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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
happiness1212121 · 08/04/2020 20:39

GO AND SEE HIM!
You will regret it if you don't. My parents have both passed away. You will never get this moment again with him. It will be worth the journey to see him.

frumpety · 08/04/2020 20:41

Has your Dad actually been tested for Covid or has the Doctor decided that given his symptoms he is likely to have it ? Its just they don't seem to be testing people who haven't been admitted to hospital, has he been in hospital and then discharged home with a package of care ?
Personally I would go and stay with them, I would drive there if possible. It really is the worst time to be dealing with one of the worst situations OP Flowers

givemeacall · 08/04/2020 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EauDeChlorine · 08/04/2020 20:42

Personally I would go.

In some European countries relatives are allowed in with dying Covid patients in special hospital rooms. Some PPE is given and relatives have to self isolate for 2 weeks afterwards. My friend has just lost her dad in those circumstances and she is comforted by the fact she was there in the end. Take care OP Flowers

orangejuicer · 08/04/2020 20:42

Sorry OP.

Just go.

Hoarder123 · 08/04/2020 20:44

My heart goes out to you squeaver. There is no easy solution. My heart says go, my head says don’t, which I suspect is how you are feeling. I couldn’t go and just look through the window. Even if that was what I intended to do, I know once I got there I would have to go in to hold his hand one last time. Only you can make this decision. You have to weigh things up and decide which outcome you can live with. Hugs. 💐

rosiejaune · 08/04/2020 20:45

I would go, and then stay for 14 days after your first exposure. If you haven't developed symptoms you can then go home on the train. If you do, then you stay for 7 days after you get symptoms (or for as long as it takes for the fever to go if that's longer).

And while you're there, you could sort the internet issue out so others can video call him.

Fortyfifty · 08/04/2020 20:46

I can understand how awful this must be. Don't underestimate how it could affect your teenage daughter to have you gone for two weeks so many miles away with the fear of your catching the virus. If your sister is near enough to support your mum in the weeks after, I'd stay home and speak to your dad via video, via a phone using 4G - could your sister drop one of?

suggestionsplease1 · 08/04/2020 20:48

I would go. I would prepare to stay for a period of time as well and that means you are there to support your mother as well as your father, whatever happens. Your DH and DD will be fine by themselves for a while.

So sorry that you and so many others are having to contemplate these issues right now. This is one of the hardest things.

Daffodil101 · 08/04/2020 20:48

Gosh this is very hard. I think I’d go and wear as much PPE as possible, I’d ask the visiting medical team to supply what they can. Protect your eyes with a mask too.

But on the other hand, I’d be reluctant to expose myself to the virus. DH is an intensive care consultant and hes shocked at the number of young heathy adults dying.

Original poster
squeaver · 08/04/2020 20:48

He has been tested. They didn’t admit him to hospital because he can get hospital-at-home. I think they only do it in Scotland. If he was in hospital he’d be dying alone so that’s one thing.

I’m waiting to speak to the nurse. I just wanted to say: my dad hasn’t left the house for over a year. He has carers who come twice a day. My mum may be asymptomatic, as could one of the carers but we have no idea how he could have got it.

Please stay at home.

OP posts:
WTFsMyUserName · 08/04/2020 20:49

I would go.

Plenty of Drs and healthcare workers caring for covid19 patients and then not required to self isolate.

I couldn't not go and the inconvenience of a long drive there and back wouldn't even come into it.

It's the last time you'll see each other.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Thanks

Isla727 · 08/04/2020 20:51

In your position I would go, hug or hold hands in person and then self-isolate with Mum for 14 days after.

underneaththeash · 08/04/2020 20:51

Definitely go if you feel comfortable with it, but don’t go if you don’t. I’m sorry.

Isitweekendyet · 08/04/2020 20:51

If you don't go, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

I'd go and then self isolate with your mum for fourteen days

If anything is an essential journey I would say this.

I'm so so sorry, OP.

Turin · 08/04/2020 20:52

I would go. I know I would regret it forever if I didn’t.

Paddlinglikehell · 08/04/2020 20:53

I’m so sorry your going through this, my Mum is three hours away and I have a dd the same age.

My first thought was to go, I was there for my Dad and whilst hard, I’m glad. I think you could support your mum too afterwards.

Then I got to thinking about if it would upset your Dad to think he had put you at risk, if he understands the risks. How does your mum feel? I think you also need to ask your dd how she feels about you going, this may actually be very scary for her too.

It technically could be longer than the 14 days, so you need to factor that in too.

You also have to expect to get it if you do go. Has your mum got symptoms? If think I’ve had it, it’s not pleasant but manageable, however I’m Day 22 and still not right, the coughing is horrendous, you have to factor the chances of that happening at any time during your 14 days with your Mum. I’m just glad I’ve been at my own home and not anywhere else.

I think you need to have some conversations with others involved and take into account their feelings, as hard as that may be. x

Take care.

LH1987 · 08/04/2020 20:54

I'd go, be as careful as possible on the way and then isolate when you get back. Im so sorry, good luck.

ElephantLover · 08/04/2020 20:54

Could you courier over a phone with a working SIM card? Then she doesn't need to depend on WiFi & it would be all set up.

Alsohuman · 08/04/2020 20:56

You poor love. How dreadful. I’d go and self isolate there too. Your mum’s going to need support. So sorry. 💐

e1y1 · 08/04/2020 21:00

Your parents end of life IS essential and anyone who says otherwise isn't thinking correct. What an earth would your DM do if he goes and she is on her own?

Go and then stay (you wouldn't be able to come back as you would have to isolate once you've been in contact).

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

Bornlazy · 08/04/2020 21:01

If you don’t go OP that’s ok too. Life is far from normal at the moment and there is no right and wrong Flowers

Ilovemypantry · 08/04/2020 21:04

I’m so sorry OP, what an awful situation to be in.

If it was me I would definitely go, to be able to say goodbye to your Dad and then to support your Mum in the days after....she will need you there. Stay for 14 days, or longer if you need to. I think if you’ve no symptoms after 14 days you should be ok to come back on the train.

Aquafresca · 08/04/2020 21:08

So so sorry that you are going through this horrific and painful situation honey. Handhold and hugs. In my opinion if you live with young children then you could may be plan a visit via train by taking all the necessary precautions, gloves, masks, sanitizer, packed lunch, cards /cash for emergencies, some essential shopping for your mother if she needs anything just to convey your love and support and anything else you deem fit. If you can, try not to stay over. It's a new virus and no nation has an exit plan yet so, wherever possible try to work within the government guidelines. May be talk to him thorough the garden.Sending you strength.I will be praying for you and your family.

Katypyee · 08/04/2020 21:09

I know if it was me, I would go. Then I would isolate myself from my family when I got home. I would want to be there. I am sorry this is happening to you.

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