How do you juggle childcare and working from home if your partner works, too?

[SoCloseToLosingIt]

If you have small children and both parents need to work from home, how do you do it?

We are taking turns: in the morning one looks after the kids while the other works, and viceversa in the afternoon. After putting the kids to bed, we both always have work to catch up on.

Surely we are not the only ones in this situation - how are other people managing it?

It is destroying us, but we can see no alternatives.

Taking days off would be worse because we would have more work to catch up on afterwards.

Part-time is not an option. It is not offered explicitly and, judging from the experience of colleagues who did it in the past, you risk getting 50% of the pay for 80% of the work.

We can't resign. We need the jobs. If we were sure everything will go back to normal in 3 months, we could even consider some kind of unpaid leave for a short period of time, but, with so much uncertainty, it seems wiser and more prudent to hold on to the jobs we have.

We have a nanny, that we continue to pay, but she is not coming - we feel making her come would be against government guidelines and common sense, because it would mean sharing the lockdown with her and her family, and I am not sure we can trust her entire family is behaving sensibly.

I don't know how much longer we can go on, to be honest. One more month like this might be manageable, but any longer would be a huge challenge. I strongly hope a softer lockdown will come, where maybe offices remain closed but at least the nanny can come (she can drive to ours).

Of course in a crisis like this everything must be put into context: we do appreciate how incredibly lucky we are that we continue receiving our salaries, and for office jobs which can be done from home - we are not risking our lives with no PPE or anything like that. But I was curious to hear from other people in similar situations.

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

My son is 3, hes having so much screen time atm while my partner and I work I honestly feel terrible about it. The rest of my team is now furloughed so I'm sole representitive goin forward, i'm really stressed. We do keep weekends free to do lots of fun stuff with him though.

[Honsandrebels]

@ludicrouslemons I agree and worry that too few employers/the government are not factoring in that it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to care for kids plus work simultaneously. If it was possible, surely our employers would be happy for us to bring our kids to work with us once lockdown is over - no need for daycare!
I am furious, scared, worried this will fall on women overwhelmingly, and in the process of hassling my union who are being way too meek about it all.

[MaryShelley1818]

Me and DH are both wfh (I go out sometimes to complete home visits) and we just do our best.
We have a 2year old who is watching way too much tv and has such a long afternoon nap that he now doesn't go to sleep on a night until 10pm but such is life.
DH gets up and starts work at 6am so he can finish early, I'm used to distractions and manage fairly well typing/making calls etc while DS runs round me and builds Duplo towers. Very very lucky that DS just by nature is very happy independently playing.
Things that we're finding very difficult is watching a lot of other people do wonderful and creative things with their children, and I'm also in the middle of a degree and studying with DS playing is impossible so that takes up evenings and weekends instead of being able to use my study day once a week. DH finds it much more difficult than me and is really struggling despite me doing the majority of the childcare juggling.

[TriangleBingoBongo]

I am furious, scared, worried this will fall on women overwhelmingly

These are my thoughts too. This is going to negatively impact women more than men.

[Kitchendoctor]

I agree, this is not an issue for the men on my team, while I’m struggling they’re able to get even more done at home.
It doesn’t help that our boss is stuck in the 1950s in terms of attitudes when it comes to this sort of thing. I’ve already been passed over for an important project.

[Kitchendoctor]

What also infuriates me is that DH shows no initiative when it comes to sharing homeschooling.
He won’t think to refresh his memory when he’s forgotten about certain theories in maths for example and seems unwilling to educate himself on modern methods. Expects someone to help him with it or explain it to him. Fuck that, I’m not homeschooling a middle aged man as well!

[TriangleBingoBongo]

That made me laugh - Fuck that, I’m not homeschooling a middle aged man as well!

Very true. It’s very easy for fathers to delegate to Mums!

[Honsandrebels]

@kitchen doctor that sounds infuriating! My lovely colleague spent two days educating himself so he could help his kids, I need to tell dh about him as he could do with upping his game!

[SinkGirl]

The little girl is harder to look after. She is at an age when you cannot put her in front of a screen like her brother, she no longer sleeps much during the day, and she wants to walk and explore everywhere, meaning you cannot leave her alone not even a second. Well, only in the playpen, but she doesn't like that any more.

I hear you. I have twins who are 3.5 and both have disabilities - developmentally they’re more like 12-18 months old (except gross motor skills so they can climb expertly which is not helpful!)

I work very part time - 5 hours per week. Except right now I’m working a lot more (NHS job with major issues to deal with) and I’m also in the midst of a legal battle with our LA over specialist schooling. So I’m drowning in that. The respite of nursery a few days a week is how I usually survive as I have health issues including chronic pain and fatigue. It’s all completely unmanageable.

Hey Duggee is about the only thing keeping shit together right now.

We used to have a big playpen (until they could climb out of it) - are there any toys she hasn’t played with in a while you could put in there? High chair and snacks when you really have to get stuff done? That’s basically what we are doing - distracting with new / old things and giving them more food. I’ve bought quite a few new toys!

[firstmentat]

I have a 6 y.o. and a 4 y.o., single parent.
I switched my working week to 7 days, doing 6 am to 8 am (just finished my morning "shift", the children are not awake yet so have some peaceful time with a coffee), then 8 pm to 12 pm, and on call during the day for meetings and urgent questions (= screen time for children during this time). It is non stop during the day, I am exhausted and as PP said, am waking up already exhausted. My employer would not furlough and, to be honest, I would struggle to pay the bills on the furlough pay.

[Tigger83]

It truly is awful, 2 and a bit year old plus 35 weeks pregnant my only saving grace is I go on mat leave in a few weeks. Husband and I are not coping we usually have grandparents supporting with the childcare as well as nursery 1 day a week. I feel like I'm failing at everything and I have not had an opportunity to enjoy my last weeks of pregnancy as I have been so stressed. I had planned on stepping down my work load but I have had to increase it during the crisis.

[firstmentat]

What grates me a little bit is this happy and positive messaging from colleagues and different employee groups - "ah, working from home is actually easier than I thought, and childcare did not seem to be an issue, maybe it will become the new normal - no more childminder fees for me he he!". Well, yes, because you have a stay at home wife, your parents live across the street and you have one 10 year old child with no additional needs.

[Travelban]

Yes the 'we are all having fun' brigade doesn't help, although I do believe they are probably struggling too but can't admit it.

Having a really hard time this morning getting going. I have Friday off this week - first day since Christmas... So only three days to go but I am feeling exhausted and a bit flat! It's just relentless..

[beela]

it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to care for kids plus work simultaneously. If it was possible, surely our employers would be happy for us to bring our kids to work with us once lockdown is over - no need for daycare!

This, with bells on!!

I do wonder what my employer's attitude will be in the future towards wfh with a sick child. Prior to this, the line was that if your child was off school sick and you had to look after them, it was a day's leave. Which was fair enough, as you can't look after a child and work at the same time.

[itghjn]

Reading these posts, I feel distraught.

I work 3 days a week. On the days I work, I homeschool and juggle working at supervising a toddler, whilst dp locks himself in the office from 9-5! He'll have the toddler on his lap for 15 minutes or so.

I want to divorce him.

[ludicrouslemons]

I think it's just an amplifying what happens all the time - women do a massive amount of unpaid work that is invisible and unrewarded.

I'm just reading invisible women by Caroline criado perez that has a big bit on this - women's career progression is hampered by having to take on the bulk of housework and childcare. This situation is just shining a dramatic light on it.

[Greenpop21]

@myself2020 interesting. Wonder why our parents think it is.

[firstmentat]

This situation is just shining a dramatic light on it.
I don't think it would. I have a colleague (male, in 50s) who sends out those "ideas to do with kids today" and pictures of his own kids doing stuff. I.e. "put up a tent in the back garden", "paint a rainbow fence" etc. It is quite clear though that he is not doing it himself as he is working (no doubt here, he's a workaholic), but his wife (who is a stay at home parent) does.

[User202004]

Employers are being wholly unrealistic if they are expecting employees to be working at normal capacity. I can't believe how many employers have their heads in the sand. Mine has already completely reprojected our outcomes for the year, we have a time code to use essentially paid special leave to top up the hours we couldn't do that day due to Covid, whether it's because of kids, stress, or exercise etc.

It's the only realistic and reasonable way to be and they will be rewarded with hardworking and loyal employees.

Anyone struggling needs to have a frank conversation with their manager to set expectations. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[firstmentat]

Anyone struggling needs to have a frank conversation with their manager to set expectations.
My management is reasonably understanding, but I find it almost impossible to explain challenges in balancing parenting and work in the current situation to people who are not parents / in the same parenting situation themselves. For example, there was an important conference call that was supposed to take 4 hours (a combination of training and a dry run of a particular tool), and no one could understand that my participation could be at best very sketchy.

Maybe someone on the thread has good advice on how to approach these discussions. So say we have Boss (a good person, but not a parent), Colleague 1 (a good person, parent of one, but with a SAHM wife), Colleague 2 (a good person, single parent, but non-resident).
A number of times I heard "well, can't someone else entertain them while you are working?", usually when I explain why I have to decline a particular meeting invite, is unbelievable.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Working in shifts around a 22 month old. I feel relatively lucky at the moment as DH is working less than full hours (he's a teacher who sets and marks work from each class every week - he finds that this, answering student queries, and his work as a head of department takes about 20 hours a week, though that is with working consistently through Easter to get ahead, which I suppose will wear out at some point) so I work 7-9, 11-12.30 and 2-5, and whatever needs doing in the evening (usually 1-2 hours). I am enjoying the extra time with DS but I'm also finding it very tough and I'm worried about the effect on my future prospects. Neither my boss or my boss's boss have children and they're trying very hard to be sympathetic but it's clear that they have no idea what it's like to care for a toddler - for instance, they always lump together me and the only other colleague with a child, but she has one docile 12 year old who loves learning and they sit working at adjacent desks all day! I do think there's an air of 'she has a child and she's fine, so why aren't you?'. My boss says things like 'no one will mind if he's playing in the background of a call!' but I've only tried it once and despite putting the tv on (which normally entrances him) he didn't stay in the background, he stood trying to bash the keys on the laptop, sticking his face into the camera and shouting 'mummy, mummy, mummy, no no no' until I gave up on the call. Let's face it, people do mind that because it made the call impossible.

[SinkGirl]

It’s also really challenging when you have children with additional needs because nobody understands what that’s like unless they’ve been there. No I can’t just put a film on and take the call from another room. I can’t let them out of my sight at all!

I know what people are thinking because it’s what they do with their own kids.

Why is there so much screeching? Why can’t you just tell them to go and play? Why aren’t you telling them to be quiet? Etc etc.

Even when people know your child is disabled they often don’t understand what that means - it’s hard to grasp the idea of a child who’s walking around and looks normal but can’t understand any words at all.

[SinkGirl]

My boss says things like 'no one will mind if he's playing in the background of a call!' but I've only tried it once and despite putting the tv on (which normally entrances him) he didn't stay in the background, he stood trying to bash the keys on the laptop, sticking his face into the camera and shouting 'mummy, mummy, mummy, no no no' until I gave up on the call. Let's face it, people do mind that because it made the call impossible

Oh bless you. It’s funny how they can amuse themselves right up until the point you need them to leave you alone. Hopefully that video call will have given them some idea of what you’re trying to juggle

Just wanted to say that everyone is doing an incredible job. A few months ago the idea of working full time from with children at home was unthinkable. And as hard as it is, you’re all doing it and that’s amazing. Definitely worth discussing it to find the best ways to manage but be proud of what you’re managing because it’s a bloody impossible ask.

[nonamenorma]

It's just a slog. I have taken to avoiding the very limited social media I use, as it's just a relentless flood of people enjoying spending all the extra time with their children, bonding over shared family activities and the rest, while we are busting a gut just trying to maintain the bare essentials.

Fortunately husband is doing very well in all of this, picking up on the schooling bits on his shift. But I work in a reasonably senior position with a bunch of men, all of whom clearly have stay at home wives and no issues with childcare. They say they understand, but they don't really get the never-ending slog of it all. And because both my husband and I are trying to fit full time hours into a single day, I don't have the flexibility I do in normal circumstances. The number of times my boss has asked me to do something by the end of the day and I have had to turn around and remind him that, actually, my day started at stupid o clock in the morning and is ending soon, so no he can't have it, is ridiculous. And this is the bit that gets me - the fact that people tout an image of understanding and caring, but can't even remember that not everyone has it nice and easy.

[User202004]

@firstmentat thing is it's not just parents, outputs are going to be lower because many people are stressed, working in new environments, managers shouldn't need to have experienced something to be empathetic and need to realise this is bigger than a childcare issue. If a manager is that dense to not understand how childcare can impact someone's work load then god help them when they realise the wider ramifications on everyone.

How many of our employers have a policy where you shouldn't do childcare and WFH? That might be a good place to start the conversation for managers struggling to see the issue.