Smelly drains,STD soldier but no Clap

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

Just in case we have more crimes,murders and general mischief to confess to.

Please leave your shoes at the door, have a Dettol wash and then stand awkwardly while not consuming any perishables.

Ironic smiles and head tilts are ALOUD but absolutely no laughter,fun or enjoying yourselves.

Disinfectant and disposable whips will be provided.

I’m going to regret mentioning that
Can of ...worms
Oh dear

Worms you say? please send, I can give them purpose & meaning on my allotment. Very convenient if they are in a can - dont open it before sending please.

Ohhh loving the guidance.

We don't do half the stuff on there because we're lazy buggers, but we're definitely allowed more than we thought.

The MN Hive mind must be going bonkers over this. All the things they've been frothing about is surprise..surprise allowed.

Like that poor OP that mentioned she was pregnant and stopped for some mini sausage rolls during exercise and she got completely bashed. Because it was a premeditated and preplanned picnic.

DH is still sniggering at my totally innocent comment from earlier. I had one of the music channels on and it said in the top corner 'clap for carers'. Just before 8pm they were showing Willie Nelson singing Always on My Mind and I announce 'I hope they don't interrupt Willie because of the clap'!

A few months ago when I had a really nasty cold (or early cheap beer virus) I stumbled into the livingroom,whimpering and moaning "It hurts when I touch myself". OH laughed about it for days.

Aww all the frothers are whinging already,all butthurt and moaning about the what ifs.

Sadly enough their main worry and anger seems to be directed at people being allowed to leave to stay with someone else to cool off after an argument.

I am SITTING ON MY HANDS not to comment on a post made by someone who....oh, I can’t even say it, it’s that un PC.

It’s on the thread about joy going out of life but no one say it or we'll all get banned.

Ohh lemme have a look

Gold loo roll holder out of stock!

morning repropbates.
Off to work shortly.
will be frolicking in the back garden later (although weather looks a bit suspect )

Hope you're all well and have fun a froclicking planned for the day.

Blessed be the fruit.

Morning. Today my death toll will be high: my strawberry plants are being delivered, I need to then go to the allotment to plant them and a lavender plant and I need to pop to Sainsbury’s. Shocking behaviour 🙄 thank god the allotments are hidden in our town otherwise I should be flogged for my actions 😂

Ok I woke up at some silly hour (2am or close) so after an hour or 3 of trying to go back to sleep I gave up. I got up. I took dogs out while its still cool, I've got washing on the line and on the go, im going to make a big brekkie just for me which will have 'gasp' bread in it I've fed the cat, I've washed dishes.

Actually dont know wtf is wrong with me. I know I'm distracting myself from being crazy with scissors and hair, but pretty sure I dont need to do quite so much.
I tell you what would be the most fabulous distraction would be one a them there pox filled Spanish soldiers, if you have one just hanging around, lob him my direction.

Morning everyone - need to confess my sins as they bothered me so much I had the best nights sleep last night!!! I went out on my bike and cycled for 90 minutes - in Lycra! And I said hello to people and didnt cycle on the opposite side of the road if people were walking on the pavement. AND I enjoyed it!

Plus I didn't clap - was considering it but got engrossed in Ep 21 of Lucifer series 3 (drooling over Tom Ellis as Lucifer looking gorgeously ruffled ) and realised it was 8.20pm OOPS

Plus I'm still going to work and I'm not even an NHS worker! Run an engineering firm and whilst the guys are working reduced hours/day/been furloughed Im not and have to do invoicing and payroll and other stuff which I'm sure I SHOULD be doing from home but just can't without taking mountains of paperwork home with me. Seems a bit pointless and much easier to come into the office to do it!

Managed to stay off the gin and wine so far this week but tonight might necessitate a glass or three as I've promised my adult children a TV free night with boardgames - what was I thinking?!! They are so excited!!! Must make a totally non essential trip to the shops for more gin and crisps as kids have chocolate eggs left. When did they develop such self control?

Have a fab day everyone

I've found my people!!

Black sheep of the street here so no chance I'll be standing outside clapping while everyone is being chummy with each other and casting death stares my way. Shall continue to damage my reputation by staying inside.

Do any of you lot know if there will be a grace period once we do go back to work so we can ease into being sober during the last hour or so of working?
I'm pretty sure the Margheritas or Vodkas (depending on the weather) are helping me get through the last stretch of the working day.

Morning sinners!

I'm feeling better after a good sleep and a LOT less booze last night. No clapping on my street. ( Love my neighbours.) I've avoided the news, Faceache and all other MN threads too.

I was going to wash the kitchen floor but have just remembered that I have a Zoom meeting in just over an hour so I will need to start titivating shortly. I'll need to remove the dust from the hair straighteners first.

Temporary live-in boyfriend is feeling very chuffed with life after coffee and a little bit of morning glorification to start his day off.

Why did it take me 30 (something plus a bit) years and a very ugly divorce to work out how simple men are? I'll bung him a compliment later along with two perfectly poached eggs. This should ensure that I completely surpass myself on the fabulous girlfriend scale. Control of the remote control will be mine for the weekend.

Actually, it's quite fun since he watched Our Girl with us. He is playing along with receiving mock orders such as making me another drink etc and saluting badly when I call him Private in a brusque voice. (I'm the slightly dopey commanding officer). The dog is a brigadier! The child just looks at us with that teenagey shocked face then bolts back to her lair.

I might order a gym ball to use with my weights once I've finished the zoom rendezvous. How many murders will that equate to or is it now on the allowed list?

Morning all.
No work today so got to catch up with stuff. Need to phone opticians re my glasses as i missed call while at work yesterday. Need to order meds from HC too. Can i infect people over the phone? Probably!

Ha ha yep a lot of people are going to find it strange not to be reaching for a glass early evening when they have to work/commute.

Blooby you will burn! All that exercise how could you?

Banana its crap when you cant skeep isnt it. I feel like getting busy then but i now have next door neighbours so i dont want to make a noise when i cant sleep.

Have a fab day all. KBO.

Pinkginhelps you will only burn in hell for ordering your gym ball if you fail to douse it in bleach AS SOON as its arrives and wash it in disinfectant after every use - who knows what germs your bum will be transferring onto it during use!!!!

Laughing at morning glorification

I was up super duper early due to not behaving like a non-functioning alcoholic last night and sticking to mineral water. Also had an earlyish Zoom call, so I had to look vaguely presentable. It was a chaotic mash of people talking over each other, everyone trying to make out that they were super busy, and I was trying to remain perfectly still from the waist up, as I tackled two dogs who decided to play fight at my feet for the entire duration of the call. Thank god for the mute button, they sounded like the Hounds of Hell.

Off with DC to the woods in a bit to collect more firewood for our pyre chiminea. We are thrilling the neighbourhood with our nightly burnfests.

Trebolla - I admire you for still thinking you can pop to Sainsburys! Good luck with that as you queue with the frothers and death-starers in neat Stasi formation. You can entertain yourself during the wait by clearing your throat a few times and asking the person nearest to you if they feel hot, or is it just you?

Ooooh @Pringletastic. Genius plan!

I’m devastated. I risked the delivery driver’s life only for him to fail to bring my strawberries and he only managed the sodding plant pots. Urgh. I now feel like a need a proper wander round Sainsbury’s to make up for my disappointment. And I shan’t walk either!

And I’ve ordered my repeat prescription. I might try a coughing fit in the pharmacy just to see what happens.

I might see if I could get a publisher to publish a book. I'll call it the Lockdown Diary of a Mumsnetter.

5.30am. Wake to alarm. I don't need to get up this early, but I find sleep deprivation helps maintain the joyless demeanor that is necessary to get through this difficult time.
5.35am. Note that neighbours seem to still be asleep. I could go out for a walk but there is no one about for me to take photos of so that I can attempt to shame them on the local Facebook page.
6am. Start my day with a glass of hot water with vinegar in it. The vinegar sets my face into the scowl that I intend to utilise all day. I refuse to buy coffee because forgoing it gives me the chance to blame selfish latte drinking millennials for getting us into this mess in the first place.
7am. Breakfast. Dust washed down with long life skimmed milk.
8am to 6pm. Sit by the window noting the comings and goings of everyone in my street. No 9 washed their windows, which is hardly necessary in a time of national crisis. What if he had tripped and ended up face down in his own bucket, drowning? Selfish people, putting our brave ambulance staff at risk just because they want the sunlight to get into their house through clean windows. My windows haven't been washed for a month and I find the gloomy light is perfect for the mood I intend to inflict on everyone. No 7 had a delivery of groceries and I could see that one of the bags contained beer. I hope they're pleased with themselves. They'll probably even drink it in their fully private garden and might even enjoy it. Is there no end to these people's selfishness. But worst of all, the elderly man next door collapsed with a suspected heart attack and his wife called an ambulance. Selfish, inconsiderate people. She even knocked on my door asking for help, but I opened the upstairs window and doused her in a bucket full of Dettol for her troubles and shout 'murderer'. Told her that in these times of crisis, the least they could do is not bother our emergency services with trivialities like a stopped heart.

7pm retire to bed. I have filled my bed with gravel and replaced my 13 tog quilt with a torn sheet. I don't sleep much because I'm too cold and uncomfortable, but I think it's the least any of us could do.