Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Sparkly don't go! Just because you have joined the other side, so to speak, doesn't mean you have to go. The less decisive among us can live vocariously through you!

LST I'm loving the curtains, and I second loving the fact that you are not going with something overly childish / nurseryfied. I can't add anything more colour wise than HP has. However, you might want to consider having a darker shade on one of the walls (although this does depend on the size of the room and the amount of light it gets.)

HP if I don't speak to you before, good luck with dildocam!

Am keeping this short as watching The Hospital - scary facts about booze

Hurray Sparkly - great news! Gives me hope that it's possible to hit the jackpot in one's thirties :) Enjoy being symptom-free while you can though!

Ooh, decorating a room LST - exciting stuff! If you ever saw our house you would understand why I can't contibute anything to the discussion at all

Hope dildocam goes OK HP, and most importantly that they find that everything is boringly normal. I get stressed out by the prospect of a smear (arrgghh, must make appointment) so you are far braver and more sanguine than me!

Hope everyone's doing OK. No significant news from here apart from an absence of temperature rise (or a very late one) which probably means I'm stressed....

I need to join this thread.

However our situation is a little different.

We have 2 children, DS1 had Cystic Fibrosis DS2 is 100% healthy.
We are desperate for baby number 3 but any child we concieve has a 25% chance of having CF. Its agonising, i just dont feel complete at the moment, we have no chance of IVF.

Drs have suggested to 'go natural' and have Amnio with the option of termination if baby had CF, i know 100% i could never abort a baby.

Its all i think about, we have names already picked and i secretly look at pushchairs tiny clothes.

Were in a dilema between taking the risk and inflicting CF again on another child and on our existing family or stopping at 2 and having this huge yearning feeling all the damn time.

Hi all, i'm new to mn, but been lurking for a few months. I guess i'm no longer a ditherer as DH and I are TTC, after much sole searching we've decided to go for it.
He's 55 with a grown up DD and DGS and i'm a 35 year old career girl. Never thought that we'd give up the lifestyle we have, always waiting for the next holiday or right place in career, but we've decided if we do that it might never happen, it still might not, so as of last week we're TTC.
Implanon removed 7 weeks ago for other reasons, 1 AF but not a clue how my cycle really is as my job, shift work with lots of travelling tends to send it haywire.
Excited and scared as to how we'll cope if it happens but i guess that's natural.
Thanks for listening to my hormonal rabblings.

My goodness, we were on page three of the threads!

Hellooooo?

Titsalina, that's an incredibly difficult situation. I assume you and your partner have undergone genetic counseling where the options were covered? Clearly its a heartbreaking decision to have to make and I hope you are being offered support and help with it. I would imagine there are a lot of specialist support groups out there as well if you needed more information or advice (eg here ). I wish you all the best with the decision and hope for a positive outcome for your family.

Hope everyone else is ok. I'm a bit busy with RL stuff at the moment, not really giving a huge amount of thought to the TTC/notTTC issue to be honest. I had another of my midnight 'I never want to be a parent' freak outs the other day, but felt very broody around Day 14 of my cycle, so make of that what you can. Anyway, dildoCam approacheth, so I'll see what that turns up.

Take care, HPx

Helloo-oo-oo-oo...yep, very empty and echo-ey. I've been MIA due to finishing off my MA write-up. All finished now and handed in. I'm worried as I couldn't bring myself to read it through one last time when I really should have, so I'm now terrified that there'll be sentences left hanging or a quotation followed by p??? source?? or similar.
More exciting news is that we are officially TTC! No more dithering (in theory - we thought we'd decided last month then both got cold feet so chickened out!). I'm sure I'll still hang around here, I'm good at lurking all over the place, hopeless at posting though.

Hello peeps,

Titsalina, what a dilemma. I really feel for you (with no idea what it must be like, obviously). Is the no chance of IVF because you wouldn't get it on the NHS? Would it help if you could get it, i.e. could they in principle select an embryo w/out the CF code? Sorry if these questions are insensitive - perhaps it's not even worth thinking about if it's beyond your means. I just wasn't sure what you meant. I really hope you can make a decision that you can be at peace with, either way. Do come and vent if you're feeling low about it - we're here for you.

Well done, Eskarina! I am still struggling with my MSc project (deadline Friday...) - it's about 2500 words too long, for one thing, and a bit all over the place. I have a feeling I will never have worked so hard for a mediocre (at best) mark! (Still, I shouldn't and won't be complaining if I pass...)

Otherwise (though there isn't much of that at the moment...) had my 20 week scan and all seems well, they think it's a girl, which I'm quite pleased about, and DH seems very pleased about (to the point of me feeling slightly protective/indignant on behalf of any putative almost-certainly-never-to-be boy child!). But I am thinking/hoping part of that is just feeling closer to it (her?!) with a bit more information. In fact he's been quite sweet about it all weekend (though alcohol has probably played something of a part!) which is quite a (pleasant) change!

Good luck with everything, hp - really hope you get some answers with dildoCam. Sounds like some vintage dithering too - keeping the flag flying as so many of us start ttc or are up the duff already! Hope it's not too much of a rollercoaster.

OK, better go and try to wind down as I've been staring at a screen all day. Hope everyone has a good week, or as good as possible.

Night, LST, thanks for 'other communication', will reply when eyes are open....zzzzzzz

Thanks LST and remember your own wise words to me somewhere upthread - no-one ever asks what grade you get for your Master! And I'm sure you'll do yourself proud, though I totally understand the sentiment of just being relieved to pass. My university are more than a little disorganised and can't tell me when I can expect to hear from them regarding pass/fail, nor even when the graduation is likely to be.
We were properly back to school today after the summer holidays. After congratulating me on finishing the Head informed me that she's looking forward to reading the "finished article" as she's sure she'll learn a lot from it. Eeek.

Congrats on the scan - it's lovely DH is so excited.

Hi there, new here. I've already finished with the whole having kids thing (they are 9 and 11, so finished some time ago really!). I just wanted to offer some thoughts from someone who didn't especially want kids, but had them in her 30s because DH did.

First of all, I strongly believe there is no right time. Except to say that the younger you are when you have a child, the faster and easier you will get your old life back. The number of women I know (including me) who put off having kids until mid 30s and then regretted leaving it so late is enormous.

Secondly, however broody you feel about a gorgeous baby, or however repelled you are by a screaming one, please remember that the baby years are very short (though they feel long at the time). Baby one day, offensive horrid teenager the next. Don't base your decision on the word baby!

Finally, for those who already have one child and are dithering about a second one, please don't thing the second one will be a repeat of your first, or indeed that having another one is no big thing. A second child changes the dynamic enormously.

Hello!

I have not been here in a while as decided not as became a ditherer graduate in deciding TTC and now back to report am 5 weeks pregnant!

It took 6 positives to make me believe it and now I think it must have just been waiting in the wings

I hope your all well x

Hello all,

Many apologies for radio silence, RL has been a bit overwhelming of late - lots of family illness, occasionaly illness of self and still loads of DIY to get through - but have been meaning to drop in and catch up with you all for weeks now.

Gutted I missed our thread anniversary. Well done HP and Confused for keeping going with the actual dithering for so long. HP I think you can continue to dither for a bit longer - 34 is not exactly past it. However, it is the ticking that turns us into ditherers in the first place and there will come at point at which it is just too damn late.

Congratulations cowboylover and Sparkly on your BFPs. There is still room for pregnant people on the dithering thread (witness me and LST) and my experience is that the dithering doesn't always finish when you are pregnant. We have had a few people in our office have babies and I am deeply unmoved by the procession of small babies that have been paraded recently. I am really hoping that I will feel somewhat different when presented with one of my own.

And that time is fast appraoching when I will have one. Now almost 33 weeks, only 3 weeks left at work, 51 days till B day. Still got no nursery (although most of the woodchip is off and the plasterer is booked for this week). I am getting slightly worried about how much still needs to be done. I really want to start picking soft furnishing and getting all the baby things ready, but with our house no decorating job is ever quick or simple.

Right, will post this then go back over the weeks I've missed and catch up properly. Outstanding queries include, Suerock does temping and stats keeping mean you are now TTC? HP how did dildocam go? Confused any progress on the house sale? LST how far are you now and have you had any movement?

I may find the answers already in the thread, so I'll get reading. But before I press post message, just need to add that I have missed you guys and sorry for staying away so long.

YTDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

Hurrah!

Yes, still a'ditherin'. Yay

I really can't post much as am at work so don't want to be seen, but also can't check t'interweb at home as it is not active for a while (long story, details not for MN in case of recognisability, paranoid, moi?)

I can't believe you are 33 weeks - where does the time go? I'm really sorry to hear about illness of family and self, hope all are well again now.

DildoCam has not gone well, in the sense of it was successfully executed, but has found something (large ovarian cyst). I am now waiting for a follow up appointment with my consultant to discuss the options, but the info is just sinking in at the moment. Urgh.

Congrats on any and all BFPs recently posted, quick work ladies!

Better go back to the darkness of no internet

Sorry to hear about the cyst HP. I've had a quick look at NHS Choices and CKS, which are my online summary websites of choice (all evidence-based, so keeps me out of the primary literature and stops me terrifying myself and others) and it appears that bigger is not necessarily scarier when it comes to cysts. Depending on how big it could be left to go away of its own accord, need removing with a Laparoscopy (keyhole surgury) or a bigger operation (laparotomy). Whilst its bound to be worrying and scary, the prognosis is very good, even with very large cysts and they can be removed without causing any lasting damage.

I can't believe I'm nearly 33 weeks. The final trimester is racing past. My bump is pretty huge, but fortunately the rest of me hasn't expanded too much (but I was fairly well padded to begin with anyway). Bump is developing a bit quicker than average, when I went to see the midwife last week, she measured me as having a 35 week sized bump rather than a 32 week. Cos there is a history of type 2 diabetes in my family, I have to go for a glucose tolerance test this week to check for gestational diabetes. Not sure there's much that could be done at this stage in process if the test comes back positive (which I don't think it will anyway) but, whatever the cause, being bigger bumped means there is a greater risk of having a big baby, which is a somewhat eye-watering propect! Humm, maybe I shouldn't have spend all that time looking at the birth trauma website last year. There are times when a bit of ignorance can maybe be a good thing... .

LST just read your last post and seen you've had your 20 week scan. Great that your DH is feeling excited about you imminent daughter. I think you are right not to place 100% confidence in scan gender predictions as they are not always right (and you don't want to end up disappointed if they get it wrong and it turns out to be a boy after all), but I think having that extra info can make it seem a bit more like a real person. We are still gender ignorant and I do think that having to refer to the cub as 'it' makes it a bit more difficult to envisage it as an actual person. I still feel quite detached from the contents of my bump. There are a few moments (like earlier this evening when s/he had hiccups) when I feel quite close and realise that it is actually a little person in there, not just an array of random aches and pains, but mostly it just feels rather cumbersome and a bit of a burden. Pregnancy is not so far turning me into an earth mother, I'm hoping that I'll get a bit more maternal when faced with the actual fruit of my labours!

Hello? May I join your thread??

I think I'm a ditherer but I'm not sure ... In the past 4 months I have had 3 goes at TTC (though one was sort of an accident so doesn't really count) and one month of being scared and going back to the condoms. Just trying to decide whether to try this month, or go back to being scared.

Also still trying to get over the shock of NOT having become instantaneously pregnant, which somehow I still believed would happen in spite of all those graphs telling me my fertility is plummeting.

DP has been pretty keen on the idea, but now starting to get put off by my own dithering

I have been following your posts from time to time, and it's been good to see I am not the only person who is having trouble deciding even whilst TTC ... So thanks guys!

YTD!!!! Helloooooo. Fantastic to hear from you. 33 weeks!! Wow. Really hope you're feeling better now, and sorry to hear you've had the stress and upset of family illness. Hope things get a bit easier now and that you can focus on the DIY (well not you, obviously...) and feel ready in a few weeks' time (as much as we can ever be!). I think it's completely normal (states the bleeding obvious) to have mixed feelings, and not feel instantly maternal. I'm not feeling maternal, exactly, though still, most days, persisting in an 'everything will be great and our child will be completely easy to raise, unlike all others' state of mind but I have days when I feel very ambivalent, and I know I'm going to have days (weeks?) when I feel quite anti before January comes. I think it's very helpful for me that DH has come round so much (though you might not think so if you met him!) - feeling of reprieve from the frankly awful situation that could have been.

Welcome, gintonic - sounds like you're in the right place here (unlike me...). Are your reservations mainly practical or is it just (not that it's a 'just') the way you feel about the prospect? Just remember it's almost certainly you, not your DH, who will do the vast bulk of the child-related work (not to mention the physical work of carrying the bub) so make sure you're good and ready. Not that most of us (have) ever exactly achieved the 'entirely ready' stage, pregnant or not, as you can see!

Hope you're doing ok, hp, and the consultant can help you feel more informed and in control (and hopefully reassured). Will write offline soon.

Thanks for the insights, Morag - those seem wise words with respect to not thinking too much about babies per se. I think the discussions about aversion to screaming babies etc. are to some extent shorthand for 'and all the other pains and tribulations, teenage tantrums, etc. etc.') but you're right that one becomes very focused on the baby stage (well, I do). Can't work out if the prospect of the later stages are more or less scary at this point, mind you!

Hope school is going ok so far, Eskarina

YTD!!!! Whooppeee! I thought we had lost you forever! I had considered emailing you too (sorry but been a bit lax on the thread front) but also didn't want to be bothering you as guessed you were likely to be either very very busy, very very knackered or both!

Sorry to hear about the illness in your family. Are things now on the mend...? And as for the Gestational Diabetes - have you been tested yet? Being a Type 1 diabetic also puts you at risk of having a bruiser, and that's even with tight control, so can (vaguely) relate to your worries on that front! It's one of, approx, 2869290176 potential issues that put me off - maybe I ought to take up smoking 40 a day if I ever get upduffed to keep the size of the baby down. Hmm, maybe not.

So, three more weeks left at work - I echo HP, where does the time go?! From what I know of you, which is admittedly not very much, I thought you'd be enjoying the idea of the bump more than you appear to be when you say you usually feel quite detached. In my, usually wine sodden, baby related fantasies, I always like the idea of the bump - and not just because I don't have to hold my stomach in any more!

We currently are still in limbo over the house situation. We had an offer £25k under the asking price at £250K and decided, even though we'd still be in the red, to take it as the market is so iffy anyway. (S left me some money which has eased things a bit so we'd be just under £13k in the red after selling as a worst case scenario.) However, while these people LOVED it - they initially offered £230 which we had to turn down so they managed to beg, borrow and steal another £20k to take it up to £250k and the stamp duty cut off, so we thought they'd be really pleased. They are also needing to move ASAP as their flat has completed on the sale. However, they are now not so sure and are also considering either renting or buying a smaller property. If we don't sell in the next few weeks we will be here till next spring as noone looks over Christmas and the worst of the winter. Don't want to think about it too much though as I'll get all frustrated and wound up.

MoragAila the quote below has struck a cord, not just because I was 36 last Saturday. "The number of women I know (including me) who put off having kids until mid 30s and then regretted leaving it so late is enormous." However, it would be silly to do anything about it at the moment (see above for house situation) but maybe we'll consider it more when (if!) we move.

Cowboylover I am really sorry not to have clocked this sooner, blame it on being away for so long, but I take it the negatives actually were a positive...? Congratulations!! How are you feeling about it all? Has it sunk in yet?

Right, I am going to go now as have 101 things to do at work (am getting away with posting as am in another office and nobody can see my screen.) As we all seem to be filtering back, I'll make more of an effort to post in future as I haven't been recently (slaps back of hand.)

Right all, I'm off for a while so don't worry if I'm not around, just traveling and whatnot.

Take care, look after yourselves, and I'll be back soon,

HP xx

Evening all,

Thanks for the warm welcome back, hopefully I'll be able to pop in a bit more frequently in the remaining weeks.

Sorry to hear that the house sale is wobbling Confused. Hopefully it will be a temporary blip and your buyers will recomit.

LST your baby will be an easy to raise perfect child who sleeps through from 6 weeks Mine will be too...

I have only two weeks left at work now. Can't wait to finish and just focus on getting self and house ready for baby. I think once work is out of the way and I only need to rest up and get ready for the birth, then I might start to feel a bit closer to the bump.

I think I've probably missed a lot of potential bump enjoyment just by being knackered and distracted by other stuff (friend had a stroke when I was 21 weeks, granddad had a fall a few weeks later, sister is ill with depression and lives on the other side of the world, making supporting her not that easy). Nothing has happened that is too big to cope with, but I am finding that I'm a bit too tired to try and be as supportive as I'd like. a friend of mine told me, quite early on, that you need to be a little bit selfish when you are pregnant. As the pregnancy progresses, I'm beginning to see the point. I think you probably do need to become a bit insular. I think there's a lot to be said for a medieval style lying-in!

Why did I not find this thread earlier? I could have dithered for the Olympics. And now I'm TTC I find ye all!
I'm 33 and have very much swung between
a) kids? noo noo noo noo
b) ah, wouldn't it be great!?

So what swung it? Well, the OH was always been keener than me - loves his nieces, better with kids than me etc etc. I was on the wall and brought up the fact that I'd looked at a few websites about living a 'child-free' life. He said: "Child-free, I'd never thought about it that way? The travels, the freedom..." Something inside me went THUNK and then I realized that I really wanted to go the 'having kids' route. Guess I then knew I wanted to give it a go. I think he used reverse psychology on me!

Holy sh*t. Positive! surely that has to be a record for first post to BFG!?

Wow Underthetrees! Congratulations! Ditherer to pg in under an hour! Perhaps you'll share some decisive vibes with the rest of us, although we're officially TTC at the moment so I guess I'm no longer dithering.
Although having said that, now the summer holiday is over and I'm back at work I'm wondering again....
to all upthread.

Cheers Eskarina. I've been a ditherer for some years but I guess the 'actively trying' had me go and look at websites like this. I think I kindov knew I was PG but needed a push to go do the test.

Congrats underthetrees for the live- on-air conception! Maybe all our other halves should try that tactic?

Hello LST, I can't help suspecting that quite a few pregnant people probably feel like you, they just aren't admitting it. Atleast I am sure I will if I ever manage to get PG.

My reservations aren't really practical, more I guess that I can't really imagine how my life would change, and afraid that I wouldn't cope or wouldn't enjoy it. Also that I haven't been with my DP for all that long - 18 months - and while we're both totally committed and sure it is for keeps, can't help wondering whether we should wait longer. Though also aware time is not on our side (he is 40, I am 33)

I have just spend the weekend with my anti-baby friends - was thinking of raising the TTC issue with them, but within a few minutes they had started talking about how awful it was that all our other friends were PG/had babies, so thought it best left for another time. Though if anything hearing the negative side from them made me feel more like I wanted to do it.

Confused I can relate to your house sale problems, my sister has been trying to sell for ages, though she says estate agents have an excuse for every month of the year as to why viewings are slow. Good luck.

Hope everyone else had a good monday.

A live on air BFP - fabulous!

Can't post more as at work but will try later