How do you juggle childcare and working from home if your partner works, too?

[SoCloseToLosingIt]

If you have small children and both parents need to work from home, how do you do it?

We are taking turns: in the morning one looks after the kids while the other works, and viceversa in the afternoon. After putting the kids to bed, we both always have work to catch up on.

Surely we are not the only ones in this situation - how are other people managing it?

It is destroying us, but we can see no alternatives.

Taking days off would be worse because we would have more work to catch up on afterwards.

Part-time is not an option. It is not offered explicitly and, judging from the experience of colleagues who did it in the past, you risk getting 50% of the pay for 80% of the work.

We can't resign. We need the jobs. If we were sure everything will go back to normal in 3 months, we could even consider some kind of unpaid leave for a short period of time, but, with so much uncertainty, it seems wiser and more prudent to hold on to the jobs we have.

We have a nanny, that we continue to pay, but she is not coming - we feel making her come would be against government guidelines and common sense, because it would mean sharing the lockdown with her and her family, and I am not sure we can trust her entire family is behaving sensibly.

I don't know how much longer we can go on, to be honest. One more month like this might be manageable, but any longer would be a huge challenge. I strongly hope a softer lockdown will come, where maybe offices remain closed but at least the nanny can come (she can drive to ours).

Of course in a crisis like this everything must be put into context: we do appreciate how incredibly lucky we are that we continue receiving our salaries, and for office jobs which can be done from home - we are not risking our lives with no PPE or anything like that. But I was curious to hear from other people in similar situations.

Single parent to 10 year old and 7 year old. I have two days a week of no work where I give them endless attention, a bit of school work and lots of fun stuff, there days they are with their dad and I work from home then two days of attempting to work from home and look after them and it’s bloody impossible!! They do no school work, can’t play nicely together and end up being constantly on screens and I hate it: they used to spend a lot of time with grandparents, with friends or at after school clubs and now they are hanging about bored on screens those two days :( I need my job as I’m soley responsible for paying my mortgage etc

Much the same as everyone here, I am trying to wfh full time and home school. DH is a key worker and also full time. Has had some leave recently so that’s helped.

Feel like I’m trying to do everything and achieving nothing.

Thank you for this thread!
We are in this situation and know very few others who are. We are doing shifts - husband in the morning and me in the afternoon, and then evenings and weekends as needed. It's not really working on woke days as I get lots of meetings put in the morning (it's marked that I am not available) not attending is an option but then there's there's a consequence to that.

We are both knackered. I worked most of Saturday. I worry my son (4) isn't getting enough of our time. We do manage a 40 min walk as a family at lunchtime.

I am tired of seeing photos of people have tonnes of fun on their lockdown and I am tired of getting advice from people where one parent doesn't work. Sorry. Feeling a bit bitter.

To be honest, we're both struggling a bit.

things we do

We bought an enormous whiteboard where we mark up our meetings and DD's routine (breakfast, free play, TV, craft, Spanish (husband speaks it), reading, writing, drawing, snack garden, scoot around the block etc.).

My husband and I avoid meeting conflicts where at all possible.

She watches MUCH more TV than usual.

We sort of tag-team all day, largely in meetings/calls, and then do our actual work between 8 and 11pm when she's in bed.

It's hellish.

I just wish I knew when it'd go back to 'normal' so I could count down the days.

I tell myself we'll look back on these days with fondness. But right now I feel like a sub-par employee and a sub-par parent.

9 and 5 yr old. My husband earns a lot more than me, is sort of his own boss and not feeling the pressure at all - he's doing most the cooking and childcare so helping a lot, but I have to do a lot too but on top of my role where I need to seem present all the time.

I earn a lot less but have to log every hour I work, so I'm working my core hours as usual and doing stuff in the evening that I don't manage during core hours due to the kids. Result is I'm working around the clock and feel so anxious all the time.

I tried saying to him maybe I should take some unpaid leave for the sake of my mental health (we are saving on his train tickets so wouldn't affect us too much) and he was all 'but it's fine I can look after the kids' and didn't get the sheer levels of anxiety I'm feeling at all.

I know we're 'lucky' to be working but I was already stressed from my job. Honestly in my situation furlough would be better and I could actually enjoy being with the children instead of fobbing them off all day long.

I am really struggling with a toddler and like you we have to work shifts - my toddler wakes up at stupidly early o’clock at which point I get up to look after her the oh starts work...then we switch over in the afternoon and I work late. It’s hell...I’m struggling to eat properly because by the time I’m finished work it’s too late to cook, my oh is exhausted and has to make up hours at the weekend...our house is a state it’s so hard to keep on top of without the cleaner...it was hard before but worse now.

I was working on Friday night and just ended up crying at my desk for an hour because I was so tired and there’s no let up...I work with mainly blokes who have partners at home that work part time or not at all and feel I really stand out as not pulling my weight if I slack off and in turn I worry about my job security...

I’ve become so anxious about all the news and keeping up with my job and being a good mum that I can’t sleep at night ...not helped by the fact I work late now and can’t switch my mind off.

I feel awful and I have a few days where I feel I’m coping really well then the next I am just a crying mess and I am starting to withdraw into myself because I’m so bloody tired and miserable all the time.

Im hearing about people having zoom wine catch up with friends etc and I have no time for any of that and I’m starting to feel really lonely

The only good thing in all of this is getting more time with dd and she seems really happy so I just have to hold it together for her.

Just wanted to say thank you for this thread - I’ve been in denial about how difficult this is but it really sucks.

Massive solidarity to everyone on this thread! DH and I both work FT and have DCs 7 and 2.5. It's awful. I feel like a crap mum every single day. DH's workload has decreased due to the pandemic but mine is still the same. So thankfully he doesn't need to be chained to his laptop all day. My work are being understanding but again like lots of PPs I am one of the only people on my team who has young children and I have been frustrated a few times by pointless emails and Zoom calls where people just sit chatting and wasting time. DH and I are just swapping who is dealing with the kids throughout the day but it is very hard as the 2yo needs supervising all the time (he's on a pretty mischievous and sometimes destructive stage) and the 7yo wants supervising all the time. Schoolwork is a huge battle; he wants someone to sit with him and be available at all times and he's also terrible at playing alone so won't really do that either. Before lockdown we were looking into assessment for him; he fits the profile for ADHD in a big way. When the kids are together there is a lot of fighting. I just keep crying. Yesterday I felt so down. I can't wait for things to change.

Thanks for the thread
Also 2 DC and feeling pretty glum

Lots of “look after yourself” from work but at the same time “keep selling” and we have reviews and that is just the icing on the cake, trying to do 20+ performance reviews at the same time as keeping the day job juggling and the kids

School seems to have ramped up more this week and trying to get a usually well motivated DC1 to do it has been slow work

Tired. I had planned a week off end of May but not sure I will get that far

It’s nice too see people in the same situation.
I have a 5 year old (with SN) and a just turned three year old, they are at a similar developmental age so you can’t take your eyes off them for a minute.
I work downstairs my husband works upstairs and the kids run up and down the stairs, we start work at 6am, there is absolutely no routine and the house is a tip as no one has time to sort it apart from trying to tidy the surface mess everyday.
I am underperforming in all aspects of life and if one person tells me to enjoy this extra time as a family, I may scream.
My son started school last September and he is delayed but I feel I’m failing him as he was beginning to make slow progress but getting him to sit down at all is an impossible task in itself, unfortunately I am in a very active school WhatsApp group who like to constantly post every amazing thing they have done that day.
It’s a totally crap situation and different for everyone, there seems to be no solution except for accepting this is life for a while.
My son is also on the extremely vulnerable list, we are shielding and there has been talk of us having to remain isolated for the rest of the year or until a vaccine is found.

Thanks for the thread - I have been struggling since the start of lockdown and there is some comfort knowing I'm not alone. I've got 2 boys - 4 and 15 month, wfh full time and DH is a keyworker. Couldn't get place at school as they said no if one parent can be at home and the nursery is closed. It's been a nightmare and I've had several days of 'not coping'. I feel like I'm not able to do any sort of quality work and there is still pressure to perform. I've just been honest with work about things and they are understanding and trying to be flexible with me as much as possible. It really is a struggle for parents especially with younger ones as they just need c

We take the childcare in shifts of around an hour while the other works then put a shift in during lunch nap and often after bedtime unfortunately. No other way if both are to get to work!! Not ideal.

Sorry sent too soon and don't know how to edit! They need constant attention so working is just impossible. I'm just struggling through the weeks now in the hope that Nursery will reopen soon.

Same as @Yurona and @Breadandroses1.

One DS (9), we spilt the day into chunks and do what we can plus home schooling/exercise. Both ok, but both had enough. DS having more screen time than I would like - and it's raining heavily today so it's going to be a long one.

I'm trying to wrte up my PhD but just as I get stuck in it's time to swap shifts. By 9pm I am falling asleep.

Really hoping schools open again in June, even if just staggering the times they go in.

@Makirocks23 I came off all the school groups, too stressful. I had competitive parenting and it was getting out of control.

Have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. One of us will start work at 6am, we swap at about 12.30, then the other works into the evening. Admittedly I am about an hour down on my work time each day, but fortunate enough to work for a flexible company that is isn't hour counting, and as long as I am productive is happy. It sucks in general, and there have been a couple of times where clashing meetings have made it interesting, but in general we are getting through. Have accepted that TV time is much more liberal than it was before.

We're in the exact same position as the OP. It's a bit brutal! Been working most evenings & weekends. But at least we save 2 hours commute, and I reckon an hour of pointless meetings/chat in the office.

We're using screen time strategically to make sure important calls aren't interrupted, and to be fair people are understanding if they are, not that the overall volume of work drops.

Impressed at so many of you wfh with your DC. I’m a teacher and currently at our school we are opening for 7 children, some siblings, when their parents are wfh. They say they are not allowed to have the DC at home while they work.

@Greenpop21 under normal circumstances we wouldn’t be allowed to have the kids at home while working, but these aren’t normal circumstances

Same as OP and other posters - with great difficulty and it's exhausting. Also feel bad for DC as don't feel like I'm giving the attention they could have.

What can anyone do.

We have 2 dc, 9&5. Dh and I are both expected to work our usual hours from home. He is full time, I am 3 days per week, but I can't get a long day in at the same time as dh is working so I am spreading it over 5 days. I get to the end of most days feeling like my head is going to explode.

It just feels like a totally impossible task, but one that we are expected to achieve nonetheless

What I love is when you say you are finding it tough and the kids are spending too much time in front of the screen.

And they you get the comments- 'don't worry about formal education- bake with them, garden, have fun outdoors, go for a nature walk etc etc.

How the FUCK do you do that? When you are sitting in front of a laptop for 8 hours?

I'm depressed that it'll mean women give up jobs or take a professional nosedive if it goes on for long.

3yo and nearly 1yo here, and two jobs (I'm p/t). DH expected to work his hours as normal. I'm fitting in what I can, my employer is more understanding.

We're expected to fit this profile of workers who keep caring responsibilities secret, it's bullshit. Tbh going on like this for long will make people ill. There's more mess, meals and laundry to sort too.

There should be some kind of discrimination protection for people who have to be a bit crap because they're working two jobs simultaneously.

Same as many we're splitting mornings and afternoons. Passing toddler DD back and forth every couple of hours when either of us had meetings etc wasn't working. I'm on mat leave in 5 weeks and hitting my agreed targets before then is a distant dream. My 'evening' time for working is maybe an hour before bed. My DH gets up very early every day to start. We're both exhausted, and I can't keep it up for much longer being so pregnant! My work are actually really understanding but I know there's a limit and I just hope I have a job to go back to. How any lone parent manages is beyond me! On the plus side spending more time with my little girl before her new brother arrives is a joy (mostly) and I have found I can make anything out of cardboard boxes - skills I didn't know I had!

Also, a few months of this and THEN getting CV, esp if kids are sick too - it's going to be harder to survive it, to be frank. Parents will already be worn down.

No idea what I do with two kids under 4 if DH and I are really ill for weeks.