Can’t face mum’s funeral

[ZuzusPetaIs]

My mum has passed away from Covid-19 and her funeral is next week. It’ll be social distancing with only ten allowed in the crematorium and we’ll all be wearing masks. This is totally fine as those attending and the staff from the undertakers (who are taking risks to provide funeral services) need as much protection as possible.

I’ve been dreading the bit when the curtain closes and don’t know how I’m going to cope with it. I’m dreading it so much more then I was when it was my dad’s funeral a few years ago - I don’t know if it’s because of Covid-19 and all the rules around funerals just now. We haven’t even been able to provide something for her to wear! There are also two younger adult family members (her grandchildren) who’ve never been to a funeral before and I’m also really worried about how they’re going to get through it.

I feel sick with anxiety!

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Noworrieshere thank you - it’s appreciated.

[Noworrieshere]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3264486-crematorium-technician-here?pg=1

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Noworrieshere thank you for highlighting that thread. I’ve looked on AMA and also MN Classics but can’t find anything. Do you have a link?

[maggiso]

I am so sorry. If it is the curtain closing that you fear, as others have said you can leave the curtain open. some of us put a flower on my mothers coffin ( pre covid) as we left. I do not know if that would be allowed but it gave me something to do. My Aunt died a couple of weeks ago and of course we could not attend in person, so it is very difficult, but it was a slight comfort to see my cousin smile at the slide show.
Talk to the funeral staff or celebrant and see what they suggest to keep the service suitable for the grandchildren. It’s hard loosing your mother.

[Noworrieshere]

I'm sorry about your mum. Sounds like you had a lovely service for her.

It's too late now but there's a lovely thread in Classics where someone who works at a crematorium answered questions, I think afrer that thread the Ask Me Anything board started because it was so popular. She explained so many things in such a caring way. You might still find it comforting to read, I know I did.

[Jellybean27]

Sorry for your loss OP, glad to read you got through it okay.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

Just to finish things off, mum’s funeral was today and, despite the circumstances (limited because of lockdown), it was truly amazing and I feel we’ve done her proud. After discussing with others in the family whether or not we should close the curtains during the service or wait til afterwards, we decided just to close them during it. It was absolutely fine. I think the comments made by other PPs about the coffin not going into the furnace immediately helped. I realise that it would’ve happened in the 30 mins to an hour afterwards, but I just didn’t want to think of it happening when we were still there.

It’s over for our family and my mum now, but I’m acutely aware that others have still to go through this, both during lockdown and during normal times. Please, please, please contact me if you’re in this position and need someone to talk to.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@DamnYankee yes, indeed, good old Clarence!

[ZuzusPetaIs]

Thanks for all your posts. A friend of mine who died in January (pre-Covid) opted for a direct cremation as his wife was very ill and would have really struggled to go, so he took the pressure off of her by pre-arranging everything himself.

We’ve been luckier than some folk during this crisis as we’ve had the choice to have a direct cremation or a more regular service (although with only ten attending). If choose a direct one, then that’s absolutely fine but I feel bad for those not given the choice because of the lockdown changes.

I’m not a particularly sociable/small talk type of person and don’t really enjoy gatherings, so not being able to have a get together afterwards is probably going to suit me. I’m feeling a lot better about it now, partly thanks to all the supportive and informative comments on this thread. It’ll be a very difficult day and an extremely horrendous half an hour or so, but I guess it’d be much more of a concern if I wasn’t that bothered about it! My dread and anxiety are only natural.

[Jennyie1]

@eaglejulesk I've only just recently written that I wish for a direct cremation in my will.

Although a ceremony/service etc gives loved ones the last chance to say goodbye and pay their respects, in turn I don't want the ones saying goodbye to me to have to go through that couple of hours of misery. I find it so unnecessary.

[Jennyie1]

@ZuzusPetaIs

Also, I meant to say, you can ask for the curtains to stay open usually. If that might make you feel better.

I do see how the curtains closing can add to the trauma of it all, I sort of see it as quite panto like (sorry my mind works in mysterious ways) it's not really necessary is it?

Take care x

[eaglejulesk]

Whoops - posted too quickly!

I'm very sorry for your loss OP, and hope it isn't as bad as you imagine

[eaglejulesk]

@Wingedharpy - I know just what you mean. I don't mind attending funerals but when my DM suddenly died earlier this year I opted for a direct cremation. I don't feel I need any form of closure and would rather deal with my grief privately. No regrets.

[ineedaholidaynow]

When my DF died a couple of years ago we put his favourite hat, which he wore on his daily walk, on top of his coffin. We then were able to keep the hat afterwards. I know it is not the same as having your DM dressed in something special, but is there anything personal that you can have on or by the coffin.

I am sorry for your loss

[SudokuBook]

I’m so sorry

[MrsCollinssettled]

Lost my father recently (not Covid). We were told by another patient's relatives that if the person was wearing any jewellery (e.g wedding ring) that it had to be removed before death as no one was allowed to touch bodies to remove jewellery or change clothes. The hospital confirmed that when we queried it.

We had a direct cremation as my mother couldn't drive herself there and no one could take her without breaking social distancing. The restrictions would have meant deciding which siblings could and couldn't attend so we are having a celebration of his life later instead. The FD did give us a video which showed they did do everything we asked. For us it was the best option.

Thinking of you. You have no idea how difficult it is at the moment unless you experience it

[DamnYankee]

@ZuzusPetaIs

Hope you are doing all right...
Don't forget to eat. Or stay hydrated.
You've got to love "It's a Wonderful Life", right?
"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings..."
Hearing a bell right now!

[Grandmi]

Can I just reassure you that the actual cremation does not happen immediately after the service. I cannot imagine how awful it is to not hug your family and friends when you feel so desperately sad ...we are experiencing the most horrible times and I can only send you my deepest sympathy 💐💕💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@ispepsiokay you’ve no idea how that has made me feel. It’s very comforting to know that someone will be chatting to her right up until the end. Thank you so much 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Jennyie1 I think you’re right in that we did all we could for my mum to make her feel comfortable and with someone at all time in the last few days. She had a family visit every day whilst living in the care home right up until lockdown. What we did when she was alive is what counts. I’m so sorry for your own loss 💐

[ispepsiokay]

Zuzus I'm so sorry for your loss.

There was a post on here (I think it was on here) from a MN that worked in a crematorium that brought me so much peace after the death of my mum. They described how they talk to the person and say goodbye and wish them the best following the funeral service, it made me feel better knowing that someone was with her right until the very final stage. Sending you strength

[SirVixofVixHall]

As pps have said, you don’t have to have the coffin disappear behind curtains. When DH’s Dad was cremated, they just left the coffin in place as everyone left the room.
I am so sorry that you can’t even give clothes for your Mum, it really is so bleak and distressing at such a terrible time anyway.
They can’t dress her , but can they put something in with her ? A small thing from you ?
Funeral directors are there to guide you through the process, so do call and ask them anything that you aren’t certain of, or need help or support with.
I am so sorry you have lost your Mum.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Aurorie11 what you did sounds lovely. I hope you’re starting to feel a bit better - it’s a rubbish time 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@trappedsincesundaymorn the idea of a memorial when this is all over is a lovely one. I hope you are finding comfort from friends and family until then. 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite thanks for that - it’s helping. I think you’re right in that it’ll vary between one crematorium and another, but the one thing they seem to have in common is an ante room. 💐