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Original poster

No furlough and no holidays allowed!

154 replies

Fuchsake · 17/04/2020 09:29

I’m parenting small DC on my own - DH is still working 8-6 and all childcare is closed. DH’s employer has furloughed most staff but won’t furlough him because he’s covering for everyone. I’ve asked him to book holiday leave because I can’t cope with this relentless childcare much longer.

DH’s employer has said no, the whole point of not furloughing him is because they need him, so he can’t take holiday. So his colleagues are sitting at home watching Netflix while DH (who actually needs to be off work) has to continue working.

Now they’re scheduling projects for May/June when they expect everyone to return to work. So everyone will return refreshed from furlough and holidays won’t be allowed because it’ll be full steam ahead. But DH hasn’t had a break and will be expected to plunge into these projects with everyone else. DH has just said never mind, he can cope without a holiday till later in the year - but his holidays aren’t just for him! His holidays are for me to have a break from DC while he does the parenting!

AIBU to think that if he isn’t being furloughed then he needs to be allowed to take holidays when everyone else comes back? It’s not fair to say “you’ve all been furloughed so you don’t need holidays for a few months” when DH hasn’t been furloughed!

OP posts:
betty2020 · 17/04/2020 11:53

@Fuchsake sounds like my husband. If we had a broken leg that would be different t but because our issues are mental it's as though we do it for attention.

People on here can't understand. As the above mention I'd ask this to be moved to the ASD board x

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2020 11:55

Read Mintymabels words

You seem to be twisting yourself in knots to blame your son for being difficult, and your OH's work for not furloughing him, but refusing to accept the biggest problem is your OH and his behaviour.

Because this is what is happening (and I think is also to do with your other thread as well) you are desperately trying to figure out what is causing you to feel like this because you dont want to face up to the fact its your OH

He is the one telling you all of the above not the company

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/04/2020 11:55

Have you had another thread about this?

It's hard, I have a d's with add. No ehcp as the school are great with him, have had him since 2 and he no longer bites the staffs shoes, throws things and is quite rule abiding now (took years)

Home is a different matter. I remember 2.5 years well, the lack of sleep and constant screaming.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/04/2020 11:56

Asd not add

betty2020 · 17/04/2020 11:56

Things will get better once this is over. Your husband is paying the bills and feeding you all. I think the posts having a go at your husband aren't called for. But you both need a break as you are both working hard.

Xenia · 17/04/2020 12:03

It is no against the law for someone to come to your house to look after your child. I don't know if you usually work or not but if you do and the nursery if closed do they have a nursery worker who could come to your house for pay to do childcare? and/or could you take on a live in au pair for 2 months even if they have to sleep in the child's room?

pocketem · 17/04/2020 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thefaceofboe · 17/04/2020 12:04

If you’re child has SEN they are allowed to attend nursery still aren’t they?

Sirzy · 17/04/2020 12:05

Just having SEN doesn’t mean they can attend. In theory having an EHC does but as useful as that is for many the main issue is it won’t be nursery as the child knows, different children and staff and possibly a different location.

PlugUgly1980 · 17/04/2020 12:05

The problem is your DH's lack of help and support for you, rather than his employer. Not all, but many people furloughed are taking a wage cut and finding it incredibly hard. Others like myself and DH both work full time and have two young children who normally use full time childcare. We're trying to carry on working, home school / entertain two under 6's (so not really capable of entertaining themselves for long periods of time), make up work time on an evening, fit some exercise in (needed from a mental health perspective), cook, clean, manage grocery shopping, getting repeat medication, sorting errands for elderly parents, my vulnerable sister, etc. etc.... it's relentless. I'm going to bed much later than normal just trying to fit everything in.

But what makes it bearable is that DH picks up almost 50% of everything....sometimes he'll do stuff off his own back, sometimes by his own admission he just doesn't notice jobs. But he's quite happy to do jobs if asked, like put a load of washing in, or take the kids out or whatever as he just doesn't always see these things.

SinkGirl · 17/04/2020 12:12

Reported pocketem - you are in no position to pass comment on other people’s diagnoses made by professionals.

Travelban · 17/04/2020 12:14

It is a difficult situation, but I would urge you to get away from looking at other people sitting on their butts, as it isn't good for your mental health and it just makes you angry. You don't know what people are going through anyway, so there is no point.

It does suck and you need to find a mechanism to get help and cope. I am not sure what is available, but there must be some provision you can tap into? Have you looked into it? I do feel for you.

pocketem · 17/04/2020 12:15

The kid hasn't been medically diagnosed though. OP says the process is still ongoing. She believes DC has autism, husband thinks he doesn't. Neither of us can say who is right until the diagnostic pathway resumes

betty2020 · 17/04/2020 12:17

@pocketem what an awful thing to say.

betty2020 · 17/04/2020 12:19

Doctors only refer you to a psychiatrist if they think you have ASD traits. Then you have 3/4 appointments with the psychiatrist.

You are extremely lucky that you do not suffer with mental health.

MaxiPaddy · 17/04/2020 12:20

Neither have an official diagnose.

MaxiPaddy · 17/04/2020 12:20

*diagnosis - because I can't write.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/04/2020 12:21

Oh DH’s attitude has always been “there’s nothing wrong with you”. I’m diagnosed with autism but like many women I’m functional and mask it well. I have no friends because I can’t function socially but DH says that’s not autism, it’s just that nobody likes me. He doesn’t believe DC is autistic either, the official diagnosis is still ongoing

As is the case with 99.99% of these threads, you have a dh problem

MrsNoah2020 · 17/04/2020 12:25

You are extremely lucky that you do not suffer with mental health

Yer what? Do you mean mental illness? Autism is not a mental illness. Lots of people with autism do have mental health problems as well, but lots don't.

userxx · 17/04/2020 12:26

So his colleagues are sitting at home watching Netflix

Harsh. I know many people who would gladly swap with your husband.

SinkGirl · 17/04/2020 12:29

Neither have an official diagnose.

OP says she does. And whether her child has a diagnosis or not, he clearly has additional needs - the diagnosis is not the relevant part here.

I have two children who are severely affected by ASD - non verbal, globally delayed etc - but I’m sick of seeing people pass judgement on whether others are “properly autistic” or not. I’m also sick of people criticising parents for referring to their autistic children as disabled, since that happens too.

kissmewherethesundontshine · 17/04/2020 12:35

As PP said you have a DH problem.

It's quite convenient he can't take time off from work to parent isn't it?

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2020 12:40

You seem to be twisting yourself in knots to blame your son for being difficult, and your OH's work for not furloughing him, but refusing to accept the biggest problem is your OH and his behaviour.

I couldn't agree more.

CottonSock · 17/04/2020 12:44

Sinkgirl, I recognise you from other threads. You are allowed to say it's hard, I'm sure most people can only imagine. Can you get a break at the weekend?

I'm working from home with mine here, but they are older, and no special needs..Its still relentless.

CottonSock · 17/04/2020 12:45

Sorry, got confused about who was op. Still applies though