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Original poster

The problem with 'essential'

78 replies

YellowCorvette · 01/04/2020 09:34

Those around me have a very different definition of what 'essential' means. Currently I'm leaving the house to exercise when it's quiet once a day and food shopping every 9-10 days, going without some stuff but I'm okay.

Yesterday my DM drove an hour and half to pick up some Ebay items from a seller. She genuinely believed it was 'essential' because she wanted the items (things for the garden).

I tried to tell her it was absolutely not essential, she was being selfish, and I actually hoped she'd get stopped by the police and fined, but she was adamant about going.

She's also going to the supermarket every day because she thinks it's 'essential' she has fresh salad every day (she'll only buy enough for the day!!!) despite me saying I'll prefer to drop off anything/everything she needs once a week.

But she keeps harping back to 'we're allowed to do what's essential, and it's essential to me'.

Should the government be a lot clearer so people like my DM understand? She really doesn't think she's flouting guidelines. It's so frustrating.

OP posts:
OldUnit · 01/04/2020 09:41

I don't have any advice but I hear you. I'm currently quickly visiting our local Morrisons once a week and not really leaving the house, but my Mother is absolutely not taking this seriously. She has a freezer she won't eat out of because she 'doesn't fancy it' and is currently nipping your the shops every day. She also maintains the media is making more of this than is necessary, that 'more people die of flu' and that it's ridiculous'.
I've tried till I'm blue in the face to drive this home to her. I wonder if there's an element of a different generation in it.

IpeartreeI · 01/04/2020 09:42

She's being silly. Of course items for the garden aren't essential. This is the problem with today's society where everyone is the centre of their own universe. Sometimes you have to do things for the greater good.

QueenZoopla · 01/04/2020 09:45

The govt are relying on people having common sense and / or not taking the piss, which should be fine, but doesn't work in practice. Our neighbours have got 3 builders in today (yep, all working in close proximity) to start work on their new kitchen. Is that essential? Yes, to the builders to stay in business? Essential to extend your kitchen Hmm?

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/04/2020 09:49

I'm with you OP. A friend of mine is self-isolating for 7 days and messaged me yesterday asking if I can go to M&S for him to pick up some food items. I was a bit surprised given that he had a Tesco delivery on Mon evening but thought maybe some essential items must have been missing. I'm only going out to the supermarket every 7-8 days (trying to leave it as long as possible) so not due another trip for quite a few days. I don't particularly want to go early as every trip increases my risk but I felt guilty so I said I'd make a special trip to the shops for him and asked him what he needs. He just texted me to say bananas and crumpets (and a very specific brand of crumpets). Am I being a bitch or is he having a laugh?? Crumpets????!! Since when are crumpets essential? So I'm going to increase my risk because he wants some bloody crumpets?!!! Give me strength.Angry

Lolly49 · 01/04/2020 09:52

My kettle died yesterday overuse I think from four adults at home.
DH has gone and bought another one because it’s essential to us.

ilovecakeandwine · 01/04/2020 09:59

I agree some people do have a different idea on what essential is .
I relative I know who's retired who before all this regularly goes on walks with groups obviously can't do that now, told me she went walking near home fine but for 10 miles so took all day . Is that essential no but she didn't drive no one near her and she's fit and well and often does that .
My dm doesn't drive so df does the food shop she stays home . Her exercise is a walk to nearest shop for her magazines , is it essential no but it's exercise and it's keeping her mind busy and keeping her spirits up to go out for a magazine .
I regularly go out for a run/walk on my own or with dc , my dh doesn't and tbh I don't think he'd mind staying indoors for weeks he doesn't even go in the garden . This would send me potty but I think we are all different and we shouldn't judge . Yes garden things aren't essential nor is going to the shop daily it should be less often as possible .

Greenbutterlfy566 · 01/04/2020 10:04

I know people who are carrying on as completely normal. They are in their 30's.

Qasd · 01/04/2020 10:04

Given the government actually designated off licences as essential shops to stay open yes I think opinions differ! many on Mumsnet seem to think milk is not essential but the government basically said wine is😂!

YDYtrue · 01/04/2020 10:12

PIL are still popping to the supermarket every day or other day to get the paper and a few bits for dinner. They have two extremely well stocked freezers, a large fridge, and a larder but because they have become accustomed to deciding what they want to eat that day and then popping out to get just enough for that meal they are continuing to do so

goshdarnitjanet · 01/04/2020 10:15

I have decided that once this is all over I am never using the word essential again. I am even finding I am saying it to my husband - I am just going to the shop to buy essentials...….

BarbaraofSeville · 01/04/2020 10:24

You can argue all day as to what 'essential' means.

Most people would agree that driving an hour and a half to pick up ebay items bought since the start of the lockdown is not essential. She's at risk of being fined by the police for that.

Nor is daily shopping for things that could be bought less frequently, I'm surprised she can be bothered with the queues to get into the shops for that for a start.

But I don't think you have to go to the other extreme and say that you can only go once a week/fortnight is necessary, or decide that people can't buy certain items.

A maximum of 2 or 3 times a week for shopping is probably a good compromise, especially for larger families who might be constrained item item limits, or people who go on foot and can't carry a week's shopping in one go, or to allow for things that weren't available or have run out.

But taking it to the extreme, if you have any food at all in the house, you could argue that going out is 'not essential'. But I don't think this is the expectation of the government, more that people aren't going every day or more.

salsmum · 01/04/2020 10:27

I'm here with my DD who is very vulnerable she is SI I went to our local tesco express 2 days ago for milk, egg and bread as I was almost out of all 3 while we waited in the queue it was chilly and just started to rain slightly.
The idiot behind me mistook a foot and a half with 6 foot one guy.came out openly carrying a bag of maltesers and a 2 litre bottle of coke and once inside there was a fella who definitely needed a good wash carrying a large crate of cider 🤦‍♀️🤬

NewYearNewJob123 · 01/04/2020 10:35

I think MN needs another topic.

'Things other people are doing that I'm judging'

Sounsociable · 01/04/2020 10:39

I'm getting a bit Hmm with DH about this.
His Dad is still going to the corner shop to get the paper everyday. FiL is in his 80s and it's the Daily Mail DH doesnt see a problem with this. I'm not sure why he cant get it delivered.
His mate called up and asked if he wanted to join their normal monday night sports team for informal sports.(outdoors) I said well obviously no, and he said "oh, you dont think we should?" Like it was just me being a fun sponge!! I pointed out that apart from the obvious -non essential factor, and not meeting with people outside your family, if people saw them, the sports club might be held accountable which wasnt fair as they had emailed members saying they were closed !!
And he mooted the idea of driving an hour to mow the lawn at a deceased relatives house!
I have so far persuaded him against the ideas (cant do anything about FIL) but feel like I'm banging my head against a wall!

user1493413286 · 01/04/2020 10:41

Me and DH have that discussion regularly as what he thinks of as essential is not as far as I’m concerned

dottiedodah · 01/04/2020 11:08

Obviously an hour and a half drive to collect E Bay items is stretching it a bit ,but we are not under house arrest ! If someone walks to the shop each day for a paper that is completely different.Most people like to have treats especially at a time like this! I went on a mercy dash to the SM yesterday aft for DD who needed some more tampons ,As I was there got some baking items and bread .Saw a Mum (with child)! with 1 lot of milk and some sweets! Maybe essential for her ,or if she doesnt drive ,needs to get things day by day . In the Papers Police were being heavy handed by stopping motorists who had bought some Easter Eggs!(Are they ever as quick to apprehend heavily tattooed party people keeping everyone up with Anti Social behaviour though?!)

NewYearNewJob123 · 01/04/2020 11:25

I just posted this on another thread:

I live alone and was depressed anyway. What used to help a lot was having a couple of things a week to look forward to involving family/friends.

That's all now not possible. I spend 24/7 alone, have nothing to look forward to and don't know how many weeks or months it might be till I get a kiss, a hug or even just touched by someone.

Yes, i'm going out for non-essentials. Not even every day but non-essentials none the less because my shopkeeper asking how I am or that bottle of wine I buy is literally the only thing preventing my suicide right now.

The idea that someone would see me and then post on an internet forum about me being a selfish twat or a murderer or stupid is just so, so awful.

Leflic · 01/04/2020 11:30

There’s a lot of tax on wine and fags and it keeps people happy ( obviously not those with issues).
They can’t do without some revenue.

Sparklingbrook · 01/04/2020 11:33

I have to go to the petrol station today to get petrol so I can still get to work. And some cat food.
But I still feel bad going out. ☹️

YogaLite · 01/04/2020 11:34

Friend of a friend volunteered for NHS to deliver supplies locally, my understanding was these are supposed to be essential supplies. One of her tasks was to get plants for the garden. Pisstaking?

Srslydontgiveacrap · 01/04/2020 11:46

This essential vs. non-essential debate will never end. I think the key is to not go to the shop too often, it doesn't matter what you buy when you get there. If it did, the shops should just sell us already prepared boxes of food.

Iwantacookie · 01/04/2020 11:56

OP yanbu. Just yesterday my dm called to ask if I needed anything from the supermarket despite going on sunday. Ample food/supplies yet she insists on going shopping. Shes been getting me more bits than I've been picking up from her.
The way she sees it her and my dad are not yet 70 so dont need to worry.
Apparently me pointing out coronavirus isn't going take it easy on them because they're a couple of years out was idiotic Hmm

Drivemybluecar · 01/04/2020 11:57

Storage workers are classed as key workers. My husband had someone come into the office asking about storage for three boxes in September. September. I don’t class that as essential. As he could have just phoned. He also saw someone at the car wash. Again. Not essential. But then online I was told that both were essential so what do I know

Flaxmeadow · 01/04/2020 11:58

It isn't fair

We have doctors, nurses, cleaners working long shifts in dangerous conditions, even with protective clothing, it's still a risk. I cannot begin to imagine the stress these people are going through every single day

On the other hand there are still people making non essential journeys for their "treats". Because they "need" their treats and must have their treats.

I despair

cologne4711 · 01/04/2020 12:17

I think a kettle is essential too.

I also think it is fine to collect stuff for the garden and in some states in Germany garden centres are open. At the very least I think they should be permitted to do click and collect in the UK.

Just be careful if you are gardening and don't injure yourself. DH decided not to climb a ladder to cut a hedge on Saturday as it was windy. I think that was a sensible decision and I am not overly paranoid.