Trying to only shop every fortnight: frustrating DH

[goteam]

I have posted before about DH lack of sense when it comes to food, making it last, using fresh food before tinned etc and stretching out visits to grocery shops as much as possible. I stocked up tinned, frozen and packet food months ago so avoided the panic buying. DH is doing a fortnightly visit to local greengrocer and general grocery shop. We are spinning the food out with frozen pastries, pitta bread, uht milk and tins when we run out of fresh and it's worked well. So he went yesterday and got the fruit and veg managing to get a punnet of half mouldy strawberries and none of the veg we both like (eg no mushrooms which we base many meals on but he did get green beans which only he likes. No carrots which is the only veg dd eats except tomatoes). No bananas either which me and the kids live on and use to make banana muffins, pancakes etc. He got bread and milk and a few basics which is great but the other half of the grocery shop was snacks for him (peanuts etc, non-vegan bits - I'm vegan). The only other sensible things he got were things I specifically said to get. I said, I'll leave the rest to you hoping that would work out...

Yesterdays shop is supposed to be lasting us a fortnight. The icing on the cake was this morning when rather than give the kids slices of toast for breakfast (after cereal) from the fresh loaf bought yesterday he baked 2 of the 4 frozen croissants from the freezer. I just give up. He doesn't get it. The tins and frozen are for when we run out of fresh. Is that hard to understand? Isn't that the case even during normal times?

I know I sound like a control freak but DS gets croup and I worry exposure to CV could make him very ill so I'm trying as a family to plan sensibly and limit going to shops to the bare minimum. I'm just so frustrated with DH. It just means going to the shops more often than we need to.

That's so long sorry. I think I'm ranting here so I can just let it go with DH as I'm sick of trying to explain it to him rationally and calmly.

Are you sure that the fresh food you wanted was even there for DH to buy?
I personally cannot even do a once a week shop without top ups, so I think once a fortnight with no top ups is unrealistic.
I would not have been so bothered about eating croissants instead of toast.
You do sound a bit controlling about food to be honest. So long as you practice social distancing and hygiene there is no reason to limit your family so much when it comes to food. It’s not a famine.

It does sound a smite controlling but personally I think it's a little understandable.

If he's selfish when going to the shop, either both of you write a precise list or don't trust him to go and go yourself.

Did he omit the mushrooms, bananas and carrots because there weren't any or was he just not thinking? I suggest you make a list together next time. Re the croissants and fresh food, I think maybe you just need to accept that he thinks differently to you. It's annoying. But you can't expect him to be on the same wavelength as you for everything.

We can just about last a week apart from milk. We wouldn't starve for a second week, but would be eating weird combinations. I would let up a bit, tbh

I personally cannot even do a once a week shop without top ups, so I think once a fortnight with no top ups is unrealistic.

I thought that too but we quite easily managed a fortnight just there. Bread in freezer, mixture of fresh and UHT milk with fresh obviously used up first. Yes you don't have your pick of your top favourites by the end of it but we were still eating healthily enough.

You are being a bit controlling. Go shopping once a week and ease off the anger and irritation.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I would have thought we couldn’t manage without a weekly shop and top up shops, but because we are shielding and can’t get regular deliveries (thanks Ocado ) we have to manage with one delivery every 10 to 14 days.

It isn’t easy and I think our diet isn’t as healthy as normal, but we will manage.

@goteam

I don’t think you are being too controlling. You need to plan and control to keep your family healthy and minimise disruption.

@MajesticWhine they had everything. DH just didnt think.

@PlanDeRaccordement it's not the specific eating of croissants instead of toast. We are eating really well. Lots of treats etc but eating in best before date order etc. Doesnt everyone eat fresh food before frozen?

@MaxNormal yeah, we lasted a fortnight last time. Moved onto UHT milk but the kids didnt.notice the difference (I had chocolate shreddies ready fir that morning to disguise the different taste!)

But that's it. We dont have to go once a week. By just being sensible we can go once a fortnight and protect ourselves against an illness that is killing g close to 1000 a day.

It seems petty and it's just food but it is our only contact with the public right now and we have the ability to limit that contact.

A 39 year old work colleague in another region has just died of CV this week leaving 4 kids.

I want us all to live as normal a life as we can and I'm not asking my family to eat gruel but ffs if you go on a once fortnightly shop visit buy food we all want to eat and eat the fresh stuff first.

MaxNormal

We don’t have much freezer or food storage space. So it would not be possible to freeze bread or have extra UHT milk put away.

Shops were heaving round here yesterday. Are you sure the fresh items weren't all he could get?

When we've done a big shop we go through and look at best before/use by dates on food and write a meal plan on the kitchen whiteboard. And also write up what food needs eating first? Would that help?

some of what you've written is over-controlling though - with 4 of you in the house, surely a loaf of bread gets eaten well before it goes off? (and actually I'd say that just bought fresh bread should be used for sandwiches, not toast if you want to really go down the route of maximising every bit of food eating).

The bread and pastries etc in the freezer are for when we get to say day 7 and the fresh bread has gone. Then you bake the frozen pastries for breakfast until the next shop and thaw some pitta for dinner. Same with potatoes. We have potatoes and when they have been eaten there are waffles, oven chips, hash browns etc in the freezer. That will get us through the second week until the next fortnightly shop.

Guys, if eating this way doesnt make sense to you please think about it and limit your shop visits too.

@goteam I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague.

A bonus I've found from shopping so infrequently is that we're saving money, which helps mitigate the lack of offers and the price rises that we've noticed. It's made me realise how many favourites, snacks and other bits will go into the trolley at each shop normally.

Yabsu (s=slightly) and if it's that specific and important you need to go yourself .xxx

You haven’t stated you’re not able to go yourself (eg not a driver) so I wonder if maybe next time it’s best that you go rather than him if what he gets upsets you so much? May help you to feel like you have more control over the situation. Otherwise I would just write a comprehensive list. Some people just don’t shop in an organised way, my DM is the same and it’s driven my DF mad for 30 years - some things you just need to let go!

That would really frustrate me. I’m having to explain about not using tins when we have fresh to my DH too. I imagine you must have but have you looked into veg boxes in your area?

OP, I mention was the fresh food even there for him to buy because I find we have been shopping top ups more than usual because half the time shelves are empty and there is no fresh vegetables or only a few items left. So we have to go back the next day in the hopes that what wasn’t there yesterday will be restocked today.

I agree it’s good to minimise the trips but sometimes that is not possible. Try not to be too anxious.

That would annoy me op. Does your dh do cooking and meal planning? I think those are skills that don’t come naturally to some people. My exh was a terrible cook and I know if I wrote him a list with ‘onions’ and there were none it wouldn’t occur to him that perhaps red onions or leeks could be used - depending on what I was cooking so he’d come back with nothing. My new partner is a bit more experimental and would take a risk and generally find an alternative. Some people will never take an interest in meal planning or cooking so will just never be any good at this. This is the same for using stuff from the freezer rather than fresh. My ex might take something out of the freezer for breakfast without checking that we’ve got 3 pints of milk to use up and porridge or cereal would be less wasteful.

I would try to involve your dh in meal planning a bit more. I’m a single mum and involve my dc when I make a list and they are starting to get an interest in what I use to cook things with. If your dh doesn’t care then you’ll always be frustrated, just make him do gardening or housework and do the shopping yourself

@NotAnotherUserNumber sorry you cant get deliveries. Our second week definitely isn't that healthy but (for example) butternut squash lasts ages we (with my oversight I'm afraid) ate the more perishable fruit and veg first and saved things like onions potatoes and butternut squash for week two. A roasted butternut squash makes lists of meals. I'm vegan so it might not be everyone's cup.of tea! Also saved several bananas until overripe for baking.

@MaxNormal she was my age and we only worked together a few times but very sad. Really hit home.

I am only a few times removed from quite a few people who have come down with it. The rest thankfully recovered.

Sorry but YABU to expect him to go food shopping and think to buy everything you want while he's going around the shop.

Even in "normal" circumstances I struggle to think when I'm food shopping, when I go to the shop without a list, it takes me ages and I stress about forgetting things. In the current situation when it's important to minimise shopping trips and time spent physically going around the shop, I think a shopping list is essential. DH and I have been writing lists together to make sure we maximise shopping trips and get everything we want (provided it's in stock).

I also think it's unreasonable to limit shopping trips to one every 2 weeks, that seems extreme to me. Most people would say weekly is fine. As a compromise how about once every 10 days?

I assume delivery or click&collect are not an option?

Just freeze some of the bread

*lots of meals

We are shopping every 7-10 days and have a whiteboard in the kitchen. Everything that we want/need has to be on the whiteboard or it doesn't get bought. The one way systems and social distancing systems mean that shopping is not as easy as it was, ie, my husband forgot to get eggs but couldn't get back to pick them up, so I do think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to be following all the rules, buying what's on the list and thinking about what wasn't on the list that he ought to be buying

While I generally agree about eating fresh food first you sound like you're over thinking it. Not everything is available in the shops at the moment. Freeze a few slices of bread in the freezer space the croissants left and use it for toast next week.

I would either give him a list or go yourself, tbh.
Doing a fortnightly shop without any topups does require some organisation and planning, and it sounds as if you're better at it than him.
I know it's not a popular viewpoint on mumsnet (for women to be responsible for shopping and mealplanning etc) but the health of your young child is potentially at risk, so I would over ride that in this situation.