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To end a 19 year friendship for his careless actions?

31 replies

HavenDilemma · 30/03/2020 12:34

Hi
I have known a male friend since I was 16. Great guy for the most part. Always been a little opinionated and money driven but I always believed him to have a huge heart and knew right from wrong. I've spent hours & hours on the phone to him at times, over the years.

He used to have a problem with drugs but has always managed to function and hold down a job. He knew I never approached but I haven't ever been his girlfriend (have never looked at him like that) so I couldn't ever stop what he did in his spare time.
He stopped taking Cocaine when he became a Support Worker in a home for adults with mental health issues & learning difficulties. Eventually he stopped smoking weed too - Then told me about 6 months ago that he deals weed but doesn't smoke it! Confused

ANYWAY! Spoke to him yesterday, for the first time since this Coronavirus stuff has begun. We start chatting about how shocking it is etc. He then says "I went to my mate's house last night - his missus is a Nurse, and she said they..." I butt in and say "YOU DID WHAT?!"

Apparently it's ok because he knows for a FACT that he doesn't have it, his missus who is a Nurse has apparently been tested (she hasn't, no NHS staff have in our area yet), that he'd not been anywhere besides work in two weeks and he washes his hands, they weren't in a large group, "they know I'm clean, they're very clean people - they were cleaning their house vigorously when I got there" blah blah blah "I HAD to go round there last night, they needed weed..!" Hmm

Earlier in the conversation I had told him how I had had no choice whatsoever but to take my 5yr old to the supermarket last week (as my only family is my 76yr old mother who is in isolation and as I can't get a delivery, I had no other option or else we'd have had no food to eat! She is autistic & has a very specific diet which isn't accessible via local shops. I put her in the trolley to 'shield' her slightly from others, put a mask & gloves on her and she was told to cough into her elbow if she needed to & we were quick as we could be. Also sprayed trolley afterwards with rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle - No, I KNOW it's not ideal but I genuinely couldn't find ANYONE to go for us. Not even a neighbour! I couldn't go & do a big shop a week before as I was only just paid!)
and after I'd given him my opinion on him visiting his friend - especially with his job - he then told me that what I did (supermarket with child) was WORSE....!!!!!! Way worse in his opinion!

I cannot get it out of my head. He has mentioned how as part of his job, he's had to go shopping for the home he works in and has had medical staff visit the home whom he has let in through the door himself! All whilst doing as he pleases and seemingly believing the rules don't apply to him!
I've typed up a message on WhatsApp telling him how hurt I am by him telling me that my desperate measure of a 5 minute trip to a half empty Morrisons is worse than his selfish, ignorant actions.
I'm also a bit miffed that at no point did he think to ask me if I needed anything? He knows my circumstances! We've known each other 19 years and he knows I only have my Mum who is elderly! That last part alone, wouldn't bother me too much but I'm SO SO angry with him for all the people he has put at risk. The vulnerable people he works with, the vulnerable people his 'mate's missus' works with, the medical staff who have visited his place of work and all the people they subsequently have come into contact with, the list in endless.

Should I send the message? He doesn't take differing opinions well, as many don't (especially on MN, I've noticed since I joined!) and it would undoubtedly end our friendship. However I don't think I can get past this....

WWYD?

Thanks Brew

OP posts:
posie14 · 30/03/2020 12:39

He’s going to work, he’s an essential worker, the nurse is going to work and she’s an essential worker, is that right?

noloh1 · 30/03/2020 12:40

I wouldn’t send any message. What would be the point? I also wouldn’t be friends with a drug dealer. If you want to be friends with a selfish drug dealer that’s up to you. If you don’t, then cut him out of your life. Messaging will just lead to arguments, or he will say sorry, and then what? Do you want him to make excuses so he can be forgiven by you? Seems a bit weird.

whatdayisitandotherquestions · 30/03/2020 12:42

It sounds like you've grown up but he hasn't. Would you be friends if you met now?

I've lost a friend I think because of her ridiculous attitude to the crisis has shown up how warped her thinking is in general. But I do wish I'd phrased what I said to her better.

Maybe wait a couple of days before you send it so you're not sending in anger. But don't be afraid to move on if that's what's right for you. FWIE he sounds like a dick.

whatdayisitandotherquestions · 30/03/2020 12:42

*FWIW!

whatdayisitandotherquestions · 30/03/2020 12:44

noloh1 give over. Weed is very common in the UK. The OP's issue isn't with him selling weed, it's the way he's putting others at risk because of his arrogance.

HavenDilemma · 30/03/2020 12:46

Arrogance is EXACTLY it!

@whatdayisitandotherquestions I'm afraid it IS drug dealing and illegal. I nearly died from smoking a sodding joint - common or not

OP posts:
MigginsMrs · 30/03/2020 12:49

I wouldn’t send a message, I’d just bin him off, but then I don’t associate with druggie wastes of space in the first place so no loss.

HavenDilemma · 30/03/2020 12:50

@posie14 I'm absolutely not criticising him for going to work?!?! Hmm You've totally, totally missed my entire point! Someone has to care for his residents! Jesus

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 30/03/2020 12:52

I wouldn’t drop a friend for this. No way.

AutumnRose1 · 30/03/2020 12:52

Although he should have asked of you needed anything....

posie14 · 30/03/2020 12:53

So the issue is that he went to see a mate, then? Confused

HavenDilemma · 30/03/2020 12:53

@posie14 You really don't get it, do you?! HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
LH1987 · 30/03/2020 12:54

I wouldn't send anything now, as PP said you need to cool down before sending anything. If it were me, I wouldn't bother at all. This person doesn't sound worth the hassle and ultimately what will you achieve?

On a side note, you have to eat and feed your child so it is ridiculous someone making you feel bad about that!

MigginsMrs · 30/03/2020 12:55

So the issue is that he went to see a mate, then?

Against the rules but then berated Op for doing something permitted

Cohle · 30/03/2020 13:03

So you're totally fine with him being a drug dealer, but breaking the coronavirus guidelines is too far Confused

noloh1 · 30/03/2020 13:03

I think the point @posie14 is making is that he is an adult and can do what he wants. You don’t have to agree with him, you can decide the people that you have in your life. But you can’t really be sending messages telling him off. You’re not in a relationship and he can do what he likes. Even if that means he is a selfish drug dealer, that’s his prerogative.

FurtherFromTheTruth · 30/03/2020 13:08

I doubt very much his mate's wife is a nurse. What was the point of the public service advert with all those NHS staff members imploring people, and holding up posters telling people to 'stay at home' if they don't practice what they preach in their own circles? I wouldn't send a text though, like you say, he won't see your point. Just drop him.

posie14 · 30/03/2020 13:08

I do get it, OP. I’m just not convinced that this is the heinous crime you believe it to be.

Why did you post, if you don’t think you are unreasonable?

81Byerley · 30/03/2020 13:30

I probably wouldn't send the message, but I'd stop contact, and if he asked why, then I would tell him.

81Byerley · 30/03/2020 13:32

@posie14 Spreading the virus, as he probably is, is definitely a heinous crime.

posie14 · 30/03/2020 13:48

But he saw two people, he’s coming across far more at work.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 30/03/2020 13:55

So, your friend has broken the Govt rules by going out to see his mate and deal weed and has put them at risk.

You did nothing wrong in taking a child to the supermarket with you when there was no other option.

I wouldn't bother comparing the two. I would just tell him I can no longer be his friend. You can decide that for any reason you want.

You have just grown up and outgrown him.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 30/03/2020 13:57

@posie14

But he saw two people, he’s coming across far more at work.
We are not allowed out to see friends. What part of that don't you understand?

Reginabambina · 30/03/2020 13:59

I’m sorry, you were friends with him while he was dealing drugs but this is what you find unacceptable. His dealing would hurt far more people than a lockdown infringement which may ultimately do no harm at all.

posie14 · 30/03/2020 14:24

I understand it, I just personally don’t feel it is quite the dramatic crime op is making it out to be. She did after all ask for opinions, mine is that if a friend of mine did this, it wouldn’t make any difference to the friendship.

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