No furlough and no holidays allowed!

[Fuchsake]

I’m parenting small DC on my own - DH is still working 8-6 and all childcare is closed. DH’s employer has furloughed most staff but won’t furlough him because he’s covering for everyone. I’ve asked him to book holiday leave because I can’t cope with this relentless childcare much longer.

DH’s employer has said no, the whole point of not furloughing him is because they need him, so he can’t take holiday. So his colleagues are sitting at home watching Netflix while DH (who actually needs to be off work) has to continue working.

Now they’re scheduling projects for May/June when they expect everyone to return to work. So everyone will return refreshed from furlough and holidays won’t be allowed because it’ll be full steam ahead. But DH hasn’t had a break and will be expected to plunge into these projects with everyone else. DH has just said never mind, he can cope without a holiday till later in the year - but his holidays aren’t just for him! His holidays are for me to have a break from DC while he does the parenting!

AIBU to think that if he isn’t being furloughed then he needs to be allowed to take holidays when everyone else comes back? It’s not fair to say “you’ve all been furloughed so you don’t need holidays for a few months” when DH hasn’t been furloughed!

You clearly need a break too OP. Your need is no less equal than his. He could play in the garden with DS. He's taking more than his fair share because he's whining louder. That isn't ok.

He’s sitting at a desk all day and needs a break to move around and get fresh air. I’ve been out in the garden etc with DC all day. He whinges about finishing work and immediately taking DC, “going straight from one job to another”.

He can go out in the garden with DC then for some fresh air, it seems fair that you have a break too, maybe 30 mins each or something? Or 15 for him and 45 for you. Also you don't get a break, he needs to remember that, and realise that you don't get to clock off so why should he have a leisurely hour to himself when you get nothing. Honestly I don't think it's his work that's the issue, but him being too used to being able to have time for himself, which he gets at night by the sound of it. When this is over and your little one is back in childcare then perhaps it's more managable, but he needs to be sorting himself out.

Can you both move in with grandparents temporarily or them in with you? (If none at high risk obviously)

Hi OP, as a fellow SEN mum, I understand how exhausting parenting can be at the moment without the usual respite. Does your child have an EHCP yet, as some authorities have childcare in place to help support families of vulnerable children, which children with an EHCP fall into

I’m a working lone parent, zero help, one ASD child and another. I do childcare, teaching, and wfh with no help whatsoever.

I suspect your DH has not talked to his employer to explain he has a disabled wife and a disabled son
Oh DH’s attitude has always been “there’s nothing wrong with you”. I’m diagnosed with autism but like many women I’m functional and mask it well. I have no friends because I can’t function socially but DH says that’s not autism, it’s just that nobody likes me. He doesn’t believe DC is autistic either, the official diagnosis is still ongoing.

So because the world's gone to shit and people have it worse OP can't be fed up? Ridiculous. Totally understand OP. I love my 3 year old but I miss nursery! It's worse cause you can't even do anything with them. I tried to get my DH to take holidays just before lockdown and the day I wanted him to take we ended up self isolating cause DS woke up with a cough. Typical!

Your DH needs to get over himself. DH used to hate coming home from work to be handed a screaming baby (DS cried all the time for the first 10 months of his life) but he accepted that this was his role as a parent and that until DS was older breaks were going to be few and far between. At 6 your DH needs to take DS while you have a bath or read a book etc for an hour. Then the two of you work together to get dinner and housework done while also caring for DS. Then DH can have an hour off when you take DS up to bed. In the morning DH needs to get up with DS and sort out his breakfast and get him dressed before he starts work.

Your DH is an arsehole.

Sounds like as is being shown by so many your problem here is your husband and the situation is bringing out the worst

The problem appears to be that your DH isn't contributing to looking after your DC

Why does he get an hours' break every evening before getting on with things? He needs to come home and either take over with DC or pitch in doing laundry and sorting dinner. By all means give him ten minutes to go to the loo/get changed but otherwise it should be all hands on deck.

He whinges about finishing work and immediately taking DC, “going straight from one job to another”.

But it's okay for you to be with DC all day long without a break? If he thinks looking after his children his work, then surely he appreciates that you need a break too?

Is your DS on the disabled social services radar ? If not get him on it !

Nursery should still be taking DS with an SEN to give you a break.

It does sound difficult but you have to remember that these are exceptional circumstances and that many people are in the same boat.

Your husband is a big problem here. He should take the kids for an hour when he finishes work to let you have the break you deserve and need. Sounds like he's quite happy with the arrangement of you taking care of them all of the time.

Hold on, just noticed your username. So now you're out in the garden all day but previously couldn't go into the garden at all because of your "selfish" nurse neighbours who have coronavirus?

Which one is it?

Really, it's tiring for some people. It is. But accusing those furloughed of sitting on their arse all day without a care in the world is inaccurate and uncalled for

OP, I really feel for you. You must be mentally and physically shattered beyond belief.

At the very least, your husband should be doing laundry and cooking. He needs to find a way to make the burden as equal as possible, factoring in lack of sleep too.

I don’t want to overwhelm you but what your husband has said about your lack of friends, and his refusal to acknowledge your diagnosis and your son’s condition, is awful and a red flag. Are you aware of what the signs of domestic abuse are and what you can do if you are concerned you might be in an abusive relationship?

OP you need to talk to your DH and tell him he needs to tell his employer he has two people with disabilities to care for
He needs to tell his employer what time he needs off so he can care for you both
I suspect your DH has not talked to his employer to explain he has a disabled wife and a disabled son, so is just carrying on as normal

As harsh as this may sound, the OP and her DS are not the employer's problem. Employers have a duty to make reasonable adjustments for employees themselves, but not the employee's families.

Of course, a good employer will try to take employees' caring responsibilities into account but the OP's DH is not actually a carer. Simply having a partner with ASD does not make him a carer. He could put in a request for flexible working but the employer does not have to grant the request, even in normal times.

And these are not normal times. The OP's DH's company may well be teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, as so many are. They may be making redundancies. At the moment, the DH will be at low risk, as his role is clearly key. He would be foolish to do anything to change this.

The answer to supporting the OP through the lockdown is not to make unrealistic demands on the employer, but for the DH to step up when he is at home.

Is your DS on the disabled social services radar ? If not get him on it !

Good luck with that. We were referred before all this kicked off and still haven’t heard anything. They are absolutely swamped.

Nursery should still be taking DS with an SEN to give you a break.

My twins have EHCPs. Their nursery has closed. We could ask for the LA to find them a place elsewhere but EHCPs aren’t enforceable right now so they wouldn’t have the support they need to keep them safe. It’s not necessarily as simple as people think.

And yes, your DH needs to get his shit together. If your child won’t settle for him at night (he needs to work on that, it won’t happen by magic) then he needs to take the load off you in the evening and before work.

You seem to be twisting yourself in knots to blame your son for being difficult, and your OH's work for not furloughing him, but refusing to accept the biggest problem is your OH and his behaviour.

The "he won't settle for me" trick is as old as the hills. You can't have a situation where your child will only do what they need to when you are there. Your OH needs to get on board and be a parent. Who gives a shit if he doesn't want to go from doing his day job to being a parent. The rest of us have to, and so should he.

Start addressing the actual problem instead of scrabbling around for someone else to pin the blame on.

Well your DH hasn't been furloughed and has been covering for all his colleagues, so he will deserve a holiday. Tell your DH to not be a martyr.

It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to face his child, even if he doesn’t ‘believe’ it he should support you. Can you go to the grandparents and leave him to it? He doesn’t sound worth having around.

Sounds like the problem here is your DH- we’re all having to ‘work’ harder at the moment. He shouldn’t be taking an hour to himself.

It’s ridiculous isn’t it. My sister has a 6 yr old. He’s staying with relatives indefinitely because his mum is working at a GP surgery. Because her surgery is closed and two have amalgamated, they now have more reception staff than rooms to put them in. Yesterday, she asked if she could be furloughed or, work fewer hours. No. Just a flat No.