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Cats , Flaps and The Clap

942 replies

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 08:55

The other thread is filling up fast so setting up the foundation for our new evil lair. One where we follow real guidelines, not made up ones, make sock cocks ,ruin hair and bemoan the shortage of Spanish soldiers.

This is where we'll keep each other sane or descend into madness together... depends on the day.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
61
waterlego · 06/04/2020 09:22

Love this thread title 😆

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 09:34

The rules that are NOT allowed on here.

Any form of moaning,worrying or questioning anything is not allowed . You want people to die.

You are only allowed to shop once a week, but only if you're starving. Otherwise just make it into a how long does a slice if bread last competition.

No children should be seen in public,especially not in supermarkets. If you're a single parent leave them at home,in the car or tied up a leash outside the shop.

Only one hour of exercise per day, preferably walking repeatedly around the block or jogging on the spot on your doorstep.

If you're selfish enough to want more then the limit is 2 kms, but make sure you do your shopping,dog walking, child walking and anything else at the same time.

No online shopping allowed,particularly not anything "nice".

Waving at a friend is conspiracy to commit socialising and akin to treason.

No using trampolines,slides, bikes, scooters etc.The NHS won't cope.

No driving in case you break down or have an accident. Either you'll interact with someone else or overwhelm emergency services. Oh and let's not forget that it means you'll have to get more petrol which is a peak infection point.

No buying chocolate,melons,crisps or any other non basic item.

No admissions of struggling with your mental health. You are collateral damage. Suck it up and deal with it.

The mythical chicken now became the mythical bread that lasts a whole week, that not only doesn't get mouldy but doesn't get eaten either.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 06/04/2020 09:53

Thanks Princess, great title.
Just pulling up a comfy chair for later.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 06/04/2020 10:00

I never did ask what the mythical chicken was?

Danceswithwarthogs · 06/04/2020 10:04

Love this Grin

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 10:19

@Thepigeonsarecoming you've been missing out and wasting your life and money away.

The mythical chicken is the chicken that you have for a roast Sunday and then still feed a family of four for the rest of the week. Unlimited sandwiches, soups, pasta etc.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 06/04/2020 10:20

Thanks for the clarifying the guidelines Grin

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 10:30

Breaking News!!!

New amendment to the NOT rules.

If you and any neighbour are out in your gardens at any time, you must promptly abandon children,leave laundry to be darked on and scurry back inside.

No laughter,singing, talking or breathing allowed.

Your own property (garden,drive etc) now counts as outside/travelling and you can only be in them for the essential reasons.

Only one person from the household is allowed in the garden/drive at any time, preferably an adult as kids are germy superspreaders.

OP posts:
buttonmoonb4tea · 06/04/2020 10:34
Grin
SmileyClare · 06/04/2020 10:39

10 Signs that you're not very good at lockdowns:

  1. You can't make home made bread
  2. Your plans to start daily powerwalking were thwarted by blisters on day 2
  3. Your swing ball is gathering dust and your teenagers laugh when you suggest a family game of snakes and ladders.
  4. Your wfh/home schooling plans have gone to shit
  5. Sometimes you don't have a grip and lie in bed panicking profusely.
  6. You've lost track of who you're clapping/dancing/wanking for and when
  7. You're spending too long worrying about your roots.
  8. You've made a cock sock
  9. You forgot to disinfect your flaps for the postman
10. You spent 2 hours yesterday Not talking to your husband or cat.
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/04/2020 10:39

This is the shit that is peppering my Facebook and now LinkedIn - I am absolutely so over this, having been married to someone in the past that had OCD it makes me so mad that fucknuts post this dreadful misinformation and bollocks that feeds mental ill health.

ACH!!!!! I want to scream and you guys are the only people that I can actually rant to, no movement anywhere else.

Cats , Flaps and The Clap
waterlego · 06/04/2020 10:39

I’m going to have to take issue with rule #5 in your first post Op:

If you're selfish enough to want more then the limit is 2 kms, but make sure you do your shopping,dog walking, child walking and anything else at the same time

This rule has now changed as decreed by a poster yesterday who said that an OP could not combine dropping groceries to her mother’s house with walking the dog on the green opposite said mother’s house. This is because you are not allowed to drive somewhere to walk your dog. Instead, the person should drive to mother’s to drop the groceries, return home and THEN take her dog out from home. This will reduce the risk of transmission. It’s science.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2020 10:44

This rule has now changed as decreed by a poster yesterday who said that an OP could not combine dropping groceries to her mother’s house with walking the dog on the green opposite said mother’s house. This is because you are not allowed to drive somewhere to walk your dog. Instead, the person should drive to mother’s to drop the groceries, return home and THEN take her dog out from home. This will reduce the risk of transmission. It’s science.

Christ on a bike its getting fricking worse! How could they write that and not think "Well thats fecking ridiculous, better not post it."?

SmileyClare · 06/04/2020 10:47

Agreed PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Can I add that any question related to the current guidelines must by law be replied to as follows;
YOUR NOT ALOUD!!! YOU FUCKING MORON MURDERER. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. DIE.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 10:59

How could they write that and not think "Well thats fecking ridiculous, better not post it."?

Because everyone wants to be the hero! The one that battered and shamed someone else into "staying home" and thus saving lives.

Since the guidelines are fairly strict already and posters are making up rules more often than they change their socks, the sky is the limit when it comes to ridiculousness.

It does give me a giggle when even the dark side try to one up each other and trying to steal the competitive quarantining badge.
I breathe less than you, I bleach more than you, I'm staying at home better than you.

OP posts:
waterlego · 06/04/2020 12:09

the sky is the limit when it comes to ridiculousness. Absolutely!

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 06/04/2020 12:56

Hi! Can I join? Have read the whole previous thread and it's given me a good giggle! I was starting to dislike MN before all this and then realised how much the made up rules were getting into my headSad You lot are a breath of fresh air! I am going to admit to the following sins:

  1. Our daily exercise today took 70 minutes, 5 of which were spent talking to a neighbour who was telling me all about the lockdown breaking walks she's been going on. I kept my mouth shut, as I think the risk of her spreading COVID-19 whilst sitting in an empty field drinking beer is fairly limited. I'm also not a nosey interfering cow and think most people are sensible enough to make their own judgements.

  2. On Saturday I went to the shops for a the third time since coming out of isolation on Monday, to buy wine, milk, beer, butter and bananas.

  3. I have been making a point of taking my one hour of exercise outside the house every day. I would go absolutely fucking nuts otherwise!

  4. We went to a local beauty spot the day before the lockdown was announced. We'd never been there before and it was busy. We kept to the social distancing rules as much as possible. I am still not sure how this broke any government guidelines, even though Mr Wanksock Hancock got quite upset about itConfused

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/04/2020 14:14

Can I join you please? I've been told I'm thick because DH bought me chocolate when he was buying some milk. Apparently he shouldn't have been shopping for milk, let alone buying me something frivolous. However it won't happen again as I learned today that cheese is a handy substitute for milk!

I've decided there's a competition somewhere on MN to see who can come up with the most miserable ways to spend lockdown!

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 14:19

Join away... we don't allow miserable on here. Dare I say on the previous thread there has even been laughter,giggling, gossiping and many many lewd innuendos. As well as chocolate, wine,gin and hot cross buns.

We're doing fun quarantine . Laughter is the best medicine ...right? Maybe add an apple too just in case.Grin

OP posts:
Francesthemute · 06/04/2020 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 06/04/2020 14:48

@Francesthemute you need to post your failed, sorry artistic masterpieces. Grin

We bond through our failures here. Be that staying in in not out in or crafts or bats and balls or STD riddled Spanish soldiers.

OP posts:
FredWinnie · 06/04/2020 14:48

Hi
I'm just slipping in for my daily dose of sanity
The last thread was just a breath of fresh air

10 Signs that you're not very good at lockdowns:

When you go out at half past four in the morning and decide to photograph the moon because that'll be the highlight of your effing day?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/04/2020 14:52

OH MY GOD @Letmegetthisrightasawoman

BANANAS

THE PROFLIGACY

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 06/04/2020 14:59

I KNOW, RIGHT??? (well, actually I didn't, and had to look up what profligacy meantBlush)

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/04/2020 15:07

Well DH I and I have both been in the front garden - at the same time! I haven't heard the police helicopter yet so I'm presuming the neighbours haven't shopped us yet...

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