30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

[ginhag]

C'mon in BESHes to the beach bar...sprawl on comfy sofas while you wiggle your toes in the sand and watch a glorious sunset....and drink brightly coloured cocktails with sparklers in. Cos we're classy,innit.

I've got Adam and joe in as barmen, and we have a rather nice Cave of Gloom in the corner for those 'whyyyyyy meeeeeeee???' moments. We have a reggae sound system playing mob barley's greatest hits. It's a sunshine paradise!

Newcomers welcome,as long as they drag along a bucket of black humour and a vast amount of gin. And please note,some of us have been here so long we have forgotten the real world almost entirely.

Now,who's getting the next round in?

gin is a dirty shagger!

I shall shag too. Just in case. Wahey.

Yeah, I was just about to post about that, Lycra! A bit WTF to say the least! Love the way the mail is describing him as a 'foul-mouthed college drop-out', ie, not fit to lick her Oxford graduate boots. He's an award-winning and highly esteemed journalist, broadcaster, writer, etc., you knobsacks! He has been looking slimmer, younger and trendier of late - now we know why!

PS How did he escape from here anyway? We've clearly not been keeping our captives secure enough.

muse what are the chances of both our wayne's n Waynettas getting it right this time do you reckon? Do you think we need to utilise flash cards,or some kind of guide dog???

I know! I know! We could leave a trail of fags n cake n cans of stella for them to follow...

Aaaaargh! Where did that apostrophe come from???

Sorry scorps. please don't hurt me.

Hmmm,successful,educated woman hearts Charlie brooker SHOCK!!!!

Cos,y'know,no-one here does

@ scorps "Sharks are twats".

I'm not going anywhere again, no-one to menkal with = dull, dull, dull.

Mmmmm, gin soaked doughnuts. Thanks casp. You can come again.......

YEY for the shagathon!!! gin well done you on the amount of SWI. I too am joining the shagathon, last night being CD9 & night 1 of my marathon.

I have loads of work to do but a severe case of can't-be-arsed.

(For as you all know I'm in public sector & I step into a different planet & timescale altogether when I arrive in office).

Oooo, perked up. Lovely maintenance guy has arrived. Lippy on, flicky hair, chest out, lots of girly giggling. Right classy!

Wah! Feel a bit "cats bum mouth" at the fred title about timing of SWI to conceive a boy or a girl. I'd like to conceive. End Of.

(I know I'm being unreasonable & each to their own ishoos. But tough!)

You're not being unreasonable, LOLZ. When I first started out TTC, I was all 'I only want a girl' and it rapidly turned into 'anything that's not a drooling head on a pillow will do'. I mean, I'd still prefer a girl, but so long as I actually have a baybee and they're healthy and happy, I don't care whether they're a boy or a girl (although TYF won't agree to my super-ghey boy's name choices).

Re: Charlie Brooker - idiots don't get that personality matters a lot more than looks. My Mum is and was, gorgeous and my Pops is, well, not so much (he looks like a built-like-a-brick-shithouse Ukranian hitman*) but he's really funny, clever, outgoing and sweet (and a Feminist) and he was never without a gorgeous gal on his arm before meeting Mum. I'm just lucky that TYF has a fabulous personality AND is the sexiest man alive

PS I have blogged today and made posh, 'healthy' hot dogs. Productive and NOMMY!

*I know senior BESHes will have heard that joke before but he does!

There is a thread in AIBU called AIBU: To have lost the vibe with my Vibe?

Am AIBU to be disappointed that it is not a thread asking for help choosing a new vibrator? I love vibrator chat.

Did I really break the thread with vibrator talk?

Yes, you do. We are all sitting here disapproving of you

APPARENTLY, the material of choice for a vibrator is glass. The very thought terrifies me, I must admit... (just glass ones, not in general!!)

Vibrators are quite handy for getting things.. ahem.. started, when you just want a quick SWI.

And I hope there is shagging going on Chez Muse - with all that has happened with your body, a few days late oving doesn't seem that unlikely.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Have had a stitch-mare this avo! Spoke to lap nurses at hospital who said to see a nurse at my GP's surgery to check em out and get them removed, if they deem it necessary. So I ring up Docs, am told I can see a nurse at 4.45. I arrive, nurse starts bollocking me about her having to hang round for 30 mins instead of going home at 4.15 (how is this my fault? I just agreed to the time offered me).

Anyway, I get on the couch and lower me kecks and she start tugging the living fuck out of my lower stitch. It was absolute agony and I was sobbing but Nurse Fuckface just told me off for being a 'big baby' and then said she couldn't do that one and would try the top one. That made me scream my head off and I grabbed her hand to stop her. So she went to get a Dr, presumably to tell me off but the lovely ladydoc (the 35 yr old BESH-sympathiser one) takes one look at my tum and starts bollocking the nurse. She said that 'one glance' should've told her that they shouldn't come out and didn't need to and asked her why she hadn't unpicked the knot before trying to remove them. The nurse grumbled something under her breath and it was pretty fucking obvious she'd tried to yank them out the hard way to punish me for her having to stay late, the COW. Anyway, the Doc gives em the once-over and says that everything is fine and not infected or anything but the nurse has probably ripped 1 or 2 minor layers of skin just under the epidermis and it'll probably hurt. Which it fucking does. I keep having involuntary crying jags cos have awful tearing pain in my bellybutton and pubis (where the stitches are). Also said I might have a lumpier scar for a while than I should have because of them being yanked about so much

I wish I'd not fucking bothered asking now, but it does look very sore and weird and you do actually presume that nurses will want to do their job properly instead of needlessly inflicting pain on you to make their crappy day better. She didn't technically do anything dangerous to my health so I can't complain

Am in loads of pain now and of course, am at work tomorrow. Magic. I don't even have a glass dildo to cheer myself up with.

Seriously, what kind of freak uses a glass dildo? I once spent ages staring at the weird dildos made out of all sorts of weird shit in Coco De Mer for so long, thinking 'wtf?' that the assistant clearly thought I wanted to buy them cos she started putting the hard sell on me and telling me I didn't need to be coy.

What a bitch from hell . You poor poor thing. Have a gentle head stroke.

Glass dildos. That's wrong on every possible level.

Forgot to say she's probably sexually frustrated. Bag.

Oh Scorps, that sounds awful. Evil nurse. Thank god for the arrival of the good doctor. Hmm, sounds like a fairytale.

There is no shagging going on in the Muse household. I am exhausted and have to work this evening. I have no desire to shag at all. I have a weird desire to weep though. I feel pre-menstrual.

Evening All!

So...can anyone give an abridged version of the chat so far today, plz thank you laydeeeez

Muse is obsessed with giant glass dildos, I was cruelly tugged at by an evil nurse, Aries knows freaky shit about sharks, Charlie Brooker is engaged to Konnie Huq and we all want a baybee. Is that a good enough summary?

KONNIE HUQ?????? What her off of Blue Peter???

Blimey, didn't see that one coming.

Beg Pardon - dildos made of glass? Isn't that a bit dangerous?

What did the nurse tug? And why was she tugging it?

Well, durr, ARIES (the little mermaid) would know stuff, hey? She probably knows wierd stuff about starfish too...

baybees? nah, I'm not bovvered really.......

Tugging was at stitches that she should've known not to remove a) at all and b) in the manner she tried to. Tum is v sore and ouchy now

Starfish fax (ahem):
starfish breathe through their feet;
sometimes a fish will bite off a starfish's arm, but the starfish can grow a new one;
starfish cannot swim. They crawl and climb;
starfish are not really a fish. It is a kind of "echinoderm."

After saying there would be no shagging I went to the loo and was faced with more FFJ. I decided I couldn't ignore its presence so took advantage. Doing that meant I was late logging in to work and therefore someone else had already done it all for me.

I think that counts as a WIN. Oh yeah.

Ouch, Scorps, that sounds awful. Will you complain?

An echinoderm, never heard that before, but now I know lots more about starfish than I ever knew before.

Oh Christ, 1st BB contestant is bringing shame to the Briz Massive.