

The curtains at my DF's funeral wouldn't close (electrical fault at the crem) so the vicar stayed with the coffin until everyone had filed out. Somehow that little act of dignity made it easier to part - we weren't leaving him alone.

do funeral homes allow you to see the body as it is passed into the fire? Just to answer this - I was reassured by the funeral director at my DF's funeral that when the curtains close after the ceremony is over, the coffin is moved back on the rollers into an ante room behind the hall. It doesn't go straight into a roaring incinerator that you'd otherwise see, were the curtains not shut.

ParkheadParadise · 08/06/2020 11:23

Sorry for your loss @ZuzusPetaIs
Having to plan a funeral during covid must be a nightmare.
When my dd died 4 yrs ago we couldn't see her before the funeral, I was devastated. The funeral Director arranged for me to sit with her closed coffin. I know you wouldn't be able to do that.
Speak to the funeral Director I'm sure they will be able to help you with any questions you have.

Vodkafairy75 · 08/06/2020 12:43

Sorry for your loss Zuzus

This is a really shit time to lose someone Flowers. My Dad died just a few weeks ago, was cancer and like you we weren’t allowed to provide clothes for him either. Just had to go as he was with a robe.

With the curtain closing you can request it not to happen, I hate seeing it close too as it just seems so final. Our crematorium was closed for funeral services at the time so it was held at the chapel at the funeral home. He then went up by hearse to be cremated without us. Is this something that you could do instead? It was actually a really nice service and I think I preferred it to other funerals that I’ve been to at the crematorium. Apparently our local crematorium no longer has the curtain as I’m guessing a lot of people didn’t like it either.

Take care xx