No furlough and no holidays allowed!

[Fuchsake]

I’m parenting small DC on my own - DH is still working 8-6 and all childcare is closed. DH’s employer has furloughed most staff but won’t furlough him because he’s covering for everyone. I’ve asked him to book holiday leave because I can’t cope with this relentless childcare much longer.

DH’s employer has said no, the whole point of not furloughing him is because they need him, so he can’t take holiday. So his colleagues are sitting at home watching Netflix while DH (who actually needs to be off work) has to continue working.

Now they’re scheduling projects for May/June when they expect everyone to return to work. So everyone will return refreshed from furlough and holidays won’t be allowed because it’ll be full steam ahead. But DH hasn’t had a break and will be expected to plunge into these projects with everyone else. DH has just said never mind, he can cope without a holiday till later in the year - but his holidays aren’t just for him! His holidays are for me to have a break from DC while he does the parenting!

AIBU to think that if he isn’t being furloughed then he needs to be allowed to take holidays when everyone else comes back? It’s not fair to say “you’ve all been furloughed so you don’t need holidays for a few months” when DH hasn’t been furloughed!

20 hours a day? Your child only every sleeps 4 hours at night? If your DH never helps at all unless on holiday it’s a DH problem, not a work problem.

Can your DH work more flexibly? Something like 6-4, or an extended lunch break to give you a break in the day?

Have they actually said they he, personally, can't take holiday though? It seems reasonable that furloughed staff can't, but if they have said because staff has been furloughed then that doesn't mean he is included; if he is he needs to stand up to them. As for being bitter that others have been furloughed, in this situation he is in a much better position being working still, even if you don't think so. If he would be working normally then surely you have to do it alone when he is at the office anyway, you have to view it that just because he is at home it doesn't mean he isn't at work. The financial stability of him being in work still is something a lot of people dont have now, although it's hard as a family it's a better position than most people, and you shouldnt be making him feel bad. Similarly, he could help with lunches surely on his break, and then after work.

I think there is only one child rather than children plural and I am guessing pre school age as OP refers to childcare arrangements usually in place not school.

I wouldn't push the annual leave thing when the employer is probably absolutely stretched as is. Your DH is off weekends is he not ? You just need to tough it out. It's harder than " normal " but it could be far , far worse.
My DH is doing 60+ hours a week, no leave , I'm at home with a baby and a pre schooler trying to work. I'm finding it challenging. In comparison , one set of neighbours are FL at 100% and doing their house up whilst the kids watch disney+ , so treating it as a holiday. It might not be fair but it's the way the cookie crumbles.

Can you not take some.holiday or unpaid leave? Might you be furloughed? It is tough trying to work and look after young children alone, I am secretly jealous of friends who are furloughed and (appear to) spend all day doing fun things with their kids, I'd love to be able to do that. But.in reality not being furloughed means much more likely to keep job after all this is over.

Just seen one of your DCs has SEN, but the point still stands. Childcare will reopen, but those who have lost their jobs will have no such relief on the horizon. The same goes for those who have lost loved ones. We all just have to grit our teeth and try to get through it.

Why are you parenting 20 hours a day ?

Where is your husband before and after work ?

You need to set boundaries because you've either exaggerated hugely on the amount of time you're actually with your own child or your partner is doing nothing before and after work and that needs to change.

If he finishes at 6 he has a quick break to get out of work mode and then should bathing / putting kids to bed (depending on age) or should be prepping dinner and putting everything away.

You need to split things in proportion

DC is 2.5. Cries constantly and clings to me, needs constant supervision, doesn’t respond to his name or do much except throw and bash things. Hasn’t slept a night in his life and is prescribed pills that don’t work. I’m also autistic and I struggle to cope. He won’t settle for DH so I’m up with him all night then have him all day too. He doesn’t go to sleep till 11pm. I relied on grandparents and childcare to ease the burden but now I’m on my own. Super angry that I’ve been left to cope with this because DH has to work at a time when everyone else is sitting on their butts.

@Fuchsake I think if you had said this at the beginning the replies would have been different.

I'm autistic too and alone 24:7 with my kids it is hard OP especially when you see lots of families home together all day.

On the work side, leave it for the moment and then talk to him again when everyone is back to work. The company don't know what's going on yet, no one really does.

its a shit situation for everyone so we just have to suck it up for the moment, including parenting.

So you have one child with high SEN, and are a SAHP?

Your child usually attends childcare 3 mornings a week.

It must be very difficult but YABU to think that you having to look after your child for what - nine additional hours a week? means that your DH employer is being unreasonable.

Why are you looking after your child 20 hours a day? What is DH doing before 8 and after 6?

Everyone "sitting on their butts" are taking a pay cut. I assume your OH is still getting paid full?
He comes home after work, does he not? Does he do no childcare when he's home?

His company is within their rights to deny him holiday leave during peak times, but he will get leave eventually.

When the company resumes working, you may find childcare resumes. I recommend spending extra for 5 days a week so that you are able to feel more refreshed.

I'm having a hard time getting worked up on your behalf when there a single parents on low income, who can't afford childcare, doing this day in and day out.

You have to suck it up for the time being.

You have a DH, he can help after work. You’re lucky you have him, my DH is dead and I usually work so I understand that watching your own children is hard but we’ve no choice right now. Speak to your DH and ask him for help.

I hear you. It's hard on most (although not on here is seems) mums at the moment because there isn't the support from childcare, school, family, friends, playgroup etc. So we're looking to our partners/husbands to take up the slack we're also taking up and it's not happening as much as it should. Then going back to full time childcare and housework when you've got other interests and a desire to work and learn is really tough.

My husband is the same, he usually drops the kids at school and gets them dressed and starts work at 10am. Now he's working from 8.30am-5 with no break but not lifting a finger in the morning. I'm working 3 days at the moment, and then will be full time in may but working for 2 departments because despite people being furloughed it seems 2 departments have enough work for me for 2 full time jobs. It's frustrating that I'm picking up the slack for 2 people with no children who are bloody useless which is why I've tried to move to department 2.

This situation is showing the cracks in workplaces. Just be glad your husband is working because redundancies will be happening soon, I know it's tough but hang in there.

Your dh is working 8-6 so why are you looking after the child 20 hours a day?
DC goes to sleep at 11-12pm. I have to sleep in his bed with him otherwise he won’t settle, I get woken repeatedly. When we get up in the morning DH is working all day so I’m with DC all day. DH finishes work at 6 then wants a break so it’s about 7pm before I get to hand DC over. Then I rush around cooking and doing laundry etc. And I’m still 50% on parenting duty. It’s exhausting, I relied on daytime childcare for a break.

Super angry that I’ve been left to cope with this because DH has to work at a time when everyone else is sitting on their butts.

This isn't the case, many people and families are making big sacrifices at the moment, or struggling through things which are bloody stressful. He should be helping though when he has finished work and is there really no way he can help overnight? It sounds really hard, and it's upsetting that you are struggling, but he has a stable job which is keeping a roof over your heads, that is something a lot of people don't have now. If he helped at lunch which gave you a chance to have some time alone, and then after work helped as much as he can it should make a difference.

Why is DH getting an hour's break and you not? If there is only an hour spare in the day, you should get 30 minutes each. It would still be fucking hard but it would be slightly less awful than now.

Geez. Ok yes he should be allowed holiday ,but I have zero sympathy otherwise. I'm working from home full time in same room as DH, we have three children under 7. It's a complete nightmare but if you're a SAHM who actually can look after the kids then quite frankly pull your socks up.

This thread is giving me the rage.

OP, I set up a thread a while ago for parents of kids with SEN during lockdown - it’s been quiet lately but just bumped it back up. Feel free to come over for a chat with people who understand

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/3852745-Support-for-parents-of-disabled-children-during-school-closures?watched=1&msgid=95700980#95700980

OP some childcare settings are open for key workers but also for children with SEND. Although yours is closed it might be worth looking into an alternative placement just to get you through.

You sound exhausted and in need of kindness not the berating you had on this thread

You need to stop thinking furloughed people are sitting on their arses watching Netflix. I'm looking after a baby full time, volunteering 15 hours a week, writing something which probably won't go anywhere, running for 45 mins a day and managing to keep my house tidy and clean. And I'm losing work, work relationships and money. Not to mention I actually want to work. Don't be bitter because some people have it better than you because many have it much, much worse. I was wfh for 3 weeks as was my husband and with no childcare available despite me being a key worker, it was bloody hard. Furlough has been a blessing but I'd rather be working, earning my full wage and showing my son that it's possible to work and have a full life.

OP you need to talk to your DH and tell him he needs to tell his employer he has two people with disabilities to care for.

He needs to tell his employer what time he needs off so he can care for you both.

I suspect your DH has not talked to his employer to explain he has a disabled wife and a disabled son, so is just carrying on as normal.

If nothing changes as a last resort I suggest you find a relative you alone can move in with for a few days, and one morning before he goes to work get up go to their house on your own.

Why is DH getting an hour's break and you not?
He’s sitting at a desk all day and needs a break to move around and get fresh air. I’ve been out in the garden etc with DC all day. He whinges about finishing work and immediately taking DC, “going straight from one job to another”.

I think if you phone social services they might be able to help you get DC in the same category as EHCP or children in need children allowed to go to childcare as usual.