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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 08/04/2020 21:09

I’d go too, to me seeing a parent before they die is essential. No need to all self-isolate when you’re back if you’re only speaking through the window and at a safe distance? Try to stop for Petrol where you can pay at the pump

ShouldIVisit · 08/04/2020 21:11

So sorry. Flowers

I am in the same situation- my Dad does not have Covid but is expected to die in the next few days and receiving palliative care. Doctors and nurses I have spoken to have said it is considered essential travel. (PM me if you like).

Honestly, every time my mum wants to catch up on EastEnders on the IPlayer, it’s a 20
minute phone call. The thought of her trying to understand a WhatsApp video call is actually making me laugh.

We have the same problem with technology ... Wink

This may a a ridiculous suggestion but could you camp in the garden rather than sleep in the car?

ShouldIVisit · 08/04/2020 21:12

Bold fail Hmm

ACupOfTeaSolvesEverything · 08/04/2020 21:15

My mum died a few months ago and I held her hand as she died. In your situation I would go and sit with him and hold his hand. Then scrub, clean, disinfect and isolate.

Twixes · 08/04/2020 21:17

Go. You do not want to regret it afterwards. Hugs.

Queenoftheashes · 08/04/2020 21:21

I would go and stay with your mum for the 14 days.

Healthyandhappy · 08/04/2020 21:22

U may get into trouble with police going all that way btw. Of get stopped and your asked why your out and say I'm not poorly but I'm visiting my dad whose doing or covid19 to possibly infect myself and spread it or end up poorly yourself. He has everyone else their I wouldn't risk it x

Wineiscooling · 08/04/2020 21:22

I would go, be with him for however long it takes and then self isolate for 14 days after. Sorry you're in this situation. It's an awful position to be in.

Andorra155 · 08/04/2020 21:22

I would go and stay with your mum for 14 days. So sorry for you and your family.

Healthyandhappy · 08/04/2020 21:23

Its not classed as essential travel x

Talulahoopla · 08/04/2020 21:23

I'd go OP. I lost my dad last year and it's difficult enough without missing the opportunity to say goodbye. The nurses and doctors all said my dad had a good death because he was surrounded by everyone he loved when he passed. You don't ever get that chance again and a video call or message can't even come close to being able to hold his hand and tell him you love him. If you've been isolating then chances are you don't have it and your mum's already exposed. Yes your dad has it but, provided you're fit and healthy, I'd take my chances and nothing would stop me being there to hold his hand and support my mum. If it means you need to stay with your mum for two weeks or isolate on return then I'd do it without question.

Sexnotgender · 08/04/2020 21:23

Oh my love I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you the right thing to do but if it was my dad I’d have to go. I hope you get to say goodbye Flowers

agonyauntie2020 · 08/04/2020 21:24

Death is very final. I wonder how old he is, how prepared you are? If it were me, I'd drive, stand in the garden and wave through the window so he knew I was there, sleep in the car, drive home. No need for isolation when you get home. Later on, in years to come, I'd feel better that I did what I could to ease his mind. On the other hand, as others have said, if you think that would make him worry about you and not ease his mind, then FaceTime etc. My advice is to try to think about how you feel afterwards if you can. And hugs to you. The loss of a parent is profound, especially I think, if it wasn't expected or they were on the younger side. II speak from experience. Flowers

Healthyandhappy · 08/04/2020 21:26

Why are people telling u to move in with your mum who may have covid19. Seriously. Boris Johnson is in itu. Kids are dying teens are dying they have no underlying health condition. Do not travel

Krapom · 08/04/2020 21:26

This is what I would do too.

Strawberrypancakes · 08/04/2020 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krapom · 08/04/2020 21:29

This is what I would do to.

@Strawberrypancakes

If it was me, I would go. Not through the window, I would go to the house and go in and sit and hold his hand.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/04/2020 21:31

If you want to go then go. I think I would in that situation but stay outside unless you want to stay with your mum for 2 weeks. Might be good to pack things so you have the option when there.
How hard to be so far away. Am sorry OP.
Maybe there is a small chance he'll pull through? Not that I wish to give false hope, but possible perhaps?
Take care and safe trip. Flowers

CaptainNelson · 08/04/2020 21:33

I would go, see my dad, stay with my mum for 2 weeks because she'll need you. I don't actually think it's a dilemma. So sorry for you, OP, and so scared I'll be in a similar position soon. Flowers

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/04/2020 21:34

It's no good telling the OP to go and be with her mum for a couple of weeks. If she goes to be with her mum, it needs to be in the knowledge that she could be down there for a month or two. And if her dh or dd get sick in that time, she wont necessarily be able to hurry back.

londonrach · 08/04/2020 21:34

Op...this situation is hearbreaking. I totally understand why you want to go and in normal situation of course. However you are dealing with a virus that kills here and you dad is confirmed. Ive just seen my healthly no previous medical conditions dh struggle to breathe for five years. Your parents house is vvvv unsafe now with the virus everywhere, all surfaces, all lightswitches, bathroom, taps, doorhandles How ill someone gets depends on their medical condition but also how much virus that take in which is why some brave nurses, doctors and bus drivers have died. How would your dh and 15 year old cope without you.

I vote for getting someform on line access even if you pay to get a phone with its own internet and talk to your dad that way.

Im really sorry you have to go through this xxxx

Alanna1 · 08/04/2020 21:35

I’d go. I’d drive. You could sleep in the car. You could take a tent and sleep on their front garden if they have one - or someone else lend you a front garden.

londonrach · 08/04/2020 21:36

Five day not years although at 1am it felt like years

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 08/04/2020 21:37

I agree with @Strawberrypancakes

If it was me, I would go. Not through the window, I would go to the house and go in and sit and hold his hand.

And then stay in quarantine with your mum afterwards

Flowers
Confuddledtown · 08/04/2020 21:40

Go.

Say goodbye to your father.

Support your mother.

Be with your family.

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