Can’t face mum’s funeral

[ZuzusPetaIs]

My mum has passed away from Covid-19 and her funeral is next week. It’ll be social distancing with only ten allowed in the crematorium and we’ll all be wearing masks. This is totally fine as those attending and the staff from the undertakers (who are taking risks to provide funeral services) need as much protection as possible.

I’ve been dreading the bit when the curtain closes and don’t know how I’m going to cope with it. I’m dreading it so much more then I was when it was my dad’s funeral a few years ago - I don’t know if it’s because of Covid-19 and all the rules around funerals just now. We haven’t even been able to provide something for her to wear! There are also two younger adult family members (her grandchildren) who’ve never been to a funeral before and I’m also really worried about how they’re going to get through it.

I feel sick with anxiety!

[okiedokieme]

I can help with a few parts. I've organised 5 covid funerals (church but had to use crem). Here the chairs are set as normal, they ask you to space on a poster but nothing is said. Increased to 30 people recently if the chapel is large enough . They don't close here, they lower the coffin out of sight. Clothes are possible but must be dropped off 72 hours ahead.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

"do funeral homes allow you to see the body as it is passed into the fire?"

"Just to answer this - I was reassured by the funeral director at my DF's funeral that when the curtains close after the ceremony is over, the coffin is moved back on the rollers into an ante room behind the hall. It doesn't go straight into a roaring incinerator that you'd otherwise see, were the curtains not shut."
I agree that a coffin does not go directly into an incinerator in any crematoriums. However, the FD can only told you what happens at your specific crematorium re: the ante room. At my local crematorium, the coffin goes down into a room below. The casket flowers are removed and given back to the FD to put with the other flowers displayed outside for the deceased and the coffin is then transferred into its individual incinerator/furnace.

[ShaniaPayne]

Yes, of course, the information I was given was specific to the crematorium I was attending - I should have made that clear - but I just wanted to reassure the poster that the curtains aren't there to disguise something upsetting that you'd otherwise see.

[Cornishbelle]

[Nearlyoldenoughtowearpurple]

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
My lovely dad died a few years ago, we knew he was dying and I knew I wouldn’t be able to face his funeral. I did everything I could for him while he was ill, arranged the funeral, chose the casket, flowers, reading etc but I didn’t go. I explained why to close family members and the rest I didn’t care what they thought. I have never regretted not going.
I see you want to go though and it’s different for you as I had a proper chance to say goodbye. Just wanted to say if you can’t face it, don’t feel you will always regret it ( as people told me I would )
Agree with the curtains, I think that’s the worst bit and maybe leaving them open would help. We were given the choice by the crematorium and chose to leave them open, no one commented about that at all.
Hope it goes as well as it can For you

[trappedsincesundaymorn]

Oh OP

I was in exactly the same position as you are now, back in April. We kept the curtains open and left dad in there on his own for a couple of minutes so he could say his goodbye with dignity. It's a nightmare dealing with everybody over the phone and makes it very surreal.

We asked the undertakers to put a much loved photo in with her which they agreed to do as it did not involve any physical touch, but like you we couldn't have her in her favourite outfit.

We are having a "celebration of life" gathering when it's allowed as only my dad, sister and myself were able to attend the cremation service, as it was immediate family only, so no eulogy or stories of her life, because we knew all that anyway so that will happen at the gathering. We are also having the same celebrant and music. For us her cremation was the legal formality the"real" send off will happen when everyone can be together.

There is nothing anybody can say or do to make this time easier. Losing somebody you love is awful in "normal" times but the loss is amplified at the moment because all the usual expressions of support (hugs, being together etc.), are denied to us. Talk about your mum with others that knew her, share memories and take a small crumb of comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in this, although you will certainly think you are.

[TheQueef]

Sorry to hear of your loss Zuzus

[Silversun83]

So sorry for your loss, @ZuzusPetaIs

My mum died in April (though from progression of dementia) and I was also really dreading it for similar reasons.

But it surprisingly didn't feel that strange. And in a way, there only being 8 of us took some of the pressure off. It was actually quite nice, also cathartic as it was the first time I'd cried properly.

The younger family members will be okay. I was 18 when I attended my first funeral (also grandmother). I don't remember too much, perhaps just that I wasn't sure what was going on some of the time, so make sure they know what to expect.

[Hangingwithmygnomies]

I'm so sorry for your loss We had my Grandad's funeral late March, the first week of lockdown and we were only allowed 5 people in the chapel for the service. I won't lie, it's not nice to not be able to comfort/have comfort from someone if you're the only one from your household. The pews were taped off for every other row and the different households were at opposite ends of the pews to keep social distance. I hope all goes well for you

[Aurorie11]

My mum.died of Covid six weeks ago.
We chose a sheet of her favourite colour to go over her, she died in her sleep so was in a nightlife.
Her grandchildren wrote letters to her to say goodbye and they went in the coffin with her.
A funeral of 10 is intimate, it all seems to be over with very quickly with no wake.
Good luck xx

[helpfulperson]

I can almost guarantee that no question you can come up with to ask the funeral director will be one they havent answered before. They are the experts. Explain to them what your concerns are and they will help with suggestions.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@salemcat that must have been truly awful dealing with everything under all the first wave of lockdown restrictions when things were really tight. We were able to visit my mum in the care home as she was “end of life” and we were given the use of an overnight guest room. We’ve been able to choose flowers and the coffin - sounds silly, but it was good to get to choose a nice willow eco-coffin. The funeral director has been very good. I hope you’re coping ok.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Bloatstoat I’m so sorry you weren’t able to attend the funeral - it must’ve been awful. Thanks for sharing so much information on the practicalities. I spoke with the funeral director today and it’ll be single chairs spaced out and folk from the same household can bring theirs together inside, so I’ll be able to be beside DH.

I hope you’re staring to feel better 💐

[cakeandchampagne]

So sorry for the loss of your mum.
However you react, everyone will understand you are grieving.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@ShaniaPayne thank you for the info on the coffin not going straight in. I think that was one of the fears I had........ I’ve been avoiding looking at stuff on the internet as I don’t want to read anything that I can’t then “unread”, but I’ve come across what you’ve said a few times in recent days. Although I know that she’s going to be cremated, it somehow was disturbing me that it would happen as soon as the curtains closed, so your post has given me some comfort. 💐

[Jennyie1]

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum.

My Dad died at the end of April, of cancer but had also contracted COVID in his final few days in a hospice.

Where we live it was 15 at the crematorium. We couldn't have him dressed either. We couldn't have pall bearers either, he was wheeled into the chapel.

Don't dwell on that kind of stuff. I do feel we gave my Dad the goodbye he deserved though, it was intimate, respectful and I don't feel really like we were robbed of anything major.

It would just have been nice to have a couple of drinks etc with wider family and friends afterwards but that's for our benefit, not theirs.

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Vodkafairy75 I’m so sorry you had to go through that right at the start of lockdown when things were a lot tighter/restrictive than they are now. I hope you’re ok although it’ll still be very raw for you 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite thanks for that - it’s helping. I think you’re right in that it’ll vary between one crematorium and another, but the one thing they seem to have in common is an ante room. 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@trappedsincesundaymorn the idea of a memorial when this is all over is a lovely one. I hope you are finding comfort from friends and family until then. 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Aurorie11 what you did sounds lovely. I hope you’re starting to feel a bit better - it’s a rubbish time 💐

[SirVixofVixHall]

As pps have said, you don’t have to have the coffin disappear behind curtains. When DH’s Dad was cremated, they just left the coffin in place as everyone left the room.
I am so sorry that you can’t even give clothes for your Mum, it really is so bleak and distressing at such a terrible time anyway.
They can’t dress her , but can they put something in with her ? A small thing from you ?
Funeral directors are there to guide you through the process, so do call and ask them anything that you aren’t certain of, or need help or support with.
I am so sorry you have lost your Mum.

[ispepsiokay]

Zuzus I'm so sorry for your loss.

There was a post on here (I think it was on here) from a MN that worked in a crematorium that brought me so much peace after the death of my mum. They described how they talk to the person and say goodbye and wish them the best following the funeral service, it made me feel better knowing that someone was with her right until the very final stage. Sending you strength

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@Jennyie1 I think you’re right in that we did all we could for my mum to make her feel comfortable and with someone at all time in the last few days. She had a family visit every day whilst living in the care home right up until lockdown. What we did when she was alive is what counts. I’m so sorry for your own loss 💐

[ZuzusPetaIs]

@ispepsiokay you’ve no idea how that has made me feel. It’s very comforting to know that someone will be chatting to her right up until the end. Thank you so much 💐

[Grandmi]

Can I just reassure you that the actual cremation does not happen immediately after the service. I cannot imagine how awful it is to not hug your family and friends when you feel so desperately sad ...we are experiencing the most horrible times and I can only send you my deepest sympathy 💐💕💐