No furlough and no holidays allowed!

[Fuchsake]

I’m parenting small DC on my own - DH is still working 8-6 and all childcare is closed. DH’s employer has furloughed most staff but won’t furlough him because he’s covering for everyone. I’ve asked him to book holiday leave because I can’t cope with this relentless childcare much longer.

DH’s employer has said no, the whole point of not furloughing him is because they need him, so he can’t take holiday. So his colleagues are sitting at home watching Netflix while DH (who actually needs to be off work) has to continue working.

Now they’re scheduling projects for May/June when they expect everyone to return to work. So everyone will return refreshed from furlough and holidays won’t be allowed because it’ll be full steam ahead. But DH hasn’t had a break and will be expected to plunge into these projects with everyone else. DH has just said never mind, he can cope without a holiday till later in the year - but his holidays aren’t just for him! His holidays are for me to have a break from DC while he does the parenting!

AIBU to think that if he isn’t being furloughed then he needs to be allowed to take holidays when everyone else comes back? It’s not fair to say “you’ve all been furloughed so you don’t need holidays for a few months” when DH hasn’t been furloughed!

YANBU - your DH needs to go back to his employer and spell this out. He is clearly critical to operations so he has nothing to worry about.

It sounds as though there is little or no HR provision?

Have they actually said he won.’the be allowed to take a holiday or are you just guessing that he won’t be allowed to take one? He is legally entitled to take his holiday at some point this year, the fact that he can’t take any holiday for a few months and then has to later in the year might have to be something you put up with in the normal situation. I know it isn’t easy parenting small children (I have three) but there are the weekends when you can have a break and I know this opinion gets shouted down on here quite a lot but honestly I’d be bloody thankful he is seen as so needed at work right now.

What would you normally be doing from 8-6pm? Are you a sahm? Although it's frustrating and unfair that your dh hasnt been furloughed, he is working normalish hours and is home evenings and weekends possibly? I find it odd you refer to looking after your own children as childcare. You are parenting and that's different.

You may have childcare help in around 4 weeks if lockdown measures are lifted. I would take it one day at a time until then. Your DH probably thinks he's fortunate to have a job and full income and doesn't want to jeopardise that. You mention that he won't go back rested, but he won't be rested anyway if he takes time off to parent.

Apologies- your first and subsequent sentences mentioned parenting. But I do find it odd that you say his holidays are for him to do the parenting. Surely you do that together or at least take it in turns for lie ins etc when he is off or when does he get a break?

Appears that you are jealous that some of his colleagues are on furlough yet he is having to work so you can’t get help with childcare. If you’re a SAHM then looking after the kids is your role. Do you normally need regular help?

Are you trying to work from home and do childcare OP?

Do you work as well OP? What is your current position? If not, then quite frankly you just need to suck it up. There are people like DH and I who are both having to continue with work while child care is closed. So we are being expected to work and look after young children at the same time.

It is bloody hard work looking after young children all day every day by yourself. I understand, I had two within two years. I was home all day with them and then went out to work in the evenings because child care costs didn't make working in the day viable. I also understand that it's frustrating that everyone else is getting to sit at home still earning while he is doing all of the work.

But I don't think you will get much sympathy if you're not working OP. There are people who do what you do all day every day in normal circumstances.

I think it depends if you are working too.

Many of us are working, husbands working and trying to homeschool children. Both our workloads have increased too.
My husband can't have his holiday either.

I'm not saying this is right by the way.

Are you working and parenting? I’d that the problem?

What about annual leave /furlough for yourself?

And yes lots of people are in the same boat!

How many kids do you have? If they are NT and you're not working then in the nicest possible way you just need to suck it up.

Is he working 7 days a week?

Can you at least get out in the evenings for a walk while he does bedtime so you can get some time alone?

If you're also wfh then he needs to be more flexible. It's tough but lots of us are managing. If you're not working (SAHP, furlough etc) then I think you need to suck it up during the day. But it would be reasonable to expect a bit of a break in evenings and for both of you to get a break at the weekend.

But yes, if he's one of few still working, I do agree his workplace should allow him some annual leave when everyone else is back.

I assume OP is working as she says childcare is closed. It’s tough.

I’m parenting small DC on my own

Would you like a medal?

Are you WFH? If not I think YABU. You should be glad your DH has a job lots of us have lost ours.

When does your husband normally get a break if he has to use his holidays to parent so you can have a break?

If he is needed now of course they won’t let him book holidays now.

It’s a tough time all around but it sounds like actually especially if your a SAHM which it reads like in the grand scheme of things your in a pretty fortunate position

OP I am at home with a toddler and a four month old baby and I am struggling without the couple of short days of daycare and our out of the house activities too. It is really really hard and I feel for you.

I don't think this is going to go in you favour OP. I do sympathise though, everyone so struggling right now no matter their circumstances. I have four children, two of which have additional needs and it's definitely been challenging at times, it's doable but I'm envious of those enjoying Netflix or decorating their house as mines getting worse and worse 😂.
You don't knowing he circumstances of the other staff, perhaps they are more vulnerable that you think, but the system certainly isn't perfect or fair. My husband is working but we see that as a win, but we certainly find it frustrating that some are off on full pay when others are working, but such is life, we are lucky to have a job where he can work. My business died before it barely lifted off the ground lol.

I sympathise but the economy is under huge pressure, everyone’s going to need to pull together to save businesses etc when lockdown is lifted. It’s understandable they won’t be able to allow holidays while fighting to get the business back to normal, it’s only for a few months, and his employers aren’t responsible for you. Also it’s not much for a break for him anyway if you just expect him to take over the parenting rather than doing it together. It’s a really difficult time so I understand its frustrating but they arnt doing anything wrong.

I think there is huge pressure on non-furloughed staff to prove they're indispensable in some companies and it sounds like your DH's is the same. I also do get that if he's not furloughed then taking holidays is difficult. And I empathise that childcare for small DCs at the moment is really, really tough.

But DH isn't exactly skiving, is he? I think you need to negotiate your weekends so each person gets some 100% clear time with no childcare. He needs to pull his weight in the evenings of course, but that kind of goes without saying.

And he does need to have a grown-up convo with his boss about holidays. In fact, I'd ask him to book some for June and see what happens. But that's for his wellbeing as much as yours.

"Relentless childcare" they are your kids. He only works 8-6, he's still earning and won't be the first to be made redundant if the worst happens.

Christ. YABU

Your DH's employer does not have to give him time off during a national emergency because you can't cope with parenting your own children.