AIBU: Do you think London will lock down before funeral

[FortunesFavour]

Hi All

Similar to the wedding cancellation/Coronavirus threads, I have a sad dilemma.

My partner’s lovely mum sadly passed away shortly before CV infection reached the U.K. and her funeral and wake are next Friday.

We are in London, and in a borough with an infection rate in the top ten nationally to boot. Neither of us have symptoms and we’re staying at home as a precaution. Funeral is in his home town 2 hour drive away.

It would be stupid and irresponsible for us to go, we’d risk ourselves not to mention accidentally spreading it to other areas of the country from London. I know this. DP and family don’t seem to have grasped it at all. Can’t blame them really...they are consumed by grief and not paying proper attention to news bless them.

I feel a responsibility to raise it with them, warn them there might be disruption, talk to DP about the possibility of us not going or making alternative arrangements - highlighting the issue to them which they’ve missed while they are so distracted by grief if that makes sense.

But I worry it won’t be taken well, sticking my nose in when they’re having such a bad time. Plus how in earth can I not support my lovely DP at his mum’s funeral in his time of grief, or encourage him not to go. Aargh.

To be clear, DP and his whole family are really lovely, kind and considerate and we all get on well. They’re just floored by grief and not thinking straight.

I’ve raised it gently with a couple of them, but it’s a bit like water off a duck’s back. I’ll need to be blunt to raise the question of whether they should make it a smaller event, reconsider travel plans etc, which could go down badly.

But, it looks like London will go into lockdown shortly, so I’m wondering if I might avoid those difficult conversations as it will be taken out of my hands. I’m leaning towards this approach. But I’m not sure if lockdown would prevent Londoners like us visiting e.g the Midlands? Also will it happen in time for next Friday?

What do you think wise mumsnetters?:

YABU: I need to face up to it now and have those conversations with DP and family.

YANBU: Wait until Monday. London might well be in lockdown and we won’t be allowed to drive there anyway.

Thanks

Can I also add, I don’t mean to be glib about the circumstances we face or the terrible consequences of London isolation by raising it in connection with my dilemma which is nothing in comparison. I am fully on board with the severity and part of my concern is the risk we might inadvertently spread it if we do go. I’m just confused about what a London lockdown might mean, and trying to find a solution that won’t cause too much upset for DP and family when they are already going through such sad times.

Wait. Things, are changing every day. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring never mind next week.

So sorry that you are going through this, especially while all this is going on.

Where is the funeral? Around here (not a hot spot) you can only have immediate family. That's today's advice. Tomorrow's may be 'no funerals'.

Let the professionals break the news about the restrictions - vicar, funeral director etc. Then your dp and you can decide what to do.

what a sad dilemma, I am so sorry for your loss.

I'd say let the next few days happen. it will become clear how you should/can raise this without seeming like it is you making the decision.

Your DP’s mum so I think it’s fair to tell vulnerable guests not to attend rather than him miss out. If he has no symptoms then he can practice social distancing, not go home, wear gloves / use sanitizer. I think you should stay at home though sorry.

I don’t know if London will go on a ‘lockdown’ - Italian style.

So sorry for your loss.
The fact is nobody can say what will happen, I know there are those who claim their great uncle’s manager’s fiancé’s friend works in intelligence and they say X will happen on Y, but nobody really knows what things will look like in a week - best to wait and see

Anything that involves missing his mum's funeral is going to "cause upset". How old is he?

I've never really recovered from losing my mum. I can't even imagine how much more devastating it would have been if I'd been told I couldn't go to her funeral.

It was a distant family members funeral this week, I hear a crowd gathered still (although some people pulled out of attending). The funeral service people told my relatives that next week they'd only be able to have immediate family members. THis was Scotland. I know this doesn’t change your situation as your husband is of course immediate family, but there is a chance the funeral directors will have to adhere to some guidelines by next week - or you may not be able to leave london. It’s a very hard situation.

Wait until next week. Things are changing every day. There’s no way I’d miss my mums funeral.

Thanks for the kind responses everyone. She was a lovely lady so I’m v sad and he and family are devastated.

To answer a couple of questions - DP is 45 and wedding is in Birmingham.

I agree it’s not my place to raise it and worry it would go down badly. Hopefully funeral director or vicar say something to them and soon. At the moment they’re mourning and also focused on funeral catering, obituaries etc and haven’t spotted the massive elephant in the room.

Another reason I should keep my beak out is geography differences. Here in my London borough the message has totally got through at last - we have the dubious honour of being in top ten for national infection rate. So streets are quiet, people staying home and washing hands like crazy. Being cautious and feeling a bit scared tbh.

But I don’t think they’re at the same level in his area of Birmingham, so naturally might not have properly grasped the severity or need for caution yet. Another reason it could go down badly.

You’re right I think. Not my place and circumstances will probably overtake me. I’m saying nowt for now.

Thanks lovelies

Nobody on here could answer this with certainty, they can only give opinion.

He won’t lock London down until he has no other choice, I can’t see it being this weekend. Look at the schools he rightly didn’t do it until he absolutely needed to. I think they would give notice of a lockdown? So time for you DP to leave London at least

If I was your DP no way on this earth would I miss my own mothers funeral, absolutely nothing would stop me going. Lock down or not I’d be going grieving having not attending just awful

Im not sure you can ‘encourage’ your partner not to attend his mother’s funeral regardless of how ‘gently’ you try to talk to him about it.

You sound a bit patronising.

If this a Church of England funeral then you will find very firm guidance on funerals on the website. Only the priest or minister and very immediate family. The same applies to weddings - priest, bride groom and witnesses. I would think other denominations are publishing similar guidance.

In both cases no musicians or vergers. This guidance was published today so I am sure you will be contacted soon. Ask again if I can be of more help.

I very much doubt that London will go into a blanket compulsary lockdown anytime soon, though re-reading your post I see you're talking about next Friday, which is indeed a long time away.

To the extent that the church or whoever give you a choice over who attends, i think it'd be appropriate for just your DP and any siblings he has to attend.

Having attended a funeral myself today we went through similar dilemmas. We have been able to travel here and hopefully we get home tomorrow. Lots of places now do live streams for funerals. Is that an option you could look into? So sorry for your loss.

I think you need to be letting any vulnerable groups know that the infection rate is high in London. Could you consider cancelling the wake? People don’t need to gather at a pub to say goodbye, the priority is the service. Can you also encourage people to sit 2 seats apart and no hugs or handshakes. Hard of course but I remember my dads funeral, at the end everyone came out after us and hugged all of us. There’s no way I’d miss my parents funeral, but I would cancel the wake and put the above measures in place

I think by next Friday you’ll be looking at only the absolute core 2 or 3 people being allowed to be there, and then postponing the wake/memorial service until after all this is over. That gets rid of the social gathering problem element, and they’re going to have to give up on caterers etc for now.
But as PP have said, your DP is a core person - is there a way of him driving down there, staying well back from the celebrant and the other 2 or 3 people there and driving back? Perhaps by then even that won’t be possible, but it’s the best I can think of. I’ve lost my own mother, and I really feel for him.

Sorry for your loss. At such an awful time as this, you can't even have a proper funeral.
Isn't the recommendation only immediate family?
No mass gatherings. Minimal social interaction.

Evening, folks. So sorry for your loss, @FortunesFavour - we're moving your thread over to the Coronavirus topic now as we think that it's best placed there.

Ok thanks Lou

Regardless of London lock down, the bbc news was saying CfoE only allowing 5 people at weddings so imagine must be similar rules for funerals? Agree I wouldn’t want to miss my mums funeral either. I feel sorry for you and your partner op. Good luck.

Thanks for the info above re restrictions. Hopefully they’ll shortly be made aware via official channels. But they’re still laying out costs for around 50 mourners - printing, venue, catering deposit - and I don’t want them losing money they can scarce afford on top of everything else.

Bit of progress on DP side though. We talked seriously about it least. Haven’t really before, just been sad she’s gone and grieving while I’m also secretly worrying about CV and keeping us both indoors ). Saw a sad news item about wedding cancellations and said god you don’t think funeral arrangements will be affected do you? Talked a bit and he’ll speak to sis about it tomorrow.

I asked him to make sure she knew about infection rate here and stress risks to elderly/vulnerable so family are informed and we can be guided by them. But god forbid they don’t want him to go, it would be unthinkable for him to miss it (we didn’t discuss that possibility, just me worrying again). I don’t think they will, but wouldn’t blame them if they did. We’d never forgive ourselves if we went and infected someone or spread it to a wider area. He’s never get
over missing his mum’s funeral either, it would be such a bitter blow. Awful predicament.

We’ve agreed not to leave the house til then (and we haven’t for last five days and are both right as rain so far, touch wood). Then we’ll drive straight up and back for the ceremony only and not the wake. We discussed that we’d need to be rigid about distancing, masks etc and how hard and weird that would be, but I would be there to give him extra hugs to try to make up for it and that they would understand and we couldn’t take any risks.

He agreed and then asked if we could stop talking about it as it’s upsetting. Which is fair enough so I did. See what tomorrow brings.

God this is unremittingly grim in every way. Maybe I’m over thinking it. Getting cabin fever stuck in flat together after only 5 days much as I love him. Plus so sad about his mum. Maybe I’m over exaggerating the risk of us going cos it’s all a bit much and seems to be centred right here. Maybe starting a Coronavirus thread is not helping my own state of mind.

It is awful.

But i know someone who died 2 days ago.

He isnt even allowed a funeral.
Funeral directors said that he will be put in a grave in the next day or so.
Family have no say on a funeral and they cant attend.
Full stop. There isnt going to be a service.

He also died alone and his family wasnt allowed to see him die to CV....

My heart bleeds

Very sad, Tango! Where was that?

We're going to have to find new ways of processing loss, I think.

Just leaving this here

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/coronavirus-london-lockdown-pubs-restaurants-cinema-gym-close-a9414246.html