30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

[ginhag]

C'mon in BESHes to the beach bar...sprawl on comfy sofas while you wiggle your toes in the sand and watch a glorious sunset....and drink brightly coloured cocktails with sparklers in. Cos we're classy,innit.

I've got Adam and joe in as barmen, and we have a rather nice Cave of Gloom in the corner for those 'whyyyyyy meeeeeeee???' moments. We have a reggae sound system playing mob barley's greatest hits. It's a sunshine paradise!

Newcomers welcome,as long as they drag along a bucket of black humour and a vast amount of gin. And please note,some of us have been here so long we have forgotten the real world almost entirely.

Now,who's getting the next round in?

No, the swollen red bit isn't scar tissue, it's like the end of the stitches are sticking out of a big angry red lump which is starting to engulf them, which looks horrible and unhealthy. And I have been taking my weekly bath in the coal scuttle, using TYF's bath water, as per usual. It just looks and feels totally different than how it has done and how it looked yesterday.

Look, you know I live to fret!

EXCEPT

ead you know you can't leave me. I love you and everyfing innit.

and cho ignore me I am mad

is it worth phoning NHS Direct, Scorps?

Oh no, I'm not that worried. I mean, I've also got a mild pain around the heart area and so am mentally composing a Take A Break article where it describes my gruesome freak death from a raging laparoscopy infection, but apart from that, am just going to try and stay cool until I ring the nurses tomorrow

What, you mean when other people feel ill they don't imagine how crappy trash mags would discuss their preposterous demise? How do you cope with stuff then?

Head, please don't go. Am already not dealing well with thought of you being away for 24 hours!

PS Cheers, GinnyWinny. Am off all day tomorrow so if they want me to come in or see a Doc there's no probs (apart from getting a Doc to see me, that is).

you would have a fever. Do you?

also likely to feel hot around the wound as well as inflamed. and pus would be expected, as aries said.

if you tell doc you think it is infected they are somewhat obliged to see you. am not sure if you will stop fretting otherwise...

a good chance it is a bit of haematoma in which case prob fine (I had that with cs scar, freaked the crap out of me)

Scorpy, you know I feel for you darlin', and I wouldn't want things any other way, but whenever I read your incredible descriptions (esp. the previous one re: belly button gore jelly), I get a bit of sick in my mouth. I think a photo would probably be less vivid. Hope you're OK though!

Night all

I'm not actually as freaked out as you lovely, lovely darlings think I am (which is my fault for being Fretsy McPanicsons all the time). I am terrible for going 'WAAH!' and blurting out crap on here and then telling myself that I am being a loon and subsequently chillaxing. It's like a nervous bloody tic

Sorry to give you the dry heaves LyricalDance. I could cheer you up by describing what it was like when I got Gastroenteritis in my teens, if you like...

PS Also sorry to waffle on about nonsense when your Pops is undergoing proper medical woes. Just beat me senseless for being a thoughtless twat, if it helps

Just seconding gin's bit about the c/sec scar, scorps - that's what I thought of, too, when I read your description (my scar, obv, not gin's, t'would be weird)

So hopefully all just the slow process of healing, it does take a while. But get it checked out if you're worried, totally.

I have FFJ on day 18 of 28. Weird.

Just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about PapaLyra being re-admitted to hospital. Tis proper shite, you've all had enough. Hope they keep you all informed re what's happening this time. Positive thoughts to FamilyLyra. Scorps I too feel my nose wrinkling as you graphically describe your wounds. But makes me laff at the same time (not your pain or owt, you know what I mean). I'm incredibly rubbish when it comes to all things medical & am in awe of your brave-ness. (When I broke wrist & hossy said they'd need to re-set it, I said no thank you & started to walk out. Also stoopidly thought it would be a 1 second unpleasant click & that would be it. Not 2 burly - if rather handsome - doctors playing tug of war with my arm.) I digress...........

I've told 1 RL friend about TTC & only told her to avoid a family war. She was moaning about her sister's obsession with becoming updiffed & was ready to blow her stack. So I tried to calm things over by saying I could understand both sides. She's a fab friend, but I also wish she didn't know. She's very subtle, but cannot help herself asking how my follicles are coming along. I also feel guilty that she knows & my mum doesn't [silly little girl emoticon]. Its all sooooooo confusing.

I like that the Palais covers all manner of subjects. Would be a pretty dull fred if it was 100% diff related. I thank Jebus for some of the other shenanigans in my life, helps take my mind off diffular / non diffular stuff, innit?

Finally ead, lovely ead. I don't want you to go, but understand the need for a break. I had a few weeks off last year when I'd reached fever pitch. It helped bring me down a notch or 2 on the crazy stakes. So I came back perfectly calm & serene . Don't be too much of a stranger, xx

(Yep, that there would be kisses).

Did anyone see that great white shark autopsy last night, talking of all things gruesome and gory? Very interesting. Did you know they can actually push their own stomachs out of their own mouths when they are stressed or preparing for flight/fight? One was caught in a net by mistake (it was mahoosive) and its stomach was hanging out of its mouth. Fairly repulsive but very sad.

See? See? I am We are talking about stuff other than TTC! It's de rigeur dans le Palais (or is it "la Palais?).

PS forgot to add Scorps you were a fine one to remark about my own mentalness in imaginging I was an armless amputee trying to play the piano with my toes when, all along, you imagine your own death from improbable causes and write your own obituary. In Take A fucking Break!

Why? Why would it push its stomach out of its mouth? Seems a bit stupid?

Out of its mouth???

Not much to report here. My early night plans turned into an hour and a half of trying to catch the mouse the cats had deposited in my living room.... tired this morning.

Oh dear, I hate it when cats deliver not dead things that then run around.

Agree that the shark thing is disgusting. Glad I haven't had breakfast.

It is such a lovely day out there, why am I stuck in the office doing dull things? I do not want to write reports, I want to go out and photograph things. Started a photography course last night and now I am all inspired and shiz.

Well apparently it's to expel the stomach's contents with it. I'm sure they can replace the stomach in its original position. Sharks are mysterious and much-maligned creatures and they fascinate me.

Re the cat thing, mine has started bringing in rodents which are not even remotely dead. She has mastered the art of catching but not of killing. I'm fed up of rummaging in corners with a margarine tub after some wily little field mouse, which runs away laughing when I think I'm close to catching it. She even brought in a baby sparrow the other day, while its parents called and cheeped for it on the fence outside. Little cow.

muse SHAG! SHAG FOR BABIES!!!!!

(in eddie izzard 'granny smith sketch' voice)

just in case your body is being tricksy n trying to sneak an egg out when you're not expecting it.

And now,unusually for gin,a brief mention of the fact that I'm ttc... Have so far acheived swi on days 7,9,12,14 and 15. And with my strict regime of late nights and boozing in order to encourage diffage, I am fucking knackered. GIMME A FUCKING BAYBEE as I don't think I can survive like this much longer

Why, Aries, why? I have hot sick in my mouth now. Sharks are twats. And who said I couldn't be hypocritical when menkulising?

Stitch doesn't look so bad now. Nurse on phone says 'to keep an eye on it'. Have downgraded fevered imaginings to merely writing it up for a sick-inducing gruesome pic mini-feature instead of a tasteless obituary. Being of a writerly bent does weird things to the mind

I have a strange situation in RL where some friends who aren't particularly close friends have guessed (1 from hearing I was having a lap, even though I stuck to a 'it's for period pains' line) but closest friends don't know. Well, 2 that don't live nearby and won't ask unless I mention do but that's it. Weirdly, the women who've guessed are all mums themselves; perhaps there is a particular 'babyfail grimace' that they instinctively recognise?

PS Lozza, don't remind me of your absence last year - am still coming to terms with the grief it caused

Hurray for the shaggers! Just marking my place before I lose you all again (actually that is unlikely, given the thread title). Here's a tray of gin-soaked doughnuts I have lovingly crafted instead of wasting my days troughing and watching old dr who episodes

Don't mind me while I perch a new anvil precariously above the palais door. There's not enough non-fish related violence over here (and I'm hoping it will knock the lurking head out so she can be imprisoned behind the beach bar)

Grr. WHY do Next force you to open a credit account with them when you try and shop online?? I don't want a fucking credit account, I just want to buy summat. Why can't they just do it like everyone else does? Really fucks me off, it does. Halfway through it says you'll have the option to pay with a card instead but you bloody fucking cunting DON'T - just a screen thanking you for opening your account with them and saying there's nothing to pay today until my statement comes out. I don't bloody want that, I want to buy, and pay today. End of relationship.

bloody arsing bollocking bastards.

Scorps glad we're no longer at def con four re the scar.... didn't fancy having to work out where you lived and having to bash door down to check you weren't hovering on the brink of Take A Break death

awright luvver? Ta for donuts!

I think someone actually chucked ead in the pit...and we all know how hard it is to get out of there...

Just seen on active convos that Charlie Brooker is marrying Konnie Huq. What an unexpected pairing.